Help my whole thought process is completely messed up

[MustangFan]

I want to get engaged and it''s taking over my mind. It seems as if lately any little trigger about engagement or marriage puts me in an upset state. I get moody and he wants to know why, but if I will him why everytime, I will feel as though I''m pressuring him because now it''s averaging about once a day. I''ve told him a few times how much it means to me. We were friends first for 3 months, have been dating for the past 5 months. I know this isn''t long at all, but I told him I could see us together forever after 3 weeks. I knew right away, we know each other very well and spend every day together. I practically live with him, I help out with maintaining the house. I''m 23 and he''s 28, we finish each others sentences, we talk out our probs, but this is one thing we haven''t been able to solve yet. I just want that extra step towards commitment, an engagement in the next few month would be nice, but I think I''m coming to realise that there is no intention of it happening within the next 3-6 months. I asked him when, and he will not give me a time frame, because he wants me to be surprised, but not knowing around when is driving me insane. He won''t even tell me "around" because he doesn''t want to be pressured, but it''s ruining me. I know this sounds ridiculous, but when I get afixiated on something I really want, I''m like a horse with blinders. I told him that he''s too busy buying things for his truck to even think of it as a priority. Now, he tells me last night, he was looking online to find a handpainter, to have my name written on his truck which was supposed to be a surprise, but I got upset again. This is his idea of commitment, he says to me, "don''t you understand what that means??!!!" He says, "everything I do I''m thinking about two now, when are you going to realize that?" I do realize this, but for me it''s not good enough. How can I get this out of my head and enjoy "us"? I''ve tried just brushing it off but it comes back to haunt me.

 

[decodelighted]

Mustang, you asked for advice and here''s mine: you have got to toughen up and realize that part of being in a mature, two-way relationship means that you don''t get everything you want, when you want it, how you want it. Considering the length of time you''ve been dating your stream-of-consciousness rant sounds (in my opinion only) like a bratty child who can''t get her way.

Maybe you''d prefer an engagement ring over your name being painted on the side of his truck - but I suggest that you look to his intentions & comfort yourself with the fact that he probably wouldn''t go to the expense & trouble of doing that if he didn''t think you''d be in the picture for a while/forever?

Seriously chill. The best way to have a good partner is to BE A GOOD PARTNER. And being a good partner means considering the other person''s needs in addition and sometimes as the cost of your own. Capiche?

 

[umgoblue2003]

Sounds like there''s a lot of tension!!

Have you actually talked to him about getting engaged and married? He may be totally oblivious to the fact that you''re ready and waiting. (he''s a guy after all )

I totally know what you''re saying tho - i used to feel the SAME way. I''d get so ansy when I''d hear about other people getting engaged, or see a DeBeer''s commercial on TV... so I just started joking around about it.

Since my BF always talks about having kids, getting dogs, the type of house we''re going to live in, etc (basically things that arent going to happen for at least the next 7-9 years...) I always joke around with him, asking him "soooooooo...when are you going to engage me?" He thinks it''s hillarious because of the way I use the word engage
Also, if you happen to be at the mall together just wander into a jewelery store. I was like, "oh i want to look at earrings" and of course the salesperson was like, "oh you two are so cute! let me show you some rings!!" and that''s kind of how things started with us looking around for rings.

You could always just look at engagement rings online and he''ll be like, "what are you looking at" and be like, "isnt this gorgeous?!" and maybe he''ll get the hint

I hope everything works out!!!

good luck!

 

[E B]

Mustang,

5 months is too soon. For some guys, 5 years is too soon. It''s wonderful that you''ve found the love of your life, but to be completely honest, I''d chill for the sake of the relationship. He could easily freak out at any moment and not only would there be no engagement, there''d be no love of your life. Too much pressure isn''t good for anyone. Be comforted by the fact that you know he loves you and an engagement will come when it''s right.

 

[MustangFan]

Thanks for the comments. The ring conversation has been brought up, he said well maybe I already have something picked out. I said stop joking with me that''s cruel! He said well I haven''t physically bought it yet, but I have an idea. I told him well how do you know it''s what I want? Then the whole size issue got brought up. We had a big argument about it, later on that night I showed him sapphire stones online which were over a carat. I understand that diamonds are expensive,but I don''t want to compromise size, so I''ve decided on a sapphire which is cheaper alternative, and to me a compromise , but he sees it as all the same 1 carat diamond, 1 carat sapphire. Which I thought I was being realistic with wanting a 2k-4k ring which was half the price of the diamond ring and he thinks it''s unrealistic. He caught me looking by myself, and I started snickering. You''re right it does help to make a joke about it. I don''t bring up rings, I don''t make him to think that''s all I care about.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

5 months?! Whoa, slow down and chill out. That''s awfully soon.

