he doesn''t want a timeline

[bubbly1126]

I''m really frustrated and annoyed right now.

I said to him: how about we''ll be engaged by the time we''re 25/26? To which he replied that he didn''t understand why there had to be a certain age in which we got engaged and that he just doesn''t get that I want there to be a timeline. I simply said that it was an age that I felt we should be ready to make a real commitment to one another. He still insisted he didn''t get it and I just got frustrated.

He doesn''t ever want to see things the way I do because his way of thinking on the matter is the right way. Basically, he''s just stubborn and wants to do it when he wants to. Which is fine... BUT I know that he is the type of person what will put it off as much as possible unless I keep on him about it. Which I find odd especially if he insists that he does want to marry me and that he''s in this for the long haul. So then why? Why do you have to make it so difficult???

I haven''t mentioned it all in the past couple months so I figured this would be a good time to bring it up but I guess not. I guess no time is good for him and I should just shut up about it and forget it.

Ugh, I''m so annoyed and frustrated right now.

[[NOTE: for those who are new and don''t know, BF and I have been together 5 years and we''re both 23.]]

 

[MissErin]

Not much in the advice section from me... I just wanted to tell you I''m sorry you''re getting frustrated.

Our boys can be a pain sometimes, but the reality is that at the end of the day, they love us and we love them.

Hope you feel better soon!!

 

[surfgirl]

I said to him: how about we''ll be engaged by the time we''re 25/26? To which he replied that he didn''t understand why there had to be a certain age in which we got engaged and that he just doesn''t get that I want there to be a timeline. I simply said that it was an age that I felt we should be ready to make a real commitment to one another. He still insisted he didn''t get it and I just got frustrated.

He doesn''t ever want to see things the way I do because his way of thinking on the matter is the right way. Basically, he''s just stubborn and wants to do it when he wants to. Which is fine... BUT I know that he is the type of person what will put it off as much as possible unless I keep on him about it. Which I find odd especially if he insists that he does want to marry me and that he''s in this for the long haul. So then why? Why do you have to make it so difficult???

You might want to re read the above paragraphs that you wrote. You''ve talked to him and he clearly isn''t willing/ready to have a timeline. You harping on it every couple of months isn''t likely to change his mind, just annoy him.

You say he never sees things your way, and he thinks his way of thinking is always the right way. Meaning your way is alway wrong if you disagree with him. You also say that he is stubborn and he procrastinates on things unless you pester him about it. So, let me ask you, do those sound like the qualities that make up a good husband and a good, successful marriage? Think about it. And no "but I really really lurve him so much OMG!" answers! Seriously, think about what YOU wrote about your bf. Why would you want to marry someone who think you''re always wrong and he''s always right? Procrastination is also not a great trait in a spouse. Suppose he insists on paying the bills because he''s the man and it''s his way or no way. BUT...he''s a procrastinator and he always pays the bills late. And you wind up with bad credit. I''m just painting a likely scenario based on what you''ve told us. That doesn''t sound like great partner material to me...

 

[bubbly1126]

Oops, I guess I should have said he never wants to see things my way when it comes to a proposal. Everything else in our relationship, we can always seem to come to some sort of agreement on. It''s just this one thing that he doesn''t seem to want any input from me on. Which I guess is okay because not every couple sets timelines or anything like that, a lot of the couples we know just go with the flow. So perhaps that''s where his thinking is coming from? That there shouldn''t be any timeline on it and that it should just happen when he feels it should happen.

He is a procrastinator but not when it comes to money situations. He is VERY responsible in that area. It''s just he can be hard headed... especially when it comes to getting engaged.

Hopefully that clears that up for you. I''m not saying he''s this perfect guy but I would not think that just because he''s procrastinating on this one thing that means he''ll be a bad husband. You know what I mean?

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 1/12/2008 10:29:19 PM
Author: bubbly1126

That there shouldn''t be any timeline on it and that it should just happen when he feels it should happen.

