Have you Discussed What kind of wedding you''''ll have?

[aggal06]

Just curious if any other ladies here have talked to their SO about what kind of wedding they want. My boyfriend is catholic and I have never set foot in a catholic church (I''ve been methodist for the past year and before that United Church of Christ). I''ve heard that you have to have a catholic wedding if you''re catholic or the church doesn''t recognize it as a real wedding. We''re not even engaged yet but I''ve brought it up a few times and the problem with him is he thinks catholic is the best way to go, however he hasn''t been to church since he was 17 or 18 and he''s 28 now

. That makes me kind of sad sometimes. I go to church quite frequently and have been looking for a new one since I''ve moved a few months ago. He refuses to go with me because "they are not real churches" so it makes it kind of hard and stinky for me because I''m having to go alone. I honestly don''t think he''s ever been to a noncatholic church before in his life so he shouldn''t be making judgements. No offense if any of you ladies here are catholic by the way! I just have a feeling that he''s going to tell me that he doesn''t want to get married in a "fake church" or something like that. I do know a girl that had both a catholic and a protestant pastor at her wedding at the church I grew up in which wasn''t catholic. I didn''t actually go to her wedding (but I saw pictures!), but the concept is interesting. Her now husband is and was catholic at the time. I thought that was pretty interesting and might be something to think about for me. Is anyone else here in the same situation? If so, what are you and your SO going to do about where you get married and what kind of service you''ll have?

Edited to add that if you think this should be in the Ladies in Waiting forum feel free to move it. I wasn''t sure where to post it Thanks

 

[pjean]

We talked about it. I''m not as closely tied to a church as I used to be when we first started talking about weddings, but my FI not religious at all. So we definitely needed to talk (and still need to talk) about how to balance my desire for a religious wedding with his desire for a wedding that feels appropriate to him.

I think I would be pretty unhappy if he categorically refused to have any religion at the wedding, just as I think he would be pretty unhappy if I insisted on getting married in a very traditional religious ceremony. We''re all about the compromise.

Does that sound like something your bf would do, or would he be more likely to dictate and then leave?

 

[aggal06]

I''ve had him say that I''m making demands when I say, "hey, I''m not catholic but I want a religious wedding that isn''t catholic." Most of my family isn''t catholic except my sister and brother-in-law, they just converted (my nephew was getting confused going to catholic school and a protestant church so they picked one lol) and I think the rest of my family would be uncomftorable having a catholic service. So, then he''ll make demands that he wants a catholic wedding (even though he doesn''t attend). I dont'' even know why we''re arguing about this now, but I guess the sooner the better lol I should really ask him what his mom and dad did for their wedding. His mom is catholic and his dad is baptist. I''m pretty sure they had a catholic wedding, but I won''t for sure know until I ask. I was thinking maybe a compromise like what my sister''s friend did with a pastor from both denominations would work for him and keep us both happy, but I haven''t brought it up to him yet. Maybe I should do that in the next week or so just to see what he thinks I just have to wait for the right time to bring it up. But we''re not even engaged yet so I still have plenty of time to ask about it haha.

 

[pjean]

Date: 9/4/2008 2:49:52 PM
Author: aggal06
I''ve had him say that I''m making demands ...

um... what??? I know it''s really easy to misjudge things other people say casually about their relationships in internet forums, but I have to say, this is a huge red flag for me. How is it not ok for you to have input? And how does "making demands" make it ok for him to dismiss what you''re asking for?

I''m not sure you should be discussing how to do your marriage ceremony - I think you should be discussing whether you should get married if you can''t have a give-and-take conversation about this kind of stuff.

Take that with a grain of salt, ''cause I know I don''t have enough information about your relationship to go by. But geez!

 

[Gwyn]

Though not in the same situation as you, my FI and I both talked about what kind of wedding we wanted before we got engaged.

Luckily neither of us were very religious and opted to exclude religion from our outdoor, garden ceremony.

I did however date one man for a lil over 5 years who was raised catholic (though he didnt go to church since highschool). Most of his family were all married in one catholic church (absolutely beautiful) we agreed that, if we were to marry, it would be there. His grandfather was on the board there and willing to make the donation so that we could marry there (I guess he had done this a few times in the past since a few of his children married non-catholics).

I didnt mind so much because, as i said before, it was breathtaking. We agreed that the service would be there but there wouldnt be a full mass or communion or anything like that which would elongate the ceremony and/or alienate those of a different faith.

Maybe you guys could negotiate the thing you think might make your family (and yourself) incomfortable.

