Help, I''m getting sick of family politics already!

[MustangFan]

I spoke to FI mom and she tells me yesterday that his brother will be offended if we don''t invite his ex-wife and that we have to invite her parents as well because they would be very offended. BULLSH*T! sorry to say, but why the heck do we have to invite them??? I told his mother that his brother will get an and guest and it''s his choice to bring who ever he wants, but that''s not good enough.. I never met these people in my life and FI isn''t even close with them, that''s extended family that''s not even family

and to top it all off she only wants to give us $2-3k which is nothing, that will cover her guests that she wants to invite and that''s it.

Do you think that I''m out of line to feel that it''s selfish to offer to pay for the guests that you want to invite and that''s it? That''s his parents offering which won''t even cover 1/3 off the cost which I think it fair. They paid for 1/2 of his brother''s wedding and they''re going to offer 1/10 and expect to have a say in who''s invited?
Yep, I think Hawaii sounds good right about now....

 

[NYCsparkle]

Stick to your guns and invite who you want--i agree that inviting people you have never met is not something you have to do especially if your fiance is fine with it. don''t let your guestlist swell just because you feel bullied into inviting people. when we set our guestlist (we set it then showed our parents) both of our families felt we should invite so and so...long story short we said these are the people we know and love and who know and love us and thats who is coming...they were annoyed, but that was that. as soon as we got engaged i told our parents that we wanted 125 people tops and i don''t care who we "offended" by not inviting. i told his mom and mine--well why should we invite your friends if we have friends we''re not inviting because we want a smaller wedding? don''t worry about pleasing everyone in every way, because in the end you won''t be 100% happy and there will always be something someone won''t like or will fell slighted by.

 

[neatfreak]

Welcome to the club!!!

A few things. Yes, I think it's somewhat rude to complain about the amount of money they are offering. Unfortunately, they can offer whatever they like, and many parents don't offer anything. My FI's mom is giving us about the same, but we are very thankful to have it because we know that they didn't HAVE to give us anything.

Second, you said they paid for half of FI's brother's wedding. Was it possible that his wedding was significantly cheaper than yours? $2-3,000 would pay for more than half of our wedding, and if he got married a few years ago, costs have skyrocketed since then. So it's possible that the same $ paid for more a few years ago. Otherwise, you probably don't know what their financial situation is, so maybe they aren't as flush now. It sucks if they paid more for a different child, but I don't think there is anything you can do about it.

As for the guest list, taking money sometimes requires some compromise. I DO think she's being unreasonable. But you need to figure out a way to tell her diplomatically. Can you give them 1/2 (or 1/3 if you and FI want 1/3) of the guest list and tell her that she has "X" seats for her family and friends and she can fill them however she wants? That's what we did with my FI's mom, because she was pulling the same stunt with trying to invite everyone she knew and telling us she "had to". At least in our situation she didn' mean it rudely, she just felt that she had to invite everyone. Once we told her to just tell people that we were having an "intimate close family only" wedding and that she could have a big reception for us later in the year, she was perfectly fine with that and it gave her some ammo when someone rude called her up and said "Are we invited????"

We finally just said to her, "Ok Mom, our max # of guests for the room is 42. So you get to invite 20 people including family, and you can decide who is most important to you. Once we gave her that limit she has been really good and is doing her best to work within that. It also has allowed her to limit the "guilt" invites as I said before.

Another option is to get married somewhere far away from where you live. Once we realized that a lot of parental "invite guilt" was relieved when the wedding wasn't near everyone's homes, it became much easier. Hence why we are getting married in San Francisco even though most of our family is on the East Coast.

It will get better, but it might get worse before it does. Make sure your FI is the one to deal with her if she's being difficult, as it will be easier for him to be candid with her than you.

Keep your chin up!!!

 

[dmamsquared]

I agree with Neatfreak. Don''t get involved in controlling the list. Give a number and leave the rest to them. As much as it may be difficult, stick to the number and let your FH deal with the flare-ups. You could choose not to take FI''s money. MOney talks and bull@$#% walks! You will have to pay a price, like it or not, if either parent contributes. That''s just the way it goes.

 

[Pandora II]

My parents are paying for most of our wedding and I have given them 10 places out of 120 for their friends. With family I have included Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles and 1st Cousins and their husbands/wives/fiance(e)s. If I pull off the babysitter idea, also their kids. This has applied to both sides.

We drew the line at inviting FFIL's second wife's kids (who we don't know), to be honest more because FI still isn't totally okay with his parents splitting up (he was 15) and doesn't like his dad's new wife (I'm not allowed to call her his stepmother even); also his mother's new husband has 5 kids from his first marriage - all married with kids, so the list would go crazy. FFIL was fine about it.