Maybe he''s just not ready yet. He''ll do it when the time is right and the worst thing you can possibly do is bug him about it.

 

[Scintillating]

Too soon honey. Relax.
Enjoy being together. Enjoy this special time in your relationship - the first bloom of love, it's a great stage. Build your relationship. Try not to rush or force things. Just let it happen organically.

Scintillating...

 

[sistagrl2004]

I''m sorry but 5 months? I recognize that people can fall in love etc that quick, but I think I would get icked out if someone got all obsessive about marriage etc that early. Perhaps you should look into hobbies etc. In 2006, 5 months is nothing and you are still VERY young!

 

[allycat0303]

Mustang,

Alright, take a deep calming breath. 5 months is REALLY not long, it barely enough time for the first thrill of love to wear off. Your 23, relax, enjoy the beginning stages of your relationship, there is truly a lot that you can learn about him. If it would ease your mind, then ask him if he can see himself spending the rest of his life with you. At this point, it might be really premature to be demanding promises etc., he probably needs some more time to be 100% sure that he''s making the right choice (and you should too).

Hope it works out!

 

[MustangFan]

I don''t feel time is an issue. We both came out of 5 year relationships we both lived with other people, we had fallen in-love in less than 3 weeks of dating and I told him I was looking to find someone to settle down with when we were still friends. I realise 5 months is very soon for most, but we already already gotten to know each other even before that. When you know it''s right you just know. It''s just hard to wait sometimes, and I was just looking for advice on how to "ease" the waiting

 

[caligal]

At 5 months I also knew I wanted to marry my boyfriend, so I understand where you are coming from. And it has been over a year since that 5 month pt. Here''s what I did to take my mind off it and not rush things.... 1. Focus on all things I wanted to do with him regardless of engagement: go on vacations, visit my family, move in together, etc... 2. Keep my female relationships up. Talk to your friends, make plans, go shopping, etc.. It is great to keep those connections strong- it gives you a life outside your relationship! 3. Are you doing everything you want to do? Do you have tons of hobbies? If not- start tapping into those! In addition to my great relationship, I love to work out, talk on the phone, go shopping, scrapbook, read, and go for hikes. It keeps you interesting, and seeing you have a full life will be attractive to any man. 4. Repeat the following mantra: everything happens for a reason and will come to you in due time. While you may be ready, he needs some time to get ready to propose! Give yourself 3 months of little to no discussion of engagement and see what happens. That is my advice- hope it works for you!

 

[Mandarine]

A agree 100% with Caligal...and also with the other ones that say it is too soon....but here are my thoughts...

I think I knew I wanted to marry my BF almost immediately!...now, I also knew that was a "little" unreasonable and I was worried I wasn''t going to enjoy the "meantime". There is this book called "In the meantime". I''m not sure if any of you have read it...but it''s great!...at least it was for me (I didn''t read the entire book, but bits and pieces). It has some lessons that are still with me. The main one is that while you might be ready to meet the love of your life, the love of your life might not be ready to meet you....and there comes the "meantime"!

Just because he is not ready to talk about timelines, etc (which is too soon, specially for a boy!) doesn''t mean that he won''t be ready later on.

This is what I did...I gave myself a "reasonable" timeframe...in which I knew it was almost impossible a "boy" would be ready to talk life long commitments. I said to myself: "just wait a year...enjoy it to the fullest (take vacations, laugh, enjoy dinners, friends, work, etc)...once a year has gone by, if you still feel the same way...then drop a hint or two, just to see how he acts".

So that''s what I did...I''ve been with him now for a little over a year and a half...and I had a "serious" commitment talk only about a month ago.

So, good luck...relax and don''t drive yourself nuts. If this is truly the man of your life you are going to wonder later on why you didn''t just enjoy this time.

I hope this helps!

M~

 

[firebirdgold]

If you have a somewhat obssesive nature like me, you might want to try refocusing the fixation onto something else. Something distracting. Do you have any pets? You might want to think about getting a puppy you can fuss over. Training and housebreaking a puppy can be pretty time/energy-consuming.

And chill.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

I still think that you need to wait longer. When I met my current fiance I had just gotten out of a 4+ year relationship in which I lived with the person, shared finances, etc. We were engaged that long too. When I started dating my ex, we had supposedly been in love since high school (4 years) and got engaged within a month of dating. After the break-up, I realized that one month was WAY TOO SOON even though I had known him for 4 years. I found out stuff in those additional 4+ years that I wish I had known beforehand.

