HELP!!! need advice!!!

[kandis]

ok my boyfriend and I have been dating for about 9 months now, we are originally from British Columbia, Canada, he decided to move to london, ontario and he badly wanted to take me with him so I decided to come with him, I said well since I decided to move so far away from my family and friends and everything for you and I love you very much we should get engaged he said NO way we had a huge fight about it, we talked more he said that if you get engaged then you have to get married right away and have kids, i said thats not the case, we decided on a promise ring but I think thats to high school, i still think an engagement ring would be nice hes 26 and I am 20 we already live togther even have a joint bank account we share everything..........i dont understand what the big deal is am i waisting my time for a long heart ache in the future?? or am a just selfish??

 

[bee*]

I don't think that just because you moved to be with him, that's a good enough reason to be engaged, especially as he's not ready. If that was important to you for moving, then I think that should have been discussed before moving. For me personally, 9 months isn't a long period of time. Getting engaged is a commitment to getting married and I don't think that someone should get engaged if they're not ready to get married, which it sounds like he's not. I don't think that you're setting yourself up for heartache due to the fact that he doesn't want to get married after 9 months. Just relax and enjoy the relationship and let it go at it's own pace. I don't think that you're being selfish either. It's easy to get carried away and want everything quickly, but slow down a bit and enjoy the dating period. You'll be engaged and married for long enough.

ETA-in terms of not understanding the big deal, it's a huge deal getting engaged and married. You are saying that you want to be with that person forever so it's important that both of you want this and that it shouldn't be rushed.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/24/2008 3:35:24 PM
Author:kandis
ok my boyfriend and I have been dating for about 9 months now, we are originally from British Columbia, Canada, he decided to move to london, ontario and he badly wanted to take me with him so I decided to come with him, I said well since I decided to move so far away from my family and friends and everything for you and I love you very much we should get engaged he said NO way we had a huge fight about it, we talked more he said that if you get engaged then you have to get married right away and have kids, i said thats not the case, we decided on a promise ring but I think thats to high school, i still think an engagement ring would be nice hes 26 and I am 20 we already live togther even have a joint bank account we share everything..........i dont understand what the big deal is am i waisting my time for a long heart ache in the future?? or am a just selfish??

Marriage is a lot more than living together and sharing a bank account. If you can''t communicate something as basic as "I think we should get engaged if I am going to move this distance to be with you," then I don''t think it sounds like you are ready to be engaged yet anyway.

 

[kandis]

yeah very true, i guess i am rushing things, I do see myself with him hes there for me in everyway, how long after engagement should you get married tho?

 

[kandis]

what is marriage then ???

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/24/2008 4:10:00 PM
Author: kandis
what is marriage then ???

What do you think it is? What do you think it entails? Why do you want it NOW? How long have you lived with your boyfriend? In short, what makes you think you as a couple are ready to get engaged, when he said no way and you waited (it sounds like, anyway) until after you moved to bring up this rather huge expectation of yours?

 

[kandis]

ok we did discuss before we moved I didnt just spring it on him just now we have been living together for 8 mths now he asked me to move in really early in the relationship, he said no then he considered it, then he said no then said ok then maybe....maybe he is confused, engagement is a symbol of commitment and love, also in my mind its a sign of that he loves me and that i am already taken, he said he has never ever thought about engagement in his whole life until I brought it up, we did decide on a promise ring, then just recently he said well i dont want kids i said I dont either at this point then he said he will get me one when we pay of some bills he said in the summer he will get one, both our parents are divorced and there divorce ended very badly his whole life his dad has been saying never ever commit to anyone!!!!

 

[bee*]

Marriage is more than just living together and sharing a bank account. It''s committing to that person forever, when things get tough, if one of you gets sick, is in trouble etc. It''s being able to talk about anything, being each other''s best friend etc. In terms of how long you should get married after being engaged, it depends. We''re together nearly 9 years and are having a 19 month engagement due to the fact that over where we live in Ireland, there''s a huge waiting list for venues. What is important though is that when you get engaged, you are saying that you are getting married, so it''s important that you feel ready for marriage when you get engaged.

