He doesn''t know HOW to propose!

[aquarius_ser]

Yesterday, I was talking to my BF on the phone from work telling him I''ve been feeliing weird/down in the dumps the last couple weeks and I wanted to go to this afterwork party downtown on Weds. Our conversation after that:

Him: "AAhhhhhh, you need something to be excited about, huh?"
Me: "YES!, that would help!" Hint, Hint..
Him: "I don''t know how to do it?"
Me: "WHAT? You don''t know how to PROPOSE?"
Him: "Yes, I don''t know what you expect. Am I supposed to take you to a baseball game and pay them to put in on the screen?"
Me: "NO! You know I''m not big on attention!!"
Him: "should I just take you to dinner? I was going to get on the computer and look up some ideas"
Me: "That sounds like a good idea"
Me THINKING: "CAN YOU DO THAT TONIGHT?" and THEN "Are you kidding me? Am I supposed to tell you how to propose?

I thought you wanted to SURPRISE ME?"

So he hasn''t asked because HE CAN''T FIGURE OUT HOW TO PROPOSE?!

When I got home, I felt like saying JUST ASK ME!!!! and DO IT NOW!!!

 

[Blenheim]

A while ago, J told me that since the first things that engaged girls are asked are to see the ring and how he proposed, he felt a lot of pressure to make the proposal a story that I''d love to tell people again and again and again. He knows guys who have had extremely elaborate proposal plans, and it all sounds very impressive. The problem is, I wanted something kind of low-key, private, just the two of us. Once I mentioned that, he was able to plan accordingly.

Your boyfriend might have heard all of these incredibly elaborate proposal stories, and feel overwhelmed, thinking that he has to make a scrapbook and treasurehunt, and somehow work in fireworks and a hot air balloon ride, while you just want it to happen now. Or he might be trying to figure out exactly what you want, but doesn''t know if you want a public proposal, private proposal, romantic proposal, creative proposal, etc etc.

Easiest solution? Talk to him. There are ways to do it without planning your own proposal. For example, you can say something like "Susie''s fiance proposed by ... and it seemed just perfect for her, but I think I''d like something (a little more private, involving my family, whatever)." Or you can watch a movie that you know has your favorite proposal scene of all time, and tell him so. Or, mention a couple of times how romantic a certain location is.

Hang in there!

 

[akw94]

Sorry he''s having a hard time w/this. It is good though that he''s thinking about it and attempting to put something in the works. I agree that telling him you don''t need something big and fancy is a good idea, since he seems to be worried about that. Hopefully he will come around and soon! I think guys don''t get that it''s the sentiment that''s so important, there doesn''t have to be fireworks.
I hope it comes soon for you. You may have already posted elsewhere, but do you know that he has the ring?

 

[aquarius_ser]

Yes, I picked out the ring...
It came in on May 10, he picked it up from the jeweler on June 9 and it has been hidden somewhere in the house ever since!

 

[sumbride]

He wants to make you happy, he just doesn''t know what you want. So figure out what you want and tell him. Don''t tell him EXACTLY how to do it, but be sure to tell him what you DON''T want. That will go a long way in helping him.

My guy and I had that chat in January. He was joking around that if he took me to Outback, I''d expect a proposal because that''s what one of his friend''s did... but we''ve always kind of been in disbelief that he proposed at OUTBACK, so he was totally kidding. I said "No restaurants!" He said "really, not even a fancy place?" and I said I didn''t want it to be a public spectacle... and please don''t even think of putting the ring in food! He got that and then said "what about over wine? would that be ok?" I said "Of course!" (hence my theory about our upcoming winery tours...) It was a quick conversation but it helped both of us. I know it won''t be at a restaurant, and he knows what would have dissapointed me. You have to give him something to work with.

 

[akw94]

Date: 7/25/2006 3:15:50 PM
Author: aquarius_ser
Yes, I picked out the ring...
It came in on May 10, he picked it up from the jeweler on June 9 and it has been hidden somewhere in the house ever since!

Wow, it would be very hard for me to know that fact! I can see why your patience might be running thin. I like what Sum said about telling him what you don''t like. That can help him narrow it down. Maybe you can send him some links from PS about proposals that you liked.

 

[aquarius_ser]

good idea... I will incorporate it into our next conversation about it (which will probably be tonight).

Hmmm, I''m just trying to think what I DO want! I don''t want anything public (I will probably cry!), maybe somewhere outside, and I think wine being involved would be nice. I can''t be very specific like tell him a certain place because then I would obviously know.
1. Private (just 2 of us)
2. Wine
3. Outside?

Is that specific enough?

 

[robbie3982]

I agree with everyone. You need to give him an idea of what you like and don''t like. It sounds like he wants to make everything perfect for you and even if you give him some ideas, you can still be surprised and he doesn''t have to go by exactly what you say. He could combine ideas or maybe your ideas will give him new ones.

