he doesnt want to get married

[radiantquest]

ok ladies i feel i need to vent a little and i need your opinions...(prepare its kinda long)
he has never wanted to get married. he was with his kids mother for 11 years and never got married. he said to me that he thinks they ruin relationships and that most end in divorce. i know this sounds really really bad. he just doesnt see the point. he has a whole arsenal of reasons why it is a bad idea.
i, on the otherhand want to get married and think it is the next logical step. we have been together for 4 years and are cohabitating. i think that it makes me feel safer knowing he will be with me when im old or when possible kid breaks his/her arm.
we love each other alot and a year ago he brought up the ring talk. he let it all fizzle out a bit and then i brought it up about 3 months ago. we currently are paying on a ring and have a date set to be married, but he just isnt into it. i asked if he was ready and he said that he never will be and that he is marrying me because it is important to me. this sucks in so many ways. i picked out my own ring, he is paying for it, but i feel like it is all me. i have to pick it up myself. he said that he wont "propose" because he knows that i will wear it the whole way home anyway and that asking is silly since he knows the answer. i am back and forth and dont know how to feel. should i feel badly because he is going to marry me with a lack of enthusiasm or should i feel good that he is going to marry me because he loves me that much. this may be repetitive but i got to get it out. needless to say he isnt into the planning and looking at wedding/marriange paraphenalia (spelling error?)please post your opinons. you guys are the only ones that i think might understand.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 9/2/2008 7:07:38 PM
Author:radiantquest
ok ladies i feel i need to vent a little and i need your opinions...(prepare its kinda long)
he has never wanted to get married. he was with his kids mother for 11 years and never got married. he said to me that he thinks they ruin relationships and that most end in divorce. i know this sounds really really bad. he just doesnt see the point. he has a whole arsenal of reasons why it is a bad idea.
i, on the otherhand want to get married and think it is the next logical step. we have been together for 4 years and are cohabitating. i think that it makes me feel safer knowing he will be with me when im old or when possible kid breaks his/her arm.
we love each other alot and a year ago he brought up the ring talk. he let it all fizzle out a bit and then i brought it up about 3 months ago. we currently are paying on a ring and have a date set to be married, but he just isnt into it. i asked if he was ready and he said that he never will be and that he is marrying me because it is important to me. this sucks in so many ways. i picked out my own ring, he is paying for it, but i feel like it is all me. i have to pick it up myself. he said that he wont ''propose'' because he knows that i will wear it the whole way home anyway and that asking is silly since he knows the answer. i am back and forth and dont know how to feel. should i feel badly because he is going to marry me with a lack of enthusiasm or should i feel good that he is going to marry me because he loves me that much. this may be repetitive but i got to get it out. needless to say he isnt into the planning and looking at wedding/marriange paraphenalia (spelling error?)please post your opinons. you guys are the only ones that i think might understand.

Well.....I think the highlighted part says it all. He doesn''t want to get married, so why are you still with him? It feels like it''s all you because it is. I''m sorry, but I''d be packing up and going my own way. If you want to get married wouldn''t you want to be with someone who wants to be married too?

 

[radiantquest]

because i love him and cannot imaging life without him.

 

[JulieN]

Either accept that he doesn't want to marry or that he's marrying you to make you happy! I don't understand. Either you have to do something to make him happy (not get married) or he has to do something to make you happy, which he is doing. You don't have to be the one to give up or compromise your beliefs. I would give him a big hug and smile.

 

[trillionaire]

It sounds like you two have some more talking to do. If a proposal is important to you, you should let him know that. It would be unfair to hold it against him if you don''t. You should also talk to him to find out if marriage for him is a "way to keep you around", or a "I can''t imagine my life without you" thing. As someone who is very anti-wedding, would he be more happy with a small wedding, or elopement? A destination wedding? Something that didn''t "feel" like a wedding, like a backyard bbq or fish fry? With love, there is alway room for compromise and common ground. It think that you two just need to talk it out a bit more. If you don''t want to pick up the ring, just tell him why. Relationships are about willingness to put the other person first. If he can''t or is unwilling to do that, then that is probably not a relationship worth keeping.

