Having doubts…

[fieryred33143]

I know I’m going to get all kinds of comment here but I have no one else to talk to about this stuff and I’ve been so sad lately.

So he got the ring about 1.5 months ago. I figured there would be a waiting time for me especially since he’s mentioned a few times that he wants to propose during the holidays. I was fine with this…I knew the waiting would kill me but I wanted him to plan what he felt was the best proposal.

But lately I’ve been feeling like he should be a little bit more excited about the whole thing. I tried justifying it by saying “well he’s just a guy” but this is a huge decision for him…shouldn’t he feel more excited about it? And because I feel that maybe he isn’t excited about it, I also feel like maybe he doesn’t really want to marry me…just feels some sort of obligation to. Does that make sense? What led me to this conclusion are a bunch of little things. For starters, this whole time I’ve been thinking that my ring is in some super hiding spot so that I wouldn’t find it until the proposal. Right after he purchased, I went on business trips for 3 weeks and it took me about 1 week to really get in the mood to straighten out the closet and do laundry. As I’m fixing the closet, my heart sank.

There was “my” ring, hanging from a clothes hanger.

What kind of a hiding spot is that?? He couldn’t think of a more creative place?? This is an engagement ring we’re talking about not some new shirt!!

The other is fixing the ring. I noticed in a picture that the head looked a little off. Even though he bought the ring for me, its not mine yet. So I told him about it, he looked at the pic, we inspected the ring, and both concluded that yes, it’s off. So now what does he want…for me to go in and take it to get it fixed. Me?!?! So I’m supposed to walk in there with the bag and the box and the pretty little bow on top of the box and ask them to fix it

. I feel that if he cared enough about it and the whole process, he would go fix it himself…after all it is his ring.

And there are a bunch of other things too that I don’t feel like typing up because it just gets me feeling even sadder.

I love him tremendously and want to spend the rest of my life with him…but I don’t want someone to marry me out of feeling an obligation to

. And lately that’s how I have felt, that he doesn’t want to but feels he has to. I don’t want him to make the mistake in marrying someone he doesn’t want to marry. That would be heartbreaking for anyone. When I tell him this he tells me that I’m crazy and that I just need to give him time to plan something but I still can’t shake the feeling. I don’t know if maybe its due to the whole waiting time even though the ring is home or maybe its because I have a legit reason for feeling this way. I’m just not sure if this is something he really wants for himself. And believe me when I say its not about the proposal...I know that its coming...I''m just not sure its coming from a sincere place

 

[HollyS]

Talk to him. Tell him exactly what you''re thinking; express your fear that he isn''t ''wanting'' this like you are.

It''s an elephant in the room, and it won''t leave quietly without leaving a mess behind. So address it. With him, honey. Not us.

 

[GoingCrazy29]

Your post made me feel your sadness through my computer. I''m so sorry you''re dealing with this when its supposed to be such an exciting and happy time in your relationship.

I don''t really have any advice other than you need to sit him down and really let him know how you''re concerned that these seemingly small incidents make you feel less secure in the relationship and are making you have doubts about how he feels about you. Guys always complain that they aren''t mind readers and can''t read our minds, well we''re not mind readers either; ask him if he''s trying to tell you something through his actions or if there is something he needs to get off his chest.

Has he ever acted excited about the engagement/marriage?

Hopefully some of these other girls will have better advice for you! You''ll be in my thoughts!!

 

[Bia]

Oh man...I''m sorry you''re feeling this way. I agree that you need to talk to him about this. If it''s hurting you, then he should know that.

But for argument''s sake and in his defense, not every man has the same feelings about the whole proposal process. He might feel that you''re already his, since you live together, have been together so long, have the ring (yay!)--and are very obviously in love. Maybe its just not a big TA-DAA experience for him like it is for some guys. There are plenty of men that want to get married but don''t feel the urge that their partners might feel. Maybe he feels that since you guys have picked out the ring and you know what it looks like, it never occurred to him to really hide it. There could be countless reasons that he is overlooking the romantic, surprise elements to your proposal...and most likely none of them mean he doesn''t want to make you his wife.

