Help me out, ladies!

[bubbly1126]

I woke up to a text from my best friend saying "I''m engaged!" After I got over my initial shock, I congratulated her and then immediately broke down crying.

I know, this is so terrible of me. And with all the good things happening in my own relationship, I should be focusing on all that and not boo-hooing because I haven''t gotten my own proposal. She so deserves it, she really does and I just feel like this horrible person for not really being happy for her.

I call my BF from work this morning and tell him and for a good 5 minutes, he didn''t believe me. I had to convince him that I was telling the truth. (Her boyfriend is my BF''s best friend from growing up.) He was in shock b/c this guy is very immature and they all thought out of all the friends that he''d be the LAST to get engaged. Well, not so. He is the first.

Ugh... I keep crying here and there and it''s just ridiculous... Not to mention, when I told BF, he was like so hun, what are you trying to hint at? I didn''t say a thing in response except for in a little cute voice, good-bye. B/c I was not about to get into it with him about how I''m upset b/c I haven''t gotten proposed to yet... he doesn''t need any pressure from me. I''m just upset... and I''m gonna sit here and vent to you lovely ladies b/c I know you''ll either 1) put my in my place b/c I''m not being the best friend I should be right now or 2) tell me you understand and just offer some support. Either is fine b/c I know I deserve both!

I hope you all had a great day!

 

[Lauren8211]

You''re definitely entitled to feel that way. There''s nothing wrong with being frustrated! As long as you don''t take it out on your friend who just got engaged, and you partake in her happiness, it''s ok to be a little disappointed about your situation.

Don''t be so hard on yourself. Just be patient, and try not to take it out on your BF! lol. Your time will come!

 

[purrfectpear]

Your BF asked you a direct question and you wimped out. Simply expressing to him that you were wistful and sad because you hoped that you would be engaged also, is not pressuring him

Personally I would take the opportunity to express your feelings to him since he asked. See what he says and listen without judgement, then there is no pressure. Your alternative is to continue to hope without a clue if he''s even thinking of an engagement at all. If he indicates he hopes to marry you then you have some confirmation. If he says the entire idea freaks him and he can''t even discuss it, then you can decide if you''re OK with just dating, or if you want a different sort of relationship.

It''s fine to vent, but there are an awful lot of LIW''s who confront issues on the net that they should be confronting in real life, know what I mean?

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 6/24/2008 6:12:42 PM
Author:inhisarms17
He was in shock b/c this guy is very immature and they all thought out of all the friends that he''d be the LAST to get engaged. Well, not so. He is the first.

You may look back at this time & realize that sometimes getting engaged is the IMMATURE thing to do. And that its not so surprising that this guy is "first" after all.

But ultimately life just isn''t a race. Its natural to compare yourself with peers but really TRY not to dwell on it or let others'' happiness/successes/achievements (or failures for that matter) affect your self perception or state of mind too much. You never really know what''s going on behind closed doors and what parts of your life they might gladly trade for.

And, PS ... not sure what the "hinting" is about. Would you really want your BF to propose just to keep up with Immature Guy? I''d be FURIOUS if he got in motion asap cuz it would seem to be the WRONG reason!

 

[JulieN]

Date: 6/24/2008 6:12:42 PM
Author:inhisarms17
I woke up to a text from my best friend saying 'I'm engaged!' After I got over my initial shock, I congratulated her and then immediately broke down crying.

I know, this is so terrible of me. And with all the good things happening in my own relationship, I should be focusing on all that and not boo-hooing because I haven't gotten my own proposal. She so deserves it, she really does and I just feel like this horrible person for not really being happy for her.

I call my BF from work this morning and tell him and for a good 5 minutes, he didn't believe me. I had to convince him that I was telling the truth. (Her boyfriend is my BF's best friend from growing up.) He was in shock b/c this guy is very immature and they all thought out of all the friends that he'd be the LAST to get engaged. Well, not so. He is the first.