I can''t wait to hear your story and see your ring.

 

[ladykemma]

my hubby proposed on the sofa without a ring. then we went out together to get one.

 

[ephemery1]

Boys boys boys... always thinking their proposals have to be bigger and better than the last person''s... but whatever happened to faster?

My fiance''s cousin was proposed to last Christmas while on a trip to France with her boyfriend. They were crossing a bridge at sunset with a view of the Eiffel Tower, and just as they got to the middle, all the lights on the Tower began to glow. She turned around to say to her boyfriend "wow, look at that!" and of course he was down on one knee with the ring in hand. So THAT was the standard my guy felt he needed to live up to!!!

But personally, I wouldn''t have wanted that proposal... I just wanted something that was special to US, not typical storybook-romantic. His proposal in "our" park, where we met and live, was absolutely perfect... over a picnic of wine and my favorite pizza just as it began to rain. Then all our friends met us out for champagne at one of our favorite bars afterwards!

Aquarius, maybe just let your guy know that you''re not looking for something elaborate, just something "you". And hopefully he won''t feel any need to go overboard, and instead just focuses on what kinds of things make you happy.

 

[Allisonfaye]

Coming from the woman who had, without a doubt, the worst proposal of all time, at least be glad he is TRYING.

We went to Paris. No proposal. We went to London. No proposal. We were going to Italy. Could have gotten married there. Nope.

We went to a fancy restaurant on my birthday. Nope. He did it at home when I knew he was going to do it...and it was bad. Something like...we have a lot of fun and let''s have more fun...I have tried my hardest to block it out...

So, be patient with him so he can come up with something you will remember fondly.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

I think a lot of men do feel pressure to do it *right,* and sometimes they''re not sure what that even means or entails. It''s cute that your guy wants to do it *right,* though. Appreciate that! I appreciate it in my boy, even though I sometimes wish he wasn''t set on ONE particular proposal plan.

If we''d never talked about it, he would have planned on doing it at dinner. He didn''t know that I''d not like that since people would be looking at us after seeing him on his knee, and then I''d feel stared at by strangers while we finished our meal or waited for the check, or whatever. Had he not known, he''d have done it that way, since it seemed to be what he''s heard of the most often and thought was actually most women''s preference.

The way I bridged the conversation was by talking about places that are really special to us, and the memories we''ve shared at those places, and how pretty they were, and the like. He brought up the possibility of creating an even better memory in one of those places, and now he feels like *he* dreamed it up. I love it!

 

[bee*]

I would talk to him a bit about what you would want and not want. I know that my boyfriend would not do something in public as it is really not him and he would be quite shy so I know whatever he does it will be just the two of us although Im not sure exactly what he will do. I hope that he does it soon for you though-it must be really annoying knowing that the ring is in your house but you havent got it yet!

 

[aquarius_ser]

you girls are right! It is cute.... he probably wants to make it perfect for me. I should appreciate him putting so much thought into it! Shame on me

Sometimes I forget how truly lucky I am!
That gives me a little comfort through this waiting period, I guess.

The next time he brings up the ring or proposal, I will smoothly slide in what I don''t want and what I want. Thanks for keeping me in check!

 

[larussel03]

Date: 7/25/2006 6:06:05 PM
Author: Allisonfaye
Coming from the woman who had, without a doubt, the worst proposal of all time, at least be glad he is TRYING.


We went to Paris. No proposal. We went to London. No proposal. We were going to Italy. Could have gotten married there. Nope.


We went to a fancy restaurant on my birthday. Nope. He did it at home when I knew he was going to do it...and it was bad. Something like...we have a lot of fun and let's have more fun...I have tried my hardest to block it out...


So, be patient with him so he can come up with something you will remember fondly.

Awww, poor guy.

My fi was kinda like that, except I didnt know it was coming...he knew I'd think it was at dinner but when it didn't happen then I was kind of dissapointed, we got back to the apartment, and I walked out of the bedroom and he suprised me by proposing in front of the xmas tree in our living room! He didnt say much, (he didnt have to haha) but I loved it b/c it was so him to try hard to catch me off guard

I'd advise you to tell him that however he wants to do it will be perfect and be patient. Let him run the show on this one, even if he doesnt make a huge deal/spectacle out of it, you know what the end result will be and you will NOT be dissapointed.

Let him know that, and he will likely feel more confident.

Even if it does end up goofy--no one will ever forget it! I mean, really, you'll never forget about that friend who got engaged at Outback, right? My friends will never forget that FI proposed on Fri the 13th!! Quirks make it even more memorable!