It should happen when you both are in a emotionally and financially stable place and ready to commit to one another, not when he feels it should or you feel it should, but when you as a couple are in a position to move forward. Your idea about that may be very different than his, which is why this should be a continuous conversation, not a waiting game.

Timelines make sense to me when a couple is set (meaning steady jobs, a plan and the ability to pay bills, and have had many in depth discussions about their needs, wants and desires for the future, etc. Not necessarily a fortune in the bank, although it would be nice, wouldn''t it?

) and have been together long enough to know one another (my rule of thumb would be at least 1 year, but obviously there are lots of variables involved). When both partners are in a good place in their lives and one is ready to move forward and the other is not, I think it''s time to start discussing timeframes. It''s a good way for the person who''s ready to say "I want to get married, I know you aren''t there yet, and I respect that, but I need to know that we''re headed in that direction. I want to revisit this in (3 months, 6 months, whatever amount of time is reasonable and won''t cause resentment on either side) and if you still aren''t ready then we may need to rethink our relationship."

Neither of you should be in control of this, it should be a mutual decision based on a lot of things (see my ramblings above).

 

[Kaleigh]

It''s something that you both should see eye to eye on. Be on a level field, seems like you are allowing him to hold the cards. Remember you have your own hand.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 1/12/2008 10:50:12 PM
Author: Kaleigh
It''s something that you both should see eye to eye on. Be on a level field, seems like you are allowing him to hold the cards. Remember you have your own hand.

Ditto!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 1/12/2008 10:50:12 PM
Author: Kaleigh
It''s something that you both should see eye to eye on. Be on a level field, seems like you are allowing him to hold the cards. Remember you have your own hand.

Thritto!!

If you want to be engaged by the time you''re 25/26, then that is your personal decision. If he''s not on the same page, there''s no need to put your own life on hold. You have no control over when/if he will propose, you only have control over your own life--I realize you''re still young at 23, but after being together for 5 years a timeline is very feasible.

Is he anywhere close to being ready now? No. If you''re willing to give him another year or two, that''s fine, but don''t lose focus of your own timeline.

 

[NYCsparkle]

It doesn''t sound like he''s ready to have a timeline. You are both so young and have yet to explore the world on your own 2 feet. i''m not saying it won''t happen, but if its meant to be it will and maybe he has his own "timeline" and he feels rushed by yours. an engagement isn''t about the status of fiance or time you''ve spent together in your relationship, but its about making a LIFETIME commitment that 2 people are ready for at the same time in your lives. he might need more time. try talking to him about the future and where he sees himself in 5 years....you may get a better perception of where he wants to be by then without the timeline stress. good luck...communication is the key to a great relationship.

 

[sunnyd]

Have you thought about why you want a timeline? What does it mean to you? I don''t think 23 is too young to want to be engaged, especially after 5 years together. Maybe you should express those reasons to your BF. It''s your life, too, and it doesn''t seem like he understands that, if he wants to be in control of everything future related.

 

[surfgirl]

sunnyd, you cant force someone to be ready for marriage. Period. It doesn''t mean he''s being controlling or anything else, other than being honest with himself and his gf. And while it IS her life too, if it bothers her that much, then she should be ready to walk if he''s not going where she wants to go. That said, there''s a reason they say "patience is a virtue".

 

[diamondringlover]

Coming from experience, men take alot longer to "grow up" then women...it sounds like he is just not ready to make the final commitment, you both are young and have been together a long time, give him time to "grow up" and make a true decision, when the time is right, you and he will know and then go from there...just be patient with him.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 1/13/2008 2:19:19 PM
Author: surfgirl
sunnyd, you cant force someone to be ready for marriage. Period. It doesn''t mean he''s being controlling or anything else, other than being honest with himself and his gf. And while it IS her life too, if it bothers her that much, then she should be ready to walk if he''s not going where she wants to go. That said, there''s a reason they say ''patience is a virtue''.

Patience? What is this word you speak of?

I know you can''t force someone to be ready, it''s a HUGE thing. But if bubbly is ready and he has no idea when he will be, how much can you not talk about it before you drive yourself insane?