Ugh... I keep crying here and there and it's just ridiculous... Not to mention, when I told BF, he was like so hun, what are you trying to hint at? I didn't say a thing in response except for in a little cute voice, good-bye. B/c I was not about to get into it with him about how I'm upset b/c I haven't gotten proposed to yet... he doesn't need any pressure from me. I'm just upset... and I'm gonna sit here and vent to you lovely ladies b/c I know you'll either 1) put my in my place b/c I'm not being the best friend I should be right now or 2) tell me you understand and just offer some support. Either is fine b/c I know I deserve both!

I hope you all had a great day!

I definitely have problems talking about things I'm shy about with BF, but he wants me to spit it out, and I force myself to, because that's healthy for our relationship.

He opened a door to let you talk about how you felt about engagement and marriage. Next time, take these open doors as opportunities to be a confident, adult woman who is well-ready to talk about her wants and needs in life, and show him how lucky he is to have such a wonderful person!

 

[bubbly1126]

Forgive me for maybe not adding some details that should have been included since not everyone knows my story exactly...

purrfectpear: I didn't wimp out at all. BF and I have discussed marriage to some great extents. He gave me a timeline of 1 1/2 years. I called him purely to tell him of the engagement b/c I knew he'd be just as shocked as I was. The way he said "So hun, what are you trying to hint at?" was in a very 'I know you want your own engagement, you've voiced it several times, you don't have to tell me about a friends engagement just to sneak a little hint in there' kind of way. (not at all a mean way... but HIS way.) I know my BF and I know how/why he says certain things the way he does. He has never said that I am pressuring him but sometimes he gets frustrated if I bring it up too much and therefore, I know I am pressuring him. I didn't want him to feel that way when I called him to let him know, therefore when he asked that question I felt like I needed to be the bigger person and instead of ranting and raving to him about how upset I was, I just let it go.

deco: You're right. I would NEVER want him to propose just b/c one of his friends did and he felt like he needed to finally give me what I wanted. I want him to do it on his own terms which is why I declined to voice how I felt when he asked. He knows how I feel about it already, there was no need for me to reiterate.

Julie: I think my replies above may answer your post... (I think... hmm, let me know! lol)

elledizzy: Thanks hun! And no, I am not letting it get in the way of me being happy for her. I even asked her when she was free so I could take her out to celebrate. I just feel like crap for feeling this way!

ETA: Thank you all for your incite and kind words! Seriously!

 

[TravelingGal]

Hopefully you ARE happy for your friend...just a little unhappy for yourself. And that''s OK.

I agree with the others. It''s not a race. Focus on enjoying your relationship NOW. I think you''ll find that happy girlfriends make happy fiancees.

 

[JulieN]

Oh, ok. Well, it''s natural to feel upset if you''ve been waiting for a long time, but just remind yourself it will be worth it in the end!

 

[hisdiamondgirl]

Hey inhisarms! I think you''ve already gotten good feedback here so I won''t add any more to that.
I just wanted to find out how you were doing, if you are who I think you are and I remember correctly, I think you may have been having some health issues. Fibromyalgia maybe? Is that you? How are you doing? My mom has this and I know how hard it can be sometimes!

Anyway, just here hoping that you are doing well!

 

[blondebunny]

No I definitely know how you feel. I watch all these girls I know get engaged, and just sit here and it gets upsetting. But then just realize my BF must have some kind of plan for us and it will eventually happen.

Although it is upsetting, just be patient (im trying!), and hopefully you will be able to text ur best friend that you''re engaged.

Also, I know my BF would probably wait to propose now so it doesnt look like he did it just because the other guy did, so I if he says anything just say I know you''re just waiting to plan something bigger and better for us

goodluck and keep your head up

 

[absolut_blonde]

For what it''s worth, I had a similar incident today. I was bored at work (I gave my notice last week and I have NOTHING productive to do, seriously -- I''m not a slacker!) and looking at Facebook. I got a little bummed out by seeing how many people I know are engaged, already married and even have kids! I feel so left behind.

What you''re going through is normal. But you are obviously happy for her, too, even though it hurts -- and to me, that shows you are a good friend because you''re not letting your own situation cloud everything.

