Help!! Am I old an crotchety or having doubts?

[feepy5]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We''ve been talking about getting married for the last year but have been waiting for him to finish grad school which he did in June. We custom designed a ring and I''m pretty sure he''s got it in his posession as it''s been about 2 months now. The whole ring design process was a nightmare with me changing my mind 600 times, us arguing about me changing my mind 600 times etc. The idea of getting engaged sort of lost it''s luster due to this proccess. Anyway, now that he''s graduated and working, the ring is I''m sure done and I''m finding myself not feeling very excited about getting engaged. I read the posts here about people being so sure they want to get married, have babies with their SO and wonder if I should be worried that I''m not over the moon at this point. Mind you, I''m 34, we''ve lived together for 2 years and in many ways are already like an old married couple. I''ve never been one of those girls who dreamed about her wedding day. Mostly I''ve analyzed weather or not I really want to get married when I look at most married women''s lives consisting of a harried existance of working full time at the office and at home with a husband that does very little to help. All of my friends/ coworkers that have been married for longer than a few years tell me "don''t get married!" I''m a nurse and I''ve had many elderly women who find out I''m not married tell me I''m smart. I own my own house, have money saved and invested and my SO does not. He has $60,000 in school loan debt and I find myself worried about joining my assets with his debt in case we get divorced one day. I''m very much a realist and wonder if this is what my problem is. I know that everyone is excited when they get engaged and no one thinks they will end up divorced but 50- 60% of us do. So when I think about getting married I think there''s no way of garaunteeing this will work out for the rest of my life. So is it the reality of that thought that keeps me from being ecxtatic about this or should I be questioning my desire to get married? What do the girls who are older, more experienced and over the honeymoon phases of their relationship think of this? Is everyone really this sure and excited to get engaged or are thoughts like mine at all normal?

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I had to click on this post because I often refer to myself as "old and crotchety", so if nothing else, I can relate to you there

Only you can know if you''re having a normal case of mildly cold feet or of these are real fears. I''ve only been married a year, though we''ve been dating for nearly 9 years and living together about 8. Though I am the one who pushed to get married, it is also me who had the harder time adjusting to marriage. About six months ago I went through a period where I had sometimes wished we''d just lived together permanently forever...in some ways I felt suffocated by the "role" of a wife. I basically got over it because I was being an idiot, but my point is that it wasn''t easy. Marriage doesn''t make any issue go away, it just brings your issues to the forefront even MORE than when you were dating. So if you''re having some issues now, address them (yourselves or in couples counseling) BEFORE getting engaged.

Also, I would seriously consider a pre-nup if I were you. I know that this conjures up strong feelings, but the truth is that nearly all financial planners will tell you NOT to marry when one person still has debt. It leads to problems. When I married my DH, he had more assets than I do and I suggested a pre-nup for him because I wanted the marriage to be completely separate (legally) from either of our assets. He declined, so we don''t have one, but I still think they are smart when two people are coming into the marriage with very different financial places. It''s not selfish of you to protect what you have, nor is it selfish of you to expect him to pay the debt he has taken on--it was his decision. If you think he might have a problem managing his money, well that''s a whole other story and I''d suggest seeing a financial counselor.

Sorry I can''t be more helpful, the whole process of getting engaged (even when it hasn''t happened yet) is a catalyst for analyzing your future and doing some self-reflecting. I think it''s actually healthy that you''re able to look at the big picture of the relatoinship and not just focus on the ring or a wedding.

 

[jcarlylew]

all this aside...

why did you orginally talk about getting married with your SO? What made you two decide to get married?

 

[feepy5]

I''ve brought up a prenup in the past, jokingly and it didn''t go well. He thinks it''s stupid since I''m not "Leona Helsmsly" and points out that his salary is higher than mine with a much higher earning potential (I''m an RN, he just finished an MBA). He points out that once we''re married I''m going to benefit from his MBA earnings which he''s more than happy to share with me. I understand what he''s saying but it just seems smart to be realistic about the messiness of divorce. I don''t think he realizes that pre nups legally have to be fair and that all I want to do is protect my pre mairrage assets/ retirement/ potential inheritance. I think anything we accrue together from the start of our mairrage is subject to being split should we end up divorced. It seems this topic is out of the question for him and I don''t even know how to bring it up to be able to have a calm serious discussion about it. BTW thank you for sharing your experience, and post wedding doubts. I''ve read some posts here that make me realize others have cold feet too. I also noticed most people posting here are in their early to mid 20s so I do think there''s a bit of older, wiser and more crotchety fueling my thought process! Marriage is scary and it''s not about the fantasy or the ring or the dress. It''s hard work, it has ups and downs and I think you''re right about it forcing you to examine things. It''s much easier when you''re daydreaming about Mr Right, your 2.5 kids and the white picket fence then to actually live the reality of marriage. I wish more people were honest about that!

