HELP! BF and i need help merging xmas traditions

[sunnyd]

 

[Pandora II]

FI and I do Xmas at my parents one year and his the next - we're both in our 30's, but all the parents's would be upset if we did our own thing at xmas and didn't see them.

Probably parents on one side will have to compromise over present opening time, or one of you will.

FI's parents are divorced and remarried, so when we are at theirs, we go to his Dad's for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning and then his mother's for Christmas lunch and Boxing Day.

Personally I think it's nuts to do something seperately - I mean, if you are in a permanent relationship thing's have to change at some point!

 

[mirre]

I don''t know how well this would go over but you could stay at his parents'' the night before, as tradition goes, since you said you didn''t mind doing that anyway. And maybe asking him, I wouldn''t ask them yet, if you could all open ONE present that night before dinner or bed and then in the morning you and your BF could stay long enough for each person to open a gift then head over to your parents and open with them and have brunch.

If the opening a present the night before doesn''t work you could just wait for everyone to open one or two the day of and then head to your parents'' house.

 

[Picos]

Yikes, it seems like a tought one. We always split time at the families based on whats i''mportant to each family. That and we switch off. Last year, we stayed with my parents ''till about midday & then went over to my fiance''s. The year before that, it was the other way around.

I guess it works because each of the families are laid back & not like "you''d better be here or ELSE".

One year we "did our own thing" and my parents called me up and wanted to know if they could stop by! They came over for a an hour or so. Even if we do our own thing, we still go to the parents'' houses during the holiday season for a day & a half.

This year, we''re spending Christmas at fiance''s family since my family will be out of town (with everyone''s "extended" relatives). We''re going to have Christmas with them the weekend before Christmas.

 

[mimzy]

i can definitely relate to this.

my FF is VERY close with his family, and up until this past thanksgiving had pretty much refused to give into any of my holiday time requests if they interfered with what his family usually did. It was actually a really big deal for us, because he would insist that i just didn't understand how important it was to his family that he be there because holidays aren't "as important" in my family (my parents are divorced and we haven't had any 'traditions' that haven't changed in the past ten years). it took A LOT of discussion before he agreed to come to florida for thanksgiving this year with us.....but he was glad that he did afterward.

i think that you should sit down with him and talk about the bigger implications of his desire to not break his family's tradition: in other words, does that mean that you will either A)never spend another christmas morning with your family or B)never spend christmas morning together? that's ridiculous! you really need to be firm in the fact that it has to be fair to both of you.

Maybe if his family can wake up a half hour early and your family start a half hour late, then you can sleep and do a few gifts at his house then go to yours and catch the end of gifts and have brunch with them. if his family isn't okay with changing the time at all, they should be informed that will cause you to spend less time with them: people are usually more flexible after they realize the consequences of being so rigid - especially if it involves a son or brother not being there on christmas

i hate breaking tradition too, but after one or two years, it isn't a big deal AT ALL. it's just the initial disappointment that is hard to get over sometimes.

 

[mintve]

I feel your pain and it gets even tougher as the family grows and moves. My parents are divorced and both are re-married. So, I also have step families. Then, my two sisters are married both of whom have small children and one of whom lives in another state. My BF''s family all live about 2 hours from where I live and they have shared custody with some of their kids, so those nieces and nephews have to split their time as well. It gets really complicated, but we manage to turn x-mas into a week or 2 week long celebration. we determine where we will be on xmas morning. Then, either the days before or x-mas eve and the days after all turn into an extended xmas with different parts of the family. In fact, one of our biggest traditions has turned into moving our biggest family holiday celebration into the New year''s eve dates. We''ve been able to adapt and its kind of nice b/c the holiday season lasts even longer now and all the christmas build up does not end on christmas day !!!

so, perhaps, one of the families would be interested in shifting the tradition, or as others mentioned, you may have to switch families each year, until you have your own children. Then, it would make sense to start your own tradition and have the family over to your house.

Good luck!!

 

[sunnyd]

thanks guys for the suggestions.

pandora, that''s what i thought too - it IS stupid!!! i want to tell him to grow up without sounding like a biotch. hehe!

mirre, i suggested something like that to him, but he wanted to see everyone open their gifts from him and knew they would want to see him open gifts from the fam.

mimzy, i never thought about the bigger implications...he is being a tad unreasonable.

he wanted to spend the night there, open some, then have me go over to my parents'' house alone so he could finish at his house, then we''d just meet up when his family came over to my family''s!! oh no no sir!! arg, now i''m frustrated.

all i''m askin is to be able to split time between both houses but stay together!!

i should clarify what i meant by ''doing our own thing'' - i want to sleep at my own place (especially since we have 2 cats to feed in the morning!), wake up together, then go ... somewhere. i haven''t thought that far yet.

hehe, now i''m all fired up to talk to him about it!!! wish me luck!