It''ll probably pass soon enough. It comes and goes for me. Sometimes I work myself up and just need to stop thinking about it for awhile.

 

[Izzy03]

I have had MANY of these episodes in the past few months. Of course you are happy for her, you are just a little jealous right now. I have found that I get very upset when I hear a friend has gotten engaged, and about a week later I am over it and excited for them.

Other posters think that you should have opened up and told your BF when he asked you what you were hinting at, but I think it is good you didn''t say anything while you were still emotional. Perhaps when your emotions are under control you can tell him how it made you feel to hear about the engagement.

About a month ago a friend of mine who has only been married for 9 months called me to tell me she was seven weeks pregnant. Then she asked me "are you and your BF planning on getting married?" I was fuming! After I chilled out I told my BF that I was getting annoyed hearing about people getting married and having children because that is what I want in my life right now (at least the getting married part!) If felt good to tell him that I had to hide my jealousy and pretend to be thrilled for others.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Well I would just like to comment - being on the other side of that fence. I was the first out of my group of girlfriends to get engaged... and I could tell there was a bit of resentment in the room once my fiancee and I announced our engagement. I know they were happy for me - but I also know they were a bit envious - and weren''t very good at hiding it. It didn''t feel too good.... Actually - it felt kinda crappy. I don''t get why girls are so competitive... Guys don''t give a crap when their friends get engaged or say to themselves "awww why not me!!"

just my two cents.

 

[Izzy03]

Ilovethiswebsite: Wow! I am so glad you gave that bit of insight! I will definitely keep that in mind next time I hear the news that someone is engaged. Regardless of what my first emotion is I will give them a big hug and gush over their ring!

I am so sorry you had to go through that, and I am sure MOST of them were happy for you but envy can hit hard and mask other emotions. Personally, after my initial wave of envy passes, I always find myself very happy for others.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 6/24/2008 10:57:19 PM
Author: Izzy03
Ilovethiswebsite: Wow! I am so glad you gave that bit of insight! I will definitely keep that in mind next time I hear the news that someone is engaged. Regardless of what my first emotion is I will give them a big hug and gush over their ring!

I am so sorry you had to go through that, and I am sure MOST of them were happy for you but envy can hit hard and mask other emotions. Personally, after my initial wave of envy passes, I always find myself very happy for others.

Hi Izzy,

I am sure they were all very happy for me, but like you said, sometimes you can''t help and feel a but envious esp. when you are waiting for a proposal yourself... Just sucked that it was pretty evident... I didn''t really care for them gushing over my ring I just wanted them to be happy and elated - cause I was!!!

Overall it was a wonderful night though - my family was so happy! hehehe

 

[choro72]

Awww...I think you handled it pretty well with your friend. Here, have some ice cream. I think it''s too hot for cupcake

 

[bubbly1126]

Sorry that it has taken me so long to respond... We''ve been super busy moving and such.

Thanks for all your advice and for letting me vent to all of you lovely ladies. I know I was being a brat but I quickly got over it and am very happy for her.

hisdiamondgirl: Yes, that is me. Luckily though, I do not have Fibromyalgia and am on my way to healing! I just need to have physical therapy for a while and pay really close attention to my posture. (Poor computer posture over the years has created trigger points in various points of my body and they are VERY painful!)

Now on with our move! We''re all settled in and loving it! I finally feel as though we''re getting somewhere here! Hehe. I am feeling a little down about the engagement thing today though b/c well, it''s almost that time of the month and I am just a wreck emotionally. (Am I the only one who gets extremely emotional during that time of the month?! B/c seriously, my emotions are just constantly up and down, back and forth. It''s quite ridiculous! lol)

I didn''t go to the gym at all this past week b/c we''ve been so busy but tomorrow right after work, my butt is back there! I need to channel this frustration somehow! haha... nothing better than losing some weight and not bugging BF about a proposal!