Talk to him girly...make him understand how you feel. Good luck

 

[ladypirate]

I second Holly''s advice--talk to him. That way you''ll know one way or the other and will be able to rest easy.

*Big Hugs* I hope that things turn out the way you want them to.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 7/29/2008 1:52:26 PM
Author:fieryred33143

I know I’m going to get all kinds of comment here but I have no one else to talk to about this stuff and I’ve been so sad lately.

So he got the ring about 1.5 months ago. I figured there would be a waiting time for me especially since he’s mentioned a few times that he wants to propose during the holidays. I was fine with this…I knew the waiting would kill me but I wanted him to plan what he felt was the best proposal.

But lately I’ve been feeling like he should be a little bit more excited about the whole thing. I tried justifying it by saying “well he’s just a guy” but this is a huge decision for him…shouldn’t he feel more excited about it? And because I feel that maybe he isn’t excited about it, I also feel like maybe he doesn’t really want to marry me…just feels some sort of obligation to. Does that make sense? What led me to this conclusion are a bunch of little things. For starters, this whole time I’ve been thinking that my ring is in some super hiding spot so that I wouldn’t find it until the proposal. Right after he purchased, I went on business trips for 3 weeks and it took me about 1 week to really get in the mood to straighten out the closet and do laundry. As I’m fixing the closet, my heart sank.

There was “my” ring, hanging from a clothes hanger.

What kind of a hiding spot is that?? He couldn’t think of a more creative place?? This is an engagement ring we’re talking about not some new shirt!!

The other is fixing the ring. I noticed in a picture that the head looked a little off. Even though he bought the ring for me, its not mine yet. So I told him about it, he looked at the pic, we inspected the ring, and both concluded that yes, it’s off. So now what does he want…for me to go in and take it to get it fixed. Me?!?! So I’m supposed to walk in there with the bag and the box and the pretty little bow on top of the box and ask them to fix it

. I feel that if he cared enough about it and the whole process, he would go fix it himself…after all it is his ring.

And there are a bunch of other things too that I don’t feel like typing up because it just gets me feeling even sadder.

I love him tremendously and want to spend the rest of my life with him…but I don’t want someone to marry me out of feeling an obligation to

. And lately that’s how I have felt, that he doesn’t want to but feels he has to. I don’t want him to make the mistake in marrying someone he doesn’t want to marry. That would be heartbreaking for anyone. When I tell him this he tells me that I’m crazy and that I just need to give him time to plan something but I still can’t shake the feeling. I don’t know if maybe its due to the whole waiting time even though the ring is home or maybe its because I have a legit reason for feeling this way. I’m just not sure if this is something he really wants for himself. And believe me when I say its not about the proposal...I know that its coming...I'm just not sure its coming from a sincere place

oh Hon,
can i just say i know exactly how you feel! Ever since boyf and i started talking about ring styles, ect, i too feel like his "excitement" is no where to be found

When i got my gma's wedding set handed down to me i honestly thought that since we both liked the setting and both wanted to us it (me more than him) he would be all fine and dandy about getting the ring fixed and then asking me. So far i have done ALL the legwork on getting information about it being repaired and checking up on safety deposit boxes. Its kinda like "great, glad i am doing all this work. lets hope the proposal is something good" /www.pricescope.com/idealbb/images/smilies/15.gif[/img]

regarding his hiding spot - maybe he thought you wouldnt clean the laundry room? but seriously, that is about the lamest place to hide something

My boyf "hides" things in his pants drawer. He'd have better luck hiding it in the sock drawer since i refuse to fold his socks.

You know, i think it is knowing that the ring is sitting there at home. It does make you wonder "hmm.. okay, why is nothing being done". I really doubt there is a question in his mind about proposing. Some guys are just "late bloomers" when it comes to planning and carrying out actions. My boyf (love him dearly) is a great subject

Does your guy get excited about other "future" things, such as house, kids, ect? Mine does, which is the reassurance i have that its not that he doesnt want to marry me, its that he's still "planning". Infact, yesterday he was talking about ideas on "where WE would move too" "styles of houses WE want and will comp. on" etc. Made me very happy to hear WE instead of ME.

