Help! FMIL getting in the way of wedding planning.

[CrownJewel]

I'm just feeling so sad about the wedding. My fiance is very close with his mother and his mother thinks having a wedding is a waste of money. I personally want to have a wedding. We've been engaged since November 2006 but I've put off wedding planning because he is in business school. His mother is usually a very nice person, but treats him like a baby. But I can understand that.

For the past two weeks, I finally started planning my wedding because now I know when his exams end and when summer internships are supposed to start for him. Internships start in June and he doesn't know when they end. Exams end May 7, 2008 so I think any Saturday or Sunday after that date in May would be perfect. We have a few sites lined up to go see this weekend and next weekend.

Since his mom insists on having two hour long conversations with him at least 2 or 3 times a week, he told her about our plans for this weekend. After he got off the phone with him, he told me "my mom says we can't have our wedding in May because that's when her allergies are the worst and she leaves NY." I immediately wanted to scream, but I always said to myself, "my wedding will not be a source of stress and I will never be a bridezilla." Despite that, I said to him, "well it's my wedding and she can fly back for the day because I'm not going to put off my wedding for another year just because of her allergies." Now that I'm a little calmer, there is another alternative, although it is not so stable...if he finishes his internship in late August and classes start again in the first week of September, we could try to have the wedding during the last week of August. But everyone in the world and their dogs know that I hate hot weather and would never want to have my wedding at the peak of summer.

So what do I do? Stand firm and ask FMIL to deal with her spring allergies or be accomodating and have my wedding at a time when I least want to have it? Let me just reiterate how much I hate summer. I get sick. I get nauseous and whiny. I hate summer. I figured that May could also be hot, but it's much less intense heat than in August!!! Ideally we'd have our wedding in the fall, but that won't work out with my fiance's school schedule.

I know it's supposed to be about what my fiance and I want, but I do feel badly that her allergies are so bad. I have bad seasonal allergies too, but I take medications and I'm fine. She takes medications and still feels miserable. But I can't take medications to deal with August. Am I being completely selfish?

 

[mimzy]

I think it is pretty out of line for your FMIL to tell you you can''t have your wedding in a certain month because of her allergies. with that being said, maybe there''s a good chance that based on what you said about her attitude about the wedding is that she will find something wrong with any and every possible date that you bring up.

maybe you could offer to go back to her allergist with her and maybe try a new medication or something (i know it took me years to find an allergy med that worked well!). I would stand firm in the date, but do what you can to show her that you are trying to be as caring and accommodating as possible, and let her know that if there was another feasible date/month then you would have changed it, but there just isn''t another one that works (august is clearly out because of your susceptibility to heatstroke!)

 

[oobiecoo]

Would it be possible to have the wedding during spring break? You could always honeymoon later if that is an issue. Her allergies wouldn''t be bad and it wouldn''t be too hot. If not, I''d stick with May.

 

[KimberlyH]

It sounds like your issues with her are much deeper than a wedding date. You said: "Since his mom insists on having two hour long conversations with him at least 2 or 3 times a week..." He is an adult and she can insist all she wants, but if he doesnt want to talk to her he can choose not to answer the phone, cut the conversation short, etc. Sounds like there''s a lot more upset on your part then a few phone calls a week. How involved his family is and will be in your life is a conversation the two of you should have sooner rather than later as it sounds like you have very different ideas about what is normal and acceptable and set some boundaries, together, accordingly.

As for the wedding date the two of you should pick a date together and he should present it to her, no asking involved. But again, you have to be united in this decision or you''ll end up exactly where you are now, frustrated and feeling like he''s placed his mom''s wants and needs ahead of yours.

 

[Sabine]

I agree that it should but up to the two of you, and that your FMIL is being selfish and will probably try to come up with a problem with any date you pick. That being said, if you decide that it is important to consider her imput, you do have other alternatives to consider. As a teacher and grad. student I understand how much more convenient it would be to have the wedding during a school break, but if there''s one surprising thing I''ve learned about wedding planning so far, it''s that people can be surprisingly understanding about needing time off for a wedding. Although it would not be IDEAL, you could probably have the wedding any time you really wanted to (fall included) if your FI could take a day or two off from classes or his internship (I know it''s scary asking for time off when you are not in a position of power, but as I said, people might surprise you with how understanding they are) and you could take the honeymoon later.