 

[musey]

Date: 1/12/2008 10:42:38 PM
Author: KimberlyH

Date: 1/12/2008 10:29:19 PM
Author: bubbly1126

That there shouldn't be any timeline on it and that it should just happen when he feels it should happen.

It should happen when you both are in a emotionally and financially stable place and ready to commit to one another, not when he feels it should or you feel it should, but when you as a couple are in a position to move forward. Your idea about that may be very different than his, which is why this should be a continuous conversation, not a waiting game.

Ditto this (and the rest of what Kim said). She is a wise lady.

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 1/13/2008 2:27:43 PM
Author: sunnyd

Date: 1/13/2008 2:19:19 PM

Author: surfgirl

sunnyd, you cant force someone to be ready for marriage. Period. It doesn''t mean he''s being controlling or anything else, other than being honest with himself and his gf. And while it IS her life too, if it bothers her that much, then she should be ready to walk if he''s not going where she wants to go. That said, there''s a reason they say ''patience is a virtue''.

Patience? What is this word you speak of?

I know you can''t force someone to be ready, it''s a HUGE thing. But if bubbly is ready and he has no idea when he will be, how much can you not talk about it before you drive yourself insane?

Yes but that''s where one has to make the decision to either respect the other person not being ready and be happy just being with them. And I mean REALLY being happy just being with them, not pretending to, while all the while stressing out on the side to friends and online forums, OR, being strong enough to leave, and find someone who has the same time line as they do.

 

[bubbly1126]

I appreciate everyones input so much! Thank you!

I have since talked with him. He basically said he just didn''t understand why we had to put a time frame or time limit or a specific age into effect when it comes to getting engaged. He also said he didn''t want to say a specific time or age because he wouldn''t want to let me down if that time/age came and went with no proposal. He said it should happen at a point in our lives when it just "feels right." He said while he does want to marry me he just doesn''t feel this is the right time and won''t know when the right time is until it''s here.

Makes sense. I just get frustrated when he doesn''t explain to me what he means. He''ll just question me on why I feel the way I do without explaining his take on things, which frustrates me to no end.

But thanks again ladies!

 

[chocolatefudge]

Bubbly I know how you feel. My boyfriend has told me that we will get engaged this year BUT it has taken him a while! We''ve been together for almost 7 years and for the past 3/4 years he''s kept saying that he''s not ready to get engaged. When I tried to pinpoint an age for when we should be engaged he used to get annoyed and say, "What''s age got to do with it? Why do we have to be a certain age?" I do sort of know what he was saying, he was thinking more about how he felt than how old we are, but it did get frustrating when I was soooooo ready.

Chin up Bubbly x x x

 

[surfgirl]

So bubbly, now that you know he doesn''t always explain his side of things, please, for your future mental sanity!

, always ask him to explain why he thinks/feels what he does...This is a great opportunity to improve the ol communication technique! I''m glad you talked to him...

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 1/12/2008 7:54:59 PM
Author:bubbly1126
I''m really frustrated and annoyed right now.


He doesn''t ever want to see things the way I do because his way of thinking on the matter is the right way. Basically, he''s just stubborn and wants to do it when he wants to. Which is fine... BUT I know that he is the type of person what will put it off as much as possible unless I keep on him about it. Which I find odd especially if he insists that he does want to marry me and that he''s in this for the long haul. So then why? Why do you have to make it so difficult???

I haven''t mentioned it all in the past couple months so I figured this would be a good time to bring it up but I guess not. I guess no time is good for him and I should just shut up about it and forget it.

You''re a lot younger than I am (I''ll be 40 this year), but I also agree -- 5 years is long enough. Especially if you want to have kids. I''ve posted previously about a close friend of mine who wanted children but waited and waited....and waited....until it was too late. The only reason I can see for waiting if you''re 23 and have been together 5 years is stability. If you both have completed your educations and/or have good jobs or jobs that have the potential to get you into that position, are financially stable and both are compatible in every other way, then as I said, 5 years is long enough.