I'm not having anyone like my sister's FIL or MIL - we met at her wedding 7 years ago and I had no wish to see anymore of them (mind you neither does she!). Ex-wives are not a good move especially if your brother might bring a new gf - how would she feel being there with ex's floating about?

I've been very lucky that neither side has asked for anything in return for money.
Stick to your guns - have who you want at your wedding. My parents have been really good about their guests and to be honest I like them all enough I'd like them to be there anyway.

 

[MustangFan]

Well the odd thing is that his brother wants the ex wife there, they are friends... as strange as it may sound, but FI doesn''t want her there because he doesn''t consider her to be his big sister in anyway.
I said you can have an and guest, if this isn''t good enough for them then they will be invited separately without an and guest. final! I hate to be this way, but he doesn''t talk to her anymore and I only met her twice and his brother says that I should talk to her about it??? aahh no it''s not my responsibility

 

[Gwyn]

If you dont want to invite them, don''t. I think giving him a guest option is more then adequate. If your brother wants her to come, tell him to invite her as his guest. It would be very silly to have him be the one wanting her and have him bring someone else.

As for the money, its a gift, you can''t complain about the amount given. I know it seems hurtful that a parent would contribute more to one sibling then the other but that is just the way things are. Also, there are numberous factors which can account for discrepency such as, cost of weddings, inflation, current funds they have available, traditions...the list goes one. Parents often spend more money on the older child, or if it is their daughter getting married versus a son. Fact of the matter is, it is your wedding and your burden (not to make it sound like a negative thing). Back in the "old days" the grooms family didnt pay any of the wedding costs.

Now, keeping in line with the gift idea. It is a gift, not a bribe. She isn''t buying seats at your wedding. If you don''t want to invite someone, you shouldnt have to. In my opinion. that money doesnt guarantee her any rights/privileges (except maybe an invite herself, lol). The fact that she is your FMIL does though, so you should be nice and respectful, but you dont have to bow to her every whim just because she threw a few thousand your way.

Thats just my opinion though

 

[FireGoddess]

Okay, it''s somewhat snitty to complain about what they''re offering to give you - my parents paid NOTHING, my DH''s parents paid NOTHING - we paid for everything ourselves, and it involved quite a bit of scrimping and sacrifice. I can see how you would be a little hurt that they were willing to pay more for his brother''s wedding but they''re not your parents, they''re his. Is he upset about that?

I would however, be irked about being told who *simply must* be invited. You control the guest list, and you don''t have to invite all of these people. Within reason is one thing, but lists of people you don''t know? Just tell them you can''t afford it or won''t be able to invite them due to space constraints.

 

[MustangFan]

yes, my FI is upset that his parents offered only 2-3k, he tells me he rather not accept any of their money in that case and just take out another loan to pay for it He thinks is a slap in the face since he's never bothered them for money, he didn't even accepted a house warming gift from them, even bought their house for full market value, so they could afford the retirement house they wanted when they said to pay $20k less he said no you need to money
and his brother is unemployed and smooching off them and we get a drop in the bucket at for as weddings are concerned, it won't even pay for 1/4 of the reception with only 75 guests.
Mainly my FI is annoyed that my parents are so much easier to get along with and they wil be stuck with the burden of paying for the rest of the wedding and FI parents will expect to be acknowledged on the invites for their share when they didn't even contribute that much

 

[janinegirly]

are your parents covering any of the wedding? how about you 2?

i def hate family politics too (and starting to deal with it myself)--it''s insane on top of wedding planning stresses. but i have to say that FI''s parents'' covering any of the wedding (except rehearsal dinner) is not a role they are expected to take (in practice and traditionally speaking), so anything they offer is kind of above and beyond already.

i do agree it''s not right if they paid 1/2 of his brothers'' and also agree that she can put whoever she wants on guestlist, but you and FI have final veto power if necessary.

 

[basil]

We wanted to have our wedding be around 80, so we figured we''d invite about 90. My relatives, my parents'' friends, plus our friends was about 55. We figured that we''d tell fiance''s mom that she could invite 40, figuring about 30 will come. She went around and asked all her friends (1.5 years in advance!) whether or not they were coming so she could decide to invite them because she did not want to waste her invites

Sorry you''re having trouble. It does seem silly to invite your fiance''s brother''s ex-wife if she''s not particularly close to you or your fiance. Is she close to your fiance''s mom, though? I''m at the point where I''ve accepted that the wedding is not all about me and my fiance - it''s a way for our parents to connect with people that they don''t ordinarily see. And if that makes them happy, then it''s fine with me.