 

[Sha]

Date: 9/22/2007 9:33:20 AM
Author: KimberlyH
It sounds like your issues with her are much deeper than a wedding date. You said: ''Since his mom insists on having two hour long conversations with him at least 2 or 3 times a week...'' He is an adult and she can insist all she wants, but if he doesnt want to talk to her he can choose not to answer the phone, cut the conversation short, etc. Sounds like there''s a lot more upset on your part then a few phone calls a week. How involved his family is and will be in your life is a conversation the two of you should have sooner rather than later as it sounds like you have very different ideas about what is normal and acceptable and set some boundaries, together, accordingly.


As for the wedding date the two of you should pick a date together and he should present it to her, no asking involved. But again, you have to be united in this decision or you''ll end up exactly where you are now, frustrated and feeling like he''s placed his mom''s wants and needs ahead of yours.

Ditto. Sounds like he''s not preventing her from being so involved in his life. Are you going to be comfortable with this level of involvement when you do get married?

Something like this can be a big issue. I have a friend who split from her FI because she thought he was a mama''s boy, who couldn''t stand up to his mother, and she resented the mother''s inclusion into everything they did. I agree that this is something you both need to discuss, if you haven''t already.

 

[Independent Gal]

I also think it''s a little unhealthy and odd that she''s spending 4-6 hours a week on the phone with her grown son. Her date hedging is probably an expression of her fears about losing her son to you. I can totally understand that, but she needs to confront it and deal with it. BTW, get yourself a copy of "Emotionally Engaged" : it really, really helps in explaining peoples'' weird wedding behaviour.

Can''t she plan her travel around something as important as her son''s wedding?

Set the date when you want it and send her some Claritin with her invitation. She needs to start getting used to the fact that from now on, the main woman in her son''s life is going to be you, and the family you are forming together is going to be where his primary loyalty goes. I''m not sure how this is done, but I''m guessing your FI should have some long talks with her or something? If she doesn''t begin to let go and realize this, you''re looking at a life of trouble!

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 9/22/2007 9:54:27 AM
Author: Independent Gal
I also think it''s a little unhealthy and odd that she''s spending 4-6 hours a week on the phone with her grown son. Her date hedging is probably an expression of her fears about losing her son to you. I can totally understand that, but she needs to confront it and deal with it. BTW, get yourself a copy of ''Emotionally Engaged'' : it really, really helps in explaining peoples'' weird wedding behaviour.

Can''t she plan her travel around something as important as her son''s wedding?

Set the date when you want it and send her some Claritin with her invitation. She needs to start getting used to the fact that from now on, the main woman in her son''s life is going to be you, and the family you are forming together is going to be where his primary loyalty goes. I''m not sure how this is done, but I''m guessing your FI should have some long talks with her or something? If she doesn''t begin to let go and realize this, you''re looking at a life of trouble!

This where the whole fiiguring out what works for you comes into play. Between email and phone calls I spend about 4-6 hours a week communicating with my mom. If my DH told me he felt this was excessive we''d have a problem. Circumstances also come into play. When I met DH he was his mom''s car giver (they were the only 2 people living in his family, now it''s just him). He spent about 4-6 hours a day at her house working for himself and running errands for her (she was elderly and had Alzheimer''s). For some women this arrangement wouldn''t have been acceptable. For me it was a-okay. The two of them need to figure out what works for them, and it might not be what would work for you or for me.

 

[CrownJewel]

Thank you for the advice everyone.

You ladies brought up the very important issue of her involvement in his/our lives. It was something I was conflicted with a long time ago (we''ve been together for 7 years) because my parents pretty much let me do what I want and learn from my own mistakes. I thought it was weird that he talked to her so much but now I realize they talk like friends do and they shouldn''t have to talk less frequently just because I think it''s weird. It''s not that she wants to talk to him and he doesn''t want to talk to her. He also enjoys talking to his mom and rehashing his/her week. I still think it''s strange but as long as she doesn''t try to tell ME what to do, I also think it''s nice to be so close with your mother.