 

[kandis]

yes I know this but I love him and he loves me and I know he will stay with me forever and so will I......we have talked alot about this prior to moving and recently when we first met each other we just knew.....we can wait 5 years before we get married i dont care, I just thought an engagement would be appropriate for our situation

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/24/2008 4:22:40 PM
Author: kandis
ok we did discuss before we moved I didnt just spring it on him just now we have been living together for 8 mths now he asked me to move in really early in the relationship, he said no then he considered it, then he said no then said ok then maybe....maybe he is confused, engagement is a symbol of commitment and love, also in my mind its a sign of that he loves me and that i am already taken, he said he has never ever thought about engagement in his whole life until I brought it up, we did decide on a promise ring, then just recently he said well i dont want kids i said I dont either at this point then he said he will get me one when we pay of some bills he said in the summer he will get one, both our parents are divorced and there divorce ended very badly his whole life his dad has been saying never ever commit to anyone!!!!

Whoa. Ok, take a deep breath. I think not only are you coming across as being in a rush because of the things you''ve written so far, but also because you don''t seem to stop for air when writing.

I asked you about what marriage means to you, and your reply--all this quoted above--is about living together and being engaged. If he said, "I don''t want kids" and you said "I don''t either at this point" that''s NOT being in agreement on a huge life topic. Then, I don''t get this part, "he said he will get me one when we pay off some bills he said in the summer he will get one." Get one what? A kid?!

If both your parents are divorced and he''s grown up being told not to commit, why oh why do you think pouncing on him with saying, "Hey I moved X miles for you, I think we should get engaged" is the right approach? Clearly he needs time to THINK about it, to see if he is ready. In all honesty, you sound very, very young and have still not really told me one thing about MARRIAGE. Not being engaged, not wearing a ring on your finger so people know you are "already taken" (doesn''t a promise ring accomplish the same thing?)--what comes AFTER the engagement, and the marriage? What then? What is it all about? What are you responsibilities? What is your life path? I don''t know how you can BEGIN to think about living a life together with someone if you don''t know yet if your lives are leading in the same direction. If he doesn''t want kids and you do some day, that''s usually a deal breaker; you can''t compromise and only have half a kid.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

From a practical standpoint, marriage is a big deal. I cannot speak to the laws in Canada, although I suspect they are not too different, but marriage is a big deal in the US. You manage assets together and are often responsable for debts your partner owes, even if you had nothing to do with them. If something happens to one of you, the other gets to decide what to do; I know its morbid, but your SO is the one who decides if they pull the plug when there is a serious helth problem or makes your health decisions if you are incapacitated. If you decide the mariage is a mistake, a divorce is a much bigger deal than a break up. Not only do you have the heartache of a break up, you have to divide assets and pay legal fees. There are more, but I suspect they may not apply in Canada.

You have not been together long enough, nor do you seem ready to do this, imo. He isn''t ready and you don''t sound like you are either. What about a long distance relationship? I know you two would be on opposite sides of the country, but it would give you both some space which might make things clearer. You don''t want him to marry you just because he is moving and afraid to be away from you, rather than a deep commitment he is sure about. Living apart will show him either that he really isn''t ready to be that serious, or that he missies you terribly and needs you by his side. I don''t think a whirlwind situation like you have helps either of you and there are many strong examples on her of long distance couples who eventually get married and are very happy.

 

[bee*]

But love is simply not enough. Before you get engaged, you really need to talk about all eventualities. You hadn''t discussed marriage before a couple of days ago so there are still many things that need to be discussed. Kids seem to be one issue. He said that he doesn''t want them, you said that you didn''t want them right now. That''s a red flag-what if he doesn''t change his mind? Would you be happy with that? Not sure if you''re working or in college-what will happen when you finish that. Will you stay living where you are, will you move, do either of you want to move back to you home town, what jobs would you like etc. I don''t think that engagement is appropriate to your situation when one of you isn''t ready for it. It''s not just getting a ring, it''s making that commitment and he doesn''t want to make that yet.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/24/2008 4:35:44 PM
Author: kandis
yes I know this but I love him and he loves me and I know he will stay with me forever and so will I......we have talked alot about this prior to moving and recently when we first met each other we just knew.....we can wait 5 years before we get married i dont care, I just thought an engagement would be appropriate for our situation

Kandis, honey, maybe you *just knew*, but you brought up the topic of engagement and he FREAKED. He is NOT ready. Marriage is about both partners, so you need to give him the time and space to think about it. It sounds to me like you are still in the honeymoon stage of your relationship. Marriage is about MUCH more than just love. Love is a piece of it, an important piece, but there is more to it than that.