IMO calling other churches "fake" just makes him sound arrogant and ignorant. Not to mention a little hypocritial considering he doesnt even practice the faith he considers above all others (I do not mean to diss your boyfriend but that kind of righteousness and intolerance really irks me).

 

[lliang_chi]

I hope your boyfriend knows that he or both of you will HAVE to go to church consistently if he wants you guys to have a Catholic wedding. And seeing how he doesn''t go to any church now, I just don''t see it happening.

I''m assuming there''s a lot you''re leaving out on why your BF has the opinion he does, so I won''t comment on that. But in terms of a ceremony that everyone can feel comfortable with, ceremony only (NOT full mass) would seem to be the best way to go. First off you''re not Catholic so you CANNOT take communion. So I can''t see how he could argue for a full mass. Once that''s a given, you can edit out some really "Catholic-y/church-y" rituals. A few come to mind if you want some suggestions. Then it''ll just be a longer religious ceremony that just so happens to be performed in a Catholic church (Processional, greeting, readings, gospel, homily, blessing, vows, recessional).

You''re right it''s good you guys are discussing this now, but your boyfriend MUST be open to compromise. It doesn''t sound like you have any plans to convert, definitely let him know that in the beginning. This issue is not just a "where are we getting married" issue. It''ll come up again when your kids are born, what schools they go to, etc. Best to figure all this stuff out now.

 

[aggal06]

Well his dad doesn''t go to church at all because he''s not catholic, he''s baptist. This is why I''ve been wondering if they had a catholic wedding (his dad and mom) His mom took him and his brothers to catholic church while his dad sits at home and watches football or sleeps in or something. I think this is why he thinks he doesn''t have to go and that I can go alone because his mother did it like that. He has mentioned that he will go to a church with me if I go with him to a catholic church, of course this was on Christmas Eve and not a regular Sunday. And then of course if I could get him to go, but to a catholic church, I''d have to take conversion classes in order to take communion for a few months or so, at least that''s what my sister had to do to convert. But I don''t want to have to convert to catholic just because he won''t be open-minded and try a church that I like. I doubt he''s been to a Methodist church which is one of the closer denominations to catholic. Maybe I should try a catholic church to be open-minded myself and maybe not have this issue with him? Even then I wouldn''t know what''s going on during the service lol.

I hope I didn''t come off too harsh in my second post with the demands statement. A lot of times he tries to argue with me about things just for the sake of arguing because he knows it annoys me and he thinks it''s funny because it''s so easy to. That was one of the times that he did that. Maybe my choice of words was bad. For example, last night he was arguing with me about election stuff because I made him watch Palin speak just because he likes to argue and always try to be right about everything.

He''s a strange man.

 

[lliang_chi]

Aggal,

I think you should make a deal with each other, you go to a Catholic mass with him and he should go to a Methodist (or whichever denomination you like) church with you. It''s pretty fair.

Also just to throw another ingrident into the mix, Episcopalian (spelling?) masses are VERY similar to Catholic masses. They''re Anglican based, which follows a lot of the Catholic traditions.

I think you guys should focus on the parish (the priest and community and church) over the particular type of religion, Catholic v Methodist. Who knows, he might find himself totally not jiving with the Catholic parish and totally jiving with yours or the other way around.

Good luck.

 

[aggal06]

That''s a really good idea and a very fair deal. I''ll bring it up to him and see what he thinks. I''ve also heard that Lutheran is pretty similar as well, actually more similar than Methodist so that might be another option as well. Thanks for the idea!

 

[mimzy]

i could have written your post a year ago! (well, mostly!)

my FI is catholic and has only ever gone to catholic churches, whereas while i was baptized byzantine catholic (different than roman catholic), i prescribe to a much more protestant brand of christianity - i''m not terribly comfortable in catholic churches (although i''ve been to them on and off my whole life) and i really feel at home in other nondenominational settings. our faith is very important to both of us; but his is more rooted in tradition than mine, which i''m sure you can relate to!

FI originally said that he wanted it to be a catholic wedding 100% but when it came down to choosing a church, he picked a protastant one because it was cheaper and nicer looking (we couldn''t use his home church because it was too far away from the reception site....and he wasn''t particularly attached to *that* catholic church, even though he''d make comments about how his mean FI is making him get married somewhere else

!). so we''re having a protastant wedding and we are going to have a convalidation ceremony afterwards at his church so that it is recognized by the catholic church (in case we decide later on to join a catholic church where we move to). His priest was willing to attend our ceremony and participate, but couldn''t do it due to logistics.

i''m really hesitant to mention this because i don''t want you to think that i''m coming down hard on your relationship at all, but i hope that you two are able to come to a respectful compromise in terms of church attendance, because if your faith is important to you, that can be a HUGE issue down the road. you should be able to share something as fundamental as faith with your partner. stefan and i don''t always agree on everything, but i''m willing to go to his church with him and he''s willing to explore other churches with me when we move. Call him out on his behavior - if he''s so sure that the catholic faith is the ONLY one, then why doesn''t he prove it with his actions? and if you let him know that it''s important to you that he at least *TRIES* another church out and he still is resistant, you''ll have to decide if you''re okay with going to church (and grow in your faith) alone for the rest of your life

sorry if i overstepped my boundaries! we just had to work through the same things as you''re facing (there''s much more to the story but i condensed it for reading convenience!)

