Having second thoughts

[secondthoughtsNY]

Well, so everyone can have a good understanding let me start from the begining. We were very happy from the start, we were inseperable. She often talked about marriage, about the ring and how big she would like it to be and what type of cut etc. Even when we would pass a bridal store her and her mother would chat about how when we got married her dress would be better than the one in the window and make plans for a wedding that didnt exist and wasn''t even spoken about (by me anyway). Either way I did have thoughts about it(marriage) and I had dated before and never had feelings about another girl like I did this one, I just never talked about marriage because I figured her and her mother did enough talking about it for half of america. We moved in together and have allready been living together for 2 years, there were some little quirks, I''m a neat freak, she isn''t(by a long shot), she likes to go out every weekend, I''m happy doing things at home, and a few other little things. I dismissed these quirks as every couple has their pet peeves. On our 4 year anniversary I popped the question.... The excitement lasted all of a week, these little things seemed to magnify since the engagement, almost like the thought of FOREVER took over and snowballed. Overall it seemed like our spark had just died out, and then the little kink became a knot. I started a new job where I met another woman. Before everyone jumps for my throat just know I haven''t done anything I haven''t even presented these feelings to this other woman. I''ve never cheated on any of my girlfriends

, but I have to say that the thought of cheating never entered my mind until now

. I haven''t had these feelings since i met my fiance. Does this mean I''m not in love with my fiance anymore, or maybe I was never in love and misreread these feelings, are these normal feelings, should I go on a test date with this other woman and see how it goes, maybe I really don''t know what love is, I''m so confused. I know if I tell her about my feelings it''s going to turn into a huge confrontation with yelling crying and who knows what else. Its a confrontation I really don''t want to have to face. HELP ME!

 

[SoonIHope]

Okay, first, DO NOT GO ON A TEST DATE!!! NO NO NO!!! No matter what issues you have now, you are still engaged, and I guarantee you nothing good will come of going on a test date before you resolve whatever is going on with you and your fiancee!!!!

Second, I think a lot of your feelings are pretty normal. Check out this thread and the older thread which is linked in there as well, to see that MANY people go through a stressful time after getting engaged once the whole "forever" idea sinks in. You DO love this woman and you DID decide you want to marry her and don''t forget that!!!! If you actually have real issues (or even if you don''t) you might want to consider pre-marital couples counseling, but it really does just sound like you have a good old fashioned case of cold feet. PLEASE don''t do anything rash (like go on a test date, or tell the other woman or your fiance about your new feelings) until after you take some time to step back, calm down, realize that forever IS a big deal, but just because it''s a big deal doesn''t mean you can''t do it!! This is an issue most likely just in your head for now, but perhaps between you and your fiancee...but it will just create a big mess if you bring the other woman into the picture. If you think it is more than cold feet, then I would try talking to your fiancee in a calm way about how the idea of forever is starting to make you nervous...but don''t bring up any thoughts about the other woman or potentially breaking up. Try to just have a good long talk with her about your fears, and also plan to do something fun and relaxing and not-wedding-related with her to remind yourself why you fell in love with her in the first place. No matter what you decide, I wish you both GOOD LUCK!!!!

 

[Lorelei]

Welcome

You are on the horns of a dilemma. Firstly I don't think that even considering a date with this other woman should be an option for you right now, it would be totally unfair on your fiance. What you are going through doesn't seem to be unusual, it happens once the excitement of the engagement wears off a bit and reality sets in. There could be many reasons why you feel this way and you need to think long and hard and see if you can realize why. These could include that subconsciously you resent being engaged and maybe you went along with it, just have cold feet, fear commitment, or maybe your feelings have changed towards your GF. A spark can dim once you get comfortable with each other and is replaced more with a sense of companionship and trust and partnership - the excitement of when you first get together can't be sustained for that long, then you have to find a way to keep the romance alive. Maybe a romantic weekend away might help you to find each other again, or a few fun nights out. Ask yourself if you would be truly heartbroken if your GF was the one to end the relationship, also can you imagine a happy life without her? This might help you to decide whats going on. Try to do what you can to repair the relationship and see if you can't get some joy back into it - give it your best shot then if you feel you have to end the engagement you can do so with a clear conscience which you won't be able to do if you date this other woman - it will make things far worse. If in time you become free then you can date who you want, but if you were, do you think this other woman would welcome your attentions? There is a chance she wouldn't. If you hadn't met her do you think you would still feel this way about your fiance? The grass isn't always greener, yes there may be an attraction between you and this other woman, but now is not the time to act on it.

