HELP! Relationship advice for frustrated GF

[trillionaire]

Hello all,

SO and I have been dating for 4+ years (5 in September), and have been doing long distance for most of that time. I am in graduate school, and he has a job out of state, 4 hours away. My program is a PhD program, so I am stuck for the next several years. We had discussed his moving down here, first by 8/08, then by 1/09, but now he has gotten a promotion and number of great opportunities down the line, and he wants to stay with his job to advance his career. The contract that his company is working on is through 2011, and I really can''t fathom 3 more years of LDR.

His thinking is that whatever advances that he makes in his career will benefit us later, so that we won''t have to struggle when we get married. (he has a LOT of school debt) I am not a marriage enthusiast, and am certainly not campaigning for a ring, but the idea of a 8 year relationship, 7 years of LDR really just doesn''t sit well with me, even if the end goal is marriage.

We had been talking for the past year about him making this move, and all of this has suddenly changed in the past 2-3 weeks. I feel a bit abandoned, and very frustrated. I wouldn''t ask him to forego the opportunity, and if I were in his shoes, I can''t say that I wouldn''t make the same decision, but I am totally at a loss for what this will mean for our relationship. I am growing so fatigued of LDR... you spend so much energy and get a fraction of the support that you need, and you have no sense of stability, routine or continuity. I already got a dog in October ''07 because I needed companionship.

Does anyone have ANY advice? I need to hear from people who don''t know us personally, because friends and fam all think we are wonderful couple with a wonderful relationship (and we ARE!), so they don''t want to hear anything less than total optimism.

Background: We met in college, he is my 2nd BF, I am his 1st. He is 26, am 25.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Okay - this is just MY opinion so please don''t flame me.

Why not explore your "opportunities" and date other people? You have been together for a long time but it sounds like you are at a crossroads in life. At some point you will need to decide what is the best for you. You could wait around for another 3 years but what will happen then? He may say that he needs to have $X in savings or a house before getting engaged and so on and so on. Check out the LIW forum and you will see plenty of those stories going around and I find it sad, really.

I personally would not wait around that long for a guy. If it''s truly meant to be then in a few years you may find yourselves dating again and then planning a wedding. If not, then at least you will have the experience of dating others and potentially finding The One.

It is a tough choice to make, especially when you have so much vested in the relationship already. I wish you the best of luck!

Jess

 

[Dreamgirl]

Hello trillionaire! It does seem to be a bit of a rough situation. My SO and I spent our first year apart in different states. But that was only 1 year, the other 9 years he has lived here. (we are both 26, turning 27) and dont plan on getting married for another possibly 3 years. He is currently searching for "the job" for the same reasons your SO is "in" his job.

As for you, I could feel your pain for being together for this long, but apart from each other. This long of a "long distance" relationship must put a lot of strain on the both of you. It would be very hard to do! Is there any possible way you could transfer to another college in the town your SO lives in? I understand that you are in a PhD program, but you should still be able to transfer. Maybe you do not want to transfer, and I would understand that.

Goodness. If the two of you really do love each other, but are unable to move to be near the other at the time being, I would still just wait it out until you finish school. (I spent several years waiting for SO to finish college, even though he was in town...he still didn't have much "us" time available, though I did see him every day. I was patient and waited because I love him and figured he was worth the wait. He may possibly go back for his masters which again would make him very busy. But if this is what he wants to do, I have to wait.) Sometimes we have to make sacrifices to get where we want to be in life. Even if that includes a long distance relationship for another 3 years. It still stinks though.

 

[gwendolyn]

Hello, trillionaire. I TOTALLY feel you on being tired of an LDR. My boyfriend and I have been an international couple (him in the UK, me in the US) for much of our 3.5 years together. For the past 9 months, I have been in the UK doing grad school, so we are not in separate countries anymore, but we ARE STILL long distance! He is 200 miles away from where I go to school. And it SUCKS. It is so hard.

I would feel completely disappointed in your position, and then would probably feel guilty for feeling disappointed since he has legit reasons for staying where he is--can''t begrudge someone for bettering their career, but I wouldn''t want them to do it at the expense of our relationship! So, I would feel pretty torn, the way you sound like you are.

