Help – my DW is bringing out my family’s issues!!! LONG

[JessaJS]

I am planning a DW for late 2007 and have been running into issues with my family in determining the dates and budget.
I have four sets of parents that I have been trying to accommodate and after last night, I may not care to do that anymore.
Here’s a quick back story – my parents were 18 when they had me and were divorced by the time they were 19. My mom remarried and was with my stepdad for 15 years, most of my childhood. They split up a couple years ago and my mom has since remarried again. Both my dad and stepdad have serious girlfriends. So, when you include my FIL’s, I have 4 sets of parents.
None of my parents have given us a concrete idea of what they will contribute to the wedding. They gave us a number but are since waffling on that, due to us having a DW and there being added costs there for them to join.
I sent out an e-mail to all of my parents yesterday letting them know that we’ve narrowed the dates down to two possibilities and that I needed them to let me know about the contributions, as we need to get a budget together soon. (We’ve been trying to get the budget straight for 4 moths already). I said in the e-mail that I knew that our having the wedding in Mexico added a financial burden to them all and that I understood that. I said we would love for them all to come with us, but if it was too much of a strain, that we would understand. In my opinion, nothing too controversial about that. I was simply letting everyone know that we didn’t want to make this day a bigger burden on them if they couldn’t afford it.
Last night, my dad’s girlfriend calls me and lets me know she was highly offended by the e-mail. I ask why? She lets me know that we must have been raised differently because she would never even consider getting married without her parents there. I indicated to her that I of course wanted my parents there, but was trying to let everyone know we wouldn’t make an issue of it if they decided they couldn’t make it. I continued to listen to her berate me about how she would never dream of getting married without her parents, etc. etc. etc. Mind you, this is coming from my dad’s girlfriend, and when I spoke with my dad he let me know that we shouldn’t do the wedding in November or December, because he would be hunting. Nice, huh? I listen to her going on and am being nice and letting it slide until she lets me know that my dad will be getting a cell phone soon and I should communicate with him through that, as she would have nothing to do with me from here on out. With that, I flipped out. I asked her who in the h ell she thought she was and told her to screw off and hung up on her.
My dad called back later and basically said they were offended by the e-mail. I apologized and let him know that wasn’t my intent at all, I was simply trying to be NICE and keep all of my EIGHT parents happy!!! I asked him how he thought it made me feel when he said he’d be hunting if we planned the wedding in November? He said that was a misunderstanding. Well, of course it was, I understand that. But wasn’t the situation with dad’s gf a misunderstanding? Well, even after explaining it to her, I still got yelled at and berated.
I don’t want to let this woman drive a wedge between my dad and I, but I refuse to speak with her until I get some semblance of an apology. Am I being hard headed on that? I was SO shocked by the phone call and bawled all night!!
Help – my DW is bringing out my family’s issues!!!

 

[appletini]

I''m so sorry to hear of your family troubles. But you will never be able to please everyone, so you should just do what you want. As for your father''s girlfriend, I would say don''t invite her, and she is definitely not worthy of becoming a future step-mother. If your dad is going to let her manipulate him, then I tihnk you shouldn''t include him either. Perhaps that will get his attention and he''ll realize that he''s missing out on a once in a lifetime opportunity. And hello, who doesn''t want an excuse for a Mexican vacation. This is your wedding, and you and your FI should be surrounded by people who love you, support you, and genuinely want to be there. Don''t feel obligated to invite certain people. Also with your wedding date over a year away that is plently of time for people to save money to attend. You can always elope, or just have something really small. Just remember this, its not where you are, its who you are with.

I had a falling out with one of my uncles a few months before I got engaged. My grandmother kept trying to get me to invite him to our wedding, just to make herself feel better about everything, and she said he wouldn''t come anyway. I stood my ground my ground, and told her no, and that weddings are happy occasions to be shared with people that we want to be with.

 

[JessaJS]

I agree.
It''s just so sad to me that my dad will let her talk to me like that, especially when I was only trying to make things easier on everyone.

I was feeling bad for wanting to have the day be the way that I want it, but I just need to get over that. It''s the one day that should be about "me" and those that I love. If they can''t be happy or respectful of that, then I don''t want them there.

