Helllooo... delurking

[ChicRaccoon]

Hello all, I’m a long-time lurker. Like many others here, I love the beauty of diamonds. But, finally I’m writing just to vent. However, any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

I have been with my boyfriend for over two and a half years, and we have lived together for over two years. It’s such an amazing relationship. I can’t even put into words how much I love him. I can tell that he feels the same way. There is no doubt in my mind that he is the one for me. He’s so thoughtful, caring, and loving. He always thinks of me and makes time for me no matter how hectic life gets. We consider each other family. We laugh and hug all the time, and we enjoy each other’s company immensely.

The thing is, he definitely does not have marriage on the mind. If I ever bring up the topic, I can see that he gets frustrated and he says he’s not sure yet if we are meant to be – that it is just too soon. He says he won’t lead me on by telling me that thinks we have a future before he is sure. (I do appreciate that he is being honest.)

I just don’t get it. We are so happy and know each other so well. It seems so obvious to me that we have found our match. It would be fine if he had faith in our future and just wasn’t ready yet. I’m not in a rush to get engaged/married and I certaintly don''t want him to propose unless he''s ready, but I feel confused, frustrated, and a little hurt.

We have talked, and while the talks go ok, nothing can give. I''m just doing my best to not think about or mention it, and to just enjoy our relationship. 2.5 years isn''t that long, so I''ll give him time and see what happens.

A little background… I’m 26 and he’s 35. When he was 21, he married a girl he had been dating for a few years. She ran away with another guy a few weeks after the wedding. This hurt him very badly and has had a large impact on his life.

 

[pluck15]

I''m really sorry that the marriage/proposal talks haven''t gone the way you had hoped. And I can definitely understand why you would be frustrated with his response of not knowing if the relationship is the right one. Are you the first serious relationship he''s had since his prior marriage? If so then I can kinda see why he would be so extremely timid about the idea of marriage again. But if not...then there might be other issues to dig deeper into, since that relationship was so long ago. I''m probably not the best person to give advice since I personally have not been in your shoes, but I do feel for ya and hope that after giving him a little more time, he comes around and realizes you are the one he can''t lose.

 

[4ever]

It just sounds like he''s been burned before and is now just being extra cautious. He''ll be ready when he''s ready you just have to give him the time and wait it out which it sounds like you''re prepared to do. I think his comments about not being sure are just a product of his fear of a repeat of his last marrige.

Welcome to LIW

 

[KimberlyH]

That it " seems so obvious to me that we have found our match" speaks volumes. It may be clear to you, but it isn''t to him at this point and he''s letting you know that. He''s telling you "he’s not sure yet if we are meant to be – that it is just too soon. He says he won’t lead me on by telling me that thinks we have a future before he is sure." and he means it.

Don''t try and interpret what he is telling you, take what he says at face value. He loves you enough, right now, to live with you and share his life with you. He isn''t ready to commit to a future and marriage isn''t on the radar at this point. Numerous talks about marriage are not going to change his mind. Nor is determining that he isn''t saying what he means (unless he has a history of lying). Whether or not that''s enough for you is only for you to decide. Staying and hoping that things change isn''t wrong, but it would not be fair to him for you to stay and feel resentment towards him for feeling as he does because it sounds like he''s been nothing but honest with you.

 

[ChicRaccoon]

Date: 8/26/2009 8:17:41 PM
Author: KimberlyH
That it '' seems so obvious to me that we have found our match'' speaks volumes. It may be clear to you, but it isn''t to him at this point and he''s letting you know that. He''s telling you ''he’s not sure yet if we are meant to be – that it is just too soon. He says he won’t lead me on by telling me that thinks we have a future before he is sure.'' and he means it.


Don''t try and interpret what he is telling you, take what he says at face value. He loves you enough, right now, to live with you and share his life with you. He isn''t ready to commit to a future and marriage isn''t on the radar at this point. Numerous talks about marriage are not going to change his mind. Nor is determining that he isn''t saying what he means (unless he has a history of lying). Whether or not that''s enough for you is only for you to decide. Staying and hoping that things change isn''t wrong, but it would not be fair to him for you to stay and feel resentment towards him for feeling as he does because it sounds like he''s been nothing but honest with you.

Thank you for your response. I do, however, feel compelled to clarify a few things.

That it '' seems so obvious to me that we have found our match'' speaks volumes.
- Well, yes. That''s why I posted that sentence. I am expressing *my* feelings and how they differ from his.

