Guilt Ridden - Guest List Issue

[Independent Gal]

I was a BM in the wedding of a friend from high school, which at the time I found weird because while we were good chums back then, we weren''t ''friends'' in the deep sense, and only really got back in touch when we ended up overlapping for a year at the same grad school (this was also the year she met, got engaged to and married her guy).

Anyway, she did a lot of semi-scuzzy things that year that gave me the heeby-jeebies, and she''s not someone I really consider a friend. I think she still thinks of ME as a friend though, because I''m still on her ''group e-mail'' list (with only say, 10 other people including her sister... so you see...). So I keep getting updates about her husband''s career and hers and stuff about her son. Plus she sends me a christmas card.

At first I was pretty sure I didn''t want to invite her to the wedding, since she is a MAJOR shmoozer and I can''t stand the thought of her using my wedding as an opportunity to network. (She has a professional interest in some of the guests... long story).

The thing is, I think she''d be pretty upset if she found out I got married and didn''t even say anything, never mind invite her. I just keep feeling weirder and weirder about this. And weirder. And weirder. So, a friend who knows us both recently suggested that I just invite her to the local party FI''s boss is throwing for us, since she still lives in the United STates anyway. That way, there won''t be anyone interesting to her for her to ''shmooze'' or network with, I can nod to her ''friendship'', and there won''t be any awkwardness when she finds out I got married.

What do you think? Good option? Or just let it go and let her deal?

 

[Pandora II]

Do you have lots of friends in common?

If not, just do the - v small wedding, relatives/family only, so annoying etc etc and invite her to the other do, IF you want to.

Sometimes one just moves on or grows out of friendships and that''s not something to feel bad about. Life is too short to spend a lot of time with people you aren''t really fussed about.

 

[Independent Gal]

I''m pretty sure I DON''T want her at the actual wedding, so if I invite her to the local party, I will definitely use the ''so sorry, very small'' line, which should be fine because WP2 it IS pretty small (80 people)... granted, of those more than 20 are friends and their partners. But she doesn''t know most of them and isn''t close with any of the people we mutually know. So I''m pretty sure I can get away with that.

The question is: to invite her to the local thing or not. It''s not local for HER (about a 2 hour flight) so she may not even come. So maybe I should just invite her and see what happens.

As long as I know she isn''t using my celebration as an excuse to network and shmooze to bolster her career, I don''t mind having her there.

 

[surfgirl]

IG, I'm going to say something here, and please know that I say it with great affection for you...Your screen name is INDEPENDENT Girl but you seem to be panicking and questioning on a near daily basis, every aspect of your wedding plans. And now this. You had strong INDEPENDENT opinions before you got engaged, at least your posts seemed that way. You seemed to know what you want. And yet you are questioning every little thing. Why? You have a unique personality. You have unique taste. And you know deep down what YOU want to do with your wedding(s). So just do it. I'm not sure why you even are posting about this. The person isn't one of your friends and you don't want to have her at your wedding. The solution is obvious, isn't it? I think you should take more stock in what YOU really want to do and worry less about others. It's not their wedding, it's your wedding. Do it up however you want but more than anything, make yourself happy. I think you should tap into the "independent" part of IG, and let that guide you in your decision making! Again, I'm not dissing you, I just see that you seem to be questioning everything about your wedding and I think you know what you want so I say just go for it!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 10/16/2007 5:58:43 PM
Author: surfgirl
IG, I'm going to say something here, and please know that I say it with great affection for you...Your screen name is INDEPENDENT Girl but you seem to be panicking and questioning daily, every aspect of your wedding plans. And now this. You had strong INDEPENDENT opinions before you got engaged, at least your posts seemed that way. You seemed to know what you want. And yet you are questioning every little thing. Why? You have a unique personality. You have unique taste. And you know deep down what YOU want to do with your wedding(s). So just do it. I'm not sure why you even are posting about this. The person isn't one of your friends and you don't want to have her at your wedding. The solution is obvious, isn't it? I think you should take more stock in what YOU really want to do and worry less about others. It's not their wedding, it's your wedding. Do it up however you want but more than anything, make yourself happy. I think you should tap into the 'independent' part of IG, and let that guide you in your decision making! Again, I'm not dissing you, I just see that you seem to be questioning everything about your wedding and I think you know what you want so I say just go for it!

"I'm not sure why you even are posting about this......The solution is obvious, isn't it?"

WOW.

I might gently point out here that wedding planning can be a more emotional than analytical experience for some, and can make even the most decisive person wonder if she's being stubborn or definitive.

INDIE GAL: For what it's worth, I don't think that seeking input/advice and 'being independent/decisive' are mutually exclusive. The smartest and most decisive people in the world regularly seek counsel; those are the ones who don't usually regret decisions they make.

I actually think it's quite smart and self-aware to know when you might be a bit 'too close' to maintain objectivity. I think it's smart to see if others may have a different angle you hadn't thought of. I don't think that seeking counsel and input makes you panicky.

Seeking objective counsel doesn't mean you aren't capable of making decisions yourself, or that you're loathe to.
It just means you're smart enough to go to a place where others who may share similar instances can share the benefit of their experiences with you, and you can use information you gather as you think it applies to your situation.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 10/16/2007 5:15:24 PM
Author:Independent Gal
I was a BM in the wedding of a friend from high school, which at the time I found weird because while we were good chums back then, we weren''t ''friends'' in the deep sense, and only really got back in touch when we ended up overlapping for a year at the same grad school (this was also the year she met, got engaged to and married her guy).

