Heartbroken

[hopefulbutpoor]

I know I am not a frequent poster here, but I have been an avid lurker for years and I couldn''t think of anywhere else where people would understand as much.

I broke up with my boyfriend. We dated for 3 years and he''s no closer to being ready for marriage than he ever was -although he said he loves me and I am everything he could ever want. But I want a marriage and a family - the total package - and I can''t wait around forver without any promises at all. So we''ve broken up, but we''re both miserable. I don''t want to be without him. . .Sympathy please! I am devastated over this.

 

[bstraszheim]

Oh, I am so sorry about your breakup!

I know that you must be hurt and miserable. If you are meant to be together then you will work things out, if not, then the right someone will come. You did not mention where he stood on having a family, but if that was something that he did not want, that is a major difference and not really one that I see a compromise on.

Hang in there, we are here for you.

I wish you well,

Bridget

 

[moon river]

Sometimes you need to be apart for awile to find out what you really want. FI and I broke up last year for 2 months(at my urging) then I realized I did want to work things out. He was smart enough to not rush back into things(I''d have probably changed my mind back since not enough time had passed). Just wait it out.

Whatever will be, will be

. This is a great place to vent and to get input. Keep us updated.

 

[JDgirl]

Oh, I''m sorry. Hang in there. I really think you''re doing the right thing. It''ll let you know once and for all what''s right. Either he''ll realize that he is ready and cannot be without you, or you''ll realize that you are better off apart and someone else that is right will come along. I know that''s probably hard to hear right now, but it will work out for the best. After many heartbreaks and breakups, I have finally realized that things do happen for a reason. I hope you start to feel better about things soon.

 

[Kaleigh]

I think you did the right thing. I know it''s hard, but hang in there. Maybe he will come around and see what he is missing out on, who knows. 3 years is a long time and you deserve to move on and get the whole package, rather than waiting around for something that may never happen. Good luck and let us know how it goes. HUGS!!!

 

[SoonIHope]

I don''t have anything new to add, but I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am!!! Things really will work out for the best one way or the other!!!!

 

[Erin]

I''m proud of you for having the strength to do this. I''ve contemplated the same thing before but was too worried about ruining my ''chances'' if I did. Then I finally did it. It only lasted a week but I came back as a sign of this is not what I want - what I want is for you to see how serious I am. I should have stayed gone longer to really utilize the time to both come to concrete clear conclusion about the stance I was taking. Maybe I''m just not strong enough to do the ''right'' thing which is what I think you did. It doesn''t mean you can''t end up together in the end stronger and better than ever - but it is a risk you take that it won''t. But whether it does or doesn''t - isn''t the outcome (whatever that might be) the RIGHT one after all is said and done? I''m proud of you

 

[MissAva]

*Hugs* Oh honey, I am sorry. Please dont hesistate to vent anytime, your "whole package" will come about. In the meantime focus on yourself and what makes you happy.

 

[caligal]

Hugs!! I''m so sorry you have to go through this- and I can imagine how hard this must be after 3 years. Listen- girl you deserve ALL those things and more and if he isn''t there yet, you did the right thing. This is either going to mend itself in that he''ll come rushing back or you''ll find someone much more fabulous who is dying to make your dreams come true. I know you don''t believe this now- so what I would recommend is to either call your girlfriends/coworkers/sisters/cousins- those cool chicks who live by you- and get yourself some icecream and movies and have some comfort this weekend. You need it! Then step 2: dive into new routines. Join a gym, take aerobic classes, pick up a hobby, volunteer, go shopping, take vacation time- whatever you need to do other than sit and cry. Hang in there girl!!

 

[Blue824]

I''m so sorry Hopeful, I can''t imagine what you''re going through right now, but I believe you did the right thing. These next days and weeks will be hard, but it will become easier. I''ll echo what Bridget said, if it is truly meant to be, things will work itself out, but in the mean time, take some time to yourself, relax, go out with friends, keep yourself occupied. Maybe he''ll realize that he needs to get serious, but if he doesn''t, take comfort in the fact that person who will be serious about you and will want to marry you is out there.

 

[Cailet]

Hopeful --I don''t post that often either - but I lurk almost everyday

!!! I had to post because I went through the same thing 2 yrs ago! My BF and I were in completely different places in the relationship - after having dated for 6 years!! He actually broke it off - and it was the best thing to happen to our relationship - hands down - EVER.

It gave us both time to rediscover who we were - without the other person - what exactly we wanted out of life, without worrying that what the other person wanted wouldn''t mesh with what you wanted -- happily for us it ended up we both discovered what we wanted was each other (after about 6 months). If it is meant to be it will work out - if not you will find someone else who will be more than you could have hoped for and it will work out with them instead. It doesn''t help now - and I''m sure it doesn''t really make you feel better (believe me I got TONS of these speaches from friends during our "break") but it is the truth.