Don't worry, youre not crazy or a horrible person for having these thoughts. you're not alone at all!

ETA - Okay i do agree you should talk to him, but it does sound like you already have? I just wanted to let you know you're not the only person who feels that way. Try giving it a week or two. Then if you are still feeling the same way, bring it up with him. I think taking some time to think first will benifit.

 

[decodelighted]

Agree with the advice so far. Please tell him how you feel & why. Would suggest doing it in a very calm, unemotional way (if possible) & finding a way to phrase things without putting him on the defensive. Maybe something like:

"There''s been something that''s been bothering me lately and I can''t tell whether its rational or irrational ... can I share my feelings with you?"

More of an open ended confession/question/request for analysis & comfort rather than an *accusation*. It could all be a misunderstanding. It could be mild mixed feelings about getting married (happens to many, many folks). Or it could be something more serious. Whatever it is -- better to clear the air & work through stuff together with open communication about it. Your feelings are legitimate whether or not you''re interpreting his actions correctly. Just be gentle about it & willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

[Lauren8211]

I cant say anything more than the other ladies have already said, but I just wanted to tell you I''m sorry that you''re feeling that way. I hope you guys can have a nice talk and figure everything out.

Good Luck!

 

[fieryred33143]

Thank you for all of the advice so far.

In terms of his excitement: We talk about marriage all the time and there will be moments where out of the blue he’ll say “I can’t wait to spend forever with you” but then there are times when he’ll get so incredibly annoyed. If I say can you go fix the ring this weekend, I can hear the frustration in his voice with doing that. If I start talking about a budget for the wedding, he’ll brush it off completely (this one I’m giving him a pass on as I’ve learned that a lot of people find it strange to plan a wedding pre-engagement, even though I don’t).
I am going to talk to him based on all the suggestions here. I think its been harder dealing with having the ring at home than it is when we didn’t have one. I feel like the ring is there, that’s it…no more excuses. It’s now or never kind of feeling

 

[purrfectpear]

I went back and read a few of your previous topics to see where your relationship was coming from. What I gleaned was that you are a real romantic. You love the mush

It sounds like Mr. Fiery is maybe not such a romantic guy, but you''ve loved him for 6 years now right? Don''t set yourself up for disappointment by expecting him to turn into Prince Charming over the engagement. He''s still the same guy and you won''t be happy if you compare him to how you think the perfect "excited engagement guy" should act.

One thing did stick out. Remember when you posted that you guys went ring shopping and you thought you were just browsing for ideas and he saw the ring on your finger, and the look on your face, and said "that''s HER ring, wrap it up". No one twisted his arm honey. He loves you and he wanted to make you happy. That was pretty romantic and it may be as romantic as he gets

That said, I would go ahead and try to explain to him your concerns. It does sound as though he''s on board, since he did confirm everything was OK when you brought it up. Try not to worry.

Just remember it''s not about the engagement, or the story, or the hearts and flowers, it''s about the commitment to spend your lives together.

 

[misscuppycake]

While I definitely agere with the advice about talking to him, I also think there''s a chance that you two are just seeing things in a different way. Perhaps he is very much excited about the marriage, but doesn''t care much about the ring itself. Maybe to him, that''s not a vital part of the whole process (ie. making sure the head is perfectly aligned or hiding it in a particular spot). It could just be his non-chalance towards jewelry itself and nothing to do with the important parts of a marriage.

 

[Erin]

"If I were a ring, where would I hide?"

I would never think to look for it hiding on a hanger. That''s a pretty freakin good hiding spot if you ask me. And were you REALLY cleaning out the laundry room? or was that an excuse in a quest to somehow find his hiding spot?