Could you talk to your fiance to see how she is feeling about things without upsetting her? I have heard some suggest couples counselling, maybe this might be worth doing. Give it some time and try to avoid putting yourself in any situation with this other woman, in time your feelings will fade towards her and you could realize it is just a crush which you have as a result of commiting to one woman. I hope this rambly post helps some but to sum up I think give it some time, try to work on squashing your feelings towards this other woman, if in time you still feel the same way then you might have to think again as to whether you and your fiance are right for each other, and let her go so she can find happiness with someone else and likewise for you. If at any time you are tempted to have a trial date with the other woman, just think about how you would feel if your GF did it to you, it would be a horrible shock wouldn't it and could damage your relationship irreparably, it would be so hurtful.

I have been married for 18 years and love has it's ups and downs and isn't static - it also requires work to keep love alive - maybe your expectations are a little high that you should be crazy in love all the time, you always LOVE but it changes and evolves over time, highs and lows are normal, it is overcoming lows that matters.

Good luck.

 

[appletini]

I''m not going to say too much. But she and her mom were always talking about weddings in front of you and you hadn''t even discussed it with her, and she was only excited for a week after the engagement. I think she wants the wedding not the marriage. And maybe because y''all have been together for so long and she always talked about it, you felt it was part of the natural progression because thats what society tells you. Do you think you and your fiancee will still be happy 50 years from now? Don''t get married just to get married. Get married because you can''t stand the thought of being away from each other, because you love each other so much, that you want to see that love grow and share adventures in life together. Don''t break up with her for another women, if you are going to that its because she is not the one. Don''t immediately jump into something else.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 2/10/2006 10:57:41 AM
Author: appletini
. Do you think you and your fiancee will still be happy 50 years from now? Don''t get married just to get married. Get married because you can''t stand the thought of being away from each other, because you love each other so much, that you want to see that love grow and share adventures in life together.

Well said

 

[blodthecat]

That''s sound advice Lorelei.

You can''t be engaged to your present girl friend whilst checking out other options at the same time.

Getting married doesn''t make you blind to the opposite sex. You will still find other women attractive, and that''s perfectly normal. The problem comes when you do something about it!

You are going to have to be totally honest with yourself, and decide if this lass is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. If not, then it''s time you had a talk with your girl friend. It won''t be easy, but it''s the decent thing to do.

However, if your girl friend really is the ''one'' then you need to invest more time into the relationship.

Marriage really is a big step and a huge commitment. It''s time to be totally honest with yourself and decide what it is you really want.

I hope you don''t think I am being critical....you really have hit a folk in the road, and need to take some time to carefully think this through. And whatever you do, don''t let guilty feeling influence your decision. Mairrage is a big step, and not to be entered into lightly.

I''m sure you will work this out.

best wishes and good luck...Blod

 

[Caribou]

DON''T GO ON A TEST DATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That would be a horrible and regretful thing to do. Your FI doesn''t deserve to be hurt in that way.

You need to really concentrate on your feelings for you FI. Figure out what is going on. It could be that you just fell out of love with her, or it could be that you are just having an ''off'' moment in the relationship. I''m not married, but I imagine in any marriage or long term realtionship, there are times when you are bored or the ''spark'' of the relationship is gone. Doesn''t mean the it''s the relationship, it could just mean that you both need to spice it up.

Realize that every relationship you get into, there are quirks...everything seems great in the beginning but once those lust feelings turn in to love feelings and you start to get comforatble is the same thing going to happen?

Maybe these feelings aren''t about her but you. Do you want to get married and have a family. That''s a huge commitment for anyone. Maybe you just aren''t really ready?

You need to talk to your FI. Be honest with her, tell her what you are feeling (not about the other woman) maybe she''s feeling the same or maybe you both could go to couples counsling.

DO NOT GO OUT ON A DATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Lorelei]