Good luck!

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 9/2/2008 7:30:29 PM
Author: radiantquest
because i love him and cannot imaging life without him.

You don''t have to cut him completely out of your life! Why not accept that fact that he does not want to get married and just be friends with him? Coercing (sp?) him into marriage isn''t the right thing to do, and I''m sure you know that.

 

[vita*dolce]

i agree with trillionaire!! i think you really need to talk to him about it and try to find a compromise! i also agree that you feel like it''s all you because it is all you, and that coercing him into marriage is not the right thing to do! if he says he doesn''t want to get married and that he''s only doing it because you want him to, then you shouldn''t be getting married!!!

please trust me when i tell you that this is a BAD idea!! if you can''t live without him, you don''t have to. but don''t make him marry you, you should both be entering into this union happily and willingly!! you should want to marry each other!! if you don''t, how could it ever work out??

 

[honey22]

I have to be honest and say don''t do it. He doesn''t want to get married, don''t force him to get married. He may end up resenting you in the end, and do you really want to stand up in front of your friends and family on your wedding day, knowing you pushed him to get married, and him saying his vows to you when he doesn''t want to say them. I couldn''t live with myself and I wouldn''t be forcing the man I love to put himself in that position.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

two words: couples counseling

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Marriage is not something to do for someone else because they want it and it will make them happy. In order for a marriage to be successful, both parties need to want it and respect it. Love isn't enough to sustain a marriage. If he's really as "anti-marriage" as he seems, then even if you end up getting him to marry you, the chances of it lasting really can't be good. You deserve a man who can't wait to marry you and be your husband and spend his life being committed to you. In my opinion, no woman should marry a man who is only marrying her to make her happy.

If marriage is really something that he doesn't want, and it's really something that you want, then I suggest moving on and finding someone who shares the same ideals of marriage as you do. Good luck sweetie!

 

[FairieMoon]

I feel like your story is how my life will be years from now.
My guy said when we first met that he never wanted to get married as he did not see a point to it. He said it was just a piece of paper that ruins things.
At that point, I did not want to marry again cause I had already been married once. And was a bit jaded.
But as time went on and we spent more time together, both of us were singing a different tune.

However, I picked out my own ring, Picked it up. did not get a proposal as I did wear it home and he said that he had never proposed so he had no idea how to do it. He does not want much of a wedding, just a large reception and honeymoon.

I am of the belief you can not change how someone thinks and in the end, even if they do it to make you happy, resentment does tend to come along. And that leads to a whole separate set of problems.

Its not going to be an easy choice but I would think long and hard before walking down the aisle. Good luck.

 

[Hera]

The thing that I would be asking myself if I were you is if you think he can honor and respect marriage. Once you''re married, will he make a marriage a self fulfilling prophecy and ruin the relationship?

It sounds like you won''t get a dream proposal and help with wedding planning but that''s not the important part of getting married. Ultimately, it''s about the commitment you will be making to each other. If you think he can give that to you, I don''t think your relationship is necessarily doomed.

 

[Haven]

You want different things. You need to have a frank, open discussion with him about what you both want, and why you are entering into a marriage.

You also need to be honest with yourself. You can''t imagine living without him, but you want a marriage. If he does not want to marry, then perhaps you can''t have everything you want with him. And as hard as it is to see right now, you CAN live without him. The air will still be the same, you will still be able to breathe, and you will find someone who wants what you want, and who makes you even happier because he wants to marry you.

Trust me--it is important for him to want to marry you. Shortly after our marriage, my husband went out with my father to thank him for the best day of his life. My husband is a man of few words, especially emotional ones, and knowing that he said that to my dad is an incredible feeling. (My father called me afterward to tell me about it, he was nearly in tears. It was adorable.)