However, it''s how he handles her advice that gets me. Like you said Sha, he''s not preventing her from being so involved. I am NOT going to be comfortable with him presenting my plans to her as if they''re up for her review, and then him coming back and saying "my mom doesn''t like your plan."

Mimzy if you don''t mind my asking, which allergy med works for you? I''ve tried Zyrtec and Allegra but neither of them work very well for me.

Oobie, we don''t mind at all holding off the honeymoon until after FI finishes his second year. I think we ruled out spring break because the business school organizes trips to meet big and important people of giant corporations or leaders of countries. That is something I cannot interfere with!!!

KimH, you hit the nail on the head. I will never get used to his relationship with his mom, but I think I understand it now. It''s hard for everyone to see that there needs to be a little bit of "letting go." The two of them are definitely not seeing it, and even I''m not realizing that it needs to be done. Hm, how...to...bring...this...up?!

Sabine, thanks! I''m glad I''m not the only one thinking she''s selfish! As for asking for time off, I know I wouldn''t want my wedding to interfere with med school or internships, so I don''t want to ask FI to take time off from something that is very important to him. This program that is in is crazy! They plow through and barely breathe!

IndieGal, I wish I could send her claritin with her invitation...that would be a riot! And you''re right...if she doesn''t let go a little bit, I''m in for a lifetime of headaches.

THANKS LADIES!

 

[havernell]

Date: 9/22/2007 12:47:43 AM
Author:CrownJewel

For the past two weeks, I finally started planning my wedding because now I know when his exams end and when summer internships are supposed to start for him. I think any Saturday or Sunday after that date in May would be perfect.

Despite that, I said to him, 'well it's my wedding and she can fly back for the day because I'm not going to put off my wedding for another year just because of her allergies.'

But everyone in the world and their dogs know that I hate hot weather and would never want to have my wedding at the peak of summer.

I am truly sorry that your FMIL isn't being helpful at all in terms of helping you find a wedding date that accomodates everyone. No one needs that kind of stress in their life!

However, based on some of the things you said in your post, I'm wondering if you and your FI are doing the date setting together, or if you are doing it without his input. Sounds like YOU are trying to schedule mostly around his law school schedule. Have you asked HIM when he'd rather have the wedding? Maybe he thinks he'll be too exhausted for a wedding in May so soon after his exams end. Maybe he'd prefer an August wedding?

I'm wondering if your FI doesn't want the wedding in May and is just using his Mom as an excuse because he doesn't want to tell you this himself? Maybe he's dealt with his Mom's allergies all of his life and HE doesn't want to see her miserable and sniffling that day. (Okay, that's a bit conspiracy theory of me, but it's not totally inconceivable).

Please don't think I'm being rude, because I certainly don't mean to be!! Perhaps the wording of your post simply made it sound like you were doing all of the scheduleing when you and your FI are truly doing it together. Afterall, I know its really common for internet posts to come off sounding one way when the reality is completely another way. But, if it really has been you doing all of the planning and scheduling, I think you need to sit down with your FI and ask him when he would like to have the wedding and why. He may have good reasons for having a preference that you haven't considered.

Also, I know you said spring break was out for your FI, but would fall break or winter break work for a wedding when your FI would have a break from school?

Best of luck nailing down a date!!

 

[diamondfan]

One word, MEDICINE!!!! I so believe there are things she can take and can manage ONE day.

Honestly, it would really bother me to be with someone who is unable to stand up to his mother. This is the start of your lives. She needs to understand that she is not in control or in charge, but he needs to tell her. Plan what you want, she will come, I am sure she will not miss out. If you bend to her, she is going to expect it constantly. Not a good way to start off.

