He is giving me mixed signals.

[absolut_blonde]

I am really confused right now and could use some perspective on things. Basically, I just feel like he is asking too much.


For context, SO and I are long-distance, been together for 7 months and see each other about every weekend. He's 26, I'm 24, both stable financially; same goals and values (marriage, kids, viewpoints on the important stuff). It is early in the relationship, but the nature of long-distance means that we have to consider the long-term future if we want to give things a try in the same city. We've been talking about my moving to his city after a year or so of dating (I have friends/family there too so I wouldn't be overly dependent on him). My job is more portable and it is probably the most practical thing to do given a number of personal factors-- I'm ok with possibly moving. Our relationship is fantastic overall, I'm extremely happy with him.

But I feel like he is giving me mixed signals. For example, he asked me for ring ideas not too long ago and suggested that I go look to get some ideas. This was completely of his own doing; I never brought up the topic (it's still early, didn't want to freak him out, etc). He asked me more than once, too, so I finally did email him a few pictures for ideas. Since then, marriage has come up a lot more and he has flat-out said he wants to marry me, several times. Basically, it comes up a LOT. Of course, this makes me happy because I do want all of that with him down the road.

However, in spite of all his talk... he wants it to be a long way off. We don't see eye-to-eye on the timeline issue. He wants to live together for two years before getting engaged. I realize that we do need to spend some time in the same city together before making a larger commitment. But given the *massive* commitment/risk involved on MY part -- leaving my well-paying job, my friends, and my family -- I feel like 2 years is a long time. Plus, I'm really NOT crazy about the idea of living together for 2 years without a formal commitment. Living with someone for an extended period of time is just not something I have ever wanted to do. I've always wanted moving in to be a relatively brief precursor to engagement.

I guess I just feel... mislead, almost. Like, why ask for ring ideas if you're not even going to go buy one for another 2.5 years? Why bring it up so much? I'm in no 'rush', but the combination of the way he's acting as well as the fact that I would be the one moving had ME thinking a proposal timeline would be more like one year after living together. So hearing otherwise was a little bit of a surprise.

I know many people date for longer than 3-3.5 years before getting engaged. But I'm a little wary of relocating with what I feel is a total lack of security. I feel like, why should *I* move if he still needs 2 years after that? He said he wants to wait until he feels that 'we're ready'. I understand that-- but I see moving as a really, really big deal. Now I'm having second thoughts about moving at all and I told him so.

The moving thing can be pushed back, but he's pretty stuck on living together for 2 years regardless and I'm just not sure I want that. I don't think moving to his city and living separately would help either, since most of my misgivings relate to leaving my city behind-- not living with him. I just don't know what to do. It seems insane to let things like this get in the way of an otherwise great relationship, but I am pretty upset.

 

[KimberlyH]

AB, there was a thread about LD dating recently that addressed the issues you seem to be facing. See if reading it helps you at all.

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/my-newbie-storyy.77373/

I''ve been where you are: LD, had to leave a job, friends, proximity to my then pregnant sister to be with a guy and see if we were meant to be. I am so glad we weren''t engaged, and didn''t even discuss it, until after we spent time living in the same city.

As for the timeline issue, that''s something you two are going to have to compromise on, it will pave the way for great communication throughout your marriage so the sooner you start, the better.

 

[meresal]

I was in this same situation almost a yr ago. I made the move away from friends and family last May. Well, bc I had to take a job that didn''t pay as much (or even close, for that matter)... for my safety, we had to move in together. I never agreed with this, and knew my parents wouldn''t either... before a commitment. So, I told Chris, that if we didn''t have a formal committment(engaged) once our 1 yr lease was up, I would move out and get my own place. I just can''t knowingly lie to my parents for any longer than that. He knows I''m completely serious, bc I feel that guys will think "I''ve got the cow, so why do I have to pay for the milk too??" (Does that make sense?)