So anyway, CONGRATS to all the ladies who''ve gotten engaged recently, I saw there were a few of you... your rings are lovely and I am very happy for you! I LOVE reading the engagement stories!

...and again, a big THANKS to all of you!

 

[Bliss]

Awwww, sounds like you were feeling emotional lately. LIW-itis!

It isn''t that you aren''t happy for your friend. I can relate. Once, for no reason - after an entire day of wedding dress shopping with my best friend... which was fun fun fun, I started crying when I got home. And I have no idea why! I guess it was just such an emotionally FULL day, you know? And I wasn''t even an LIW and then-FI was ready to be engaged. It was just emotional and I think it stirs up a lot of feelings. Kind of like crying over Hallmark cards when you''re full of feelings.

I''m sure you''re thinking about big things in your life. And it makes sense you might get overwhelmed sometimes. I don''t think that takes away from your joy for your friend. So long as you do cry it out in private or with bf and family, you can then face your friend with a happy smile and true joy. It''s OK. Don''t beat yourself up. Repressing feelings isn''t good for you or for anyone.

LIW-itis can be stressful and sometimes a good cry can really make you feel better.

 

[supergirl10]

boy oh boy can i relate and it was just over a month ago... it was nearly the same situation except it was a phone call so i really had to bring out the academy award style acting to sound happy and it was my younger sister. Please search for and read my thread "upsetting news" if you get a chance, hopefully it might make u feel better!

From my personal experince i disagree with others, do talk about it, but don''t talk to SO right away when you are still super emotional. But def use experience to clarify your timeline (if you haven''t done so already).

Even though i was embarrased as hell to have SO see me ball like a baby,it did achieve one thing ... he saw how upset i truly was and it made him realise how important engagement was to me. He even admitted that he had just gotten comfortable and should have proposed months ago. I still have waves of emotion thinking why did she have to get engaged first, petty i know i know, but i am doing much better and time does heal!!

In the end we both decided to use the experience to discuss what we wanted and unless something goes wrong i strongly suspect i will be engaged within a month!So happy news in the end.

 

[bubbly1126]

Bliss, I definitely agree that a good cry is a great thing once in a while! It''s a good frustration release for me. I am very happy for my friend and have gotten over it for the most part. Of course I still wish it was me too but my time will come eventually!

Supergirl, thanks for your input. I did read your story and I commend you for handling that with such grace and maturity! I do not have a younger sister but I''m sure that has to be much worse than just a friend getting engaged before you. So, good for you!

I think BF''s problem is that he''s also gotten comfortable... but I think he''s now beginning to realize how important it really is to me. He told me the other night that it is coming soon. (He told me about a month or two ago that it would be a year or a year and a half tops)... and now all of a sudden, it''s soon? Hmm... lol. But we all know there is boy soon and girl soon and there is usually a huge difference! lol.

I hope you get your proposal soon!! (girl soon, of course! hehe)

And thanks again, ladies!!!

 

[Missy0483]

I had pretty much the same thing happen to me last night. My bf had a softball game and the whole team went out afterwards for dinner. Well turns out one of the guys on the team proposed to his gf last week and she had the ring on last night. It was PERFECT! I was happy for her, but then I got all sad. My bf looks at me and goes "Maybe in 3 years!!!" Im like "WHAT! Quit saying that!!!!" It''s the second time he''s said it so I waited til we got home and asked him about it. He said he was only being sarcastic and just because she got her ring doesn''t mean I need one right now too and he''ll do it at the right time. Then he says "I''ll do it tomorrow" and I''m like "You won''t even see me tomorrow" and he says "You never know...." UGH he''s killing me here!!!!

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 7/10/2008 9:48:10 AM
Author: Missy0483
I had pretty much the same thing happen to me last night. My bf had a softball game and the whole team went out afterwards for dinner. Well turns out one of the guys on the team proposed to his gf last week and she had the ring on last night. It was PERFECT! I was happy for her, but then I got all sad. My bf looks at me and goes ''Maybe in 3 years!!!'' Im like ''WHAT! Quit saying that!!!!'' It''s the second time he''s said it so I waited til we got home and asked him about it. He said he was only being sarcastic and just because she got her ring doesn''t mean I need one right now too and he''ll do it at the right time. Then he says ''I''ll do it tomorrow'' and I''m like ''You won''t even see me tomorrow'' and he says ''You never know....'' UGH he''s killing me here!!!!