I think the prospect of another 3 YEARS of an LDR would be enough for me to have a talk with him and say that, at least for the time being, you think that you should date other people. LDRs are so straining and stressful that I would hate to think of completing my PhD while managing one (doing it now with my master''s is hard enough!). I just know I couldn''t do it. I feel like I have barely hung in this long--if I knew that I had to wait another 3 years to be with my guy like a normal relationship, I would say, "Honey, I love you, but I can''t keep doing this for that long." Which is hard, because there''s nothing exactly WRONG with your relationship...there''s just only so much a person can take. It sounds like the idea of another 3 years of LDR weighs heavily on your heart, as it would mine. I''m sorry you''re going through this. LDRs are so difficult.

 

[justjulia]

Who does all the driving/flying when you do get together? Would he commit to commuting back to your place for the weekends or every other weekend for 3 years?
Would he be crushed if you suggested dating other people for a while?

 

[laine]

I was in a very similar position. I dated H for 3 years with just 1 hour of distance, then we lived together for 2, then I went to grad school 6 hours away. H initially said he'd probably move up after a year, but then changed his mind, saying there really weren't job opportunities (he was right). After about 1.5 years of this long distance, we broke up (so over 6 years of dating). Now, there were other relationship issues, and this was in large part my fault, as I stopped making much effort, but I'm no good at distance, I need someone there. Had there been an end in sight, I might have worked at it, but I was going to be in school for 5-6 years and I questioned whether he would move if I got a job in a place with few opportunities.

You're a little less distance then I was, and for a little less time, but it comes down to the same thing, can you deal with dating someone who isn't there? I couldn't. Its ok to decide that that isn't enough for you, regardless of how good everything else is (on the other hand, its ok to decide you are ok with it and to work through it).

For me, we started to develop these seperate lives, that each other were less a part of (just because of day to day life) and the longer we were apart, the easier it was to not think about him. I tried seeing other people while still being friends with H, and it really didn't work. They were on such uneven footing, with one having the advantage of seeing me daily, it just wasn't fair. Kindest thing would have been to let him go completely (or commit completely), middle ground just drags things out.

I realize this sounds like I'm pushing you to break up, I'm not. I just want you to know that if thats what you decide, its ok. No matter what other people think of him and your relationship, only you know what you need to be happy, and you might need more than you can get from a long distance relationship.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 5/30/2008 1:19:02 PM
Author: DivaDiamond007
Okay - this is just MY opinion so please don''t flame me.

Why not explore your ''opportunities'' and date other people? You have been together for a long time but it sounds like you are at a crossroads in life. At some point you will need to decide what is the best for you. You could wait around for another 3 years but what will happen then? He may say that he needs to have $X in savings or a house before getting engaged and so on and so on. Check out the LIW forum and you will see plenty of those stories going around and I find it sad, really.

I personally would not wait around that long for a guy. If it''s truly meant to be then in a few years you may find yourselves dating again and then planning a wedding. If not, then at least you will have the experience of dating others and potentially finding The One.

It is a tough choice to make, especially when you have so much vested in the relationship already. I wish you the best of luck!

Jess

Hi Jess!

No flames

I am really not interested in dating other people, I would be perfectly content to be SINGLE. I put a lot of time and energy into my relationship, and absent the relationship, now seems like a good time to focus that energy on ME, lol.

I do, however, agree that some of these men have absurd ideas of the perfect time, conditon and financial status for marriage. I certainly don''t advocated bullying someone into marriage, and to be honest, I am still pretty dubious of marriage, but if you want to marry me today, why wait 3 years? The only problem with that logic is that I don''t want to be married today...

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 5/30/2008 1:33:49 PM
Author: gwendolyn
Hello, trillionaire. I TOTALLY feel you on being tired of an LDR. My boyfriend and I have been an international couple (him in the UK, me in the US) for much of our 3.5 years together. For the past 9 months, I have been in the UK doing grad school, so we are not in separate countries anymore, but we ARE STILL long distance! He is 200 miles away from where I go to school. And it SUCKS. It is so hard.