2 yrs is a VERY long time to get to know whether or not you can live with someone... Have you asked him why he is so set on 2-2.5 yrs?
From what you''re saying, it seems like you are more worried about the moving and the committment you will be putting into the relationship, than you are about the fact that he asked about ring options, and isn''t planning anything soon. I think that this needs a VERY long talk, and all of yours and his ideas need to be put on the table. Bc, if you do move in together and you haven''t talked about absolutely everything... it WILL eventually come out, and it probably won''t be a nice quiet converstaion.

Good luck with everything. Living closer, not LD, is so nice, and deff something to look forward to. It''s beats plane flights every weekend!!

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 2/10/2008 9:26:59 PM
Author: meresal
I was in this same situation almost a yr ago. I made the move away from friends and family last May. Well, bc I had to take a job that didn''t pay as much (or even close, for that matter)... for my safety, we had to move in together. I never agreed with this, and knew my parents wouldn''t either... before a commitment. So, I told Chris, that if we didn''t have a formal committment(engaged) once our 1 yr lease was up, I would move out and get my own place. I just can''t knowingly lie to my parents for any longer than that. He knows I''m completely serious, bc I feel that guys will think ''I''ve got the cow, so why do I have to pay for the milk too??'' (Does that make sense?)

2 yrs is a VERY long time to get to know whether or not you can live with someone... Have you asked him why he is so set on 2-2.5 yrs?
From what you''re saying, it seems like you are more worried about the moving and the committment you will be putting into the relationship, than you are about the fact that he asked about ring options, and isn''t planning anything soon. I think that this needs a VERY long talk, and all of yours and his ideas need to be put on the table. Bc, if you do move in together and you haven''t talked about absolutely everything... it WILL eventually come out, and it probably won''t be a nice quiet converstaion.

Good luck with everything. Living closer, not LD, is so nice, and deff something to look forward to. It''s beats plane flights every weekend!!

He just thinks three years isn''t that long. And objectively, it''s not. It''s just a personal thing-- moving, followed by waiting another 2 years for a formal commitment is asking too much.

And I''m just... confused. I don''t understand WHY there''s been all the ring/marriage talk if it''s still 2.5 years away. I feel a bit silly for assuming it''d be so much sooner (by about a year) because of that.


I think you''re right re: a big long talk. I just wanted to make sure I wasn''t being completely unreasonable. I almost feel like, if you want this 3-year timeline then you can be the one to move! I don''t think 3 years is *excessively* long to get engaged, but nor is 2 years excessively short. I just don''t want everything to be on his terms. I don''t know. I love him to pieces but if he''s stuck on that timeline then my answer to moving at this point is, sadly, no.

 

[TravelingGal]

Moving IS a really big deal. So you are right to put a lot of thought into this.

If you are stable financially, I would highly advise if you move, move into your OWN place. Should it not work out (and you really need ot face that possibility that it may not), it will be easier for you each to go your own way.

Secondly, I would say (and I know you are going to hate me for this), try and be LDR a little longer before you move. Uprooting after 7 months (or anything close to that) is IMHO a bad idea. As you said, it IS a risk, and you are bearing the brunt of that risk. LD relationships have a much longer honeymoon period than regular relationships and you kind of need to ride that out and get your head out of the clouds before making a clearheaded decision. I would say at least 1.5 years before you make that decision...your LDR should be able to ride that time out if you are committed and and really in love with each other. And even the waiting period does not guarantee success.

I realize you do see him every weekend and you probably feel like you do mundane things together and are more realistic in your views. Believe me when I say it's JUST NOT THE SAME as being in the same city. You are still in visit mode. In both your minds your time is limited and you are on better behavior than normal. And because it's more structured, timewise, you both have already slotted the time for each other in your minds with far less conflict and far more ease than when you both live together in the same town. In other words, you both get to do exactly what you want to do with your lives during the week, and only have to "worry" about each other on the weekends.

And as for you saying, "It seems insane to let things like this get in the way of an otherwise great relationship"...uh, "things like this" is a BIG DEAL. At this point, "things like this" IS your relationship. Your LDR and your solution for not being an LDR is at the CORE of making your relationship move ahead. This decision (and the attitudes that stem from it) makes or breaks any LDR. If you think it's insane, you've got more surprises coming at you.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 2/10/2008 10:07:01 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Moving IS a really big deal. So you are right to put a lot of thought into this.