As far as the ring needing fixed.
He thought he got you the perfect ring. You kinda let the air outta his tires by deeming it flawed. I''m not saying it isn''t crooked. But neither of you noticed it at the point of purchase. Back then it was still the perfect ring. I''m sure what he meant by you fixing it is - after you receive it, take it in and explain your expectations because you''re the one who knows about diamonds. You''re the one who sees the flaw. You''re the one who''s going to be wearing it. I.I.I.I.I don''t wanna screw it up even more. At least that''s how some men in my life would be saying between the ears.

Relax. Let him come up with the perfect proposal. Maybe it means one day he just wings it. Whatever fits his personality it''ll be the well executed plan, the wing it or the ''I can''t put this off anymore - Here'' Whatever the case, just relax. He loves you, he wants to marry you, he bought a ring, he hid it for the right time. Relax. Wait. Love him. Smile.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 7/29/2008 3:16:53 PM
Author: misscuppycake
While I definitely agere with the advice about talking to him, I also think there's a chance that you two are just seeing things in a different way. Perhaps he is very much excited about the marriage, but doesn't care much about the ring itself. Maybe to him, that's not a vital part of the whole process (ie. making sure the head is perfectly aligned or hiding it in a particular spot). It could just be his non-chalance towards jewelry itself and nothing to do with the important parts of a marriage.

I agree With Misscuppycake about viewing things different ways.

I love giving gifts, so giving someone an e-ring would be VERY exciting for me. SO has talked ad nauseum about how he didn't like the engagement ring tradition, how it was manufactured by jewelers to make more money, how he resented the fact that women "expect" to be given these rings, etc etc. He said that of course he would "do the right thing," but knowing that he didn't "want to" is hard. This is very frustrating to hear, especially repeatedly

. The first time he told me, I told him that I loved that he was thinking outside the box and challenging the status quo, and that I really respected him sharing his opinions, even though we didn't share views. (I was being my calm rational neutral self)

The second and third time, I got really frustrated, and internalized it.

The last time, I told him that it was really frustrating to hear him speak so negatively about engagement, especially because we have been dating a long time (4.5 yrs at the time), and it felt like a personal attack, or some negative reflection on our relationship. I told him that if he did not want to give me a ring, then I didn't want one out of obligation. No one wants a begrudged gift

I also let him know that it was hard for me to listen to his negativity in comparison to the other men that have gotten engaged that I have been friends with and they are SO EXCITED!!!!

I asked him to save those gripes and negative feelings for his guy friends, but it was too hard for me to hear anymore.

Having said that, he DOES want to marry me, and he IS excited about our future together, and YES you need to have a talk with your BF!

You also need to keep in mind the person that you are dating when you think about whether he is excited or not. I understand how SO feels about engagements, but also that he wants to make me happy. So if I got myself worked up about what I percieve as "a lack of enthusiasm," it would make ME frustrated, and he wouldn't understand why, especially if he had purchased a ring. I certainly shouldn't expect him to feign enthusiasm, right? Also, we LIW's that spend a lot of time on PS read about a lot of ENTHUSED, FLASHY and ONE OF A KIND proposals, rings, etc. I think this can really negatively effect our abilities to appreciate what we have without comparing it to others. I'm sure your BF doesn't sit around talking with his guy friends about proposal ideas and recent engagements like we do

SO good luck with your talk. Sorry I was long winded, but I know how you feel, and thought my story might be good for perspective

 

[Independent Gal]

Maybe your dude hates all the engagement / wedding nonsense and just wishes he could skip right to being married to you. Could it be he''s actually dreading all the mush and then the tension, craziness, and publicity of the wedding? My bff HATES all this engagement and wedding crap and her fiance loves it and milks it for all its worth. He has the same fear that she doesn''t want him because she hates talking about or thinking about all the frilly frou frou wedding crap and he''s super excited. What she doesn''t want is all the bullcr@p that comes with weddings. What she DOES want is to be married to him.

Could that be it? Maybe he''s dreading the drama and the expense and the forced sentimentality, and all he really wants is to be married to you. If so, perhaps you could talk to him about what would make him more comfortable with that stuff... Maybe ask him, ideally, how would he want to marry you? At the courthouse? on a beach? Whatnot.

Just a random idea!