I would feel completely disappointed in your position, and then would probably feel guilty for feeling disappointed since he has legit reasons for staying where he is--can''t begrudge someone for bettering their career, but I wouldn''t want them to do it at the expense of our relationship! So, I would feel pretty torn, the way you sound like you are.

I think the prospect of another 3 YEARS of an LDR would be enough for me to have a talk with him and say that, at least for the time being, you think that you should date other people. LDRs are so straining and stressful that I would hate to think of completing my PhD while managing one (doing it now with my master''s is hard enough!). I just know I couldn''t do it. I feel like I have barely hung in this long--if I knew that I had to wait another 3 years to be with my guy like a normal relationship, I would say, ''Honey, I love you, but I can''t keep doing this for that long.'' Which is hard, because there''s nothing exactly WRONG with your relationship...there''s just only so much a person can take. It sounds like the idea of another 3 years of LDR weighs heavily on your heart, as it would mine. I''m sorry you''re going through this. LDRs are so difficult.

Gwendolyn,

Thank you for your reply! It''s nice to hear other stories of how people make these things work. It is very hard to do intense schooling without the local support of your SO. We must REALLY love these men...

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 5/30/2008 1:27:53 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
Hello trillionaire! It does seem to be a bit of a rough situation. My SO and I spent our first year apart in different states. But that was only 1 year, the other 9 years he has lived here. (we are both 26, turning 27) and dont plan on getting married for another possibly 3 years. He is currently searching for ''the job'' for the same reasons your SO is ''in'' his job.

As for you, I could feel your pain for being together for this long, but apart from each other. This long of a ''long distance'' relationship must put a lot of strain on the both of you. It would be very hard to do! Is there any possible way you could transfer to another college in the town your SO lives in? I understand that you are in a PhD program, but you should still be able to transfer. Maybe you do not want to transfer, and I would understand that.

Goodness. If the two of you really do love each other, but are unable to move to be near the other at the time being, I would still just wait it out until you finish school. (I spent several years waiting for SO to finish college, even though he was in town...he still didn''t have much ''us'' time available, though I did see him every day. I was patient and waited because I love him and figured he was worth the wait. He may possibly go back for his masters which again would make him very busy. But if this is what he wants to do, I have to wait.) Sometimes we have to make sacrifices to get where we want to be in life. Even if that includes a long distance relationship for another 3 years. It still stinks though.

Hi Dream!

As far as my program in school, my dept is a top 5 school in my field, with no comparable schools in his area, so transferring would seriously undermine the work I have put into this program.

My issue with 3 more years of LDR is that our time apart has largely facilitated an opportunity for us both to pursue school, work and personal lives that were both separate, and intertwined. We have had a chance to learn about ourselves both individually and as a couple, and insofar as that has been good and healthy for our relationship, it has not be problematic. At this point though, we need time to build our relationship together (locally), because the distance that once served positively, no longer serves the same function. It''s like we have peaked and we are going to be entering the decline phase of diminishing returns and positive growth. I think that doing this for 3 more years if going to hurt our relationship, not help it. I could be wrong, or I could be gone before I have a chance to find out...

 

[trillionaire]

LOL! We USED to see each other every 2 weeks, now it is more like once a month, maybe a little better during summers (2-3wks). We alternate trips, driving.

He would be unbelievably hurt and devestated if I suggested seeing other people. He is very loyal and committed and loves me very much. I am his first and only love, and he is mine. He is a bit terrified that I am going to leave him over this whole thing, so much so that he was too worried to even be excited about all of his new job opportunities. (I HAVE NOT threaten to leave him, but when we discussed him moving over the past year, I expressed how fatigued I was with LDR, thinking that we were resolving the issue, so he knows that I am waning in that respect)

Can you just put a relationship on pause?

Date: 5/30/2008 1:50:07 PM
Author: justjulia
Who does all the driving/flying when you do get together? Would he commit to commuting back to your place for the weekends or every other weekend for 3 years?
Would he be crushed if you suggested dating other people for a while?