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Depending on the church some Roman Catholic churches are very strict about the standards which need to be met in order to have a religious ceremony; a few may even surprise your BF. I recently spoke with a priest at the parish I attended with my family growing up. We were looking to have our ceremony take place in the church but without the full mass. Please, to those who are religious, do not be offended by this statement: FI I and had questioned this possibility because this was the parish my parents and grandparents were wed in so it was more for the heir factor than the desire to have our marriage sanctioned by the church.

The list of requirements was VERY long. Not only did FI I and I have to begin attending weekly masses BUT the priest at our local parish had to write a letter stating our weekly attendence to the parish we were looking to have our ceremony in. In addition to attending mass on a regular basis, we would have to participate in pre-marital counseling once a week at that parish (which is approximately an hour plus away from our home) as well as attend a retreat weekend. I would have had to get confirmed. If we successully completed all of the above only then would the church agree to marry us.

This is not to say that ALL churches are this strict with their rules. However, your BF may want to check into what his particular parish would require - especially if it means a return to regular masses. Should you decide to look into this further, that would be a fantastic opportunity for you to find out their stance on interfaith ceremonies. Some churches allow it and others do not.

 

[kittybean]

My FI and I are both Catholic, so we definitely agreed that we would have a Catholic wedding long before we were engaged. Your BF should really look into what''s required in having a Catholic wedding, because you have to go through some significant marriage preparation (8-12 months) before you do. FI and I are currently in the midst of that. Here are some things that are required in my diocese (a pretty conservative one).

- One party must be a baptized, confirmed Catholic (or be confirmed before the wedding).

- If both parties are not Catholic, they will still marry you, but you both must agree that you will raise your children Catholic.

- The ceremony must be in an actual church, NOT outside.

- You have to spend 8-12 months preparing. This includes classes on marital communication, natural family planning (ugh), counseling sessions with a priest and potentially another married Catholic couple, and an engaged couples'' retreat.

- Usually one of you has to be a registered member of the church where you will have the ceremony. Otherwise, it can be a huge mess; your BF''s priest would have to "delegate" authority to another parish, you would have to find your own priest to officiate, and do loads of paperwork. If he is not registered at a parish, many parishes will allow you to register (and therefore have your wedding there) only after attending mass regularly there for several months and filling out even more paperwork.

- There is a ton of paperwork involved, including sworn statements from parents and other witnesses that you are free and willing to undertake the solemn sacrament of marriage.

- As far as I know, there is no requirement that you have to attend Mass every week, although it''s obviously encouraged. You will also be "encouraged" to pray together, read the Bible together, and be chaste together. (FI and I do not necessarily do all these things, and they aren''t giving us too much of a hard time about it.)

- Before the wedding, both parties should receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation (go to Confession).

- You do not have to have a wedding Mass, although it is commonly done. You can have a wedding outside of Mass, but all the priests we''ve encountered really push the Mass thing (e.g., "You only do it once--you should do it right!").


I hope that gives you some insight on what is required for a Catholic wedding. Maybe share it with your BF and see what he thinks. Some diocese are less conservative/stringent than mine, but it is more or less the same everywhere. I know that my Byzantine Catholic church requires counseling, but has a lot less red tape, and less mandatory classes and such.

P.S. Mimzy, I was baptized and confirmed Byzantine Catholic as well! I usually go to Roman Catholic church with FI, but my whole family is Ukrainian Catholic.

 

[trillionaire]

I want to elope. Simply the two of us on a beach and a photographer. A local beach. Somewhere we can drive to get married, then relax. No big fuss.

We were on the same page, then his brother got married. He got some sort of a wedding bug, and now is thinking he wants a wedding.

I told him he has to plan it (at least 50-60%), if that is what he wants. I will help. He wasn''t thrilled at the thought of that, so maybe, just maybe, I will get my "non-wedding" wedding

I really want nothing to do with a traditional wedding, and it makes me want to cry just thinking about it!

 

[ladypirate]

Ditto on trying the Episcopal church--very similar to Catholicism (seriously, the two services are nearly identical) and they tend to be very welcoming. Good luck!