 

[galeteia]

Date: 7/29/2008 1:52:26 PM
Author:fieryred33143

And there are a bunch of other things too that I don’t feel like typing up because it just gets me feeling even sadder.

I love him tremendously and want to spend the rest of my life with him…but I don’t want someone to marry me out of feeling an obligation to

. And lately that’s how I have felt, that he doesn’t want to but feels he has to. I don’t want him to make the mistake in marrying someone he doesn’t want to marry. That would be heartbreaking for anyone. When I tell him this he tells me that I’m crazy and that I just need to give him time to plan something but I still can’t shake the feeling.

Just clarifying, when you two talk about it, he more or less brushes it off?

My first reaction is to tell you to talk to him, but if you've been trying to do so and he's not cooperating and at times gets 'annoyed' with you for whipping out the horse-beating stick for the umpteenth time - well, you've tried talking to him about it and it's not allaying your fears.

What about the other 'signs' of his love? People have referenced a book called 'Love Languages' (or something like that) which I presume is about the different ways people express their love for their partner. Is he otherwise displaying his usual methods of expressing his love for you?

Since there seems to be a long list of things that he's done to contribute to you feeling this way, perhaps when you talk to him and he dismisses it as 'crazy', ask him "Is it crazy? These feelings are prompted by your actions: example A, B, C, [...] X, Y, and Z? You are giving me overwhelming evidence that there is a problem."

I have found with every man I've been with except my current partner has not been able to string together separate instances into an overall habit or trend. They've always attempted to dismiss/explain each instance on it's own as an isolated incident, and I had to paint a very clear picture as to how they were evidence of an overall pattern, and that pattern had me very upset.

The farmhouse I grew up in had a little saying up on the wall that said:
"If one man calls you a jacka$$, ignore him.
If two men call you a jacka$$, check for hoofprints.
If three men call you a jacka$$, buy a saddle."

In other words, if you are being told something often enough, there is truth to it.

In this case, the moral is that if he is presenting you with disturbing evidence of a problem at every turn, and there is truly and sincerely no actual problem, then he needs to start putting some effort into preventing those examples from occurring.

Talk is cheap. If his words are telling you one thing but his actions are telling you another, it is not unreasonable to ask him that he pay more attention to his actions.

 

[fieryred33143]

PPear: Thank you so much for those words. They really did lift my spirits.

Misscuppycake: You do bring up a good point. He wasn’t interested in doing the diamond research at all. He had no idea what the 4cs meant except for carat so while I was looking for the diamond, he was looking at settings. When I did mention that the head was a little off, it did hurt his feelings. He felt like he made a mistake or that I didn’t like the ring anymore…when in fact I love, love it and I told him this and it was a mistake made by the jeweler. Thank you for those words.

Starset Princess: LOL…I wasn’t cleaning the laundry room, it was the closet (although I will admit that the first place I looked for the ring when I got home was the laundry room since that’s where he hides my Christmas presents LOL). What you said was exactly what he said…that I’m the one that noticed the problem, I’m the one that can speak to the issue, so I should be the one that goes in to fix it. I will remember to smile.

Trillionaire: That’s exactly how I feel. If it were me and I got someone an engagement ring, I don’t even think I would be able to plan a proposal…I would probably just blurt out on the phone “I got you a ring!!” out of pure excitement and it isn’t fair that I would assume he would feel the same. It reminds me of that poster that was upset about her parking lot proposal…while I thought it was such a perfect proposal. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I really did think that it was rare to find someone that wasn’t excited about it.

Independent Gal: He hasn’t mentioned to hating the engagement mush, because he mentioned right after buying the ring the possibility of doing an engagement party. But I think he is nervous about the attention on the wedding and has mentioned not wanting to do the ceremony in front of a lot of people so you may have a point and I will try to work that into our conversation to see if he feels that way.