 

[gwendolyn]

bee-star, I just wanted to say that it''s nice how we''re tag-teaming on the same point in this thread. Go team!

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/24/2008 4:45:04 PM
Author: gwendolyn
bee-star, I just wanted to say that it''s nice how we''re tag-teaming on the same point in this thread. Go team!

haha the bee and gwen team strike again

Ditto to all you''ve written!

 

[kandis]

ok like it didnt FREAK him out!!! he said he would buy a ring in the summer all of a sudden I dont know maybe he thought about it........also I guess I could just move back to my home town and see what happens

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/24/2008 4:50:25 PM
Author: kandis
ok like it didnt FREAK him out!!! he said he would buy a ring in the summer all of a sudden I dont know maybe he thought about it........also I guess I could just move back to my home town and see what happens

Sorry, I thought from your initial use of the caps when he said "NO way" to getting engaged and then mentioned that you had a "huge fight" about it that he *did* freak out about it. That's certainly how it came across to me.

Why do you think he's going to buy you a ring this summer if he only just told you "NO way?" You said just now, "Maybe he thought about it." You don't know if he's reconsidered? Why don't you talk to him about it? And why would you move across the country to essentially have a fit about not getting engaged RIGHT NOW and then move back home? THIS is why I think you don't sound like you are ready for marriage. What will you do when the two of you have a disagreement once you're married? Pick up and leave at the first sign of trouble? That isn't how it works. I think if you chilled out and enjoyed living with him in this new environment, you *might* grow closer together as a couple and then actually *become* ready to get engaged. But not now, not like this. I'm sorry to be rude, but you sound like a sulking child who's disappointed after being let down by some unrealistically high expectations flopped.

 

[bee*]

I do have to agree with Gwen. Why not just enjoy the relationship for what it is at the moment. I thought he was getting you a promise ring, not an engagement ring this summer.It doesn''t sound like you''ve discussed long term futures at all-not a healthy foundation for an engagement.

 

[gwendolyn]

I know I''m coming across as being mean, and I really don''t intend to be that way, but you are so young, and this is so early in your relationship. Obviously this guy means a lot to you that you would move for him, and everyone can see that. Are you feeling insecure about things because you moved, and you think a ring is the only way for him to show the world he is serious about you in return? Don''t worry about what other people think! If you moved to be with him and live a life together, then remember that''s what it''s all about. I''ve been in an international long-distance relationship for 3.5 years and am currently living in another country to be with my boyfriend so we can live together before we get married. We''re taking it slowly to make sure we''re both ready (he is, I''m not). I''m also 10 years older than you are, so, I have to wonder, what''s your rush?

 

[Bia]

Honey, its only been 9 months! Slow down and enjoy this part of your relationship...no need to rush into an engagement.

If he asked you to go with him, that should have been a celebration in itself--one that says, "We have reached a HUGE milestone!" Don't barter your conditions based on his wanting to be with you. You should have moved with him because it was what you wanted, not to get a ring.

It's too early, IMO anyway.

 

[purrfectpear]

Everyone has given a lot of good points about the philosophy of engagements and marriage, but I will add some practical advice.

Can you afford to live alone?
Do you have a career, not just a job?
Are you absolutely OK in your life without him?

When the answer to all of those is YES, then and only then are you ready to "think" about engagement. You need to be an adult, with individual responsibilities, goals, and a whole independent person BEFORE you have anything to give to another.

 

[Independent Gal]

I have to agree with the other ladies here.

If marriage doesn''t seem like a HUUUUUUGE deal to you then you probably aren''t ready to get married. It should scare the crap out of you. Not in the sense that HE scares the crap out of you of course, but the idea of being married as such should be very scary to you even while its very exciting. That''s when you know you are mature enough to take on this enormous responsibility.