This time around, we waited a year and a half! I feel MUCH more secure in my relationship and I don't feel as if I'm blinded by the relationship like I was with my ex.

Trust me, time IS an issue, IMO. It doesn't matter whether you knew you wanted to marry someone when you first laid eyes on them or months later, you need to let the relationship develop! There are possibly things that you still don't know about the person. You need to let the puppy love phase pass and reality sink in before you make such an important step.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Date: 2/27/2006 7:20:43 PM
Author: Mandarine

So, good luck...relax and don''t drive yourself nuts. If this is truly the man of your life you are going to wonder later on why you didn''t just enjoy this time.

Furthermore, if this is the man you are meant to be with, you have the rest of your life to be with him. Don''t fret over the engagement now hon. I know its difficult, oh I know its extremely difficult! I similarily have only been with my beau for 3.5 mos but we know that we are meant to be together. So we let that knowledge sink in and take it one day at a time. Guys need time even if they know something, need time to physically anounce iot to the public and themselves. Putting your name on his truck is a huge step in the right direction. If my bf did something to that effect I would be etstatic but as is he can''t sya I love you back when he is at work with his coworkers in ear shot. But I accept it and don''t get all bothered by it. My best piece of advice is to take a step back, find lots of friends here you can vent with, and love your man each day for all that he can offer you.

AManda

 

[ilovesparkles]

I almost forgot

a really good piece of advice I got from an older friend. Don''t try to force things to work, just let the relationship happen. HUGE, I try to keep it in mind when I get all worked up over something, like the fact that its usually 10pm on Sunday before I hear from him. Um hello what have you been doing all day?!?!?!?! Usually its sleeping or watching sports, such is life.

 

[sleeping beauty]

Mustang,

I agree with everyone else here 5 months is really not a long time. I know its hard to wait when you are ready believe me i know i have been ready for a year (we''ve been dating for 3yrs) and it seems like forever. However, do keep in mind that if your guy is anything like mine cars to them is like diamonds to us. and if he wants to design your name on his truck then xonsider that a MAJOR step in wanting to be with you long term. Hang in there, your time will come.

 

[Caribou]

I have to say, and this is only my opinon, but you sound very immature to do something as serious as a commitment like marriage. I''m going to repeat what everyone else who responded to you has said it''s only been 5 months. Relax. Take a couple deep breathes, maybe a couple chugs of something hard (tequila, maybe?)

and try and think about something else.

Oh and when you can''t keep repeating to yourself ''it''s only been 5 months, it''s only been 5 months''

 

[MustangFan]

Thanks for the advise everyone. I actually feel alot better, and willing to wait for him. He is looking to refinance his home and found out he can save $300 more a month. He was in a really good mood and said to me, "Isn''t this great, I can start saving money for "us"!! He is so sweet! I''m just glad he''s not commitment shy and can handle my intense nature. I''m going to start concentrating on what we are going to do this summer, and helping him finish the house. etc

 

[anchor31]

My boyfriend first told me he wanted to marry me after five months of relationship. We''ll be engaged 2½-3 years later. If they start talking about it it doesn''t mean they are going to do it very soon! Pressuring him won''t help either. Make some get away plans, find fun activities to do. Enjoy your time together and take the time to build your relationship. Make sure you''re going in the same direction in your lives. Relax.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Date: 3/1/2006 9:18:21 AM
Author: MustangFan
Thanks for the advise everyone. I actually feel alot better, and willing to wait for him. He is looking to refinance his home and found out he can save $300 more a month. He was in a really good mood and said to me, ''Isn''t this great, I can start saving money for ''us''!! He is so sweet! I''m just glad he''s not commitment shy and can handle my intense nature. I''m going to start concentrating on what we are going to do this summer, and helping him finish the house. etc

I''m glad you feel better. I know that none of us really said anything you wanted to hear, but reality isn''t always peaches and cream. It sounds like he''s got good intentions with you and I really don''t think you have anything to worry about at this point. Just be patient and let the chips fall where they may. When I started dating my current fiance, he had just purchased a house and he''s all about home improvements. Helping out with home improvements are a GREAT way to keep yourself occupied and spend good quality time with him at the same time! Me and fiance''s favorite activity was working on the yard. We both love gardening. Like I said, develop that great relationship you have with him. I believe that if you do this, you will have a stronger engagement and marriage in the future!

 

[ladykemma]

i''ts a very very good sign that he''s thinking in "us" mode.

 

[chickflick]

It sounds like as long as you are working together on your future by saving money, working on the house, etc. your feelings of anxiousness ebb a bit. I''d just continue focusing on those things you can do to prepare for when the time comes. Nothing stregthens a relationship like working toward mutual goals!