Help me before I press

[chicagolawyer]

Some background - three bridesmaids are my two sisters and future SIL. They are younger than me (20, 23, 24) so they haven''t really been asking me how the wedding is going, helping, or doing any "traditional" BM stuff -- the only thing they have shown interest in so far is what they will look like. (All love the groom, support the marriage, otherwise we have good relationships) It does hurt my feelings a bit that there isn''t much excitement, (e.g. I asked 23 year old sister to go dress shopping w/ me first time, and 30 mins in she was "bored.") so I''m worried that the tone of the below email is letting my frustration/sadness show through too much.

Trying to put these issues aside, yes, I ideally would like them to wear the same dress. We all went shopping for them but our research and their input has not resulted in a dress where at least one person wouldn''t be upset. At this point all I really care about is making sure no one complains that they feel "ugly" on the day off, and getting this off my plate. To be honest, I feel like they are more bridesmaids in name only b/c they aren''t too interested. Plus, the day is mostly about me & fi, so really what does it matter what they wear?

Email:

I thought I would put all three of you on an email finally now that we''re making progress on the dresses.

So it seems like there isn''t really a consensus on the two that I liked most. M isn''t crazy about the green one, and A doesn''t like the navy one. So I was thinking -- why doesn''t everyone just pick their own dress, there are tons of nice dresses out there!! So from wherever, whatever style etc. you want as long as it satisfies these:

1 -- some shade of blue (not purple-blue, grey-blue or green-blue though)
2 -- they are all either long or short
3 -- they aren''t heavily beaded or covered in tons of lace

I just was reading the procedure for a Catholic wedding ceremony, and the bridesmaids/groomsmen don''t actually stand up on the altar together -- they walk in and sit down in the first pew. So there will be no mandatory pictures at the church with everyone in a straight line, as a result the number of pictures this will actually matter for is minimal. I looked up pictures on theknot.com from real weddings that did the same thing, and I think it definitely looks nice anyways.

The other plus of doing this is that it sounds like for Priscilla of Boston the dresses would need to be ordered basically this week b/c they are taking up to 6 months to come in. That is cutting it really close b/c alterations would need to be done, and what would happen if the dresses were late. I know paying extra for rush is an option, but that seems silly to me b/c I don''t think more time will allow everyone to love the same dress. This way everyone can take their time, and shop as much as they want. The other plus is that it would be a HUGE help to me if you guys took care of this so I could focus on other stuff.

I did do a lot of research into other bridesmaid dress designers, but I really think for finding a uniform dress Priscilla of Boston was the best bet. JCrew and Ann Taylor''s colors and selections are fine right now, but nothing I''m crazy about enough to say everyone wear this one. So I really think this is the best idea -- you guys pick it, try to coordinate, and everyone is gorgeous anyways so the pictures will be beautiful too!! I''m totally happy with this idea, so if everyone else can be happy with it too then we have a solution!

 

[Independent Gal]

Hi,

My suggestion would be to give them a date by which it has to be done. Be a little snappier / briefer. "Hi Girls, sorry we couldn''t agree on a dress. So how about every find a blue dress (but not x blues) of roughly the same legnth. No lace or beading. Now run and have fun! But I need you to get this done by March 65th. If you don''t anticipate being able to do it by then, let me know now, OK? Otherwise, we''ll reconvene on the 65th WITH the dresses in hand to see what they all look like together. No GO!"

All the stuff about photos and things... if they don''t care, they won''t care. Know what I mean? So just keep it brief, to the point, and related to THEM.

Feel ya on the young BM thing. My sis is 10 years younger than me, and I don''t think the word "wedding" has crossed our lips the whole time I''ve been planning, except when I took her shopping at fancy boutiques to see if she could find a dress I''d buy for her.

Well, focussing on college is more important. And my bff is there for me!

 

[enbcfsobe]

I agree with Indy -- I would keep it short and sweet. No need to explain why you came to this conclusion. If they want to know, they''ll ask. I wouldn''t be snippy, but I would be more concise and direct. You have nothing to prove to them, so no need to present a persuasive argument. Just tell them what you propose and when you''d like it completed and thanks so much. Done and done.

On the larger issue of their involvement/interest... I wouldn''t assume that they are disinterested (though they well might be, regardless of their age), but if there is something else that you want their opinion on or want them to do, you may need to ask. Maybe you have asked already, other than the dress shopping, and they just haven''t responded -- it wasn''t clear from their post. But I don''t think it''s a BM''s place to jump in on the wedding planning unless they are asked for assistance or an opinion. Yes, maybe if they were more mature, they would say "hey, chicagolawyer, if you need help, just let me know." I certainly haven''t expected my girls to do any planning stuff other than respond with opinions about potential dresses. They are busy with their own lives and shower planning. I''m sorry you haven''t found your girls helpful so far, but maybe try making your expectations a little clearer? The dress issue is a good place to start, but if other things come up (you want help choosing invites or flowers), ask them and see what happens. If they''re immature or unresponsive, there''s not much you can do. But they might be more intimidated than anything else, and you inviting them into the process might help. Or not. Good luck!