OMG Missy... lol. My BF is the same way.

He said he wants a 10 year window to propose so that I really never will know when it''s coming. When I said no way, he said "Well maybe I''ll propose tomorrow!" I''m like....???? "You dont even have the ring!!" "Maybe I do...?!" he says.

No hunny, I know you. You''re not that prepared for anything. You don''t have the damn ring. lol

 

[Missy0483]

Glad I''m not the only one then! I know he has the ring but he doesn''t know I know haha. I just need to stop thinking every second "Maybe he''s gonna do it now????.......or maybe now?"

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 7/10/2008 10:00:05 AM
Author: Missy0483
Glad I''m not the only one then! I know he has the ring but he doesn''t know I know haha. I just need to stop thinking every second ''Maybe he''s gonna do it now????.......or maybe now?''

The funny thing is, is that my mom has the ring. It''s an heirloom. I''ll know when he has it!!

Just try and relax. You obviously know it''s coming.

 

[LaraOnline]

inhisarms, you have found a great place to vent!

At least you are in a social circle where people *do* discuss marriage and children, and are open to the concept! (Some social circles can be pretty hardboiled in their 'anti-marriage' cynicism!

Perhaps you should send grateful thought to your girlfriend, for putting marriage firmly on the social agenda!

Don't give up hope...be happy...

I think you were right not to leap on the opportunity to lecture your man. Like you said, he already knows.

 

[meresal]

Ok, here's my take... And this is an honest opionion because you asked for them...

I wasn't going to post here because I have never been in this situation and wasn't sure how I would react, but my best friend, name her J, got engaged this past weekend, and when she told me I screamed, I cried, and I wanted to give her a huge hug just as soon as I had the chance!! She has been dating her FI for a little under 1 year, which is about a year less that C and I. However, I couldn't imagine not being excited for her. I will get engaged when the time is right, and that is that. All of us are L'sIW for some reason or another; and there is no point in possibly making my best friend, whom I love like a sister, feel bad about something that is supposed to be a true joy in her life. We had dinner last night and talked about this very subject, bc one of her other best friends is feeling a little sad and jealous, and it is really hurting J. She said that she congratulated her and stuff, but then immediately got off the phone, bc the other friend just couldn't talk about it anymore. (long story, but she's in a tough relationship, and has been with the guy for 5 yrs)

IMHO, no matter how much you think you're hiding it... I'm sure you best friend knows that you are acting different. She's your best friend for a reason. Be happy for her, and don't take the chance of making her feel bad for something she should be enjoying. Heck, you should ALL be enjoying this time. If you put yourself in her shoes, how would you react if your best friend wasn't truely excited for you? or if you knew she was crying over it?

PS: It sounds like you're doing better, which is a great thing!! Just keep smiling!!

ETA: My situation was completely flipped. I was the one that was happy for her and never said a thing about wishing it was "us", and C, my FF, was the one that felt bad because a few girls I know got engaged and he hasn't asked yet.

 

[bubbly1126]

Meresal, I absolutely agree that my inital reaction was pretty immature and such. However, the good thing was that she told me through text (instead of calling me b/c it was late- i got it early morning) and I was able to have a minute to myself to really think about how I would respond. I cried in private and never got even remotely upset when she and I would talk about it. She does know that I am a little jealous, of course, b/c she knows I''ve been waiting longer and was hoping to be engaged by now. But she has said herself that she is proud of how I have handled it with her even though she knows I am upset inside. (not b/c she got engaged first or anything, but just b/c I haven''t gotten engaged ''yet'')

I am doing a lot better though and I do appreciate your honest opinion, very much.

Everyone else, I''m at work and don''t have much time to write responses but I will when I get back from the gym tonight.