Thanks Blod

Secondthoughts, I just read your post again and I could be completely wrong, but I keep picking up on you saying your GF and her Mother kept talking about weddings, rings, dresses etc and that you kept quiet as they " did enough talking about it for half of America." Do you think that it is possible that even subconsciously you feel a little resentful as if you were pushed into proposing? That you felt you had a lot of pressure on you to do so? And that this longing for this other woman is a side effect of that and a bit of rebellion? If so, maybe you could get over this by remembering that it was in the end your choice to propose and regardless of the pressure, you would have without it? If this could be the case, maybe this might help you both to get back on track. Mothers and daughters naturally get excited and dewy eyed over weddings, try to forgive them for that if you feel a bit peeved over it and try to get excited over your new life together. I am not saying this IS the situation and what you are feeling, just wondering if it could be and realizing it might help you. With your differences as people, i.e. you are a neat freak - she isn't etc, the word here is compromise. Maybe go out one night a weekend as she likes, stay in the other as you prefer. With the neatness issue try to get her involved in household chores TOGETHER without being accusatory, for example, " what would you rather do - clean the bathroom while I do the kitchen?" if she isn't used to running her own home and you are a methodical type person, show her how and encourage her, it can take time for some to get the hang of a routine inside the home as this may all be new to her. When she does a great job, tell her. Even if she isn't a naturally neat person, approaching this in the right way might get her to make the effort to please you, then having a clean and organized home could become it's own reward. I hope this doesn't sound patronizing, it isn't meant to - I just hope it might help you a bit.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 2/10/2006 10:57:41 AM
Author: appletini
I'm not going to say too much. But she and her mom were always talking about weddings in front of you and you hadn't even discussed it with her, and she was only excited for a week after the engagement. I think she wants the wedding not the marriage. And maybe because y'all have been together for so long and she always talked about it, you felt it was part of the natural progression because thats what society tells you. Do you think you and your fiancee will still be happy 50 years from now? Don't get married just to get married. Get married because you can't stand the thought of being away from each other, because you love each other so much, that you want to see that love grow and share adventures in life together. Don't break up with her for another women, if you are going to that its because she is not the one. Don't immediately jump into something else.

This is VERY well summarized, and I share appletinin's concerns.

Now is the time to really reflect on this choice, and if you really think it's the RIGHT one for you. I'll ask you similar questions I asked recently engaged woman who was having doubts. Are you really sure this is what you want, or is is just what she wants? Are you getting married right now because 'it's what I'm supposed to do next'? Are you getting married because everyone else your age is, and you fear getting left behind? Are you worried about how it will look if you change your mind? Have you dated enough to really know this is what you want? Are you getting married because this process has developed a life of its own, and you just don't know how to stop it?

It's normal, I think, for most folks to feel a twinge of reality - the "holy cow, this is FOREVER" thing and the magnitude of what that means. Having said that, I see a few things in your comments that really worry me.

*She* (and her mother) frequent spoke of marriage; not *we* frequently spoke of marriage." It sounds as though you certainly felt the crush of expectation from both GF and her mom. (When you two marry, dress will be better, etc. etc.) It presumes that is what will happen even--though *you* hadn't expressed your desire to marry. I get the feeling that you are caught in the wave of what you're "supposed" to do and haven't really thought about whether it's what you "want" to do.

You say "I've never had feelings about another girl before" and that has led you to presume she's the one. That concerns me, too. I'm not a man, so I cannot claim to know precisely what the experience is like from your side of the fence. Having said that, it seems that when a man decides to marry, it's usually full-on wholeheartedly. He KNOWS that's what he wants, and who he wants. It's typically not the lukewarm of "well, I guess I feel more for her than anyone previously"; it's usually more "THIS is it."

Another big alarm I see: "I'm a neat freak, she isn't(by a long shot), she likes to go out every weekend, I'm happy doing things at home, and a few other little things. I dismissed these quirks as every couple has their pet peeves." Every married couple has different preferences and usually divergent living habits. However, they key is "will these things cause resentment?" If they will, those may be omens of trouble.

I am a much more social creature than my husband. He's a total introvert; I'm a total extrovert. On the other hand, he needs more alone time; I don't need so much. Why does it work for us? Because I can go off and socialize while he has his alone time, so both of us have our needs fulfilled and there is no *resentment* over it. When my husband was married previously, it was a situation more similar to yours.....he is a homebody, she was a "go out dancing, clubbing party girl". The problem for them: she resented the fact that he didn't want to do that, and she continually pressured him to come along. Led to many fights, resentment from her that he wouldn't do what *she* wanted, and resentment from him that she was trying to force him to be something that's not comfortable for him.

Before you dismiss these as just differences, you need to ask yourself if these are differences that you can live with without harboring resentments. If not, you need to reconsider.

What worries me most about your story: It's extremely common for folks to second guess themselves because this is a big decision. Can you live harmoniously with someone else's quirks/differences, etc....will their laundry on the floor drive you mad after 20 years....etc. What I don't believe is common in that period of doubt is developing feelings for someone else. The normal am-I-doing-the-right-thing reflection usually has more to do with "can I be happy and live with these things", not "can I feel something more for someone else".