 

[blondebunny]

my FF is catholic, and Im christian. When we talked a long time ago about getting married he mentioned getting married in a church, and i looked at him like he''s crazy...he hasnt been to church maybe since i dunno young teenager?(14-15??) it was a huge surprise to me especially since he hasnt gone in forever, and NEVER mentioned anything about church or anything before that...he told me I would have to convert... I gave him another face, and didnt know why I had to convert and he didnt convert for me?!?! He said it was really important to him since he did all the classes, and whatever else (i dont really know??), and that he wanted me to convert... I eventually thought about it and said if that is really what you want ill do it because I love you...

I later mentioned to his mom about the whole church thing and she about fell on the floor, she couldnt believe he insisted on getting married in a church..

since then he has decided that whatever would be fine, since for us to get married in a catholic church we would have to go to all the premarital counseling and Id have to attend all of those classes, and there isnt really anytime in our schedule for that..

We havent talked about it recently (past 6 months) so I dont know what he is thinking now, but hopefully the same thing as before, we''ll do whatever..

 

[vita*dolce]

i''ve only read your original post, so bear with me if i''m being repetitive


1. i am catholic, but not at all offended by anything you''re saying. i''m actually kind of offended for you that your boyfriend is telling you that your church is fake. if you''re true to your religious upbringing and you want to worship in a church of your choice, there is nothing fake about that. he hasn''t even been to church in 10 years, but regardless of his religious habits, he still has no right to judge yours. all religions are beautiful and interesting and he shouldn''t discount your beliefs OR your feelings. which leads me into my next point...

2. your future fiancee should be willing to compromise with you about your wedding, and shouldn''t force you to be a part of a religious ceremony that you don''t believe in, especially since he''s not even a practicing catholic. why would he care if the church recognizes your union if he hasn''t even been to church in 10 years?

3. i don''t know anyone who''s had more than one pastor at their wedding, but i definitely think it''s an option worth exploring in your situation! you should ask your SO how he feels about that, because that might be a perfect compromise!


that said -- religious beliefs are funny in that people really cling to them even if they don''t really internalize those values. you''ll probably have to accept that your SO feels strongly about this even if it''s kind of irrational. try to communicate what''s important to you and then find a way to come to a solution you''re both comfortable with!

good luck!

 

[PuddingFace]

Yeah, that sounds like a tough one. Luckily, you seem pretty open minded and willing to compromise and hopefully once he loses interest in arguing with you

he''ll come around as well.

In my case I was raised Catholic but never confirmed and he was raised Lutheran. Neither of us attend church and neither of us have intentions to change that. We talked this weekend about what to do when wedding time rolls around and we''re both pretty sure the church route is not for us. We''re not really sure where we do want to have it though.

Good luck!

 

[D2B]

Just in case you later do think of a catholic wedding, just for your info:

My DH is not catholic and I am. at our local catholic church (which I certainly wasnt a regular attendee), we were married in a simple ceremony. we did not have a full mass, as most of the wedding party was not catholic, but christian. Our local church was very supportive, we had a chat before hand, discussed our desire for a catholic wedding and I think we had to promise to raise our children as catholic. the priest was very nice and friendly. I guess what I am trying to say, the difficulty you may or may not have being married in a catholic church will depend on the priest at the time. Some are very traditional, others more modern and relaxed.

good luck, it certainly is something that needs to be cleared up, as well as future children what faith will they be raised in.

d2b

 

[aggal06]

Wow, I did not know how much goes into getting married in the catholic church until I read what has been written here. Thank you for pointing that out to me, and I''m so glad I asked about this! I''ve only heard about the premarital counseling part, never that your children have to be raised as catholic part of this. That''s definetely something that needs to be talked about at some point.

I think the main reason why he would want a catholic wedding is because he''s from Louisiana and all of his family is catholic. I''ve said in another post that he''s a mamma''s boy, so I have a feeling that it''s for his mom. Hopefully when the time comes he''ll see what all we have to go through and he''ll change his mind! I honestly don''t see him going to church every week or wanting to go through all of the premarital counseling.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I just skimmed over the posts towards the end (i am supposed to be working after all hehe)
and I noticed you said that you heard lutheran is very similiar to catholic. Well I''m lutheran and I wanted to add that it''s probably the opposite (imho). lutheran churches tend to be much more relaxed about the "rules" and the services every sunday. not to mention the bible school is much less intense than catholic school and i don''t believe you have to take any special classes to become a member of the church (That i know of)
ok, that''s my two cents, had to throw it out
now back to work!