Date: 9/10/2008 4:19:22 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
I had to click on this post because I often refer to myself as ''old and crotchety'', so if nothing else, I can relate to you there

Only you can know if you''re having a normal case of mildly cold feet or of these are real fears. I''ve only been married a year, though we''ve been dating for nearly 9 years and living together about 8. Though I am the one who pushed to get married, it is also me who had the harder time adjusting to marriage. About six months ago I went through a period where I had sometimes wished we''d just lived together permanently forever...in some ways I felt suffocated by the ''role'' of a wife. I basically got over it because I was being an idiot, but my point is that it wasn''t easy. Marriage doesn''t make any issue go away, it just brings your issues to the forefront even MORE than when you were dating. So if you''re having some issues now, address them (yourselves or in couples counseling) BEFORE getting engaged.

Also, I would seriously consider a pre-nup if I were you. I know that this conjures up strong feelings, but the truth is that nearly all financial planners will tell you NOT to marry when one person still has debt. It leads to problems. When I married my DH, he had more assets than I do and I suggested a pre-nup for him because I wanted the marriage to be completely separate (legally) from either of our assets. He declined, so we don''t have one, but I still think they are smart when two people are coming into the marriage with very different financial places. It''s not selfish of you to protect what you have, nor is it selfish of you to expect him to pay the debt he has taken on--it was his decision. If you think he might have a problem managing his money, well that''s a whole other story and I''d suggest seeing a financial counselor.

Sorry I can''t be more helpful, the whole process of getting engaged (even when it hasn''t happened yet) is a catalyst for analyzing your future and doing some self-reflecting. I think it''s actually healthy that you''re able to look at the big picture of the relatoinship and not just focus on the ring or a wedding.

 

[jcarlylew]

feepy- check the local laws on what marriage/divorce and prenup standards are. my boyf wanted one before hand, until he realized that it would cost more than what we own to get a lawyer to draw one up. Also, the only thing we''d be fighting over is debt,and the dog!

Also, at least here in washington (after i talked to a paralegal who handles divorce

) she told me that most inharentances and money made before the marriage is YOUR money. its the money that is made during the marriage that can be split.

i hope that you are just getting cold feet, becuase you are FAR to young to be crotchety!

again i ask though, why did you two want to get married in the first place? what drew you to it? maybe going back over those ideas might respark something for you?

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Feepy, you both sound like grounded, intelligent people and it sounds like while the whole idea of a pre-nup could further be flushed out (if you did want to protect the assets you have before getting married), at least you''re communicating about it. I think that relationships where you can openly communicate about any topic, especialy the sensitive ones, tend to thrive even through the "down" times. It''s when you shut down and stop wanting to talk about these issues that''s bad

I agree with JCarly that you might want to examine all the reasons you decided marriage with him was right for you--were you over the moon at that point? If you were, what has changed since? How long have you felt unexcited about the proposal? Was it really about the stress of designing the ring or is it more--do you feel that in stressful times you guys argue and don''t work together and that''s the issue?

 

[FrekeChild]

FYI 50-60% of us will NOT get divorced. The so-called divorce rate in incredibly hard to measure, so anyone''s best guess is around 40-45%. And those who marry, divorce and then marry and divorce again and again are bumping that number up a lot.