 

[bee*]

Date: 9/2/2008 7:32:02 PM
Author: JulieN
Either accept that he doesn''t want to marry or that he''s marrying you to make you happy! I don''t understand. Either you have to do something to make him happy (not get married) or he has to do something to make you happy, which he is doing. You don''t have to be the one to give up or compromise your beliefs. I would give him a big hug and smile.

ditto. Read some of Pandora''s posts-she has posted that originally her DH hadn''t wanted to get married, but knew how much she did and they are now married. He got really into the wedding planning and their wedding looked spectacular. I think that a compromise has to be made and if you want to get married more than he doesn''t then that''s the compromise to be made here. You will just have to accept that he is doing it to make you happy though.

 

[Bia]

Date: 9/2/2008 8:09:18 PM
Author: DivaDiamond007

Date: 9/2/2008 7:30:29 PM

Author: radiantquest

because i love him and cannot imaging life without him.

You don''t have to cut him completely out of your life! Why not accept that fact that he does not want to get married and just be friends with him?

That is not realistic. She loves the guy...

 

[Dannielle]

I think that you need to ask yourself a few questions;

Are you prepared to marry him when you know that he doesn''t want to get married? If not, Are you prepared to stay when your needs aren''t being fufilled?
and if your answer no again, Are you prepared to leave?

Personally, what I would take from this is that he is willing to marry you, he is making the compromise.. a compromise he wouldn''t make with the mother of his children. He obviously loves you very much and wants you to be happy.. and I think that is what you should really look at

Good luck.. and I hope everything works out for you

 

[Pandora II]

Hold in there.

DH told me he did not believe in marriage and never wanted to get married and that if he did he'd have asked me three months after we met.

I was pretty devastated. I didn't want to force him, I didn't want to leave him - I mean why would you leave a perfect relationship just because he didn't want a legal contract?

I spent a LONG time thinking things through, and realized that yes, I could just live with him on a permanent basis, BUT I wouldn’t be happy having children outside marriage, I hated constantly defending my relationship to people who told me ‘he’s just not that into you’ and ultimately I would be resentful and that would eat away at me and the relationship.

Everytime a friend got engaged I felt sad – not because it wasn’t me yet, but because it might not be me EVER.

In the end I told him that marriage was a non-negotiable for me and that he needed to decide – and please since I was 34 could he not leave it too long.

6 months later I was engaged. My first words when he asked were not YES, but ‘OMG have I bullied you into this?’

He said he was marrying me because I cared more about being married than he cared about not being married, that he didn’t want to risk losing me and that it broke his heart to see my face when friends got engaged and I tried to hide my feelings.

He got reasonably involved in the wedding planning – especially my dress and the SIX DAY stag party in Eastern Europe!

The two things that made me happiest of all were:

- him tearing up and telling me during our first dance how incredibly happy he was that we had got married.

- him telling me the next day that he now understood what marriage meant as he now felt we were a family and not just two people dating and that please could we have a baby as soon as possible.

I felt uncomfortable about having ‘forced’ him into it right up to when he said those things and honestly they were the best wedding present anyone gave me.

ETA: People above have commented on how a marriage won't work if both people aren't equally on board. I disagree - DH married me because because our relationship is SO good that he could put his fears and memories of his parent's hideous divorce aside. In any relationship compromise plays a HUGE role - value his compromise for you and be happy about it!

With any luck he'll turn to you on your wedding day and tell you how happy he is to be there and be married to you.

(I found the book 'Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others' very, very helpful)

 

[fieryred33143]

He doesn’t want to get married. He told you that before. He’s telling you that now.

The only “problem” here is that you aren’t listening.

Marriage isn’t for everyone and it certainly is not the only way that two people can show love and commitment. He can love you and be completely committed to you without the piece of paper.

However, if that paper is important to you and you really want it then it’s time to listen to what he is telling you and make a decision based on that.

