HELP! My mom HATES my ff!!

[radiantlvr329]

Ok...I''ve been a fan of pricescope for a few months now but I just signed up today! Truth is I''ve read some really great advice on here and I''m needing some of my own. Ok here it goes!

My ff and I have been together for almost four years. He is AMAZING He is kind, compassionate, loving, handsome, hilarious, and the list goes on and on. The only problem is my mom HATES him. And I don''t mean she dislikes him...she really hates him. I''m an only "child" (I''m 25) and my mom has been divorced since I was little. She has never remarried and hasn''t dated in I don''t know how long. Her social life is non existent and she never hangs out with friends. With that said for the longest time it was just me and my mom. Well when ff came around things changed. He is not allowed at her house, we have never spent holidays with her and anytime his name is mentioned I get an earful. He and I have been living together for two years now and he recently bought a ring

I''m soooo excited and I have no idea when he will propose (I''m about to burst with excitement!). But....what is supposed to be an exciting time in my life is being rained on by my mom. I haven''t told her about the ring yet but I know as soon as I do she will explode. She has no reason to dislike him and anytime I ask her what her problem is with him she never gives me a direct answer. She has said on numerous occasions that if I marry him that I will be dead to her (she literally said she would put a headstone in her yard with my name on it). She has also said that if we have children that she will not have anything to do with them.

I know I''m an adult and it''s my life...I just wish I wouldn''t have to deal with this. I don''t know what to do and it''s really driving me crazy. I don''t want to ruin the relationship with my mom but I WILL NOT give up the wonderful life I have with my ff....Please help me ladies!

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 9/14/2009 3:09:55 PM
Author:radiantlvr329
Ok...I''ve been a fan of pricescope for a few months now but I just signed up today! Truth is I''ve read some really great advice on here and I''m needing some of my own. Ok here it goes!

My ff and I have been together for almost four years. He is AMAZING He is kind, compassionate, loving, handsome, hilarious, and the list goes on and on. The only problem is my mom HATES him. And I don''t mean she dislikes him...she really hates him. I''m an only ''child'' (I''m 25) and my mom has been divorced since I was little. She has never remarried and hasn''t dated in I don''t know how long. Her social life is non existent and she never hangs out with friends. With that said for the longest time it was just me and my mom. Well when ff came around things changed. He is not allowed at her house, we have never spent holidays with her and anytime his name is mentioned I get an earful. He and I have been living together for two years now and he recently bought a ring

I''m soooo excited and I have no idea when he will propose (I''m about to burst with excitement!). But....what is supposed to be an exciting time in my life is being rained on by my mom. I haven''t told her about the ring yet but I know as soon as I do she will explode. She has no reason to dislike him and anytime I ask her what her problem is with him she never gives me a direct answer. She has said on numerous occasions that if I marry him that I will be dead to her (she literally said she would put a headstone in her yard with my name on it). She has also said that if we have children that she will not have anything to do with them.

I know I''m an adult and it''s my life...I just wish I wouldn''t have to deal with this. I don''t know what to do and it''s really driving me crazy. I don''t want to ruin the relationship with my mom but I WILL NOT give up the wonderful life I have with my ff....Please help me ladies!

then buy that headstone for her.

unless an incident in the past has happend with your FF and you told your mother about it (fidelity, age, trust, etc) and she has cause for concern, it sounds like she needs to put on her big kid undies and at least meet your ff and know that he is the man you plan on marrying.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I think you answered your own problem. You will not give up your wonderful life with ff for any reason Nor should you have to. I would sit down and explain to your mom how you feel and that regardless of how she feels, he is the man you are going to marry. She can either 1.) Mope and complain and continue on that way or 2.) Put on her big girl pants and just be happy for you.

 

[radiantlvr329]

No there isn''t anything that she should be concerned about. She''s met him before and he was around her when we first started dating but when it got serious things changed. Thank you for your advice...

 

[MonkeyPants]

Sounds like your mom is jealous? I mean, if you ARE her social life I could see how she''d get all nutso over losing you to your SO. But still, she is sounding a bit extreme in her threats. Have you really sat down to talk to her about why the heck she has such a visceral reaction to him? Maybe she needs reassurance that you won''t stop loving her just because you and SO decided to get married and have kids.