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 5/30/2008 3:03:00 PM
Author: laine
I was in a very similar position. I dated H for 3 years with just 1 hour of distance, then we lived together for 2, then I went to grad school 6 hours away. H initially said he''d probably move up after a year, but then changed his mind, saying there really weren''t job opportunities (he was right). After about 1.5 years of this long distance, we broke up (so over 6 years of dating). Now, there were other relationship issues, and this was in large part my fault, as I stopped making much effort, but I''m no good at distance, I need someone there. Had there been an end in sight, I might have worked at it, but I was going to be in school for 5-6 years and I questioned whether he would move if I got a job in a place with few opportunities.

You''re a little less distance then I was, and for a little less time, but it comes down to the same thing, can you deal with dating someone who isn''t there? I couldn''t. Its ok to decide that that isn''t enough for you, regardless of how good everything else is (on the other hand, its ok to decide you are ok with it and to work through it).

For me, we started to develop these seperate lives, that each other were less a part of (just because of day to day life) and the longer we were apart, the easier it was to not think about him. I tried seeing other people while still being friends with H, and it really didn''t work. They were on such uneven footing, with one having the advantage of seeing me daily, it just wasn''t fair. Kindest thing would have been to let him go completely (or commit completely), middle ground just drags things out.

I realize this sounds like I''m pushing you to break up, I''m not. I just want you to know that if thats what you decide, its ok. No matter what other people think of him and your relationship, only you know what you need to be happy, and you might need more than you can get from a long distance relationship.

Laine,

Thanks for your reply! I love hearing everyone''s different perspectives and experiences. I think you really hit the nail on the head when you said "you might need more than you can get from an LDR." I know that if I reach a point where it''s easier to be single than to be in the relationship, that I will eventually choose single. It''s so draining, it really is. And we have so much fun together, I love spending time with him, but we have exhausted so many of the LDR possibilities, like web cams, online games and all host of other things to keep us feeling connected. I think as you get older, your relationship needs change and mature, and I am not sure how well they can be met by the same rubric of tackling LDR that we have been using.

And maybe I am over thinking everything and just need to take a deep breath. Or maybe I am spot on.

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

well, I was going to write a bunch of stuff about my LDR, but I just deleted it all because, well, who wants to read that?

It is a hard thing to do. It requires daily sacrifice, awareness of additional risk inherent in such a relationship, and so much more that you know already.


From what I have read you are not yet at the point where you are so tired of the relationship that the downsides of it do not make it worth it for you anymore, but rather you are afraid that it will happen.


You are both aware of the numerious RISK involved in maintaining the LDR for such additional time.

That is the question on the table at the moment. Will one of you sacrifice where you are at in you carreers at the moment in order to REDUCE the RISKS and heartache that are inherent in a LDR.

You dont want to change schools because your carreer is entertwined with your school and the effort you have put toward it already, and he because his carreer and the work he has put toward it already are entertwined with the job he has and his new promotion.

If you have not reached the point where you want to call it off NOW, then stay together, but discuss the fact that you are risking one another, and more, by doing so.

IF you reach the point that you cant handle it anymore and you must come together or call it off (IF--after all, LDRs have certain cycles in them, and it may not be as hard as you are expect) then you can come back to the table and express your new feelings. If you both still choose your carreers--then there may not be any option but one left. But dont do it until then.


Also, there is nothign wrong with telling him that you need some real committment before much longer in order for you to continue dedicating yourself to him. My wife did so for me, and I understood her position, took about a year seriously evaluating how I felt and where I stood and made my decision to propose. So if you do feel you are at the point you need something, communicate with him where you stand, and give him time to think about it, but dont deny that you need something if you do, and dont break it off because the LDR might be too hard down the road.


those are my thoughts anyway.

 

[trillionaire]

Working hard:

perfectly stated.

I hesitate to ask for more commitment because I am a bit of a marriage-phobe (for no reason, my parents are still together, happy, never separated, fantastic parents). Haven't figured out how I feel about the big M. I feel like we have spent the last 4 years perfecting the art of separate lives, and I would like to see how be balance and negotiate a shared existence for the 1st time since undergrad. I did take a financial and academic hit one summer, and moved to his area, but I have a dog now, and is apartment is not pet friendly, so that's not really an option. We both agree that the cost of living in my area is better, and that it would make more sense for him to move here and save money, but as we see, situations change.