Don''t try and interpret what he is telling you, take what he says at face value.
- I do believe he says what he means, and I have no idea why you assumed that I do not. I''m aware that he is not yet ready to commit to a future, hence this post (a vent to get frustration out of my system so I don''t dwell on it).

Numerous talks about marriage are not going to change his mind.
- We don''t have talks about marriage, but sometimes we have talks about our relationship (we consider them preventative maintenance). They aren''t all that frequent.

Oh, and I hold no resentment toward him (he doesn''t deserve that). He has always told me that he moves slow, but I am patient.

 

[KatM]

i feel like i could have written your post a couple of years ago. i felt so strongly about the bf and he seemed to be so nervous about everything. anytime i used the f word (future) he''d get incredibly anxious and defensive. he''d tell me not to take it personally, but how could i not?

what worked for me then was realizing that i wasnt powerless in the relationship. i could leave anytime i wanted if it wasn''t meeting my needs. that knowledge alone did wonders for me. i''m not saying you should leave your bf, just that you keep in mind that you are an equal player. also know that his difficulty on the subject says nothing about you. i know that for me, it''s really hard to see so many other people get engaged and not think what''s wrong with me?

those talks were about 2.5-3 years ago and we''ve come quite far since then. it''s never stopped being a slow process for sure, but he''s able to discuss it and express his feelings on the subject now. a proposal is likely several years off still, but knowing that he wants the same thing makes a huge difference.

good luck with everything, i know it can be painful.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 8/26/2009 9:07:42 PM
Author: ChicRaccoon

Date: 8/26/2009 8:17:41 PM
Author: KimberlyH
That it '' seems so obvious to me that we have found our match'' speaks volumes. It may be clear to you, but it isn''t to him at this point and he''s letting you know that. He''s telling you ''he’s not sure yet if we are meant to be – that it is just too soon. He says he won’t lead me on by telling me that thinks we have a future before he is sure.'' and he means it.


Don''t try and interpret what he is telling you, take what he says at face value. He loves you enough, right now, to live with you and share his life with you. He isn''t ready to commit to a future and marriage isn''t on the radar at this point. Numerous talks about marriage are not going to change his mind. Nor is determining that he isn''t saying what he means (unless he has a history of lying). Whether or not that''s enough for you is only for you to decide. Staying and hoping that things change isn''t wrong, but it would not be fair to him for you to stay and feel resentment towards him for feeling as he does because it sounds like he''s been nothing but honest with you.

Thank you for your response. I do, however, feel compelled to clarify a few things.

That it '' seems so obvious to me that we have found our match'' speaks volumes.
- Well, yes. That''s why I posted that sentence. I am expressing *my* feelings and how they differ from his.

Don''t try and interpret what he is telling you, take what he says at face value.
- I do believe he says what he means, and I have no idea why you assumed that I do not. I''m aware that he is not yet ready to commit to a future, hence this post (a vent to get frustration out of my system so I don''t dwell on it).

Numerous talks about marriage are not going to change his mind.
- We don''t have talks about marriage, but sometimes we have talks about our relationship (we consider them preventative maintenance). They aren''t all that frequent.

Oh, and I hold no resentment toward him (he doesn''t deserve that). He has always told me that he moves slow, but I am patient.

Chic, You seem genuinely confused that he feels differently than you, which was the basis for my post. If that''s not the case, fantastic.

You said you were frustrated and sad, my thoughts regarding resentment were simply a reminder that you get to make choices too, and if you were headed in the direction of become resentful, which is where frustratration and sadness usually ends up, that you have the power to change that.

Regarding taking what he says at face value, I only stated that because often people look for hidden meaning in things when none exists. It''s easy to do when we are seeking something from a partner who isn''t providing that for us (for you it''s engagement/marriage). If you aren''t that''s great.

You seem to have taken offense to my post when none was intended. If what I doesn''t apply to you, wonderful. I wish you and your boyfriend the best and hope you find common ground.

 

[Lozza]

Welcome to PS!

I also could have written a similar post a few years ago, without the first marriage part. My SO kept saying he wasn''t ready yet, even though he was in his late 20s and we''d been living together years.

We''re now looking at rings and he''s asked for my ring size. We''ve been together 7 years and living together for 3.5 (we own our home). We have friends who met after us who are now married with kids, which bothers me sometimes but he was worth the wait.