Galateia: He does brush it off and I haven’t been able to figure out whether its because he has no interest in talking about it, is tired of talking about it, or doesn’t want to talk about it until after he plans the proposal. He does display his “usual” methods and hasn’t become distant…but that could just be out of comfort and routine. Thank you for this comment: “They''ve always attempted to dismiss/explain each instance on it''s own as an isolated incident, and I had to paint a very clear picture as to how they were evidence of an overall pattern, and that pattern had me very upset.” He does that all the time and out of frustration, I usually just say “forget it” but you have a point that I really should start painting a clearer picture of what upsets me.
Thanks again to everyone. It really has been helpful as I was feeling awful and no one to really talk to about it. I was afraid to go to him and have him feel that I was “bashing” him. Can’t go to the best friend as she’s a crazy bridezilla right now (LOL) and I don’t want my family really knowing about the ring just yet. So thanks a million

 

[trillionaire]

I''m glad that was helpful

Also keep in mind the quantity of conversations about engagements. If he is angry about occasional convos, I can see how that can be frustrating, BUT most men don''t get so obsessive about engagements and weddings as women do. I know SO is excited about getting married from the way he talks about our future together, but if I tried to talk to him about engagements all the time, it would drive him NUTS. Seriously, it would make him withdrawal and not want to talk about it. Even my dad, who loves Oprah and HGtv, and sends me cards and candy and stickers (he''s so CUTE, and NOT gay, lol) wasn''t into wedding planning. *shrug*

 

[customcushion]

Date: 7/29/2008 6:31:20 PM
Author: trillionaire
I''m glad that was helpful


Also keep in mind the quantity of conversations about engagements. If he is angry about occasional convos, I can see how that can be frustrating, BUT most men don''t get so obsessive about engagements and weddings as women do. I know SO is excited about getting married from the way he talks about our future together, but if I tried to talk to him about engagements all the time, it would drive him NUTS. Seriously, it would make him withdrawal and not want to talk about it. Even my dad, who loves Oprah and HGtv, and sends me cards and candy and stickers (he''s so CUTE, and NOT gay, lol) wasn''t into wedding planning. *shrug*

As a romantic guy, who doesn''t like all the external pressure and formality associated with an engagement (family, wedding planning frenzy)... this could be it.

Also, if he is going to propose he may not mention anything to you about it beforehand, so it''s more ''surprising.''

During the 2 or 3 months I spent searching for our Cushion and having FI''s ring made, I was very very excited, but didn''t tell her. I didn''t drop hints, and I didn''t want to talk engagements or weddings at all. I just wanted to get the ring finished, and surprise her with it.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Dear Firey,

I am so sorry you''re feeling such nagging uncertainy. Getting engaged is supposed to be an exciting time filled with warm, loving feelings...so to hear that you''re feeling "other" things is very sad. My heart breaks for you.

I think voicing your fears is an amazing first step to resolving your feelings. First of all, props for talking to your FF. Confronting your feelings with him is a great launch pad to resolving whatever is going on. Womans intution is a powerful, powerful thing...and usually not wrong....so if you''re feeling an imbalance or like something could be "off", you''re probably right.

But, at the same time, if he''s telling you "babe, I love you, calm down" then you need to listen to that as well...as Oprah once said "when a man shows you who he is, listen"

If he was willing to go out of pocket and buy the ring, there was some intention behind that---clearly. Most men could find a thousand other things to do with big money other than purchase diamond jewelry. His lack of creativity when it comes to a hiding place is really like looking for lions where there are only pussycats. You might have had a brillant hiding place...but maybe he never thought you''d go searching thru his hangers.

If I were you, I would encourage the open lines of communication. There could be a bit of cold feet behind his lack luster excitment...maybe more or maybe less or maybe nothing at all...but just talk...and who knows where that will get you!

Congratulations on your upcoming engagement!

 

[TravelingGal]

OK...

1) I am sorry you are feeling this way. Total bummer and whether rational or not, you feel the way you do and it sucks.
2) Agree with the advice to talk to him. Excellent.

Now, you can take the top two points and ignore the rest if you like. Read with a nice voice.

I''m going through and reading this thread kind of shaking my head a bit...was going to type something but good thing I read IG''s post because it will save me a bit of typing.