 

[radiantlvr329]

Sounds like your mom is jealous? I mean, if you ARE her social life I could see how she''d get all nutso over losing you to your SO. But still, she is sounding a bit extreme in her threats. Have you really sat down to talk to her about why the heck she has such a visceral reaction to him? Maybe she needs reassurance that you won''t stop loving her just because you and SO decided to get married and have kids.

*June 20th 2010* Woot!


I think she''s jealous too. Yeah I''ve tried talking to her...but it''s the same conversation over and over again. She''s the type of person that once she makes up her mind that''s it. I really appreciate all the advice. She just needs to get over it...It''s just nice to get some reassurance!

 

[Luckyeshe]

{{{{HUGS}}}}

First off, welcome to the forum

!

About your mom, I think you need to be open to her about the possibility of your engagement. I think she just might take it worse, if you just call her after the engagement and tell her that you two are engaged. Maybe her attitude is mainly the fear of losing you. She may have given up on the opposite sex completely and just doesn''t want to see you hurt. Ask her again (if possilbe face to face) as to why she hates your SO. The two of you need to get this out of the open since she''s your mother and he''s going to be your FH in the near future. If she can''t give you valid reason, then you''re just gonna have to accept the chance that your mom will not accept him and will make it difficult for you and your future family. Even though you may not be ok with that, it appears that you''re going to have to sacrifice one for the other. In my opinion, in time, she''ll accept him and any children you may have with him since you are her one and only and she loves you. She''s probably doing everything because she loves you and just doesn''t want you to ever be hurt like she has been in the past. She may also think that she''s losing her baby and she''s not doing too good with the idea. I hope that this may help you with some insight about her, or I could be way off. I wish you the best of luck on this!

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Is this controlling behavior unusual for your mother?

 

[radiantlvr329]

Unfortunately this behavior is quite common for her...

 

[Bia]

Your mother sounds very emotionally dependent on you. You may have to accept that she is never going to like him, justified or not (from what you've said she has no reason not to like him), and if that is the case, then so be it. Just because she brought you into this world, doesn't mean she is allowed to live YOUR life. You have every right to want to find true love and happiness (which you have). As an independent, 25-yr-old woman, you have to be grown up enough to explain that she lived her life and now you're happily living yours, so BUTT OUT <---eta: not necessarily in that manner, it is your moms after all

(but over-possessive, controlling parents really bother me...can you tell?)

But remember that because she is also an adult, not liking your man is her choice. Maybe if you let her know that your boyfriend IS going to be your husband (whether she likes it or not), she'll come around(?). To be honest, she sounds either depressed, or just very lonely - so maybe start there.

I know it's not easy - I am very close to my mom, so I don't know how I'd feel exactly. What I do know is, NO ONE would be able to tell me I can't be with someone I love. Not my mom, not my dad...no one.

Good luck to you...

 

[radiantlvr329]

Luckyeshe.....

I''ve never thought of it that way. I''m sure she is hurting, but at the same time she''s hurting me in the process

See this is why I love pricescope! So many nice people Thank you for helping me see it from another side!

 

[Luckyeshe]

You''re welcome, radiantlvr! I try to see things from the other side all the time. It''s what keeps me from giving up on my own mother

! I''ve come to the conclusions, that as moms, they just can''t help themselves!!

 

[KimberlyH]

If I were in your shoes feeling some control over the situation would be helpful to me. I think I would tell her that you plan to spend your life with him and it is time for her to accept that. Give her some boundaries: she is not allowed to say bad things about him anymore, she will respect him, etc. and if she does begin to say something bad about him I''d immediately cease contact (i.e. if you''re on the phone say "I''m hanging up now, call me when you''re ready to treat boyfriend with respect", if you''re visiting, pick up and leave with a similar statement about her getting in touch when she''s ready not to say bad things about him). No need to fuss and fight, but you don''t have to listen to her, either. BUt you''ll have to follow through with saying it''s unacceptable and putting an end to the visit every time, no matter where you are (out to dinner, drop your 1/2 of the bill on the table; shopping, immediately proceed to the car and leave). I would give her one more chance, during the conversation about her not being allowed to speak poorly of him anymore, to explain why she feels what she does (not just "He''s a jerk" but what it is exactly that concerns her about him), but then I''d be done with it.

