Hello Ladies!

[chocolatefudge]

Hi Everyone,

Haven''t been around for while but have just logged on to check how everyone is doing and any recent engagements. I am still not engaged, and may even have pushed things back further..... You may remember that my SO set a timeline for the end of this year? However, this may no longer be the case! In July our landlord rang us to say he is selling our house! This of course set us into panic as we had not planned to buy yet and I was so depreseed at the thought of renting somewhere else as we have already ''wasted'' so much money and houses to rent in our area aren''t great, whereas we were lucky with the one we have now and love it.
Anyway to cut a long story short we found a house on the estate that we live on now but it was for sale. We both loved it! It''s way nicer than anything we thought we could afford (especially with ridiculous prices in England at the moment!) But even better, we managed to knock £60,000 off the asking price!! We were really happy and have decided to go for it (please don''t all shout at me!! I know how you all feel about this!!) Anyway, basically if we hadn''t applied for the mortgage when we did it looks as though we''d be waiting quite a few years as mortgages have gone crazy and now are only offering 70%, and how we would save a 30% deposit is beyond me!!

Anyway, all this expense means that my timeline is not looking good!! SO has said that he now won''t have money for a ring and things have been put back! Now I know this sounds bad, and it''s like he''s got his own way about the hosue and dropped my proposal but I just have to trust him. I came to the conclusion that I love him and even if we never got married I don''t want to be without him. Am I becoming weak??
Also, a tiny piece of me is hoping that he is trying to put me off thinking it will happen so that he can surpirse me..... Am I being stupid??

Anyway, how are you all???

x x x x x

 

[gladyskristen]

Hi chocolatefudge,

Great to hear from you! It''s sad that your timeline isn''t looking good, but now that you''re gonna have a house of your own, I guess that also takes you 1 step closer to your future together?

Hopefully he''s trying to throw you off and surprise you, but the best thing for you to do now NOT to bet on it.

I don''t think you''re being weak when you said that you love him and want to be with him even if you never get married. It''s wonderful that you''re so in love! I''m sure he loves you a lot too and will make things happen in time.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

It''s great to see you around Chocolatefudge! I think of you often.

Now, I am going to warn you that I am going to be blatantly honest with you here and forewarn you that I mean no disrespect to you...

Please do NOT allow yourself to believe that he is trying to mislead you about getting your ring sooner. That type of trap is one I''ve seen one too many LIW fall into and it amounts to nothing but disappointment more often than not. If your priorities have changed to purchasing a home before an engagement (the same thing that happened to my FI and I) you need to understand that there is a VERY good chance your engagement will be delayed. Possibly significantly delayed. We have been in our house for almost 2 years now. Although we are engaged and very much planning our wedding, I do not have a ring. Owning a home changes everything in your budget. Everything. If you are ready to be buying a house together you need to be ready to face the reality that comes with making such a huge purchase especially with the economy is such a bad state.

I hope it works out for you but above all, don''t convince yourself that you are happy never getting married as long as you can be with him if that is not how you really feel in your heart. I''m living proof that you do not need a ring to get engaged and plan a wedding. All he has to do is ask you...

 

[chocolatefudge]

I''m glad you remember me!! Thought everyone may have forgotten who I was

I appreciate your honet advice, I have to say I completely agree with you. I think deep down that i know it won''t be happening soon. The other thing that I have to be honest with myself about is that my SO just isn''t ready to get married. I know that and have done for a while but didn''t want to admit it to myself. He just isn''t ready. I do believe he will ask me one day but I don''t think it will be soon. However, I do know that he loves me and I think that he will ask me eventually. When he gave me the timeline I did feel that he felt very pressured and was just trying to make me happy, and I''ve always said that I''d hate him to ask me just because he felt he had to. I want him to ask me because he wants to more than anything and at the moment I don''t think he does.
My main concern is that after seven and a half years together if he isn''t ready to he never will be, but I have to put that aside and try to trust him.
I do feel happy and have stopped letting talks of engagement consume my life, and that has definitely made me feel better.

 

[PrincessDijon]

Welcome back Chocolatefudge!!!!

Sorry to hear about your time line setback....but hey it may be a good thing....you never know...Some days all we can do is take it one day at a time....and hang out on PS!

 

[bee*]

Hi chocolatefudge! I was wondering how things were with you. I''m also one that am going to be honest-I think that is a valid thing that you fear what with going out together seven and a half years and he is still not ready. I was with D over eight years before we got engaged so I know how frustrating it can be going out with someone that long without that commitment. However if marriage is something that you really want, please don''t put it on the back burner and buy a house with him, if you know that it isn''t what he wants ultimately. If you''re happy living with him and owning a house as that commitment, than that''s great and I wish you all the luck in the world, but just from reading all your past posts, I really do think that you''re going along with them without wanting it 100%. I just don''t want to see you disappointed a couple of years down the road. I really don''t mean to be harsh, just looking out for you.

 

[SparklyLibra]

Date: 10/5/2008 11:38:25 AM
Author: chocolatefudge
I''m glad you remember me!! Thought everyone may have forgotten who I was


I appreciate your honet advice, I have to say I completely agree with you. I think deep down that i know it won''t be happening soon. The other thing that I have to be honest with myself about is that my SO just isn''t ready to get married. I know that and have done for a while but didn''t want to admit it to myself. He just isn''t ready. I do believe he will ask me one day but I don''t think it will be soon. However, I do know that he loves me and I think that he will ask me eventually. When he gave me the timeline I did feel that he felt very pressured and was just trying to make me happy, and I''ve always said that I''d hate him to ask me just because he felt he had to. I want him to ask me because he wants to more than anything and at the moment I don''t think he does.

