help me deal with future MIL

[amy_dub]

Ok, so for those of you who didn''t follow my LIW saga (haha!) here''s the basics. My fiance and I dated for 7 years before we got engaged. My fiance''s mother is very "hands on" in J''s life and feels the need to instruct him on everything he should do. Basically she needs to cut the apron strings and let him make his own decisions, especially since he''s 23 now, out of school, and has a full-time stable career.

When she found out he and I had been looking at rings and and chosen one we love, she then proceeded to lecture ME for 30 minutes about how we need to realize all of the expenses we''re going to have and how marriage is expensive, blah blah blah. My excitement over ring shopping was shot down in a matter of minutes. Well, now here we are trying to plan a wedding and find a venue and pick a date. All along i''ve wanted a september wedding, or possibly october. J wanted August, but i just wasn''t crazy over it. Well, since future MIL found out that i wanted september all she ever says is "September is too hot. You need to remember your guest and pick a time that isn''t so hot or get married inside" We picked a venue that the temperature typically runs 10 degrees color than here in Knoxville due to the higher elavation and it''s the end of september, so I know it will not be burn-your-flesh hot there. J and MIL went to secure the venue and some lady that worked there was like "the average temperature here in September is 85." I don''t know where the lady came up with this, but that is simply not the case. I even checked the weather channel''s wedding weather predictor and based on the past tempertures, it won''t be 85 there. Maybe in July and possibly in august, but definately not the end of september.

She told J that it is inappropriate for them to help pay for any of the wedding beyond the rehersal dinner because when she and future FIL got married, she paid for everything. Yet, she''s thinks we need to send invitations to people they haven''t seen in years and don''t even get a christmas card from. An example would be two girls that use to be their neighbors over 14 years ago that invited them to their weddings. They haven''t seen either of these sisters in at least 7+ years, and even then they only saw them at a funeral. One of these girls lives out of state. I just don''t see a reason to send invitations to someone that you are not close to, someone you haven''t spoken to in years. Our guest list is already beyond what i had expected (the majority of the guest list are his friends & family) and seeing as I''m having to foot the bill for this I''m trying to keep things within a reasonable budget. I''m not inviting people that I''m not close to or people that I haven''t spoken to many years. This is just the beginning of it.. don''t even get me started on decorations and bows that look like they came off of Cyndi Lauper''s prom dress. Now she''s suggesting we hold the ceremony else where and only the reception at the place I''ve already put a deposit down on. She''s also started in on about how we really should be getting married at a church. I see no reason why we can''t split the cost of the wedding and why it matters if we''re married in a church or not. She''s obviously a traditionalist and I''m not. I guess if I was not having to pay for everything I would be more open to her suggestions. But I feel like if I''m paying for it, I should get to make decisions about location and the number of invitations sent and keeping the guest list within MY budget.

So now I''m not even excited about getting married anymore. The whole thing has been a huge headache and we''ve only been engaged a month. Please tell me, am I being a complete bridezilla?

 

[bee*]

She does sound like a nightmare however I think that it shouldn''t be you that has to tell her all this, it should be J. If he''s old enough to get engaged, he''s old enough to tell his mother what''s what. D''s mother can be pretty intense however he tells her when to back off. We''re lucky in that we''re paying a third each between me and D, my parents and his parents however his parents want a couple more guests. D and I discussed it and he went back to her and told her that she can have as many guests as she wants so long as she pays for all the extra guests that she wants. I think the big difference is that D went to her. I think that as long as he doesn''t say anything to her, the more that she thinks that her little boy is being led astray. He has to stand up and tell her that he''s a grown up and that you''re going to be his wife and he needs to stand up for you. I wouldn''t let her ruin your excitement about getting married. D''s mother has butted in a bit with certain things and if I kind of like the idea, I alter it a bit to something that I would prefer and then we''ve both been happy. The one thing that she really really wanted was for all of us to go spend the night before the wedding down near the castle and have the ceremony in the church down there. That didn''t bother me at all so she could have that one. Other things like the colour of the bridesmaids dresses are my choice, no matter how much she has an opinion on it. Her being like that could ruin my planning and excitement however I''m not letting it and D has told her that she needs to back off a bit and we''re all getting along very well since then.

 

[partyjewels]

I guess I''m lucky as my future mil doesn''t seem to give a rats behind that I''m marrying her son, but that is a whole nother story! In any case, I agree with Bees advice, as I don''t have very much first hand experience with the fmil butting in on the wedding planning.

good luck with it, and definitely don''t let her ruin your wedding excitement though!!

 

[Haven]

I agree with bee, J should have a discussion with her about this situation and he should make it very clear that if you want advice and help, you two will ask for it.