Re: "Why make it so difficult" - I''ve struggled with this with my boyfriend of 2 years, and I really can understand your frustration. I am a planner. I like to have a direction for everything important that I do in my life. "Flying by the seat of my pants" and/or "waiting to see" makes me antsy and makes me feel like I have no control. I''m not a control freak by any means - planning works much better than waiting around for things to "happen"....I can give you lots of examples of that. And if something is not good for the long haul....a job, an apartment, people that influence my life, men.....I don''t keep it in my life. If something is not good and you''ve honestly tried to make it work/deal/fix and it''s still not good, the best thing to do is move on. My relationship with my boyfriend is not without its issues but is on the whole good, which is why I am still in it.

I''d tried to discuss marriage and even moving in with my boyfriend, and part of my problem is that he is a veteran of the 20 Year Marriage From Hell. Because he and his ex have teenagers, he is forced to deal with her on a regular basis, and it is not pretty. Any time he has to have a conversation with her, you can watch his blood pressure climb. Also, he''s had a lot of things crop up in his life that affect our relationship but that are not "my" problem or caused by me. Things like a child with psychological problems, a terminally ill mother, issues with his band, the usual problems with running your own business, etc. So I am well aware that he''s got his plate full. Because his ex was so demanding and childish, he is sensitive to anything he perceives as being pushy/demanding. So I have to be very careful how I broach the issue of marriage/moving forward. And since his mother had been ill, the past several months have NOT been a good time for any discussion like that. She unfortunately passed away last Wednesday - we are having her services this coming weekend. Prior to that happening, we had plans to go away on a 4 day vacation for his birthday, and I was going to bring the subject up again (in a tactful way and when the mood was light and easy)....but we had to cancel the vacation and will be going in March instead.

The last time we had this conversation was over the summer, and he bristled at it. I let it drop. A few days after that, I apologized for upsetting him and said something to the effect of, "I realize that you carry a lot of baggage. However, you started dating me with the understanding that I am looking to settle down eventually. I don''t need an answer now, but I do want you to think about it. If I am not the person you think you can commit to in 2 or 2-1/2 years, then do me the courtesy of saying so." He knows that the 2-1/2 year "mark" will be in June of this year. He also knows that I am prepared to walk - as painful/sucky as that would be - if he is still on the fence. The subject came up again when I said something that he perceived as being a "poop or get off the pot" statement. It had nothing to do with marriage or moving forward -- I don''t even remember what I said specifically but do know that it had nothing to do with either! I told him that a) he misinterpreted it and b) I am in no hurry to get married, per se, but he knows my timeline and that''s all I was saying about that.

You''ll feel better if you give yourself a timeline, let him know what it is and stick to it. Like I did - I don''t feel as frustrated or out of the loop since I did that. He knows the timeline and it''s his choice as to what he wants to do with it. Just be 100% sure, if you do this, that you are prepared to walk if he waffles on it. I don''t want to sound hard-edged and I am not saying that he will waffle on you. But you already identified that he will put it off as much as possible if allowed, and I don''t want you to end up being one of those women that we all know --- dating for years and years and years with the engagement carrot dangling just in sight but out of reach.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Date: 1/13/2008 4:07:34 PM
Author: bubbly1126

He basically said he just didn''t understand why we had to put a time frame or time limit or a specific age into effect when it comes to getting engaged. He also said he didn''t want to say a specific time or age because he wouldn''t want to let me down if that time/age came and went with no proposal. He said it should happen at a point in our lives when it just ''feels right.'' He said while he does want to marry me he just doesn''t feel this is the right time and won''t know when the right time is until it''s here.

I think it is admirable that he was honest with you that he''s not ready to solidify a timeline yet. It shows there is a lot of trust in your relationship.

I know you are excited for it to happen but imagine how let down you would be if he said 6 months and a proposal never came. I am sure your SO is trying to get all his ducks in line before proposing. Some guys just don''t like timelines period. Some just want to be able to plan the proposal or and surprise you.