 

[firebirdgold]

HAWAII HAWAII HAWAII HAWAII

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 4/30/2007 1:40:26 PM
Author: MustangFan
yes, my FI is upset that his parents offered only 2-3k, he tells me he rather not accept any of their money in that case and just take out another loan to pay for it He thinks is a slap in the face since he''s never bothered them for money, he didn''t even accepted a house warming gift from them, even bought their house for full market value, so they could afford the retirement house they wanted when they said to pay $20k less he said no you need to money
and his brother is unemployed and smooching off them and we get a drop in the bucket at for as weddings are concerned,

That just stinks, and I feel bad for him. Can you save enough to pay for it yourself by the wedding date?

 

[MustangFan]

Firegodess,

I was hoping to graduate sooner, but it looks like I''ll be graduating in december, so hopefully I can save up some money in eight months!
We will have a chat with his parents again, perhaps a sit down dinner and discuss it more. I''m hoping FI can talk to them into spitting it into 1/3 so they would pay $5k, we''d pay 5 and my parent would pay 5, if they can''t do this then maybe set the wedding date back a little

 

[surfgirl]

Ahhhh, another reason why we''re eloping! I do feel for you. My mother did this to my sister but the difference was her future husband was footing the bill and he has more money than god so it was annoying but not a financial burden.

If I were you I would under no circumstances allow people to be invited that I didn''t want at my wedding. No.Way! You control the guest list as I assume you''re the one who''s in charge of addressing invites, yes? So in the end, it is your decision. As for your FMIL and her guest demands, you and your FI should talk to her together at the very least. He needs to support you on this and IMO, I think it''s important that your FMIL sees that you are a unified team now and she cant play you against each other. If you stand up to this now, you''ll probably have less issues with her later on because from the get go, you''ve asserted yourself, right? At least that''s my FMIL theory! Did you give your FMIL a number of how many she could invite, or just asked for a list from her?

Also, from your posts, it sounds like a $15K wedding is going to be difficult for you to pay for yourselves and that even for your parents its alot of money. Cant you find a way to scale back the wedding so its more affordable, and also so that you might be able to do it without their money, if that indeed would make you feel better? Could you just have a smaller group of people? A less expensive location? Have your reception at a wonderful restaurant, for example, where you wouldn''t have to pay for extras like tables, chairs, linens, cutlery, etc? Just a suggestion to make it more affordable for you and to allow you to not have to be beholden to the FILs because they''re contributing...

 

[MustangFan]

15k isn''t really an expensive wedding in NJ/NYC area

two of our friends will be getting married in the next 6 months and they have spent over 20k

I am estimating with the weddingannouncer budgeter, this include the honeymoon into the price.
The wedding itself will be about $13k, my cousin tried to keep hers under 10k, 5 years ago and couldn''t do it.
I''d like a traditional wedding, and I think 75 quests isn''t OTT, I''m trying to keep it modest and the place I found for $80pp is reasonable compared to the normal 100+pp

Yes, in the end, will be have full control over the guest list, thank you for reminding me it made me feel so much better.

As for FI he called his father and spoke to him last night, and nipped it in the butt, he agreed with us, as far as he''s concerned he doesn''t want to see his ex-wife ever again and he could careless about her parents, that''s ridiculous.

 

[littlelysser]

I don''t mean to seem rude here...but honestly, I think you should be glad that his parents are giving you any money at all.

Traditionally, the groom''s parents pay for the rehearsal dinner. That is it.

And really, they are his parents...not yours. I don''t really think it is your place to ask them for more money.

If you pay for your wedding yourself, or with help from your parents, you are not beholden to them and can invite whomever you want.

 

[surfgirl]

Mustang, I''m glad to hear the issue was taken care of and that FIs father was supportive of you!

As for the affordability part of your above post, I was trying to point out that maybe you have to come to some sort of reality check on what you really can afford, not what your friends are doing or what your wedding planner says is the norm in your area. It doesn''t really matter what other people spend in your area, the only thing that really matters is what YOU can afford. Maybe 75 ppl is too many? Maybe you can find other options that are more affordable. All of this isn''t to say you shouldn''t have a lovely wedding. Only that you''re saying you cant afford to pay for it yourselves and you dont want so much direction from those giving you money so the only way I can see to not have that conflict is to scale back your expectations on your wedding and pay for it yourselves. That''s all.

 

[MustangFan]

yes, I understand, well I am hoping by December I will graduate and get a good job somewhere and save my whole salary for a few months. I do not really need to contribute too much to the house so I can do this. What might happen is we won''t scale down, but just extend the engagment until we can afford the wedding we want; another year max, maybe May 09. The other thing we can do is take out another loan and I''ll pay it off within a year.