 

[vita*dolce]

i think that thoughts like yours are definitely normal. i sometimes feel the same way. i think that a lot of young couples have incredibly unrealistic expectations about what marriage will be like, and idealistically think that their marriages will be different.

what you''re considering is that marriage is not a fairy tale, and that it will be hard, and that it is possible that your relationship will not be strong enough to survive something so trying. you should be thinking about these things!! you are right to consider finances, assets, and everything else when you decide to make this commitment, because it is a LEGAL commitment. you should think about all of the possible issues before you get engaged and then decide if you want to married to this man. if you get engaged, it should be because you love him and you choose to make this commitment, KNOWING that it will be hard, but also knowing that you want to face those hardships together.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

You''re 32. You''ve had 32 years of freedom, 32 years of having your own life with your own things and only you to worry about. Even living with someone doesn''t even begin to touch being legally married. So understandably you''re probably feeling a lot of different emotions--confusion, worry, cold feet. Its totally normal...you''re absolutely not old and crotchety...and you''re probably not having doubts either...you''re preparing yourself for a HUGE life change, and feeling the effects.

Pre-nups, weither you''re interested or not, can stand to protect more than just your money and things. They can create a huge ammount of security for both people, in case the worst comes knocking. However, I do not have one---and cannot speak of the true benefits. My husband and I are both successful, and although his earning potential tops mine--I came to the table with lots of things and no debt whatsoever. My husband was totally open to drawing up a pre-nup, however, I was absolutely not. Not because I didn''t want to protect myself...but because I love him more than my things and believe in him, too. I married a man I knew well enough to know he wouldn''t want me to suffer, even if things went bad. His character wouldn''t allow that. And I likewise would never wish any hardships upon him. We, together, were building a life---I knew going into it that we''d have things, lose things, get things and give things away...so why would I rink jinxing myself and my marriage over my SUV, 401k and condo profit? If my marriage were to end, I''d have bigger things to worry about than those material things. So consider the fact that as of today, you haven''t earned even a quater of what you will amass over your lifetime...so in the big picture, is upsetting him worth protecting what you have? Or do you trust him enough to know he wouldn''t leave you high and dry?

Whatever you decide...I wish you happiness and contentment.

 

[trillionaire]

first, his school debt is his own. Only joint debt (like joint cards, mortgages, loans) are yours to share, FYI. If you divorce, the loans are his problem. I am not quite your age, but I have been dating SO for 5 yrs. I would say a little ebbing and flowing of "do I, don''t I" feelings are normal. If that is your prevailing feeling, that might be something else. Maybe you two just need a relaxing getaway!

 

[feepy5]

Thanks for all your support! I was over the moon about getting married/ engaged etc when it was still something we were talking about/ planning. It''s just been such a long drawn out process with me sort of pushing for him to move forward with the relationship for a long time, then the whole ring designing process from hell. There were a few fights along the way, etc and I think I''m just over it, sort of like the brides in Bridezillas (if anyone watches that). I think it''s the just the entire planning and waiting process that I''m just done with! I do love him and he makes me laugh and shares in my old and crotchety ways. I think now that it''s really happening I''m starting to freak out and worry about things that just come with being together a long time especially when I think about putting up with them for a lifetime ie. His clutter and refusal to ever throw anything away, the freedom he feels he has to release gas anytime he pleases, the slowing down of our sex life. Admittedly, I''m a neurotic clean freak and maybe have ridiculous standards!

Anyway, he is a typical boy, watches football all the time, leaves his shoes lying all over the place, has a different standard of clean, the usual things that drive us girls crazy and really those are the things that are freaking me out. Despite that, He helps me out around the house though when I ask, does dishes, empties the dishwasher, does laundry, cooks dinner for us when I''m working. He makes me laugh, makes breakfast on the weekends and is this great mix of cute and handsome with big cheeks that I love to smooch.

With regard to a prenup, I do trust him but divorce makes people bitter and not care about what happens to the other person. What if he cheats one day, what if I cheat, how generous are we going to be feeling towards each other then? I think a prenup, as unromantic as it may seem can leave you both better off in the end since you sit down and work it out together during a time when you do love and care about each other. It''s not that I''m worried about my material things, it''s my ability to take care of myself during my retirement years that I''m concerned with. If a divorce leads to half of my retirement savings, condo equity etc being taken, my retirement would be taken away with that as well. I don''t want to be working when I''m 75 because I can''t afford to retire due to a divorce where I lost everything. I know a lot of you may think I''m being unromantic and dooming the marriage with all this talk of cheating and such, but you just never know what''s going to happen. I believe in being prepared for the worst just in case, but hoping for the best. I''ve seen too many marriages end in divorce to not see that it can happen to anyone. I work with a woman who after 35 years of marriage, her husband left her and took half of her retirement savings because he had none (worked for himself for the duration of their marriage and never had a retirement plan). I just don''t want to ever be put in that situation.