 

[absolut_blonde]

Neither one of us is religious, so that isn't an issue. To be honest, I am glad that it isn't an issue for us. My ex was Catholic and I would not have felt comfortable getting married in the Church or promising to raise my children as such (and his mom would've flipped out if I refused...). Size of the wedding, however, is an issue!

I don't want a massive wedding, really. I don't particularly enjoy being the center of attention. And I just don't want a bunch of people there who I am not close to -- if I won't notice whether or not they came, why invite them? That's not to say it needs to be super small, but I'd like to keep it under 100 (relatively speaking, still fairly large!). I'd also be ok with a destination wedding.

However, SO has been invited to a billion weddings in the past few years. He has a very large extended family. And, he has a lot of friends from HS/college that he's kept in touch with. Did I mention that he's been a groomsman 5 times? He feels a bit obligated to ask all of those guys to be in his wedding party now, too. Basically, he wants to have a very large, fun wedding. Which I actually understand, but it seems like a) a lot of work, b) a lot of stress and c) a lot of money that we do not have (at least, not for this use)

However, a lot of our friends/family who have been married over the past few years didn't enjoy their wedding days all that much. The only ones that really did are the ones who went the destination wedding route. To boot, many people we know who went with a traditional wedding remarked that they regret NOT having a DW. As a result, SO's been coming around to the idea of a DW or at least a smaller wedding.


I still flipflop a lot about what I want, though. Some days I get caught up in the princess fantasy of a big wedding, big dress, etc. Other days I think getting married on a beach and having to plan very little of it sounds best. I have no idea what we'll end up choosing! Some of it depends on when he actually proposes as well (time of year, etc).

 

[misskitty]

I''m Orthodox and SO is Protestant. We had a long talk about the pros and cons of ceremonies in both churches (he has allergic reactions when he''s around incense, so a ceremony in my church is a no-go), and decided to compromise with an outdoor ceremony with two officiants.

 

[radiantquest]

that seems like a lot to go through to promise to love someone forever.

he and i are both pretty lax on religion. we are doing the jp thing and then having a big cookout for all our friends and family to come and eat and celebrate with us. we are just doing things in our own style.

 

[honey22]

I think marriage is about making compromises for each other, and you sound like you both need to meet half way on this one. It''s very important to both of you, and it''s not fair that he simply gets his way and that''s the end of it.

Have you thought of having a celebrant officiate in a non-religous ceremony in a non-denominational chapel or something. That way you can incorporate elements of BOTH religions and other things you both like, and everyone is happy. It''s not exactly what you both want, but it may be a compromise that you can both live with.

 

[kittybean]

Date: 9/5/2008 9:23:58 PM
Author: radiantquest
that seems like a lot to go through to promise to love someone forever.


he and i are both pretty lax on religion. we are doing the jp thing and then having a big cookout for all our friends and family to come and eat and celebrate with us. we are just doing things in our own style.

AMEN! (No pun intended.) The whole process with the Church has been really frustrating and difficult, and I don''t understand why it has to be so. I thought the goal was to welcome everyone, not bury them in paperwork!

To the OP--sorry for the mini-threadjack!

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 9/4/2008 5:40:36 PM
Author: mimzy
i''m really hesitant to mention this because i don''t want you to think that i''m coming down hard on your relationship at all, but i hope that you two are able to come to a respectful compromise in terms of church attendance, because if your faith is important to you, that can be a HUGE issue down the road. you should be able to share something as fundamental as faith with your partner. stefan and i don''t always agree on everything, but i''m willing to go to his church with him and he''s willing to explore other churches with me when we move. Call him out on his behavior - if he''s so sure that the catholic faith is the ONLY one, then why doesn''t he prove it with his actions? and if you let him know that it''s important to you that he at least *TRIES* another church out and he still is resistant, you''ll have to decide if you''re okay with going to church (and grow in your faith) alone for the rest of your life

I strongly disagree. I have strong faith and my FI is an athiest and it hasn''t been a problem at all for us. It is MY personal belief and I do not expect him to believe it just because I do. I would hope that having someone you (generic you, not just mimzy) care about so much who believes differently would teach you there is no one right religion, but beliefs that are better for certain people. If so, then is it so bad that you don''t have the same religion? Why MUST you both believe exactly the same thing? My parents have different beliefs, as did the parents of many of the kids I grew up with and as long as both sides are willing to let the chlid decide and not declare their religion the right one, it works fine.


To the OP, we are having a secular wedding because I feel that''s what a marriage is, a legal union. Spiritually, we have been united for years so we just looked at it a different way. If you do consider Catholic weddings, look at different dioceses which can be radically different in requirements, I know that is how it is where I am.