ETA: I think there's a difference between Pandora's situation and this situation. Once they started talking marriage, he got into the planning. Radiant's guy isn't getting into it. She's doing all the work.

Sometimes men can be hard to read. Sometimes, though, the answer is staring you right in the face.

 

[Sha]

Date: 9/2/2008 8:09:18 PM
Author: DivaDiamond007

Date: 9/2/2008 7:30:29 PM
Author: radiantquest
because i love him and cannot imaging life without him.

You don't have to cut him completely out of your life! Why not accept that fact that he does not want to get married and just be friends with him? Coercing (sp?) him into marriage isn't the right thing to do, and I'm sure you know that.

Ouch. As someone else said, that is SO much more easier said than done. How many of us can see ourselves going from lovers/soulmates with our longtime BF's to just being friends? It really isn't an easy thing to do.

Sometimes I think we're too 'quick' in 'encouraging' persons to walk/terminate otherwise solid relationships, whenever the couple has conflicting goals/wants. There is a chance, as in Pandora's case, that once the OP's BF is married, he will be very happy, and realize that he really had nothing to worry about. I know of one other BF in real life who didn't really see himself getting married, and would never have gotten married, if his GF at the time didn't drag him to the altar. He's now sooo happy, and describes it as the best decision he ever made.

So it can happen.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I agree that he''s being completely honest with you, it''s up to you to hear him.

It''s not wrong to want marriage and it''s not wrong to NOT want marriage, but they don''t work together. The simple truth is that if he can''t want marriage, he''s not meeting your needs. I''ve said it before and I''ll say it again: love just ain''t enough to make a relationship work.

Two years ago, I wanted marriage. My boyfriend wanted me, but not necessarily marriage. He proposed after some foot dragging ot keep me and I ended the relationship a few weeks later when his actions made it clear he was not excited about marriage. Would he have done it? Yes. Is that how I wanted my marriage to feel? No.

I moved far away. Three months passed. No contact. He went to therapy. He realized that his foot dragging and excuses were never valid, they were rooted in fear. He realized it was selfish of him for ever asking me to stay in a relationship when I made my needs crystal clear and he knew he couldn''t meet them. He realized that he could easily live the rest of his life without marriage, he didn''t want to. He really GOT it.

He proposed again and was excited the entire engagement--he even planned a big ol'' chunk of the wedding. When I woke up the morning of the wedding and said "HOLY CRAP! I"M TERRIFIED! It was he who laughed and calmed me down. He loves being married--it''s not any of the things he feared. He said he should have just proposed years ago.

He had to figure it out on his own. I had no control over whether he proposed or whether he embraced marriage and all of the things that went with it (buying a home, having a family). You only have control over yourself, you know? You have to honestly address what he has put on the table and what you NEED. This isn''t a time for sweeping any issues under the rug--get them out, address them, figure it out. I know it''s tough, but this is not about him...he''s told you where he stands. This is about YOU!

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 9/3/2008 10:11:23 AM
Author: NewEnglandLady
I agree that he's being completely honest with you, it's up to you to hear him.

It's not wrong to want marriage and it's not wrong to NOT want marriage, but they don't work together. The simple truth is that if he can't want marriage, he's not meeting your needs. I've said it before and I'll say it again: love just ain't enough to make a relationship work.

Two years ago, I wanted marriage. My boyfriend wanted me, but not necessarily marriage. He proposed after some foot dragging ot keep me and I ended the relationship a few weeks later when his actions made it clear he was not excited about marriage. Would he have done it? Yes. Is that how I wanted my marriage to feel? No.

I moved far away. Three months passed. No contact. He went to therapy. He realized that his foot dragging and excuses were never valid, they were rooted in fear. He realized it was selfish of him for ever asking me to stay in a relationship when I made my needs crystal clear and he knew he couldn't meet them. He realized that he could easily live the rest of his life without marriage, he didn't want to. He really GOT it.