My main concern is that after seven and a half years together if he isn''t ready to he never will be, but I have to put that aside and try to trust him.

I do feel happy and have stopped letting talks of engagement consume my life, and that has definitely made me feel better.

Hi Chocolatefudge!

Let me introduce myself since I''ve joined while you were away. I''m Sparkly Libra and it''s nice to meet you

I can''t help but be quite concerned that you are actually worried that after 7 years he may not want to marry you after all. If you are apt to staying the way things are and never getting married then cool. But from the sounds of it, I get the sense that you do want to get married, otherwise it wouldn''t be your main concern

. Also, you mentioned that if you be honest with yourself you can see that it''s not on the top of his list, and that you were avoiding being honest with yourself. Why? What was it about the truth that didn''t sit well with you? All I''m saying is that if the thought of him becoming so comfortable as to not even wanting to get married bothers you enough to be so concerned over it, then a serious chat is long overdue. I know how you feel about being judged by others for living together before marriage, but people are more accepting nowadays. What you should be primarily concerned about is how YOU feel about it. I''d say you need to have a serious chat with yourself about your worries if any, then bring the talks to him once you''ve figured out a way to tell him so as not to run him off entirely.... At the end of the day if you feel that your need to be married is not going away, yet everytime you bring it up he avoids giving you a direct timeline, then you may just have your answer right there...

I hope I don''t come off too harsh, but I''m just playing devils advocate here. I''ve been in your position and had to have ask myself some questions to which I already knew the answer but just didn''t wanna hear it. I ended up having a talk with my s/o and letting him know that I was not going to sit around forever, just on account of our long history, because if he didnt want to go in the direction i was going in, then all my time spent with him would continue to be settling for less than I wanted, and I''d just end up resenting him and myself in the long run. I had the chat with him, and reminded him of all the marriage talk he used to give me and asked him if he still felt the same. I told him where I stood and that I understood if he had reservations, asked him what they were, and offered that if there was anything we do to work on it together, then I''m willing. But if after giving it an earnest effort and a certain amount of time, nothing changed... Then we''d just have to take the past 5 years as the wonderful experience that it was, and call it a day. Just my experience, and I do hope that helps....

~SL

 

[jcarlylew82]

good to see you back and congrats about the house!!!

i dont think you are being weak at all - sometimes situations change and we have to roll with lifes "punches"! anyways, i know many of ladies who got engaged shortly after their SO (and them) bought a house... my best friend included!!

 

[chocolatefudge]

Thanks for all the replies everyone I suppose I haven''t got any solid answers to your concerns, they are things I have often thought of myself. You are right I do want to get married. Living with my boyfriend doesn''t bother me but I DEFINITELY want to be amrried before I have children. The thing is he says he does too, and he also says he wants to marry me! The problem is when! Everytime we have the conversation it ends in the same way- he gets annoyed that I want to pinpoint a date and I get upset and accuse him of never wanting to get married.
I have started to realise that maybe he just isn''t ready but one day he will be. Maybe I am kidding myself, but the alternative is that I''m not ''the one'' and things will end. If that''s the case, why does he want us to buy a house?

I''m just going round and round in circles here... I just have to believe him when he says it will happen.

 

[ezsbella]

Hello Chocolatefudge I am new to ps as well. I think I will be engaged pretty soon and I like to share my updates with all you ladies. I have been dating my So for 7 + years as well. It''s very nice of you to give your SO the space and time he needs to make up his mind and propose. I believe that its a rather difficult decision especially for a man to face. The are many factors to take in consideration when its time for a couple to decide when its time to move on with our lives and get married. Like education, careers, financial stability, family, and if marriage is overall going to affect a particular lifestyle. Only you can understand your SO''s way of thinking. Perhaps he had a bad experience, or he wants to take care of certain things before he makes the big jump. I knew my SO was going to be the man I married the first time I ever saw him. We met online about 8 years ago and we had a very special connection. Every night we would go online and chat with eachother, eventually we started talking on the phone and then after a year we finally decided to meet. He lived 500 miles away from me so my father, sis and I went to pick him up at the airport. As soon as he walked past the arrival doors I got the shivers, maybe from being so nervous and excited but it hit me right then that he was the man I would marry. We went through a lot to get to this point. We lived apart for years he was going to a university where he lived and he would come to see me once a month for as much as he could stay, I was not able to go to see him because my father is very traditional and strict. I can''t begin to tell you how much we would cry when we had to say goodbye to eachother it was horrible. It was then we both realized that we had found our soulmates. We completed eachother and we were two halves that needed to be together. Then he decided to go to law school and he applied to law schools where I lived, he was accepted and thats when things started to get a little better, however now he had to go through law school which can be very difficult, time consuming and stressful. I was going through grad school as well and on top of everything he had he would always take care of me too. He would help me with those long and hard research papers and make sure I was always stress free and happy. Then the barr exam came along and my SO went through a heck of a lot because he wanted to pass it so bad on the first try. Perhaps he knew that if he did then we could finally get married someday. Well after many months of awaiting the results we learned that he had passed and thats when we were starting to feel less stressed and really happy. Unfortunately the same month he got sworn in to be an attorney his father passed away. He is an only child so it was a very difficult and sad time for him. I was always there for him and I took care of him as much as I could. He told me that I was the only thing that he needed to get through this.
My point of telling you this whole story is that you SO and you know what is in your hearts. There are no doubts just worries of being able to manage a family household. The most important thing that your SO and you must know is that you LOVE eachother, if you do then there are no doubts that you will be married someday. Marriage is a big package it comes with lots of loving, sharing, caring and sacrifice. I wish you the best of luck and that all your dreams come true!