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HAVE to go to a wedding?

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SarahLovesJS

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I think this fits in this section, might fit more in the family section, but whatever. Well, as everyone knows I got engaged recently. One of my cousins is getting married this year, and I honestly don''t want to go. Sometime after middle school we started to drift apart, and our families have always had tension over various issues. So my question is, do you have to go to someone''s wedding? I mean, they''re going to know if we don''t come and be pretty angry, but I just don''t want to go. Of course this means they also won''t come to my wedding, but I don''t really want them there. She is not a mean person or anything, but she has never really been close to me, and honestly I am seeing a new side of her lately with this wedding stuff. Even worse than I thought! She constantly bothered me or had her mom bother my mom for info about when I would be engaged (she spotted me with bridal things) before I got engaged, but now that I am she hasn''t said anything. No congrats, nothing. She''s one of those "call me sometime!" people that never calls you, you have to call THEM. We have totally opposite personalities, and just aren''t that close to be honest. So, what do you say? Do you HAVE to go to a wedding just to save face, or is it okay sometimes to just stick up for yourself? I know I should probably go, just wanted to see if anyone else has been in this awkward situation.
 

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do! Free will, honey!



I think your reasons for avoiding the wedding are realistic and ligit. If you would unhappy going to her wedding, I am sure they wouldn't want you to attend. The point of the wedding isn't to fill chairs but to have a celebration with people you love, which is something you clearly aren't feeling right now.



I think you should send a lovely gift and a kindly worded card about how happy you are for them, and how unfortunately you will not be able to attend the wedding. I would do this at the time to return the RSVP card, so that instead of receiving a "no" from you and your Fiance, they receive something more personal and heartfelt.



I would still invite them to your wedding, which they might attend just out of curiousity. Avoiding a uncomfortable situation while still maintaining class is very important, esspecially with family.



I have similar situation with a cousin who is younger than me. She got pregnant during her last year of college...I sent a baby shower gift, Christening gift, a baby arrival gift, none of which repped me a thank note...and then when she got engaged, I sent an engagement gift, anda shower gift, again I the presents were not acknowledged (now, I should also say, that in my profession I work Saturdays...which is when she had most of her celebrations so I was unable to go--but my Mother went, along with our Grandmother, Aunt and my sister). She blew off my bridal shower, never RSVP'd or sent a gift...and when she and her mom were called out on it, she said she "forgot and was white water rafting". When I recieved the invite to her wedding, I opted not to go---it was out of town, a few weeks before my own wedding, and I was feeling really salty about the entire situation as a whole. I sent a gift, and again it wasn't acknowledged...so I made the hard decision not to invite her to my wedding. I was completely comfortable with my choice, and had no 2nd thoughts whatsoever. But here is where it gets funny...two days before my wedding, she called and said that she had lost her invitation (I NEVER sent one)...and wanted to come to wedding!! I was like "ummmm...." I didn't know what to say! I ended up including her and her family (because I can be weak)...and I haven't spoken with her since...however, I did send a lovely thank you note ASAP!!!

My point is...rememeber, out class her! Include her, and show her how it should be done!!!
 
As I have gotten older and I see how precious my time is, I try not to do things that I really do not want to do. Of course I cannot always get out of things but I do give myself the option when I can. I am not a hypocrite. If you do not really want to go, and you realize the consequence, i.e. she might not come to yours, and you are fine with it, I think it is okay to pass. Might you regret it later? No one can really say. But this is how you feel now. So you can either go not really wanting to be there, and do it for the future good, or you can just skip it and face whatever issues crop up from that. I understand that sometimes we have to do things in life we do not wish to, but attending weddings is not really up there in my book. You can certainly make a case either way. Is it far away? Are there other family members who might go that you would like to spend time with? Sometimes I can justify it other ways, but if I just really do not want to go and feel ick about it, I listen to myself.
 
You don''t HAVE to do anything. Ever. I certainly don''t want anyone coming to our wedding if they don''t want to be there--do you?

I say send a gift with a nice card and call it a day.
 
Honestly? If you don't want her at your wedding, she probably doesn't want you at hers. I doubt she would be 'pretty angry' if your relationship is as you describe. She probably feels the same way you do. And you'll invite her anyway just like she is inviting you anyway. So just come up with a reeeeeally good excuse, send a nice gift, and you're done. She'll be happy you're not coming. You'll be happy you're not going. All's well.
 
Date: 2/26/2008 12:07:06 AM
Author: Independent Gal
Honestly? If you don''t want her at your wedding, she probably doesn''t want you at hers. I doubt she would be ''pretty angry'' if your relationship is as you describe. She probably feels the same way you do. And you''ll invite her anyway just like she is inviting you anyway. So just come up with a reeeeeally good excuse, send a nice gift, and you''re done. She''ll be happy you''re not coming. You''ll be happy you''re not going. All''s well.

First, thanks everyone for your advice, you make me feel so much better, haha. She will be angry, but only because she didn''t get to show off. While it is not a big expensive wedding, it does seem to be more of a show and less of a ceremony. Does that make sense? I know that sounds so bad/one sided, but honestly I know it will drive her insane and her mother even more insane if I don''t come and see her dress, etc.!! Her dad would be the one with hurt feelings. So it is both pleasing and not pleasing. I love shutting down chances to brag, but don''t like upsetting people. So no she really doesn''t want me there, but she does want me to see her if that makes sense. Hope I don''t sound completely rude. But anyway, I was thinking of using a vacation as an excuse? Only weekend we could go or something? That might work.
 
Sarah, as others have mentioned, you don''t have to do anything. Just make sure you have a good excuse and you send a card. I really like what italia said, "Out class her"
 
Date: 2/26/2008 1:39:58 AM
Author: gtn
Sarah, as others have mentioned, you don''t have to do anything. Just make sure you have a good excuse and you send a card. I really like what italia said, ''Out class her''

Yeah I agree with this. Sending a card wishing her the best is taking the high road.
 
I think you could definitely not go to the wedding. FOr some people like immediate family (Sibling) I think you are kind of required to go but a cousin..that you could probably skip.

Then again, i come from a group of 26 cousins (most of us pretty close). With that many of us, it is not uncommon for a couple of us to not be able to make it to a family function/wedding here or there. My FI, however, has only 3 cousins and a generally small family. To him i think he would consider not showing up a slap in the face.
 
Of course not. I was invited to three wedding in the past 12 months and I did not attend any of them. Last April was one of FI''s 18-year-old cousin, a shotgun wedding for government grants and we had to pay to attend (plus the trip). Last August was the sister of a girl FI used to be friends with (until she tried to break us up) and we were surprised to even get an invite. FI went, but I didn''t. Didn''t care to see said ex-friend again. Finally, last January one of my numerous and mostly estranged cousins was having his second marriage. Big thing with everyone invited, even the (again, numerous and mostly estranged) cousins. My siblings and I are all adults, but we all got one invite sent to my parents'' place in the name of Mr. and Mrs. Anchor''s parents'' children. And we had to pay to attend (plus the trip). No thanks.

If you don''t want to go to a wedding, don''t.
 
Date: 2/25/2008 11:59:53 PM
Author: Haven
You don''t HAVE to do anything. Ever. I certainly don''t want anyone coming to our wedding if they don''t want to be there--do you?

I say send a gift with a nice card and call it a day.
Ditto. Why would I want to spend the extra per-head price on someone who doesn''t even want to be there? What a waste!

Skip it. Follow Haven''s gift-and-card advice and go see a movie instead.
 
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