He proposed again and was excited the entire engagement--he even planned a big ol' chunk of the wedding. When I woke up the morning of the wedding and said 'HOLY CRAP! I'M TERRIFIED! It was he who laughed and calmed me down. He loves being married--it's not any of the things he feared. He said he should have just proposed years ago.

He had to figure it out on his own. I had no control over whether he proposed or whether he embraced marriage and all of the things that went with it (buying a home, having a family). You only have control over yourself, you know? You have to honestly address what he has put on the table and what you NEED. This isn't a time for sweeping any issues under the rug--get them out, address them, figure it out. I know it's tough, but this is not about him...he's told you where he stands. This is about YOU!

I was hoping you would come in and tell your story

ETA: I wanted to add that my best friend has the same exact story. He was dragging his feet and was a total jerk to her throughout the relationship (that part isn't the same). She figured it was because he didn't truly want to be with her so she left him. Three months passed and during that time he went into therapy. He was afraid of being hurt again as he was in the past. They got back together, he proposed, they're getting married in December.

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Radiant, although you already have the date set and a ring on the way, it''s still not too late to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. If you really feel as though this marriage is something he is ONLY doing to appease you, and that if everything were up to him, there would be no marriage, then I would really suggest sitting down with him and letting him know how important it is to you to be married to someone who wants all of the same things that you want and who is as enthusiastic about marriage as you are. Let him know that because of your observations of his words and actions, you don''t think that following through on this one-sided marriage is a good idea. I would also suggest moving out for a while. Give him some space and spend sometime with yourself figuring out what you truly want. Once he knows that you''re serious, there is a good chance that he will come around, just like NewEnglandLady''s DH did. I think her story is a really good example of that old saying, “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.”

I lived with my FI before we got engaged, but we always had the intention of getting engaged/married. If we wouldn''t have talked about it beforehand or if I knew marriage wasn''t something he wanted, I never would''ve moved in with him. "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" I think a lot of guys looks at the situation like that. If you''re already there living with him, sleeping with him, cooking for him, etc. then why take the next step? He''s already getting all of the things he wants. But you should get what you want too!

 

[jcarlylew]

Radient -
I think there is a ton of great advice from all the ladies. I will have to agree that you do need to talk it out with him, talk it out with yourself, and hold on to some faith.

 

[Gwyn]

Seems kind of odd to me that he has these views on marriage without actually experiencing it. Did his parents or close friends have a nasty divorce or something? Also, he was with someone for 11 years AND had kids with her without getting married and that still ended. So, clearly, marriage isn''t the root cause of a relationship ending.

Is he willing to explore why he thinks this way? Or is he just set in his "i dont want to, its not for me, it only causes trouble" way of thinking?

Truth be told, there are alot of benefits to being married. And, if a relationship isn''t going to work out, it is going to crumble with or without a ring on his finger.

I think its a good thing that he is willing to get married for you. To me it indicates that his hesitation is really based on the idea of marriage and not the idea of being married to you...if that makes sense.

If it is really important to you that he WANTS to get married for his sake and not just yours then you two probably need to take a step back and explore why he feels this way some more. Even if he does decide he wants to get married, you may not get a "proposal". Alot of guys just are not the type to make a big to do over something like that. Many think its an obvious answer so why ask the question kind of thing.

If you two cant figure out why he feels this way and/or appease his uneasiness, you need to either come to grips with the fact that hes doing it for you or come to grips with the fact that you two will never get married.

Good Luck

 

[Italiahaircolor]

The thing that popped into my head was "you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink"

Forgive me, but I am not going to read the other responses in advance, since I want to share my honest opinion with you and what my personal gut reaction was....