 

[Pandora II]

Time to untie those apron strings I think.

Good luck!

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 11/27/2007 7:23:21 PM
Author: Pandora II
Time to untie those apron strings I think.

Good luck!

lol, indeed.

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, I don''t know that I can be that much help since FI is going home to his parents for xmas, and I''m going to Peru! But I guess alternating is the fairest solution.

 

[KimberlyH]

My husband''s family are all deceased, so my family/parents win every year with us, which makes me quite sad actually. If my in-laws were alive we would trade off years. My husband''s psuedo-family celebrates on Christmas Eve, we skipped last year to be with my family, who live a 2.5 hour car trip away, this year we will be with them when they celebrate and then with my parents Christmas night. I think our tradition will be to have non-traditional holidays due to my dad''s job, the potential for us having children of our own,etc. Like all things relationship-related, this is about compromise. You both need to bend and accomodate. Family is tough water to navigate.

 

[laine]

I''ll be the voice of dissent here. While you guys will eventually have to come up with a compromise, why does it have to be now? You say its your first xmas together, and that you''re living together. So unless I''m misunderstanding, this is a fairly new relationship thats also moving fairly fast, and I''m guessing you''ve had other compromises and things to deal with thus far. Christmas is the big one for most people, and it seems like its an especially big one for him. So, I''d say let it go this year--do your own thing for the two of you at home xmas eve--make it special, then on xmas, go do the family thing and meet up in the evening.

My BF and I (3 years together, living together for one, and I''m 2 have yet to spend a Christmas together and right now, thats ok. We do our own thing together before xmas, then go do the family thing on our own. Our families are 4-5 hours apart, so there is no way to combine them on the actual day, and its important to both families and to us that we be home. (We do split the other holidays and spend them together, its just xmas thats the big one that we haven''t broken tradition on yet)

While it can''t go on forever, I don''t think there is anything wrong with doing things separately this year. He''s not quite ready to change tradition, and thats ok. It''s not nuts and doesn''t mean anything is wrong with you as a couple. I would maybe agree now that you''ll spend next year together, so he can think about what parts of xmas are most important so you guys can compromise.

 

[Delster]

BF and I each spend Christmas with our own families and then we spend New Year''s Eve together. We will keep doing it this way until we get married. Ireland is small but splitting Christmas between two houses isn''t really feasible if you''re not very close by. It''s at last a six hour drive between our families'' homes and we don''t grit the roads over here, even when it''s icy...

It''s just not safe to drive around Christmas! Actually, the roads are deserted in Ireland at Christmas time, it''s very peaceful. But I digress...

Some friends of ours a few years ago made an agreement to alternate Christmas between his and her families. It worked fine the first year (at her family''s) and then the second year she couldn''t bear to go through with the switch. She said that because she has younger siblings, and a nephew, she couldn''t possibly be apart from them at Christmas. As a result, he hasn''t spent a Christmas with his family in four years. They didn''t really think it all through...

I don''t think that''ll happen to you though, it sounds like you''re considering all the options and weighing everything carefully. Wishing you luck and hoping it all works out in a way that keeps everyone content!

 

[sunnyd]

thank you all for your opinions. we talked about it last night, and came up with a solution that works perfectly for us. we spend xmas eve at his parents'', stay there for a couple hours in the morning, then both go to my parents'' for a couple hours and brunch. next year we''ll reverse the order. everybody''s happy! yay!!

i guess we''re lucky in the sense that both families live 3 minutes apart and are friends to boot!!

lol on a side note - has anyone ever been all ready to duke it out then been disappointed when it didn''t happen?? i thought the discussion was gonna be a long one, but it took about 40 seconds. ah how i love this man...

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 11/28/2007 11:27:09 AM
Author: sunnyd
thank you all for your opinions. we talked about it last night, and came up with a solution that works perfectly for us. we spend xmas eve at his parents'', stay there for a couple hours in the morning, then both go to my parents'' for a couple hours and brunch. next year we''ll reverse the order. everybody''s happy! yay!!

i guess we''re lucky in the sense that both families live 3 minutes apart and are friends to boot!!

lol on a side note - has anyone ever been all ready to duke it out then been disappointed when it didn''t happen?? i thought the discussion was gonna be a long one, but it took about 40 seconds. ah how i love this man...

Lol, always - though I''m starting to learn.

FI is always up for the proper adult discussion. I dated so many ''wrong men'' in my time that I still have to psych myself up for a ''we need to talk'' scenario.

He just thinks it''s funny - he can spot my psyching up a mile off before I even get to the ''we need to talk bit'' - and just says he wishes I would stop beating my self up and stressing about things!