I think it sounds like he knows there are things that he needs to take care of before a proposal can happen. I know you have been together for 5 years but you aren''t on the cusp of getting gray hairs yet (

) so give him some wiggle room. If you get to a point where you really feel that postponing your engagement is going to inhibit your dreams, then sit and tell him where you are coming from. I''ve learned that the more reasonable and level headed my discussions about marriage with my SO are, the more responsive he is. I''ve also realized that the less I hint about it, the more he seems to bring it up.

 

[jng2b]

Hi there! I am new to posting but have been reading this forum for a long time. I am currently engaged to my wonderful FI, but at one point in the past, I was engaged to a guy and then called it off. So I''ve gone through a lot of what is discussed on the boards! Anyway, I just wanted to say that a 23 year old guy is REALLY young. Guys take a lot longer than girls to really mature. So I think you have two options. If you really want to spend the rest of your life with this guy, you need to be prepared to wait several more years for him to mature and become ready for marriage. And this means (as another poster mentioned) that you aren''t talking about getting engaged, or looking at rings, or trying to plan a wedding. You need to accept his timeline, and be okay with the fact that you might not be getting married until you are in your late twenties. OR - if settling down and getting married is more important, you need to find someone who feels the same way. This probably would involve dating around until you meet a mature, most-likely slightly older guy that is also ready to settle down. Your boyfriend simply isn''t ready. These are your only options - your boyfriend is not magically going to become ready just by talking about it repeatedly. Of course, you are not bound by his schedule, but you need to be willing to make the choice to leave him if you just can''t wait that long.

I do agree that 5 years is plenty of time to judge whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, when you are slightly older and already established in life. However, the years between 18-23 are so different - people change so much - so 5 years in this case does not seem like that much time to me.

Good luck with everything!

 

[jng2b]

Also, I wanted to say that maybe, at this point in his life, he can''t imagine getting engaged at 25/26. To a 23 year old boy, that could be scary! He is not ready at all, which means he isn''t even ready to commit to a timeline. However, if you are willing and ready to wait it out with him, perhaps in a couple years he will have a better idea of his future and he will be more willing to talk about a timeline at that point in time. It isn''t very practical to set a timeline with such an arbitrary deadline, just so you have a timeline. Unless both parties are sure about getting married, a timeline is worthless. Even if, right now, he agreed to getting engaged at 25/26, it doesn''t mean that he''s going to hit that age and all of a sudden be ready to get married.

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 1/14/2008 12:03:26 PM
Author: Keepingthefaith21

I've also realized that the less I hint about it, the more he seems to bring it up.

Mine actually comes out and HINTS all the time with this statement. When we had a discussion last summer sort-of about this that got really defensive on his part, he ended the conversation by saying, "Want a big clue about me? The less you hint about something, the more likely you are to get it." If I didn't know his history of being previously married to a b*tch, I'd have called him a [beep beep], because that comes off as nasty. I had the opportunity to talk with his best friend (who has been his best friend since he was 11 - which is 35 years!) out of his earshot not too long ago, and I have a very clear picture of what he lived with when he was married and why he reacts the way he does sometimes. I learned in great detail from his friend that his ex-wife was relentless when it came to demanding a proposal. And she started demanding after just a couple months!! Friends of his begged him to get away from her as soon as he could....but being young and being blinded by a pretty face (his ex looked like a Nordic model when she was young), he didn't listen. Note to everyone: A man's friends can be INVALUABLE if you are wondering why he does what he does.

Our "discussion" started off because my apartment lease was coming up. I could renew for a year...or for $100 more per month, renew on a month-to-month basis and have the freedom to move whenever I wanted. All I wanted to find out was where his brain was about moving to the next stage. We'd been dating a little over a year at that point, we're both over 35, and I didn't think it was a premature question. He'd dropped some heavy hints about maybe thinking of moving in together, because we get along so well and spend most of our free time together, anyway. I didn't want to sign a lease for a year, only to have him ask me to move in/get engaged after a couple of months (which would make me legally liable to pay off the balance of the lease - or wait another year). But, I didn't want to get a month-to-month and end up paying $1200 more after a year for no good reason. Somehow, he interpreted my question as "being pushy." Which I understand due to his 20 years with his ex. But in reality, I was asking more for economic reasons and not because I was antsy for marriage.