I appreciate your advice, Thank you!!! (Oh - and thanks for letting me vent a bit with that long original post!)

 

[decodelighted]

I think Dad''s girlfriend is J E A L O U S ... and that SHE wants to get married ... and sees YOUR wedding as taking $$ from HER future wedding plans.

I don''t believe that people "let" each other talk to people in a certain way. Your dad can''t really control her - especially if he wasn''t around. Be relieved that you don''t have to talk to her anymore. Didn''t seem like it would be too helpful in the long run ANYWAY (not like her personality is gonna change overnight).

GOOD LUCK ... weddings bring out family stuff NO MATTER WHAT. Stick around this forum & you def def won''t feel alone!

 

[JessaJS]

OMG - I just found out from my cousin (called her to let her know about all the drama) that my dad''s GF has been cheating on him and apparently he stays with her anyway??? WTF - how is she going to comment on "I don''t know how you were raised, but.." when she can''t even respect the boundaries of monagamy and treat my dad well? AAAACK!!! I don''t know if I should call her out on it or not. I think I''m going to take the weekend to think about it.
Ok - thank the lord that she''s not family......!!!

 

[firebirdgold]

You gotta be joking?! No freaking way is she going to be invited to your wedding, right? Guess there''s something to be said for using your dad''s cell and never talking to that witch again!!

 

[galeteia]

Date: 8/4/2006 2:10:42 PM
Author: JessaJS
OMG - I just found out from my cousin (called her to let her know about all the drama) that my dad''s GF has been cheating on him and apparently he stays with her anyway??? WTF - how is she going to comment on ''I don''t know how you were raised, but..'' when she can''t even respect the boundaries of monagamy and treat my dad well? AAAACK!!! I don''t know if I should call her out on it or not. I think I''m going to take the weekend to think about it.
Ok - thank the lord that she''s not family......!!!

I''m at a loss for words. Nothing like a having a known adulterer at your wedding as you swear sacred vows of monogamy.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

You were completely justified in telling her to screw off. I hope you never have to see her again. As for cheating on your dad, I don''t know. He might not like to hear that from his daughter, and it sounds like he already knows (since you said he stays with her anyway.) My point is screw it...this is your wedding, do what you and your FI want. If your parents can''t find the means to support you by being there, the only issue will be that others will see they chose not to support their daughter on her wedding day. Don''t take on your dad''s drama with his cheating jealous girlfriend. Enjoy your wedding!

 

[Tybee]

Oh Honey,

That last piece of information just cinched it. I wouldn''t worry about her for a second. She''s not invited to your wedding-- that''s all. You don''t need to talk to her or even recognize her existance.
You absolutely don''t need to take personally anything that she said to you on the phone. She isn''t worth thinking about.
Now your dad, that''s different. He is worth thinking about. Communicate with him, soley, and don''t hold him responsible for any of her actions. If he knows that she is cheating, he''s got himself stuck in a codependent relationship, and things on that front are probably not very good.

Big hug. Plan the wedding of your dreams. Mexico will be lovely. Surround yourself with people who love you and who are happy to see that you''re in love.

 

[JessaJS]

A quick thanks to you all - I really appreciate the support!!
The PS girls are so nice - I''m sooooo glad I found this board!!! You all are the best!
PS - Haven''t talked to dad or his gf since the incident, but am feeling OK about the situation. It helps to have your support and the support of the rest of our family.
THANKS AGAIN!!!!

 

[Tybee]

I''m glad you are feeling better.
This really is a nice forum for sharing problems and getting excellent advice.
I don''t know what I would have done without Pricescope!

Hope things continue to go well.

Tybee

 

[codex57]

Glad you're feeling better. The guys on PS support you too. It's one big happy family here.

 

[Gypsy]

Glad you are feeling better. She never should have gotten involved-- opened her yap up where she shouldn''t have and well... got what she deserved. If your dad was offended HE should have contacted you. If she was offended-- she should have told him. She''s clearly the one with breeding problems-- and an adulterer to boot.