It also scares me a little that you say he doesn''t want kids, and you don''t want them ''right now''. You should NEVER NEVER marry someone if you aren''t on the same page about such a huge issue. And it sounds like you are too young still to know what page you are actually on. I know I didn''t make up my mind until I was 22 or so. And it would be a disastrous mistake to marry someone before you are sure. That will end a marriage. Often does.

If you don''t see it as a huge deal, you probably aren''t really seeing what it is that you''re committing to, or perhaps you haven''t seen enough of life to really FEEL it. Or else you haven''t cultivated enough independence and richness in your own life to be potentially sacrificing anything.

It is very good advice that Purrfectpear gave. You have to develop yourself into SOMEONE with your own accomplishments, competencies, directions, goals, ambitions, and strengths.

You have to grow into YOU before you can be a good partner.

Sure there are some other young brides on here, like Anchor and Musey, but they have their own direction, career, education, independence, and maturity.

Have you got these things? Tell us more about you and who you want to be and what you want out of life.

 

[Independent Gal]

Another thought: do you think you want him to marry you because you want him to prove that he loves you? You said something like that (about how the ring would prove he loves you).

Believe me, honey, a ring does not prove he loves you. Even marrying you doesn't prove he loves you. And even if he did, just being in love is NOT a good reason to get married. At least not on its own.

You should feel the proof. Not need to see it.

If you need to see it, then that's a red flag right there. Do you have any doubts?

 

[galeteia]

Everyone has already covered everything I wanted to say, so I''ll just give an ''Amen'' to the points that have been made.

As for length of engagement before marriage, that is entirely up to you; some people are engaged for years before they marry. The important thing is to know that yes, you both DO want to be married before the engagement happens.

There is nothing wrong with having a promise ring. If people ask, say that you two wanted a symbol that you were more serious than ''girlfriend of the month'' but aren''t ready to be engaged yet.

Keep in mind that you two can become common-law married through living together. There are several degrees of ''seriousness'' you can enter into that do not involve engagement or marriage.

Lastly, I''m going to repeat a quote about "Women marry expecting their husbands will change, men marry expecting their wives won''t change."

If he doesn''t want kids now, assume he''s not going to want kids later instead of assuming he''ll change his mind, or you will be setting yourself for misery. Kids is a topic you must agree on before you marry. You''re very young; you have lots of time to enjoy life and enjoy living with your boyfriend. People your age evolve quite dramatically in the next 5 years, you may end up being someone who doesn''t even want to be in your current relationship anymore.

 

[cutiegirl84]

I agree with the above posters. Although I''m 24 and certainly not a sage by any means on marriage, I just think 9 months is too short a time to get engaged, especially if your BF had that reaction to an engagement conversation. It''s important to know where your relationship is going if you are moving in together, especially moving for him, and to really know if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. Also, I would give the relationship more time, and you are already living together so he is committed to you. Take it slow and enjoy the ride.

I know for me at 9 months I was very happy with my boyfriend too but I''m glad to have been in our relationship for almost 7 years to really know I do want to spend my life with him. And if your BF is your future husband then you have the whole rest of your life to spend together, you don''t want to rush it just because you moved for him. Just my .02.

 

[Babyblue033]

Date: 5/25/2008 12:57:35 PM
Author: Independent Gal
You should feel the proof. Not need to see it.

Amen to that.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 5/24/2008 3:35:24 PM
Author:kandis
ok my boyfriend and I have been dating for about 9 months now, we are originally from British Columbia, Canada, he decided to move to london, ontario and he badly wanted to take me with him so I decided to come with him, I said well since I decided to move so far away from my family and friends and everything for you and I love you very much we should get engaged he said NO way we had a huge fight about it, we talked more he said that if you get engaged then you have to get married right away and have kids, i said thats not the case, we decided on a promise ring but I think thats to high school, i still think an engagement ring would be nice hes 26 and I am 20 we already live togther even have a joint bank account we share everything..........i dont understand what the big deal is am i waisting my time for a long heart ache in the future?? or am a just selfish??

After nine months you decided you would move to Ontario from BC to live with, and share a bank account with, a guy who said "NO WAY" to a commitment, or a promise of a commitment?

Did you think to have this conversation before you

embarked on this escapade?


I''m stopping there. Surfgirl, you wanna try the common sense approach? Deco? T-Gal?


(Yes. You''re wasting your time. Go home.)