So, I backed off. I signed my lease for a year. It comes up again in May. I will sign the lease in May for a month to month until June. He already knows that my timeline for a proposal is 2-1/2 years, and that will be in June. If it happens that June comes and goes, I'll sign the lease for another year, if I haven't found a house/condo to buy, and unfortunately, it will be without him.

Now that 2 years have gone by, I AM antsy....but have stopped asking. We've had some "what do you think?" discussions surrounding marriage and moving in, but nothing specific. We mostly talk about general things - like expectations of marriage, what we want from our lives in the future, etc. A couple of months ago, I bought myself a cocktail ring that people have asked (in his presence) if it's an engagement ring. I always answer, "No. It's just something pretty I liked and bought." And I don't respond in a way that makes the questioner keep going (I basically blow it off). So, he's not put on the spot. He is more receptive and more open to the discussion when he doesn't sense pressure or feel threatened. If I get antsy, I either post here or call a girlfriend but DO NOT mention anything to him.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[MissErin]

Date: 1/14/2008 12:03:26 PM
Author: Keepingthefaith21

I think it is admirable that he was honest with you that he''s not ready to solidify a timeline yet. It shows there is a lot of trust in your relationship.

I know you are excited for it to happen but imagine how let down you would be if he said 6 months and a proposal never came. I am sure your SO is trying to get all his ducks in line before proposing. Some guys just don''t like timelines period. Some just want to be able to plan the proposal or and surprise you.

I think it sounds like he knows there are things that he needs to take care of before a proposal can happen. I know you have been together for 5 years but you aren''t on the cusp of getting gray hairs yet (

) so give him some wiggle room. If you get to a point where you really feel that postponing your engagement is going to inhibit your dreams, then sit and tell him where you are coming from. I''ve learned that the more reasonable and level headed my discussions about marriage with my SO are, the more responsive he is. I''ve also realized that the less I hint about it, the more he seems to bring it up.

This is the truest statement out there!! Thank you KeepingTheFaith for writing this. It''s something that I agree with MOST!!

 

[bubbly1126]

All of you are right in some way and I just want to thank you for your advice.

I know he is trying to get his "ducks in a row" but I guess I''m just impatient. No wait- I don''t guess- I KNOW I am impatient. Haha!

I have a tendency just to go with my heart and not take anything else into consideration. I truly want to spend my life with this guy. More than anything, that is what I want. And I know that I have to back off the whole engagement thing because nagging him won''t do me any good. The last thing I want is for him to feel forced to propose to me. When it happens, I want it to be because he is ready and wants to.

We are only 23, as some of you have said, and waiting another year or two to discuss marriage really isn''t a bad idea. That''s why I''ve decided not to bring it up at all for at least one year. At the end of the year, I''ll assess where we are in our relationship/careers/finances and go from there. If we''re still in the same position then I''ll wait another. Definitely by the end of the next two years we should have everything in order. And hopefully by then he''ll be ready to have a serious conversation with me about it or maybe even, propose on his own?! We''ll see when that time comes!

I''m sure I''ll have a couple more rants in that time frame so I''ll definitely be around and counting on you ladies to talk me down! Hehe.

Again, thank you all so much for your input! It means more than you know!

 

[tberube]

You're certainly not alone, sweetheart. I say 75% of men are just like your guy - not in any rush to spend thousands of dollars on something so small and NOT for him, nor in a rush to commit their exciting, women-filled (right) lives away to one person. The other 25% can't wait to get married to the first woman who shows interest because they're totally insecure. Women don't have it easy when it comes to the engagement thing.