I guess what I'm trying to say: I think the run-of-the-mill, normal pre-wedding jitters revolved around self-doubt. Am I ready to get married? Am I equipped with the skills to make a marriage work? Am I able to put aside small differences? Your concerns don't sound like that to me. Your doubts seem to be more about her. Is she the right fit for me? Is there someone else that might be a better fit? Can I be *happy* with our differences.

I really think you need to work these out. In my humble, un-expert opinion, this isn't really about the new woman you met and no, testing someone else isn't the answer. The answer, I believe, is to seriously reflect (and maybe seek counsel) on why you're getting married to her and if she is who you really want to spend your life with. Marriage is a challenge when you have two people who are wholly committed; with lesser conditions (one or both not fully committed), the chances to succeed diminish greatly.

I wish you much luck.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

From reading your post, I felt that your feelings are possibly stemming from feelings of being pressured to propose. I would rethink your relationship with your fiancee, and the engagement, to see if you really wanted to marry her or not. I sensed a bit of resentment, in your words, towards her and her mother:

She often talked about marriage, about the ring and how big she would like it to be and what type of cut etc. Even when we would pass a bridal store her and her mother would chat about how when we got married her dress would be better than the one in the window and make plans for a wedding that didnt exist and wasn't even spoken about (by me anyway).... I just never talked about marriage because I figured her and her mother did enough talking about it for half of america.... The excitement lasted all of a week...

If you feel that you aren't ready to marry this girl and be tied down, it's best to end it as soon as possible to spare some of her feelings. Like other people have said numerous times: It's better to end an engagement, than a marriage.

I too have had feelings of lust (as I call it) towards others (one of which would really surprise you), but I NEVER act on them. Until you decide what it is that you really want, you shouldn't act on them either. I think it's normal for someone who is so taken, and unavailable, to start having thoughts of straying. Especially when the reality of marriage, and never being able to explore other people, sets in. As long as you know what to do and what NOT to do in that situation, there's nothing wrong with it. It's human nature to be attracted to more than one person, however you CHOSE to be loyal to one and that's where it can turn into a bad thing (if you don't keep the promise you made to the person you chose).

I DO NOT RECOMMEND A TEST DATE!

 

[somethingblue]

My parents are wonderful people, but ended up divorced. I asked my mom why and she said that she just assumed that once they were married he would want things to be different (he''s be more neat, want to travel more, etc.). So for me, I waited until I found someone where HE had the initiative to talk rings and with who I had a relationship that if nothing every changed I would be happy as a clam be/c I already loved him and us the way we are...

I think people get engaged be/c it seems like the "right" thing to do - you had been together X years, are living together, etc. Her family wants it, she wants it, etc. And it would be such a hassle to break-up, move out, call off the wedding, etc. I think life and relationships take on this type of inertia that just keeps it moving along even when it otherwise would not and should not. Not to say that she is not the "one" - but it''s somethings to think about... Best of luck...

 

[anchor31]

I''m not going to add anything about the cold feet issues, as I think appletini''s post pretty much sums up my opinion on them.

However, I''d like to give you my opinion about the other woman and the "test date". As blod said, being engaged doesn''t make you blind to other women, and it is perfectly normal to have crushes from time to time. In those times the best thing to do is remind yourself why you are with your fiancée, why you love her, why you want to spend the rest of your life with her and why she makes you happy; and walk away from the other woman.

And even if things down turn out with your fiancée, you will need time for yourself before you start dating again. You have been with your fiancée for 4 years and lived with her for two, and (pressured or not) you proposed to her. This relationship is definitely a serious one, and you can''t jump into something else without looking back. If you don''t find the source of the problem if your relationship fails, then your next relationship is very likely to fail for the same reason. Rebound relationships never help.

 

[pebbles]

Everyone has given really good advice so I don''t think I can add much more.

It sounds like you need a cooling off period. Maybe take a mini-vacation away from your fiance...maybe a weekend away by yourself (WITHOUT THE OTHER WOMAN) or even a couple of evenings out alone. You need to sort through your feelings. I sense a lot of resentment from your post and you even thinking about another woman almost sounds like you are looking for an excuse to break up with your current fiancee.

Think long and hard before you do anything rash. Why have you been with her the last 4 years? Can you imagine your life without her? Can you imagine yourself with her 40 years from now? Did you talk at ALL about marriage before you proposed? I have seen several friends marry because they wanted a wedding. They are all miserable - one is going through a divorce right now. It is better to have a broken engagement than harbor all that resentment, get married and wind up cheating on your wife.