The important thing, which I''ve only just started to understand, was that him being ready had absolutely nothing to do with me or our relationship. It was all about him having the right salary, being older than 30 etc...

As the others have said, you do have the ability to walk away if you''re not happy. For me, I decided I would rather spend my life with him unmarried than married to someone else.

In the mean time, feel free to come here and vent! It''s nice (in a way) to know there are others out there in the same situation.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

Welcome!
I understand why you are frustrated. At least you are happy in your relationship and he is trying to be as honest with you as he possibly can be. That''s always good.
The fact that he knows you pretty well, and that you have been together for what would technically be considered "past the honeymoon period" of a relationship, and that he still doesn''t know if you are "the one", may mean that you should prepare yourself for the possibility that he might never marry you. Then you will have to decide whether just being in a long-term relationship is going to be good enough for you.
On the other hand, he might change his mind and decide that he wants to commit to you forever after all.
Just wait it out and see. Waiting sucks but that''s all you can really do for now.
Good luck!

 

[CurlySue]

Hi there, CR. Welcome to LIW.

I have to say... I read your post last night, and for some reason, I thought about it all night long. I really feel for you. If I were in your shoes, I would be struggling with my emotions, too.

On one hand, I think there are a lot of positive things in your post. It sounds like your day-to-day relationship is very satisfying and fulfilling for you. That''s wonderful, and in many ways, your BF sounds like a great guy. And I think the fact that he is being up-front with you regarding where he stands on marriage right now is also very good. And while it''s frustrating you to hear the truth, you don''t seem to be ignoring it.

On the other hand, and this is only MY opinion based only on what you wrote, I would have my doubts if I were you. He felt confident enough in his relationship to let you move in soon after you started dating, but after two years of living together, he is still not sure if he can be in this with you for the long-run? I would have a hard time accepting that. A really hard time. I guess that while some people might say 2.5 years isn''t a long time, I think it *is* a pretty long time.

I might feel differently if he were still in his 20s, but he''s not. He''s 35. I think *most* men have a sense of what they need and want by the time they are in their mid-30s and they are typically in a fairly stable financial and professional position by then (and again, I said *most*, not all, so... perhaps your BF does not fall into these categories).

And, yeah... he''s been burned in the past. It happened when he was 21. That was a long time ago. Perhaps I am over-simplifying it and don''t understand the extent of what he experienced, but... I would think that if this much time has passed and he has been in a truly wonderful relationship with you for over two years, he should be more clear of where he sees your relationship going.

He''s being honest about his uncertainty, but your description of how he reacts to the thought of marriage to you is what makes me uncomfortable. You said he gets frustrated and keeps saying it''s too soon. Does he ever *not* get frustrated when you have these talks? Does he ever acknowledge that he understands why you may feel it''s *not* too soon and why you so confident in your relationship? Can he understand where you''re coming from?

I think you are right to give it some time, and I don''t think you need to necessarily rush into having more conversations about where your relationship is going. BUT, the next time it comes up, I would certainly ask him about his frustration and try to understand whether or not there is something specific holding him back. In the meantime, you need to understand what YOU are willing to accept, as some others have mentioned in their posts. Would you be OK not getting married? Would you be OK waiting for 10 years? I know it''s tough to answer those questions when you feel so strongly about someone, because I''ve been there before, but you also need to take care of your needs.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

 

[ChicRaccoon]

Thank you all for taking them time to respond. I very much appreciate it. An overall response: I pride myself on being very realistic and not getting caught up in the swing of things. I consider my intuition to be my greatest gift, and it tells me to give him time. It''s impossible to say everything in a post - or even to describe to a friend in words how lovey he gets at weddings (It''s embarrassing when the bride and groom tell you that you are the most in love couple at their wedding.) Or the way he woke up crying because he dreamt that I left him. Or how he talks about about saving for kids and our retirement.

Pluck15: To answer your question, I am his first serious relationship since ''her''. He considers me his first and only love.

KatM: Your post was so thoughtful and insightful. I will definitely keep in mind everything you wrote.

KimberlyH: I took no offense to your post, and I apologize for getting defensive. I, like many others, can be a little protective about my relationship. No worries.

Lozza: It is definitely nice to know that there are others in similiar situations.

kribbie: I''m prepared for the fact that he may never get over his fear, and he is aware that if it never happens I will go. We both hope that is not necessary.