 

[Independent Gal]

Gosh, sorry for all the typos in that post! e.g., I meant "Now go." not "no go!"

Someone needed more coffee I guess.

 

[swimmer]

Hi Chicago Lawyer,
You prob already hit send, but I wanted to comment from my vast experience being a bmaid. Visualize the worst possible thing that each of them could possibly impulse purchase to wear on your big day. You know your (future) sisters incredibly well, if you trust that they will find something that is appropriate for a church and will please any moms or whoever has a vested interest in this, then hit send. If however you have an inkling that someone will go for something iffy (short, vibrant, plunging) then give a color in a designer and specify a length. I don''t mean to offend, I know you love them, but we all love people who can make unsuitable dress choices.

Also, I have been told to "go find something" but the bride really had a vision of something specific...finally we read her mind and all got the same dress at saks. Just make sure you are _really_ ok with anything. I was in a wedding where we got to pick little black dresses, Awesome! but the bride was totally overwhelmed by her sisters in the photos and on the dance floor. That is not your issue, but you get where I''m going? Dress decision by committee is rarely effective, its gotten me stuck in some awful dresses that the brides weren''t happy with either. The tradition of bmaids dresses just being g-d-awful has ended, but its still not really the time for the maids to get a rockin'' dress that will be super useful in the future.

They are young, tell them what you want them to do and cc their/your moms.

 

[enbcfsobe]

Personally I would not ask BMs to pick their own dresses for the reasons swimmer articulated, but I think it is completely up to you what to request.

I have to disagree about cc''ing their mothers. I hope swimmer meant that as a joke. They are not children, and while they may be immature, treating them like wayward kids will do nothing to increase their interest or desire in helping you with your wedding. Even if they are not the best BMs ever, they hardly sound like the worst, and they deserve more respect than tattling to mom, IMHO.

 

[swimmer]

thanks enbcfsobe, YIKES! that was the wrong facey icon. was trying to put a lighter note on the end there and yeah, didn''t come across via email. totally my bad.

I do just want you chicago lawyer to get what you want. Your sisters love you, just tell them what to get and be done with it (choice among several dresses of same color perhaps). Going the wide open choice route issues come up when one finds something short and one finds something long...who will you side with? And not to put anything else on your plate, but decide what you want them to do for shoes soon. My sister and her now SIL almost killed each other over a closed shoe debate. Yeah, and these women are both full-on reasonable people IRL. There is just something about weddings that gets folks a little stirred up. If you say "everyone get metallic strappy sandals" or something like that, it could do the trick. Or if you totally don''t care, you don''t have to say anything... Just make sure you really don''t care.

No more attempts at snarky humor coming from me

sheepish smile

 

[enbcfsobe]

i''m glad you were kidding, swimmer -- i thought so, but just wanted to clarify!

 

[chicagolawyer]

Thanks to everyone for the help, I really appreciate all of this input. I did not press send yet, but I need to soon.

I think the point about "imagine the worst that could happen with pretty free dress and shoe choice" is a good one. I think I''ve come up with a solution.

I Googled a bit about how a Catholic ceremony works, and it looks like only the Maid of Honor and Best Man ever go up on the altar with the bride and groom. So the solution:

Ask my best friend to be my Maid of Honor. Go dress shopping with her to pick a dress we both like. She is not in the wedding party right now b/c I did not want it to be too big. I don''t care about that as much now because...

I will have the sisters, who the moms obligated me to ask, be "bridesmaids." They will be acknowledged in the program and get to call themselves bridesmaids, and I''ll give them small bouquets to feel special. If they each want they can do a reading, so that way they won''t be up there at one time clashing but they can still feel like they play a role. The other groomsmen will be converted into ushers. (the GM won''t care, they will probably be happy if we don''t make them prance down the aisle).

Just the Maid of Honor, Best Man, flower girl and two ringbearers will be part of the official procession. Short and sweet, it sounds delightful to me. The GM/ushers and "bridesmaids" will walk down the aisle together before the music starts, and then take a seat in the first pew.

I feel like this is a good plan b/c

1) I get to have my best friend in the wedding

2) The sisters can enjoy the perks of being a bridesmaid that they enjoy like the bouquet, getting hair and makeup done, being acknowledged, but I''ll feel better about their lack of involvement b/c secretly in my head I''ll know they are "bridesmaids"

3) They won''t be up on the altar together, only individually, so their dress choice will only matter for family pictures. I can deal with them clashing there, because I imagine that brides take family pictures with siblings who aren''t part of the bridal party everyday.

Sorry for the long post, I just really don''t like this drama and feel like crawling into a hole, so I need somewhere to flesh out my ideas...

 

[Independent Gal]

Great solution! Good thinking.

 

[swimmer]

Whew, great thinking indeed!

 

[enbcfsobe]

sounds like this solution gives you the best of both worlds!