I wish you much luck, what a crappy situation your mom has put you in.

 

[Treasure43]

As someone with a mother who sounds eerily similar to yours, I can tell you that my mother got the same way any time I got serious with any boyfriends. Finally I stood up to her and told her that I was not going to let her control me anymore. After FI and I got engaged there was all sorts of erratic behavior (suicide threats, yelling, crying, etc) but I simply told her that it was OUR wedding and OUR life and I want very much for her to be a part of it but I will not be bullied and I will not give up the wonderful life I have with FI. Like your mother, mine is emotionally dependent on me, I''m an only child and her life revolves around me in an unhealthy way. Luckily she is married and my stepfather is a very understanding and patient guy and this is a bit of a buffer for me I think.

Anyway, as someone who has been there, I completely understand and it is really hard to feel like your mother is raining on your special time. My mother created a scene when we first got engaged but seems to be ok for now (though I worry about the future sometimes...actually getting married, having kids, etc). It''s very difficult to deal with BUT since your mother has no reason to dislike him I''m betting that she dislikes him solely because she feels like he is taking you away from her. My mother is currently having issues with the fact that FI''s parents live 10 min away and my parents like 9 hours away. She feels like she''s being replaced. I''d let your mother know you love her and she''ll always be your mother, HOWEVER, that you two planned to get married no matter what. I wouldn''t advise springing it on her, perhaps bring it up and give her some time to get used to it. Only you know what''s best.

Best of luck and feel free to PM me if you want to chat some more!

 

[Circe]

I was engaged at 19 (we broke the engagement some 2 years later). My parents HATED this decision. They kicked, they screamed, they independently disowned me once apiece ... the works. And then they got over it when they saw that it wasn''t going to change my mind, but only cut them out of my life completely.

I don''t know if your mom will get over it the way my parents did. In their defence, I *was* awfully young, and I think they thought they were trying to keep me from making an awful mistake. But what *I* needed was to be independent and make my own decisions. No matter what your mom feels, you need that, too. If she had some kind of a logical reason, I''d say you could talk this out, but ....

Like LuckyShe suggests, give it a shot and talk to her ... and if she engages in unprompted hysterics, leave. A lot of these threats sound pretty emotionally abusive, and no matter what the underlying motivations may be, that sort of thing is not good for *you,* y''know?

 

[sparklyheart]

This must be so tough radiant!! It sounds like there are two possibilities here.. Sometimes parents see a lot more than we do or they see different things so sometimes their concerns are valid. However, since you said this behavior is not new for your mom then it may be one of those situations where it''s her problem and not so much yours (even though it is clearly a problem FOR you). She is still your mom though and I think it would suck to lose her over something like this. Maybe the best you can do is sit her down and have a talk and ask that there be no yelling. Listen to what she says and continue to ask her directly about her concerns. You may get an earfull of crap but at least you are hearing her out. If she continues to avoid the topic then tell her flat out that you are getting engaged and want her in your life but that she can''t be in your life like this. At least give her a heads up and a chance to explain her concerns before you spring an engagement on her. There may be no simple answer and no resolution of the problem but at least later on she can''t come back and say you never gave her a chance to say her piece. Good luck with her and ***dust*** for that ring that''s waiting for you!!!

 

[4ever]

I''ve experienced somthing similar.....not as extreme but similar.

My Bf moved countries to be with me. When he got here to stay and to start looking for a job my mum insisted he move into the family home and stay with my family as long as he wanted. So he moved in to my room. My parents wern''t the problem, they are both great and logical people and they could see he was a good guy and we are good together.