CurlySue: Thank you for thinking of me. I agree with much of what you wrote. However, being burned in the past is something he still deals with. His family was surprised that I even know about it, let alone that he and I talk about it fairly regularly when relevant (which has progressed throughout our relationship). Not even his closest friends know. I know it sounds ridiculous that he hasn''t gotten over it, but he hasn''t. I think part of that comes from the fact that he never got closure, and other details I don''t care to get into. We have talked about his frustration; he wishes he didn''t have this hang-up, and he wishes he didn''t have to talk about "un-fun stuff" (I can be long-winded -cringe- I get it from my dad). And no, he doesn''t always get visibly frustrated, but he really hates the un-fun talks (who can blame him?). Also, I have asked if he would want to go to talk to someone, with or without me, and he said it''s a possibility. Regarding the length of time we''ve been together, he was with her 2 years, and as he sees it, he didn''t know her at all. I think he wants to be absolutely sure that it doesn''t happen to him again. As for waiting, he knows that I have an approximate time of how long I can wait because I want to have a kid by my early 30s. I would love to wait forever for him, but that wouldn''t be fair to either of us, as I don''t want to resent him for missing out on ''non-negotiables''.

Once again, I appreciate all of your thoughts and advice on my situation.

 

[CurlySue]

Date: 8/27/2009 1:33:15 PM
Author: ChicRaccoon
Thank you all for taking them time to respond. I very much appreciate it. An overall response: I pride myself on being very realistic and not getting caught up in the swing of things. I consider my intuition to be my greatest gift, and it tells me to give him time. It''s impossible to say everything in a post - or even to describe to a friend in words how lovey he gets at weddings (It''s embarrassing when the bride and groom tell you that you are the most in love couple at their wedding.) Or the way he woke up crying because he dreamt that I left him. Or how he talks about about saving for kids and our retirement.

Pluck15: To answer your question, I am his first serious relationship since ''her''. He considers me his first and only love.

KatM: Your post was so thoughtful and insightful. I will definitely keep in mind everything you wrote.

KimberlyH: I took no offense to your post, and I apologize for getting defensive. I, like many others, can be a little protective about my relationship. No worries.

Lozza: It is definitely nice to know that there are others in similiar situations.

kribbie: I''m prepared for the fact that he may never get over his fear, and he is aware that if it never happens I will go. We both hope that is not necessary.

CurlySue: Thank you for thinking of me. I agree with much of what you wrote. However, being burned in the past is something he still deals with. His family was surprised that I even know about it, let alone that he and I talk about it fairly regularly when relevant (which has progressed throughout our relationship). Not even his closest friends know. I know it sounds ridiculous that he hasn''t gotten over it, but he hasn''t. I think part of that comes from the fact that he never got closure, and other details I don''t care to get into. We have talked about his frustration; he wishes he didn''t have this hang-up, and he wishes he didn''t have to talk about ''un-fun stuff'' (I can be long-winded -cringe- I get it from my dad). And no, he doesn''t always get visibly frustrated, but he really hates the un-fun talks (who can blame him?). Also, I have asked if he would want to go to talk to someone, with or without me, and he said it''s a possibility. Regarding the length of time we''ve been together, he was with her 2 years, and as he sees it, he didn''t know her at all. I think he wants to be absolutely sure that it doesn''t happen to him again. As for waiting, he knows that I have an approximate time of how long I can wait because I want to have a kid by my early 30s. I would love to wait forever for him, but that wouldn''t be fair to either of us, as I don''t want to resent him for missing out on ''non-negotiables''.

Once again, I appreciate all of your thoughts and advice on my situation.

Thanks for the added details - it definitely helps to paint a clearer picture of where things stand. It sounds like you two communicate well and that you have time to see whether or not he can work out his issues with his past. You sound like a smart, caring, thoughtful woman, so I hope everything works out for you!

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 8/27/2009 1:33:15 PM
Author: ChicRaccoon

KimberlyH: I took no offense to your post, and I apologize for getting defensive. I, like many others, can be a little protective about my relationship. No worries.

Chic, it is totally normal and natural to be protective of yourself and your loved one. No need to apologize to me. I really do wish you the best; you sound like you''ve got your eyes wide open.

 

[AustenNut]

Though I don''t really have anything to add beyond what the other posters have already said, I do have one question. Does your bf ever want to remarry? Or is he undecided on if he wants to marry? And was the 2 years he was with his ex-wife, was that 2 years prior to getting engaged or 2 years until she ran off with the other guy? Just trying to get a clearer picture in my mind.