3) WHY should men be excited about the engagement process and
4) Just because they aren''t excited about the process does NOT MEAN they aren''t excited to marry their gal.

Honestly, I feel sorry for men sometimes when it comes to engagement. Women with expectations. Women''s friends with expectations. Spending more money they care to on a ring just because it''s tradition and expected. And if that isn''t enough, they have to get the proposal *just right*.

Of course, that''s a gross generalization and not all men are not like that. (Disclaimer for the day).

I don''t know what other things are going on your relationship, but solely from this thread, I''d say you may be using the words "engagement" and "marriage" interchangeably. You said, "I love him tremendously and want to spend the rest of my life with him…but I don’t want someone to marry me out of feeling an obligation to. "

If engagement was simply two adults having a discussion and deciding to spend the rest of their lives together and just moving forward, it would spare everyone a lot of grief. You don''t see all the craziness when it comes to couples deciding to move in together - and isn''t it the same thing in principle? Committing more seriously to one another and intertwining lives?

Re: hiding place, oh my god...I agree...I think the clothes hanger is a very creative place to hide the ring. It''s not his fault you found it! I''ve never heard of anyone hiding a ring on a hanger. It''s better than hiding it in his underwear drawer, for goodness sake. This is a prime example of how your opinion of what a good hiding place would be is forming a possibly unfair opinion on how this whole thing is being handled by your boyfriend.

My last point...men are practical. If you see something wrong with the ring (and yes, I know he agreed), it makes sense for you to take it in and explain what is wrong to it gets fixed correctly to your satisfaction the first time. I can just imagine if I sent TGuy into the jewelers in a situation like yours:

TGuy: This ring needs to be fixed. The head is a little off.
Jeweler: What''s wrong with it?
TGuy: This part. See? it''s off.
Jeweler: It''s supposed to be that way.
TGuy: (frustrated). I dunno. My girlfriend said it needs to be fixed. She said [blah blah blah], so can you fix it?
Jeweler: OK, we''ll fix it.
(TGuy brings home fixed ring.)
TGal: (inspecting ring with loupe, bigger loupe, binoculars and 20 other jeweler gadgets), it''s still not perfect!
TGuy: $*&%! YOU go get it done then!
TGal (upset that TGuy doesn''t seem to understand the IMPORTANCE of the situation). *sniff*

fin.

 

[FrekeChild]

Oh goodness. I can''t stop laughing at "TGuy vs. The Jeweler".

I think this needs to be made into a comic book...

BTW-well said TGal. (TTot has softened you, there is no doubt.)

And Fiery-The hanger would be a fantastic place to hide it-I''d NEVER find it there!

 

[D2B]

Well, in your guys defence, I cant see most guys getting that excited about the proposal details and e-ring details to the same degree as a girl. The guys we see on PS, are probably the exception, not the norm. In reality, for better or worse, the myth, fantasy, etc about proposals, weddings, e-rings are part of most girls accepted fantasies growing up, boys dont get into that. So as long as you feel all else is wonderful in the relationship, try not to get too disappointed or ask him to get as excited as you. I know this is not comming out as eloquently as I want, but what I mean is that I am sure that for him the meaning of the marriage and asking you to be his wife was immense and significant, but the excitement level about the details, is more a girl thing.
oh, not sure how to word it, but in the end, if he loves you, he loves you and he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

for example, we recently got my 10 year wedding anniversery eternity band, I obsessed about the details, all the stats, every little itty bit. My DH, just wasnt interested in the process, as far as he was concerned we had agreed to get one, he loved me and wanted me to have one, but there was no way he was going to go along for the ride with my ups and downs in finding it or obsessing about it. when I found it, he was happy I loved it and we got it.



d2b

 

[bee*]

I''m really sorry to hear that you''re feeling down. I do agree with the others in that you need to talk to him. D had the ring three months before he proposed and he just told me to leave it to him and that he wanted to plan it his way. It was frustrating and at times I wished that he would just do it but it was definitely worth it in the end as he was planning a trip to Barcelona and that''s what was taking him so long. Perhaps he''s planning something amazing. D never mentioned the engagement/ring once during those three months so I was wondering what the deal was also. I do think the hanger thing was quite good-D put my box in his dirty fishing gear

 

[havernell]

ETA: Okay, so about 12 people have already said what I just typed. I should have read the whole thread! Sorry. But I'll leave my post for posterity (or so you can gawk at the many spelling errors that are likely contained within)

I didn't read all the posts, so sorry if this is a repeat.