Good luck getting sufficiently through to him - it'll happen eventually.

ETA: I think, and this is how I explained it to FI before, that the reason women stress and get frustrated over this timeline thing is because now that you're an adult who has gone through college, jobs, apartments, etc., you have taken control of every part of your life, and made things happen for yourself. Now you're in a position that forces you to sit and wait and allow someone ELSE to control your future, i.e. when marriage will happen, therefore when planning a family, house, etc. can happen. Once I was able to verbalize that to FI, he got the picture and we argued much less about the whole engagement thing.

 

[mjso]

I think you''ve gotten plenty of great advice in this thread so far. I just wanted to add, I was once in the same boat that you are in. My FI and I were together for almost 7 years before we got engaged (this xmas - I am 25, he''s 2. For awhile I honestly didn''t think it would ever come. In my situation, my FI is 2.75 years older than me, but it still took him a lot longer to "grow up"...and in some ways I don''t know if he''ll ever be offically grown up. But he was very adamant that he didn''t want to get married until he felt he was ready to start a family. While I saw marriage as just another step in our relationship (i.e.- committing to be together forever) he saw it as starting our own family.

Because you are both still young (and if you maybe just finished college) he might not feel financially stable enough for marriage. Sure, taking care of 1 person is easy enough, but for a lot of guys they see marriage as having to be able to take care of their wife and also the possiblity of bringing children into the picture.

When I was around 23/24 I really started getting on the timeline of my life track where I thought "I need to be married by x age and have a kid by y age, etc". Then I kind of forgot about it because I realized that my stressing over it wasn''t going to get him to be ready any faster. Then out of the blue I got a ring!

 

[Patchee]

See I don't know here ... Then again this post is from Psychobabble Patchee (I've been on my own rants here before)

I heard too young, wait till your both finanically stable - or these at least tend to be great reasons on why he/they is/do not proposing/propose ... but take that one in a million young guy with no money but enough to get his girl a tiny diamond or fashion stone and he'll happily get down on one knee and propose because he loves her and she him. Basically that hoopla is all crap to me, always has been.

But... people are different and it's different reasons of why they propose and why they don't.

I think 5 years is long enough.
He was honest with you in his intentions but why the struggle to get him to talk that point to you?

He sounds alot like my FI (which just happened this Christmas) where you can talk about it till your blue in the face, to where your fed up and just about ready to give him up, to the point where you think he just does not love you enough to take that step, to spend thousands on a rock for you when he'd rather shop for the best deal on a T.V. to watch his football! BUT bottom line here is that he will ask you when HE wants too. Men are funny like this and they are not persuaded easily on any account. I learned this kicking and screaming all the way... not to him but here and secretly to myself.

We (ladies) are just as odd as the men we love... one minute we are fustrated by them, the next we are FI's and they can do no wrong.

A while ago when me Psychobabble Patchee was down in the dumpsters Meep said this to me and to this day I respect what she said.

It is not worth second guessing your self if you like what you have. There is no point in causing a rift and destroying something which may work out to be actually exactly what you want down the line. You may re-evaluate your ideas and the issues which are pertinent now to you, but may not be in years to come... what's important is the person you are with. Close your eyes and think about him, is he what you want now? If the answer is yes then nothing else (ring, engagement) matters.

 

[allycat0303]

bubbly, I understand that you are frustrated, but I think your guy might be feeling a little bit pressured! I think 5 years is a long time, but at the same time, when I was 25 I was personally NOT ready for engagement. My guy was, but I wasn''t, and talking about etc., conversations would have made me REALLY annoyed. I honestly wasn''t comfortable with the situation because I wasn''t where I wanted to be. At 25, we had already been together 10 years, and most of it had nothing to do with him, but with me, and where I was.

My guy was really supportive, and provided me with as much of a stress-free, no pressure environement to make up my mind. However, if it is really important to you to have a timeline (i.e it''s a personal dealbreaker with you) then I think you should let him know this is where you stand, and what the consequences are.

Good luck!