 

[FireGoddess]

We need to remember that while we have memorized every single marriage proposal from every movie we''ve seen since puberty, men don''t pay attention to these things. My DH has seen the movie Serendipity 400 times practically, I''ve even commented multiple times on how much I loved the proposal in the movie, but he paid no attention. He''s from another country and hadn''t the slightest clue what a proposal was supposed to be like. So y''know, cut him a little slack and just point out, as you were thinking, a couple of things that you might like, but tell him he doesn''t need to freak about it.

 

[robbie3982]

Date: 7/26/2006 4:59:47 PM
Author: FireGoddess
We need to remember that while we have memorized every single marriage proposal from every movie we''ve seen since puberty, men don''t pay attention to these things. My DH has seen the movie Serendipity 400 times practically, I''ve even commented multiple times on how much I loved the proposal in the movie, but he paid no attention. He''s from another country and hadn''t the slightest clue what a proposal was supposed to be like. So y''know, cut him a little slack and just point out, as you were thinking, a couple of things that you might like, but tell him he doesn''t need to freak about it.

FireGoddess, you''re the second person in a week to mention that proposal. I''ve seen the movie and don''t remember it at all! What happened in this proposal???

 

[FireGoddess]

Kate Beckinsale gets proposed to by the guy who played Aidan in SATC. She walks in this gorgeous house in the fall, the leaves rustle in, the lights are out and there are candles lit everywhere, and a huge, freaking ginormous box wrapped in front of her. She gleefully opens the box to find another smaller one, and another...and another...and another. Finally gets to a ring box, opens it, and it''s empty. She peers around the room and he pokes his head in and says, "You have to say yes first" and smiles at her with her ring in his hands. The scene is just GORGEOUS!!

 

[robbie3982]

Awe, I vaguely remember it now...

 

[sumbride]

Date: 7/26/2006 7:27:53 PM
Author: FireGoddess
Kate Beckinsale gets proposed to by the guy who played Aidan in SATC. She walks in this gorgeous house in the fall, the leaves rustle in, the lights are out and there are candles lit everywhere, and a huge, freaking ginormous box wrapped in front of her. She gleefully opens the box to find another smaller one, and another...and another...and another. Finally gets to a ring box, opens it, and it''s empty. She peers around the room and he pokes his head in and says, ''You have to say yes first'' and smiles at her with her ring in his hands. The scene is just GORGEOUS!!

Of course, she doesn''t end up marrying him, right?


Oh, and my friend with the Outback proposal broke it off 6 months before the wedding, so it was memorable in sort of a bad way. I guess we would think differently of it had it worked out, but we''re all glad he realized she was psycho BEFORE the wedding! Small miracles...

 

[aquarius_ser]

So, last night we went downtown and hung out, had some beer, etc. We walked down to this park and sat, watching the lights, the river, & boats. He''s from out of state, so he''d never been there before.

He started saying how nice it was and how he couldn''t believe I hadn''t taken him down there before. I said "It is nice, isn''t it? Did you happen to bring anything with you?" he said, "No " I said, "I would like something like this, private and scenic, you know?"

He didn''t say much after that and we left shortly after, but hopefully some light bulbs came on up in his head.

 

[ladykemma]

ok, now I''ve connected the two threads. I blame hollywood and Television for the crazy proposal stuff. blod''s thread on simple proposals make much more sense to me . Just do it!

Was it blenhiem who recently got proposed to in a beautiful red living room over a nice breakfast?

 

[sk8rjen]

At first I think I was really hoping for an elaborate proposal, but what I eventually came to figure out was that I really wanted heartfelt words (he''s not a very wordy person). It didn''t matter where. And it took an argument between my BF and I for him to realize that too. He was about to propose out of frustration with my impatience (I''m not kidding -- on his knees in our bedroom-- well at least he was acting like it), and he says "do you really want it to be like this?!" I was actually like well, yeah...not mad or angry or frusrated, but ANYWHERE as long as he loves me and wants me to be his wife. He knows I love PS and has heard me talk about other people''s proposals and I really think he was thinking I needed something bigger. Obviously he didn''t propose in the bedrrom that day, but that was only 2 weekd before he really DID propose. At home, out front.

My front porch is my favorite place now and I wouldn''t trade my location or words he said to me for anything. I think your bf just needs to know you are more interested in being with him than anything else. If he thinks you have high expectations for the proposal, he could be going through more stress than you are right now!

jen

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 7/27/2006 10:34:33 AM
Author: sumbride
Of course, she doesn''t end up marrying him, right?

No way, he was a total freak in that movie. But that didn''t ruin the proposal.

 

[diamondfan]

Remember the Sex in the City episode where Charlotte is in tears because she has to tell her future kids that her proposal was something like her asking something about a ring or getting married and Trey says, Alrighty? And she is so upset because she wanted to a story to tell that is lovely and romantic? Maybe he IS feeling some pressure to have it be pefect. If you drop some broad hints (or even say it clearly) then he can take the ball and run from there, still keeping much of it a surprise while knowing you will be happy with his methods! Good luck!