If you want to be married, and he doesn''t, it will never work. That''s not saying you two aren''t a lovely couple in every other way, but if you have polar opposit views on such a serious issue, then its bound to fail. Marriage is one of those crazy things you cannot do half way. You''re either in or you''re out. I''m married, and although not every day is challange, there are days that will try you to your core...and those are the days when you have to look at your partner and make it work because you both know how badly you want to be in that marriage. If your husband doesn''t want to be there, it will be in those moments--when a real solid marriage counts for the most--that you''ll realize, all you have is a band and a piece of paper...not a marriage. Do not, under any circumstances, marry a man that doesn''t want to marry you just as much. You''re only going to be cheating yourself out of the greatest experience ever. Marriage is fun, and hard, and special...and when its with the right person, it changes you and your relationship becomes something that is hard to put into words, but it''s beautiful. But it''s only beautiful when it''s real.


My heart breaks for you, because I know how it feels to be in love with a man you want to marry. When you finally meet the one, its amazing and just as special as everyone lead you to believe it would be, but you cannot even enjoy it, because he doesn''t want to share this time with you. But I think you know that you two have different value systems, and you need to face that.


Do not allow this man to host you''re pitty party...because thats what you''re wedding will be...a pitty party. You''ll stand there, dressed up and you''ll know he doesn''t want to be there...and how awful would that be? It defeats the purpose. Its a waste of your time and money. Wait, wait for the right man who will want to take this journey by your side. Do not settle for less on something so important.

 

[ams0124]

Date: 9/9/2008 10:20:40 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
The thing that popped into my head was ''you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink''

Forgive me, but I am not going to read the other responses in advance, since I want to share my honest opinion with you and what my personal gut reaction was....

If you want to be married, and he doesn''t, it will never work. That''s not saying you two aren''t a lovely couple in every other way, but if you have polar opposit views on such a serious issue, then its bound to fail. Marriage is one of those crazy things you cannot do half way. You''re either in or you''re out. I''m married, and although not every day is challange, there are days that will try you to your core...and those are the days when you have to look at your partner and make it work because you both know how badly you want to be in that marriage. If your husband doesn''t want to be there, it will be in those moments--when a real solid marriage counts for the most--that you''ll realize, all you have is a band and a piece of paper...not a marriage. Do not, under any circumstances, marry a man that doesn''t want to marry you just as much. You''re only going to be cheating yourself out of the greatest experience ever. Marriage is fun, and hard, and special...and when its with the right person, it changes you and your relationship becomes something that is hard to put into words, but it''s beautiful. But it''s only beautiful when it''s real.


My heart breaks for you, because I know how it feels to be in love with a man you want to marry. When you finally meet the one, its amazing and just as special as everyone lead you to believe it would be, but you cannot even enjoy it, because he doesn''t want to share this time with you. But I think you know that you two have different value systems, and you need to face that.


Do not allow this man to host you''re pitty party...because thats what you''re wedding will be...a pitty party. You''ll stand there, dressed up and you''ll know he doesn''t want to be there...and how awful would that be? It defeats the purpose. Its a waste of your time and money. Wait, wait for the right man who will want to take this journey by your side. Do not settle for less on something so important.

OMG...I love everything about this post. Extremely well written.

This is such a hard subject because emotions and feelings are real, and just having someone tell you to walk away from that can sometimes come off as they don''t care, or they think it''s that easy...even if that wasn''t the intention at all...

My last relationship I was with him for 5 1/2 years...we met in HS. I always knew I wanted to get married and I always felt that I would marry this man. As the years went by the marriage subject starting coming up more frequently (by me of course). His reaction was always very jaded towards marriage, he always replied "If it''s not broke don''t fix it" or with some other ridiculous line. My want of marriage and his disinterest in it slowly tore us apart. I realized that it was something that I was not willing to give up...not even for him, and that even if I convinced him to marry me...it was still that I had to convice someone to marry me...that sounded extremly pathetic and sad when I said it to myself. My decision to leave him and end our relationship was so hard and painful, I don''t wish a break up like that on my worst enemy...but it was the right thing to do. His views on marriage still haven''t changed. Mine will never change...We both had to realize that as great as we were together in most things...this difference was something that one of us would never be happy with, and ultimatly resentment would follow.