However, my older sister is not a logical person. For some reason, she decided she HATED Bf and would make sure we were as miserable as possible living here. She''d make nasty and evil comments, and just generally spit venom at BF every chance she got. She said horrible things about him to my mum and when confrounted went APE S!@# and did alot of screaming and yelling (no, she''s not a 2 year old, she''s in her mid 20''s). BF and I spent alot of time out of the house or in my room because it was just so hard to be at home with her around.

One day I was home with my sister and she was in a good mood, very chatty. So I got hertalking about what her problem was with BF and the real issues eventually came out. It''s not really about him, it''s about her not seeing me as much and her issues with serious relationships etc. I asked her what exactly she hated about him.....the only thing she could come up with is that he whines too much (very rich coming from her). I said I dissagree and we ended the converstation on good terms. I think she figgured out over the next week that BF dosn''t actually whine and complain at all, she based her whole concept about what an awful guy he was off this one time we had a dissagreement (not even an argument or anything) in the car when we couldn''t find my cousins wedding venue.

She''s much more polite and civil now. Theres no agro but she''s still oposed to me being in a serious relationship.

Anyway, I guess what I''m saying to you is, as you probably know, it''s not about your FF, it''s probably about your mum being scared of loosing you and her own issues with marrige and serious relationships. Maybe you could talk to her and ask her to expalin exactly what she dosn''t like about your FF and then just subtly assure her that your happy with him and you still want to be in your mums life and want her to be a part of yours? I think once she realises that she can''t change that you and FF are going to be together and that she''s not going to loose you she might calm down a bit.

 

[*Danielle*]

She sounds quite childish. I hate to bring this into it, but has she had counseling of any kind? Her behavior makes her sound unbalanced.

I hope you and your FF enjoy your life and if she truly is willing to cut you out because of your wonderful SO, then she wasn''t worth being there int he first place.

 

[mousey]

First- sorry this is happening to you. This should be an amazing time for you (congrats by the way), and its always horrid when someone you love makes you feel bad about something you should be happy about.
Second- two suggestions. First, I once had a falling out w my Mom (nothing similar), and anytime I tried talking to her she was really mean, and then I would get defensive, and the whole thing would escalate into an all out argument. Finally, I wrote her a letter. I was able to tell her, without getting angry, everything I felt. And it really helped.
My second suggestion is that maybe your FF could try something??? Like ''asking for your hand'', or explaining that he knows how important she is to you, and he wants to get on with her, etc etc. Maybe it would make her feel less alienated or something.
In the end though, she just has to stop acting like this!

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 9/14/2009 3:17:02 PM
Author: jcarlylew

Date: 9/14/2009 3:09:55 PM

Author:radiantlvr329

Ok...I''ve been a fan of pricescope for a few months now but I just signed up today! Truth is I''ve read some really great advice on here and I''m needing some of my own. Ok here it goes!


My ff and I have been together for almost four years. He is AMAZING He is kind, compassionate, loving, handsome, hilarious, and the list goes on and on. The only problem is my mom HATES him. And I don''t mean she dislikes him...she really hates him. I''m an only ''child'' (I''m 25) and my mom has been divorced since I was little. She has never remarried and hasn''t dated in I don''t know how long. Her social life is non existent and she never hangs out with friends. With that said for the longest time it was just me and my mom. Well when ff came around things changed. He is not allowed at her house, we have never spent holidays with her and anytime his name is mentioned I get an earful. He and I have been living together for two years now and he recently bought a ring

I''m soooo excited and I have no idea when he will propose (I''m about to burst with excitement!). But....what is supposed to be an exciting time in my life is being rained on by my mom. I haven''t told her about the ring yet but I know as soon as I do she will explode. She has no reason to dislike him and anytime I ask her what her problem is with him she never gives me a direct answer. She has said on numerous occasions that if I marry him that I will be dead to her (she literally said she would put a headstone in her yard with my name on it). She has also said that if we have children that she will not have anything to do with them.