 

[jcarlylew]

style="WIDTH: 100.64%; HEIGHT: 215px">Date: 9/11/2008 2:24:26 AM
Author: feepy5
Thanks for all your support! I was over the moon about getting married/ engaged etc when it was still something we were talking about/ planning. It''s just been such a long drawn out process with me sort of pushing for him to move forward with the relationship for a long time, then the whole ring designing process from hell. There were a few fights along the way, etc and I think I''m just over it, sort of like the brides in Bridezillas (if anyone watches that). I think it''s the just the entire planning and waiting process that I''m just done with! I do love him and he makes me laugh and shares in my old and crotchety ways. I think now that it''s really happening I''m starting to freak out and worry about things that just come with being together a long time especially when I think about putting up with them for a lifetime ie. His clutter and refusal to ever throw anything away, the freedom he feels he has to release gas anytime he pleases, the slowing down of our sex life. Admittedly, I''m a neurotic clean freak and maybe have ridiculous standards!

Anyway, he is a typical boy, watches football all the time, leaves his shoes lying all over the place, has a different standard of clean, the usual things that drive us girls crazy and really those are the things that are freaking me out. Despite that, He helps me out around the house though when I ask, does dishes, empties the dishwasher, does laundry, cooks dinner for us when I''m working. He makes me laugh, makes breakfast on the weekends and is this great mix of cute and handsome with big cheeks that I love to smooch.

I''m glad you can bring yourself back to remembering all this. Even with the idea of a prenup looming over you, if you can focus on the good, i think a lot of the worry/stress will go away. and yes, my man farts when he pleases, and i threaten his pretty little face EVERY TIME. soon enough i''ll be saying "to the moon" while shaking my fist LOL

.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

It''s true that you''ll have bigger things to worry about if you ever get a divorce, which is why a prenup can be helpful. You have the luxury of boohooing over your failed marriage instead of worrying about your retirement portfolio, your car, the house, the dog, etc. - with a pre-nup, it''s all been taken care of.


I have finally come to terms with having a pre-nup, but I will admit that up to a few months ago, the idea infuriated me. The thought of my bf asking me for one in the future made me feel like, "if he does that, then it means he doesn''t trust me or he thinks I could actually be the type of woman to take everything, etc" Now I''m thinking that it''s a good idea for peace of mind so that you can focus on the relationship in hard times instead of immediately going to damage control and worrying about covering yourself in the event of a divorce.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

oh and to the OP, I''m 28, and I have had moments of doubt. Days when I ask myself, "Is this really what it is going to be like? Will I have to listen to this same boring conversation for the next 30 years? Will he really never clean the toilet? Is he always going to make me wait until the next town to use the bathroom?

"

But then I remember how much I love him

 

[Independent Gal]

These days, it does seem like a lot of the BIW are younger. A year or so ago there were a lot of us old crotchety types around who never thought about a wedding until they had to and thought a lot more about the stuff you're referring to. ALL my friends in their early 30's who have got married (including me) went through exactly what you're going through and had exactly the same thoughts and concerns. In fact, I just got off the phone with my BFF who is engaged and we basically had the conversation you're bringing up in this thread.

It's totally normal, once you establish a life for yourself, modes of doing things, a sense of control over your finances, your time, your destiny and even over what goes on your dinner plate to be totally freaked at the idea of ending up that harried wife who has to do EVERYTHING and is constantly frustrated and annoyed.

I spent a lot of time before I got engaged, and some time after worrying about this too.

And you know what? It's worth worrying about! But being married (so far) is totally worth it, at least for me.

I guess all I can tell you is: make sure that expectations are 100% clear, and that your future DH understands how seriously you take those expectations (about things like sharing chores, possible childcare if you want kids, etc.). And get some pre-marital counseling. You can, by the way, write a contract together for the two of you outlining your expectations. While it need not be binding and is easily revisable, at least there's a clear demarcation of what's what.

So, yeah, your fears are totally normal among us crotchety old ladies who couldn't give a cr@p about wedding nonsense and are more concerned with whether our great lives will be better or worse once we're married.

I've had to give up a lot, but I LOVE being married to DH, and for me, so far, it's been worth it.