I have a huge amount of respect for him because he clearly knew what he wanted out of life and wasn''t affraid of letting me know even though he knew I wasn''t going to agree with it...I also found a newfound respect for myself because I also realized what I wanted and wasn''t affraid of letting him know...something I think a lot of women inparticular lack.

I''m now with a wonderful man...whom I love more than anything. We can''t stop talking about marriage and starting a family and growing old together.

I don''t know if there''s much advice beyond truely figure out what you want and ask for it. You''ll get it...even if it''s not in your current relationship. Be stong, know that you deserve happiness...figure out what makes you happy and what will keep you happy.

***HUGS***

 

[Dreamer_D]

It is very possible that he doesn''t want to get married because he doesn''t respect monogamy, or the institution, or he isn''t that into you...

Date: 9/3/2008 8:51:44 AM
Author: Pandora II

DH married me because because our relationship is SO good that he could put his fears and memories of his parent''s hideous divorce aside. In any relationship compromise plays a HUGE role - value his compromise for you and be happy about it!

It is also possible that like Pandora''s hubby, he has been burned in the past and is scared. Marriage is a huge commitment with cultural meaning and failure is a paralyzing concept to many people.

Only you can tell whether it is option A or option B. You know him, we do not. I *suspect* that he may be scared, like Pandora''s husband, because if he truly didn''t want to get married ever full stop period, I don''t think he would go along with what you plan. His foot dragging and negativity may be a way of trying to stay uninvolved in a process that scares the crap out of him--commitment and dependence on another person.

If he really is just scared, well the good news is that he may deep down want to get married. The bad news is that not everyone who is insecure in their faith in their partner''s love can overcome those fears and embrace commitment and dependence on another person. Pandora''s husband has taken that leap of faith and allowed himself to give himself over to the joys--and fears--of loving someone truly and deeply, and committing to them in kind. But many other people, possibly including your FI, may never overcome those fears. Unfortunately, when someone is deeply fearful of the possibility of being hurt by their spouse/partner, they tend to do a lot of hurtful things to that person. A sort of "I''ll hurt you before you can hurt me". So even if your FI *wants* to get married and is just scared, then you still need to decide whether or not he will be able to open up and accept your love, commitment, and take the leap of faith of trust. If you really, truly, think that he will grow to trust you completely with time, then you may have a wonderful marriage! But if he is too hurt to trust you, then you may be in for some hurt of your own.

You are probably not the best person to make this important judgement about your FI and his love for you and his ability to trust. Although you feel like you cannot live without him, you actually CAN (I felt that way about my ex and guess what? I lived! Somehow

and met my wonderful husband 2 months later). But that fear of being alone may make you see things the way you WANT to see them and not the way they are.

I wish you luck!

 

[Independent Gal]

Date: 9/3/2008 8:51:44 AM
Author: Pandora II

- him telling me the next day that he now understood what marriage meant as he now felt we were a family and not just two people dating and that please could we have a baby as soon as possible.

I would just like to point out that Pandora and her husband are indeed expecting a baby, and got expectant as soon as was humanly possible after their wedding. Yay Mr & Mrs Pandora!

Sorry for the threadjack, I'm just really excited for P.

Personally, I could not marry someone who didn't want to marry because I would worry that he would not put the work into it. Why work for something you don't value? I would worry that I would end up making most of the compromising, doing more than my share, because part of him would always be thinking 'well, I married her, what more does she want?' I'd also be worried about the self-fulfilling prophecy thing.

In Pandora's case, her hubby showed how keen he was and how on board he had become by the extreme care and consideration with which he proposed to her (I loooove that story!) and the way he behaved during planning. She can have had no doubt that, while he might not have wanted to marry without her prompting, he was now very much on board with it. So if I were her, I would not have worried about whether he would pull his weight in the marriage by the point of the wedding.

If you don't get that feeling from your FF before the actual wedding day, I would think twice.