I know I''m an adult and it''s my life...I just wish I wouldn''t have to deal with this. I don''t know what to do and it''s really driving me crazy. I don''t want to ruin the relationship with my mom but I WILL NOT give up the wonderful life I have with my ff....Please help me ladies!

then buy that headstone for her.


unless an incident in the past has happend with your FF and you told your mother about it (fidelity, age, trust, etc) and she has cause for concern, it sounds like she needs to put on her big kid undies and at least meet your ff and know that he is the man you plan on marrying.

I agree.... also that statement with the kids. That is something I would not stand. She is being beyond controlling and hyper aggressive and she has no right to do that. I would tell her if she can''t be nice an accept your BF then YOU will cease contact until she can. YOU need to grab the reigns and it will be tough but you need to let her know you mean business.

 

[LitigatorChick]

I can also share a similar experience.

My mom and dad LOVED my ex husband. Thought he was great. They just didn''t see how crappy he treated me, and he was skilled at putting on a great show. He was good "on paper".

Well, ex left me and mom and dad worried about me like crazy. I dated a bunch of guys and then FI enters my life. It is a whirlwind romance, and we are shopping for rings 1 month after meeting. He basically moves in as soon as we start dating. Add to that that he used to be a stripper. So not good on paper....... Mom and dad don''t like him. I refuse to speak to them.

I eventually talk to my mom, and in the end, her fears are for me getting hurt again and that FI is some sort of stripper gold digger (oh my..). Anyway, I am working to deal with her concerns, which are not really FI, but her concerns for me.

Point is, getting to the root of the issue may make it way easier to solve.

But in the end, mom and dad don''t get to decide who we love and often, they aren''t the best judges of that!!! You are: follow your heart.

 

[radiantlvr329]

Sorry it''s taken me awhile to respond I figured I would just respond to everyone in one post so here it goes! Once again...I REALLY appreciate all the advice. It''s sad to know that other people have gone through similar situations but at the same time its kind of comforting. It''s crazy to think that there are people out there who are so unhappy that they strive to make others unhappy as well. I hate that this issue is hanging over my head at what should be a fun and exciting time. Everytime I think about him proposing I have such mixed emotions. I''m so eager to be engaged to the man of my dreams but I''m worried about the backlash that will come from her. I''ve actually thought about not telling her as soon as it happens so that I can at least have a few days of happiness. How sad is that? I don''t want to tell my mother I''m engaged...wow. It would be different if other people were raising red flags about him but EVERYONE else is so happy for us. My moms behavior is not out of the norm for her so I know this has nothing to do with him. I''m not a mother myself so I do not understand the bond a mother has with her child. I''m sure she does feel as though I''m leaving her behind and moving on with my life. I''m sure that hurts but it does not excuse her behavior. For the person who asked about counceling....no she has not had any....believe me I''ve tried. I failed to mention that she is also the type of person who thinks she does no wrong. Yep, everyone else is wrong but her.

Reading everyones advice on here has really helped. I''m in love with my ff and I''m not going to let anyone stop me from being with him. I don''t want to end the relationship with her but at the same time I''m not going to let her control my decisions. If she chooses to not speak with me anymore then that''s her choice. I''m going to try talking to her again about this and if it gets heated then I''m just going to walk away from the situation. Bottom line...no one has the right to tell me how to live MY life

(that feels good to say). She''s my mother and I love her very much but she is making the choice to be unhappy...that''s not the life I want to lead. Please continue to reply...I need all the advice I can get!

Oh and Treasure43...I would love to chat with you somemore...but since I am new to forums I''m not sure how to PM you...or what PMing is for that matter

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Okay, I am a mother and have a daughter who is close to being engaged, and I will have to tell you, there is nothing normal about your mother''s reaction. In fact, I am sorry to say that I think she has mental problems. If this was some kind of quick romance or something, I could understand the concerns. But you have been together a long time and already live together! So getting married really isn''t going to change things a whole lot.

Bottom line, I think you''ll have to tell her that you love her very much and that no one will ever take her place. But you are grown up and it is time to start your own family. You''d love for her to continue to be a part of that family and be a grandmother to your future children. But you cannot allow her to be a part of that if she is going to hate your husband. It''s her choice...she can choose to love or hate...but she is mainly making herself miserable as things are now.