If you are stable financially, I would highly advise if you move, move into your OWN place. Should it not work out (and you really need ot face that possibility that it may not), it will be easier for you each to go your own way.

Secondly, I would say (and I know you are going to hate me for this), try and be LDR a little longer before you move. Uprooting after 7 months (or anything close to that) is IMHO a bad idea. As you said, it IS a risk, and you are bearing the brunt of that risk. LD relationships have a much longer honeymoon period than regular relationships and you kind of need to ride that out and get your head out of the clouds before making a clearheaded decision. I would say at least 1.5 years before you make that decision...your LDR should be able to ride that time out if you are committed and and really in love with each other. And even the waiting period does not guarantee success.

I realize you do see him every weekend and you probably feel like you do mundane things together and are more realistic in your views. Believe me when I say it''s JUST NOT THE SAME as being in the same city. You are still in visit mode. In both your minds your time is limited and you are on better behavior than normal. And because it''s more structured, timewise, you both have already slotted the time for each other in your minds with far less conflict and far more ease than when you both live together in the same town. In other words, you both get to do exactly what you want to do with your lives during the week, and only have to ''worry'' about each other on the weekends.

And as for you saying, ''It seems insane to let things like this get in the way of an otherwise great relationship''...uh, ''things like this'' is a BIG DEAL. At this point, ''things like this'' IS your relationship. Your LDR and your solution for not being an LDR is at the CORE of making your relationship move ahead. This decision (and the attitudes that stem from it) makes or breaks any LDR. If you think it''s insane, you''ve got more surprises coming at you.

Oh yes, definitely no plans to move before it''s been at *least* a year! I was actually thinking of starting to look casually AT the one-year mark. Took me about 4 months to find my current job so I figure if it''s about the same this time, that would work out ok. I''ve never lived with a SO, period, so it''s not something I take lightly (and that, plus the moving aspect = huge deal).

Doing the own place thing might be tough, my current job pays quite well but the cost of living here is nutso. I could rent a 1BR apartment and not save anything. Or I suppose a roommate would cut costs, but I don''t know anyone in his city that isn''t already married.


And I do know that ''things like this'' are important-- I guess I just meant that I don''t want timeline specifics to come at the expense of the relationship. That would be a shame. Hopefully a compromise of some sort can be reached before things would reach that point. Plus, I just wasn''t sure if I was being overly demanding or not. I don''t want to be one of ''those girls'' and I wasn''t sure if I was. I don''t want to come across as caring more about marriage than him-- but I don''t want to make an overly risky move either.

 

[TravelingGal]

LDR is probably one of those times when I would advocate being one of "those girls." Hee hee. I say that in half jest and half seriousness. Until you are married, YOU are your number one priority, as selfish and harsh at that sounds.

As for the finding your own place thing, consider it money well spent. It will be much easier to find a place at your leisure with excitement and lower stress than to try to find a place because things didn''t work out and you are either crying at or hating the sight of him.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Just a quick update since reading others' opinions here encouraged me to bring it up again. The problem is, I'm one of those people who needs to think things through on their own before acting on them or talking about it. Which would be fine... if I didn't tend to work myself up more in the process.

So by the time I managed to blurt it all out, I think SO was a bit taken aback and how upset I sounded! Including articulate highlights such as 'I can't live with someone indefinitely. I just... won't. Can't. I can't!' *voice cracks*-- but he was actually really good. He admitted that while he knew it was a big deal, he might not've considered how huge moving is to me (lived with his ex so he's a bit less scared of the moving-in-together thing). He said the three-years-total thing wasn't set in stone and that he was just giving a ballpark off-hand since we were only talking about things casually at the time, he's more concerned about us being ready. I know being ready is important, but as a planner that is hard to accept since it's so hard to predict! I guess at least he knows that three years would be the end of the line for me, hah.