If I were in your shoes I wouldn''t share any information about the wedding plans with her; you are paying for your own wedding, and as much as I hate to say it, that means that you are hosting the entire thing and she doesn''t really have a right to dictate anything about the day. I would tell her that she can invite X amount of people, as that is what fits into your budget, and if she''d like to invite anyone else she is certainly welcome to, it will cost X dollars per person. I know this sounds icky, but when you host an event you don''t allow your guests to dictate who is invited.

I do want to say that you should consider yourself lucky to have a FMIL at all, even if she is being unreasonable right now. She will hopefully be around in the future to grandparent your children, and share in all of your joys and celebrations, too, so I would try very hard to keep your relationship positive. My FI''s mother passed away six years ago. I regret that I never got to meet her, and all of this planning has really gotten to FI about how much he misses her and wishes she could be here today.

 

[KimberlyH]

This issue is sounds much bigger than bows and venues. You state "My fiance''s mother is very ''hands on'' in J''s life and feels the need to instruct him on everything he should do. Basically she needs to cut the apron strings and let him make his own decisions, especially since he''s 23 now, out of school, and has a full-time stable career." She couldn''t behave this way if he didn''t allow it, regarding any aspect of his life. It sounds to me like you need to deal with J, not her, and the two of you need to come up with a reasonable, for both of you, set of expectations regarding your MILs involvement in your life from this point forward and it should be his responsibility to share them with her in a loving and kind way. Otherwise you are in for a long, difficult life.

As for who should pay for the wedding, she has no obligation to contribute to the wedding just you aren''t obligated to invite her long lost guests. Have J provide her with a number of guests she can invite and let her sort out the details.

I must ditto was Haven has said about trying to make this experience positive and being thankful that she''s part of this process. My MIL died a year ago, 4 months after our wedding. She had late-stage Alzheimer''s and while she was at our wedding in body she wasn''t present in mind (she had no clue who I was, where she was, and why she was there). She was a fire cracker and if she had been capable of helping us plan I am certain we would have disagreed a lot, but I would have given anything to have had an argument with her about wedding planning instead of my DH and I having to explain for the umpteenth time that my name was Kimi and I was marrying her son.

 

[diamondfan]

Get ready. She is this type of woman and she will NOT change. What must change is your fiance must firmly, but nicely, put her in her place. SHE thinks X, SHE wants Y, well, isn''t that nice? It is not her wedding. It is one thing for her to offer an opinion when she is asked, but this constant opinion giving in a manner that is bossy and assumes you should do it without question...no thanks. Both you and your fiance need to be in agreement and he needs to sit down with her and just basically spell it out. You two are a team, you are getting married, you have been together a long time, she needs to back down and understand she will get more from the relationship if she eases up. My mother in law is a nightmare and has been for 18 years. I used to just smile and say Oh, thanks for the input and ignore it, but she was so childish she would escalate things til I was ready to strangle her. You do NOT want to live with this for the rest of your life, so please try to take some steps now so it is not so bad. She will never change but the two of you can change how you deal with her.

 

[cara]

It is not your FMIL who needs to cut the apron strings, it is your FI. You think this woman is ever voluntarily going to "let" her baby grow up and not put her two cents in?

You and your FI need to plan this wedding, buy your ring, be happy for yourselves. Build a shield to keep her toxicity away as much as possible.

That means not consulting with her much on the plans, especially before they have been set in stone. That means not expecting her to jump for joy and affirm your actions - so that your joy is not diminished (much) when she is unenthusiastic.

As for the details, she is under no obligation to provide money for your wedding. But you are then under no obligation to plan your wedding to her specifications.

Lets be clear: if she is a traditionalist, then the entire wedding planning is under the sphere of influence of the bride and her family. That means you set the guest list, the location, the time of year, the decorations, everything. FMIL shows up, doesn''t wear white, hosts a rehearsal dinner. That is the extent of her obligation. It is polite and appropriate to offer a comparable number of invites to the groom''s family as to the bride''s and some allowance must be made for family size discrepancy, but other than that, you decide whether or not to invite her extended relatives and friends.

I am not so traditional, and feel that you and your FI should jointly plan this shindig, to enter your married life together as partners. That means you decide you two sit down, decide the budget together, and what a reasonable guest count would be.

If you want to "cut the apron strings," your FI is going to have to kindly and firmly tell his mother what you have decided together, and stick to it. Otherwise his mother will continue to bully him and you after the marriage as well. Right now he is acting very passively, letting his mother have her way at the expense of your independence and finances. Not the greatest precedent for your marriage.