 

[april diamonds]

Her ALLERGIES? Come on, that is the lamest excuse ever. It''s one day, and if your darling son is getting married that day I think you can suck it up to attend. Sorry I know it sounds harsh but I think there are just some events that you shoud really put your own biases aside and just "do it". Weddings of family members included.

I think you should just tell your FI that you really want May, and unless HE doesn''t want it then it may be reason for changing the date. (if that IS the case maybe you can do it over Christmas break...not hot at all and he''s got vacation) I totally understand not wanting to have a summer weather, I also do not like the heat. Especially on my wedding day! Running around in my wedding dress is certainly not going to help with the heat.

But I certainly do think that your FMIL is being selfish and just trying to rock the boat for no reason.

 

[door knob solitaire]

Congratulations on setting a wedding date! (Did you read that right? If not re read it). May is a beautiful month to wed. Spring is springing and birds are singing ...and you are getting married.

You will have plenty of time to purchase a beautiful hanky and have it personalized with a wonderful thought...or sentiment...or initials for your MIL. She will have something new and pretty to blow her little snozolla in.

Had she scheduled gall bladder surgery, an business closure liquidation sale, some big contract that was due in May...I could understand her anguish when told that is when the wedding is going to be. But hay fever...isn''t on the radar screen...except as others mentioned to be controlling. Here...JUMP THROUGH THIS HOOP AND THIS ONE...I don''t agree with the other posters who suggest being accommodating and changing your dates...for a runny nose? OH please!

And don''t forget...the mother of the groom is only expected to show up. She is not walking the isle, playing the piano, performing the service, serving the food...(lets hope she doesn''t cut the cake as a previous poster told us hers did!!!) She is just a attending family member...a guest. You better include a check list on your save the date form...survey all that will attend and make sure there is no issue with them!!

Remember the latter part of May there are graduations scheduled. Be sure to run a quick check for conflicts...other than that...get used to hearing sneezes...

In support of YOUR decision...

DKS

 

[mimzy]

not at all!

i tried all those prescriptions too, but i found an OTC drug that works like a charm.
it''s called allergy and sinus headache pain pressure relief, but that''s pretty worthless info, so here''s the active ingredients:
acetaminophen 325 mg (pain reliever)
diphenhydramine hydrochloride 12.5 mg (antihistamine)
phenylephrine HCl 5 mg (decongestant)

benedryl makes it, but i use the generic (CVS) version and i think it works better (even though they are supposed to be the same)

another one that works decently well is the tylenol allergy multi-symptom with chlorpheniramine maleate 2mg for the antihistamine.

i know prescriptions are supposed to be better, but i swear by these when none of the Rxs worked. i hope that/they help!

 

[Independent Gal]

Kim , you are completely right about it being situation specific. I wouldn''t even blink if FI''s mom needed time-consuming care. In fact, if she needed care, I''d think less of him if he didn''t give it. And of course I would help him give it.

I was just worried about this particular situation because it sounds like OP''s FI''s primary loyalty is still to his mom and her wishes. The irrationality of her objection suggests that it''s her way of making sure she IS still the main woman in FI''s life: a sort of test. That sounds a little dangerous to me for the long run.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 9/23/2007 11:39:42 AM
Author: Independent Gal
Kim , you are completely right about it being situation specific. I wouldn't even blink if FI's mom needed time-consuming care. In fact, if she needed care, I'd think less of him if he didn't give it. And of course I would help him give it.

I was just worried about this particular situation because it sounds like OP's FI's primary loyalty is still to his mom and her wishes. The irrationality of her objection suggests that it's her way of making sure she IS still the main woman in FI's life: a sort of test. That sounds a little dangerous to me for the long run.

His loyalty does seem quite misplaced, IG. I guess my point was just that people can be close to others without trampling on their SO. My mom and I are great friends and I would resent it if my husband was unaccepting/not understanding of our relationship, but my mom also never infringes on my relationship with DH and he comes first, so there's definitely balance. Sounds like CJ's FI needs to recalibrate the scale and bit and the two of them need to work on communication and being more united (setting a wedding date together and sticking to it, etc.). So we can agree to agree!