And then we just talked about the future in general. He did say he'd never ask or want me to move if he didn't intend on taking things further, which I do believe. (Provided that all things continue to go well, which is an unfortunate caveat that accompanies LDR, as some of you mentioned). I think we ARE relatively on the same page in that we see living together as the chance to get to know each other better and work on any issues-- basically preparing for the next step eventually. I think I might be open to engagement earlier than him, but probably not to the extreme that I was thinking when I started this thread. I do believe that, if things go smoothly, he will propose eventually. I suppose I just have a bit of a phobia of waiting an extended amount of time after having moved, which is not irrational but perhaps not warranted.

I think he sees my side better now, at least, and I feel better. Actually wonder if I am PMS-y or something tonight because I feel so emotional but I do feel better about the situation. Plus, just being able to get it out and vent to him made me feel better. Even if we take all of the talk off the table for a few months (not a bad idea), at least we have a better idea of where we both stand.

 

[TravelingGal]

What you just went through (IMO) is just one of the first "cracks" (I don''t want to use the word "breakdown") in the long road of LDR. And timing wise, it''s happening like clockwork (usually between 6-12 months).

You''re starting to be faced with the REALITY of your situation. The first few months are usually spent in the excitement of being together, and eagerly awaiting the next reunion, until that starts to get old and frustrating.

Of course he''d never ask you to move if he didn''t intend on taking things further...if he''s no dolt he understands that it will take a lot of commitment and effort on his part too...but not as much as you. You may find that when it''s time to move, little resentments will come up...like why do *I* have to pack up all this crap and why do *I* have to say goodbye to all my friends here? Hopefully he will make that transition easier for you by really pitching in with the move and really making you a priority when you do live in the same city.

However, intentions are not the same as results. I really have the BEST intentions to work out every day. Do I? Nope. I certainly encourage you to have faith in his intentions and his heart...a leap of faith is hard to do without that. But cushion it with action on your part to do everything you can to make your life easier if it does not work out.

You are not PMSy...trust me. You''re just starting to REALLY think about your situation more and your mind is spinning and your heart is reacting. I have been there. I think I mentioned on another thread that I still think TGuy was nuts to do what he did, but sometimes I think it''s better when a man moves for a woman because we tend to value that move a bit more than men do (huge stereotype and generalization here, I know.) We''re just more maternal and conscious about our loved one''s frustrations and anxieties. I was probably more concerned about TGuy''s mental wellbeing from the move than he was.

He never cried when he hugged each one of his famliy members goodbye. I, on the other hand was a sobbing wreck.

 

[absolut_blonde]

That is sweet that he moved. If it were a viable option for us, I would probably try to hold out because I think SO would. Though we might move back to my area someday, SO moving wouldn''t be ideal (it is an option, but given his field it would be better for him to stay-- and better for us financially, if things work out. My profession has positions in every city). It does make sense that women might appreciate it more, since I do think we tend to be better at putting ourselves in other people''s shoes. Sometimes it seems like men think they are doing so, but they''re not quite doing it.

And the crack thing again, makes sense. I kind of knew this was coming, as great as everything has been. I knew that eventually it would start to get tough.

I do take his intentions with a grain of salt-- and my own, even. It''s a bit early to say I will even end up moving, or when. If anything I''m pretty sure I''ll err on the side of later versus sooner. Plus, I loathe job hunting even if it means being closer to SO. So it will probably be awhile... LOL

 

[ladypirate]

Just to throw my 2 cents in--Kris and I moved in together straight from an LDR (although we had lived in the same city for a while prior to the relationship and been close friends) and it has been a good experience. While it is certainly different from only seeing each other on the weekends (like you guys, we spent every weekend together), it has brought us closer together. I didn''t feel any resentment to moving (granted, I was moving back to my home town rather than away from it), but it helped that I knew he was completely willing (and about to) move to my city to be with me rather than vice versa. I''m glad you guys talked and it seems you''ve worked things out. Good luck!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

My $.02...