Anyway, she did a lot of semi-scuzzy things that year that gave me the heeby-jeebies, and she''s not someone I really consider a friend. I think she still thinks of ME as a friend though, because I''m still on her ''group e-mail'' list (with only say, 10 other people including her sister... so you see...). So I keep getting updates about her husband''s career and hers and stuff about her son. Plus she sends me a christmas card.

At first I was pretty sure I didn''t want to invite her to the wedding, since she is a MAJOR shmoozer and I can''t stand the thought of her using my wedding as an opportunity to network. (She has a professional interest in some of the guests... long story).

The thing is, I think she''d be pretty upset if she found out I got married and didn''t even say anything, never mind invite her. I just keep feeling weirder and weirder about this. And weirder. And weirder. So, a friend who knows us both recently suggested that I just invite her to the local party FI''s boss is throwing for us, since she still lives in the United STates anyway. That way, there won''t be anyone interesting to her for her to ''shmooze'' or network with, I can nod to her ''friendship'', and there won''t be any awkwardness when she finds out I got married.

What do you think? Good option? Or just let it go and let her deal?

Aldj, I was referring to the above and as I said in my post, I was just pointing out that it seems like what to do seems obvious and that IG should follow her gut. None of the above points to this person being a real friend so why bother with all the stress over inviting someone to a wedding event that is for friends and family. I''m sorry if you misunderstood my post.

 

[winternight]

Don''t invite her! I know its hard but I think you''re only going to want to be surrounded by good friends on that day...just imagine the time you''ll have to devote to her if she comes.

 

[KimberlyH]

No need to invite her IG, to either wedding or the party being thrown.

 

[Harleigh]

Hi Indy,

I''m sorry you''re feeling such indecision about all this...I think we all have guests we are feeling similarly about to be honest with you!

I agree with the others...I would NOT invite her because you feel like you have to, and if it ultimately ends the "friendship," you might just end up better off in the long run!

Hang in there and do what feels right to you...you know yourself the best, so go with your gut!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 10/16/2007 6:42:57 PM
Author: surfgirl
Aldj, I was referring to the above and as I said in my post, I was just pointing out that it seems like what to do seems obvious and that IG should follow her gut. None of the above points to this person being a real friend so why bother with all the stress over inviting someone to a wedding event that is for friends and family. I''m sorry if you misunderstood my post.

I didn''t misunderstand your post (I don''t think).

What to do about the friend seems obvious to you, perhaps......but what I get from reading her post is that it''s not such an ''obvious'' decision for Indie. Her post is pretty clear that she''s feeling conflicted.......part of her doesn''t want to invite her, and part of her doesn''t feel right/settled with not inviting her.

Trying to work through those conflicted feelings IS being true to herself and following her gut, I think. Of course it may seem obvious to you (or to any of us reading) what we''d do. Obviously, there''s more to it for Indie; otherwise, she wouldn''t be feeling weirder and weirder about possibly omitting her.

 

[luckystar112]

Indy, it sounds like you don''t like her very much, and that you had a really good reason NOT to like her.
I hope that you choose to surround yourself with people you love and that love you on your wedding day. You deserve it!!!
Don''t let the guilt get to you. For all you know, she could only be keeping you around FOR her schmoozing!

 

[Independent Gal]

Thanks guys. I know you're probably right. Just can't shake this weird feeling. You know, when one side feels the 'friendship' is way closer than the other side does. But there's almost 20 years of history between you, even if not always close. Etc. Ick. So maybe not inviting her will sort of seal the deal and will end the flailing friendship once and for all which could be a good thing. I dunno.

And Surfgirl, I know you didn't mean to diss me, and I admit I am NOT an IndyGal when it comes to stuff about other peoples' feelings and the possibility of hurting or offending, which seems to come up a lot with weddings. In fact, at times like that I become a big giant wuss. (sp?) I hate confrontation and I hate making people feel bad. But ALJD is also right that weddings amplify this, and that one of the great things about this board for me is its sensible, safe, anonymous sounding board function. At least for me, It's great to have perspective from 100 other women when you feel like you're losing perspective as I think I am in this case. Sometimes I take the advice and value the bolstering, as in the invitation / step-mom case, sometimes I go against the grain, as when I became more & more sure about my e-ring despite the other gals' not liking it so much.

I hugely value the advice, support, and help. Sometimes I take it, sometimes I don't, but it ALWAYS helps.

ETA: hope that's semi-coherent. It was a loooooong day at work today.

 

[surfgirl]

Hey woman! Thank you for reading my post and understanding what I meant. Much appreciated... And I do understand what you''re feeling - I''ve got few "friends" like you describe though they''ve not done anything skeevy other than being inattentive. It IS difficult to know what to do in such cases but you made some VERY pointed comments that seem to indicate you have no actual fondness for this person, only guilt. And guilt shouldn''t be what drives your wedding fetes. IMO, of course. Hence my saying "it''s obvious what to do." Anyway, I do hope you will surround yourself with people YOU want to genuinely be with you to celebrate, and not have one second thought of "man, I wish I hadn''t invited her/them/him, etc." Good luck!