Use this time to rediscover yourself, go out and do what you want - have fun, hang out with old friends, make new friends, find new hobbies. Just keep going, keep busy and eventually your guy will either show up saying he misses you, realized he really does want to start a family/get engaged or you will start having so much fun and meet some new guys that you won''t even remember that you were hoping for your old guy to "come to his senses"

We are all there for you!!

 

[diamondlil]

Oh, Hopeful, I''m so sorry. I don''t know how old the two of you are or much about your situation, but it seems you did the right thing. I''ve been there too.

I also broke up with my boyfriend when it became clear to me that it was going to take him much longer to get to the point of marriage than I was willing to wait. We had talked about marriage on several occasions, and I thought a proposal was coming only to have a later conversation and find out that he was thinking far in the future.

Breaking up was painful, depressing, horrible. But, I set my head on getting on with my life. Funny thing is, he was miserable on his own. After a little time, we began talking again, and within a few months he called my parents and met with them to ask permission to marry me. Thank goodness he came around, and it all worked out. We now have 2 children (13 and 11) and will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary in June.

I hope the two of you can work it out too, but when you know where you want to be at this time in your life, you can''t force him to feel the same way. He''ll either figure it out during this *separate* time, or you''ll begin again. Give it time, and know that your PS friends are here for comfort.

 

[SarFarSuperstar]

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this! As I read from a lot of the other posts, sometimes all it takes is a little space and perspective to see things more clearly (and sometimes end up back with your boyfriend). I did the same thing last year- we had dated for about a year, he said he never wanted to get married and even though I am relatively young, I saw no reason to continue to be with someone who never saw marriage and kids in their future (when I''ve wanted to be a mother and wife my whole life). It was a very upsetting time, because I had invested a lot After we broke up, I began dating a wonderful guy, who luckily wanted the same things I did. We got engaged in September and our wedding in October. As painful as this may be now, I really do believe that it is better in the long run to be with someone you are completely compatible with, rather than sacrificing things that are really important to you. Make a list of your "non-negotiables" and stick to it.

I hope things work out for you in the best way possible, whatever way that may be.

 

[nytemist]

My heart goes out to you. This is one of the hardest things you can ever do in life- it can feel like leaving a limb behind. I know you miss him terribly. You have a right to want marriage and a family. There is nothing wrong with that. It''s hard to decide if you stay and wait for the other person to change their mind, or leave and and have that chance to find someone who shares your view. I know you''re both miserable, but sometimes this is how it has to be. You want a real, secure relationship for your future. Despite his words of love, he doesn''t want that, at least not now. It''s hard to hear, but never put your feelings or life on hold waiting for someone else to make up their mind. I was going that direction before waking up and telling myself I deserve much better.

This might be the break needed to bring you two closer. If possible, have that really scary bare it all talk, see what you discover and go from there. It may be worth trying to save, it may not.

 

[squeaksluv]

Oh Hopeful I am so so sorry for your hurt. I think this may be the best thing for you both right now. It sounds as if you guys need a little space to figure things out and you never know, this could be just what you both need. You must keep yourelf busy right now and not dwell on things, that will only make you feel worse. Just know that you did what you had to do and it was the right thing. I am truly impressed and inspired by your strength. I wish I had even half of that sometimes!
We are all here for you! BIG HUGS

 

[Tacori E-ring]

The three year (dating) mark is a hard one. Around that time I admit I became slightly obsessed with getting engaged. I just didn''t understand what was taking so long. I hung in there (and he was smart enough to give me a deadline even if it was a year off) and sure enough a few months after we celebrated 4 years he proposed. Is such a long courtship normal (for adults)? Probably not. Was it hard and frusterating? YES! But now I realize all I needed was a commitment and I probably could have held off longer. I couldn''t live without him no matter what. So would I have broken up after three years, no. But everyone is different and I am sure this will be an eye opener for both of you.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

It's quite a common occurence, apparently. W and I broke up after a year for mostly the same reasons - it doesn't help that I'm already a bit older than him. It was extremely painful for me, as he was the one who did the leaving. After 3 months, he came back after realizing that I was the one he wanted to be with, and it was the best thing to have happened to our relationship. We've been back together for almost 3 years - and we're getting married in less than 2 months!

Either way, I hope that this will work itself out to your eventual happiness.

 

[snuga]

I''m so sorry to hear about this!!

I am sure that if he doesn''t want the same things as you, then you made the right decision. You shouldn''t have to compromise on issues that are so important to you, like commitment, family, etc.. It will get easier over time.. It''s better that you realized any differences now than later and you never know what may come from this... Hang in there!!

 

[Shay]

My condolences, the whole situation must be exhausting.

On the other hand... CONGRATULATIONS
For knowing yourself and what you need
For valuing yourself and your needs and not settling for less
For having the courage of your convictions
For taking control of your own future

I really hope things work out to your greatest benefit and try not to let it all get you down.