I personally don''t feel that 2 to 2 1/2 years of living together is an unreasonable ammount of time before getting engaged...I think that since right now he''s speaking in the abstract, you should respect his comfort zone. However, I also believe in never compromising one''s self to fit into a relationship. Before you make this big move, you need to speak more honestly about what your expectations are.

For example...you''re planning on relocating your life. However, as you said, you''re not doing so to be in an open ended relationship, you need the commitment that an engagement will offer. So, while you''re happy to move inorder to be closer to him, suggest that perhaps while you''re both transitioning into life together, you''re going to rent a month-by-month apartment until you two have ironed out the kinks. Because, lets get real, living with someone is a huge, giant change from being in a long distance relationship.

Then, it''s your turn to make him want to marry you. It''s proven fact that women have a lot of power when it comes to this. You need to make yourself desirable, and someone that he cannot wait to spend the rest of his life with. While he may already think he wants to marry you, knowing he wants to marry right now is a different thing. When you''re living together, do the darling things for him that he never thought he''d love...like home cooked meals, movie nights, laundry and grocery shopping. Make sure that you give him his space while balancing that with romantic time together. Become more than a girlfriend or a roomate, become his family. I have complete faith that you and your sweetness can accomplish this toot-sweet!

A relationship is a process. Give it time to grow and mature, be patient and kind and understanding to his needs while always balancing yours. Remember to be conscious of putting yourself and your well being first. If you want to marry this man, then make it happen--but don''t force the issue--there is nothing scarier than a "husband-hunter" to a single man who has had his freedom!

 

[bee*]

I personally don''t think that he''s asking for too much if he would like to be together another 2 years before getting engaged, however I understand also that it''s a huge step for you to move to be nearer to him. I agree with TGal in that I definitely wouldn''t move until at least the year and a half stage of the relationship, and also if you can, get your own place at least for the first year when you do move. The way I see it is that 7 months is still the honeymoon period, especially in a LDR so most people are extremely happy in their relationships after this period of time. Hope everything works out for you!

 

[meresal]

It sounds like your talk went really well. Congrats!! I can really charge myself up sometimes too, so I completley understand what you mean. Whenever that happens, Chris will just sit back and start giggling, bc he knows I don''t mean to be bombarding him with all of it at once. You''re not alone!!

Let us know how everything works out. Good luck!!!

 

[LegacyGirl]

I don''t feel that amount of time is unreasonable either. I''ve been with my SO 5 years, the last 3 we have been living together. That''s what really brought us closer together and made us grow as a couple. The time you spend together is important and it will open your eyes and let you know if this is the right thing to do or not. Plus you get to see first hand how bad the snoring is... it never seemed that bad when we only had a weekend together

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 2/11/2008 10:36:16 AM
Author: LegacyGirl
Plus you get to see first hand how bad the snoring is... it never seemed that bad when we only had a weekend together

Haha, J and I have talked about whether or not we''ll have a spare bedroom when we get our own place, and he keeps saying, "Well, if we don''t and my snoring is just too awful, I''ll just sleep on the couch sometimes I guess." Poor (loud) guy.

 

[designchica]

I can see both sides of the issue. I completely agree with you about needing more a committment since you are leaving your job, etc. However, it is also cirtical to spend some time in the same city so that you have more day to day natural time together to determine if this going to work for you. I dated someone long distance for several years but it was never a very good guage on whether we were right for each other. When we were together, at least one of us was in "vacation" mode and that is not how life together is going to be like if you live together.

I suggest letting go of the idea that your well-paying job is the only well-paying job out there. You are operating under a scarcity mentality. Put more faith into yourself. You got a great job before and you will get a great job again. it may not happen right away but you will find one.

I also suggest talking with him about a compromise. You are willing to leave your job and move out there but two years is too long without a formal committment. Ask for six months and be willing to compromise at a year. If he is unwilling to give you that, ask yourself if you want to be with someone who is willing to ask so much of you not meet you halfway.

Another idea. Tell him to quit his job and move where you are.