It sounds to me like your boyfriend is excited about the marriage, but not excited about all of the material "trappings" that go with a wedding- the ring, wedding planning/budgets, etc... I'd MUCH rather have him excited about what counts (being with you), than about the details (a crooked ring head, the cost of wedding flowers, etc).

A lot of guys aren't into jewelry or wedding planning. Yes, it was a dumb place to hid the ring, but that's boy logic for you. As for you being the one to take the ring to get fixed, he probably thinks if he takes it in and tries to explain the problem that he'll say something wrong and screw up the ring even more. You know how you want it to look so he probably figures you'd be better at explaining it the the jeweler. As for wedding planning, that's stressful for anyone and I'm not surprised its not his favorite topic (esp before you are even engaged)!

So I would talk to him like others said, but I would also take a step back and ask yourself if his heart is in the right place on the actual marriage part. If so, Iwouldn't get hung up on being upset about how he feels about the ring and planning, because these AREN'T what getting married is really about. I know it's hard when he's not excited about the same things you are, but every person is different. You can't project the level of importance you attach to things onto other people (unfortunately!)

Hope you feel better about everything soon!

 

[fieryred33143]

You are all right.

I haven’t talked to him yet because as decoded suggested, I would like to have a calm, unemotional conversation about it and I’m not quite there yet. I will say that last night I asked him if he would take the ring out so that I can take it in tomorrow (today) to get it fixed and he looked at me kind of funny. He then said “I didn’t mean for you to go in by yourself, I meant for you to go with me.”

Oops my bad

LOL

I’m really glad that everyone shared their stories as it knocked me off of my horse and I was sitting up high there for a while. After getting it all written down and reading everyone’s responses, it did make me feel so much better about the situation. Like I mentioned, I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it at the moment…imagine all I wrote being said directly to him as emotional as I was

. And now that I’m reflecting on everything that I wrote, it is silly of me to assume that he would go above and beyond who he already is. He’s a very mellow, quiet guy which is one of the main reasons that I fell in love with him. And yet I am expecting him to be shouting things from the rooftop…that’s not fair to him and it’s also extremely unrealistic.
Thanks again!

 

[purrfectpear]

Glad you''re feeling better about it. Some cold footies is to be expected. Wait till you''re engaged and the wedding date gets close

He sounds like a sweetheart. Just keep telling yourself, "it''s all good, it''s all good"

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/30/2008 9:16:58 AM
Author: fieryred33143

You are all right.

I haven’t talked to him yet because as decoded suggested, I would like to have a calm, unemotional conversation about it and I’m not quite there yet. I will say that last night I asked him if he would take the ring out so that I can take it in tomorrow (today) to get it fixed and he looked at me kind of funny. He then said “I didn’t mean for you to go in by yourself, I meant for you to go with me.”

Oops my bad

LOL

I’m really glad that everyone shared their stories as it knocked me off of my horse and I was sitting up high there for a while. After getting it all written down and reading everyone’s responses, it did make me feel so much better about the situation. Like I mentioned, I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it at the moment…imagine all I wrote being said directly to him as emotional as I was

. And now that I’m reflecting on everything that I wrote, it is silly of me to assume that he would go above and beyond who he already is. He’s a very mellow, quiet guy which is one of the main reasons that I fell in love with him. And yet I am expecting him to be shouting things from the rooftop…that’s not fair to him and it’s also extremely unrealistic.

Thanks again!

Good for you.

Quiet smiles are just as wonderful, sincere and heartwarming as spastic screaming, shouting and singing. Love can''t be judged by its outer shell sometimes and it''s great you recognize that.

I hope you have a wonderful engagement!