I do, however understand and appreciate your now wife's position. SO says he is builing for our future, but our future is speculative, and I don't have a sure spot there. Now I will say that SO is very honest and genuine, loyal, loving, etc. He's not the guy that yanks your chain, he's the guy that does what he says he is going to do, so if he says he plans to marry me, he really does. And time is not an issue to him because he was never planning on going anywhere with anyone else. Maybe I am more fatigued than he is, I don't know. I really do want my relationship, I just don't want it under these conditions! lol

At anyrate, it might be good to give it some time, so that I can relax a little, since I get myself ALL worked up. Maybe in early '09 we will have better intel...

 

[justjulia]

I spent a year without seeing my bf at all, although he did propose over the phone 3 months after my move. (Long time ago, I volunteered to work overseas...) We dated all by phone (in those days, there was no email or internet). Those were some lonely days. I suspect these couple of years ahead will go by, in hindsight, fairly quickly. It may well be worth it to just chill. We were engaged by phone, without a ring. As a matter of fact, I wore a simple, inexpensive gold band for my first 16 years of marriage.

What about a long engagement? Milestones keep things happy. And why not find things to celebrate for? Why not get engaged now? That way your family and friends could celebrate and you would have that piece of mind that you two are truly committed. I know that sounds rather old fashioned, in light of all our culture appears to appreciate these days. I personally do think it makes a difference to have that committment--can't explain it, but it feels different. But, to each his or her own.

 

[trillionaire]

Julia,

A long engagement would be problematic simply because we don''t want a traditional wedding, so once we were engaged, marriage would probably follow in short order. (eloping = He and I, an officiant and some photogs on a beach) A long engagement means parents getting excited and hopeful about a wedding that we don''t want, and getting upset about that. That would really turn a joyous event (two families, and two people uniting) into a painful and protracted mess.

I think he does not think that a commitment feels different because he is very committed. Not that I am not, I am intensely loyal, but we just view things differently. I don''t want him to marry me because he feels like I will leave otherwise, I would want anyone to marry me for much better reasons. (I haven''t threatened to leave, btw)

Also, one year and three year are very different. I wouldn''t bat an eye at one year, after the many that we have been together, but 3 feels very unrealistic to me. It''s kind of like training to run the 400m, then being asked to run a marathon at the 200m mark. You just can''t get excited about that... so you run as long as you can, then you walk, and maybe you quit, or maybe you finish, but either way, it''s difficult and unglamorous, and very risky.

Date: 5/31/2008 11:54:05 AM
Author: justjulia
I spent a year without seeing my bf at all, although he did propose over the phone 3 months after my move. (Long time ago, I volunteered to work overseas...) We dated all by phone (in those days, there was no email or internet). Those were some lonely days. I suspect these couple of years ahead will go by, in hindsight, fairly quickly. It may well be worth it to just chill. We were engaged by phone, without a ring. As a matter of fact, I wore a simple, inexpensive gold band for my first 16 years of marriage.

What about a long engagement? Milestones keep things happy. And why not find things to celebrate for? Why not get engaged now? That way your family and friends could celebrate and you would have that piece of mind that you two are truly committed. I know that sounds rather old fashioned, in light of all our culture appears to appreciate these days. I personally do think it makes a difference to have that committment--can''t explain it, but it feels different. But, to each his or her own.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/31/2008 1:15:02 PM
Author: trillionaire
Also, one year and three year are very different. I wouldn''t bat an eye at one year, after the many that we have been together, but 3 feels very unrealistic to me. It''s kind of like training to run the 400m, then being asked to run a marathon at the 200m mark. You just can''t get excited about that... so you run as long as you can, then you walk, and maybe you quit, or maybe you finish, but either way, it''s difficult and unglamorous, and very risky.

I hear you. I think it might be a good idea to talk to him about your disappointment about your situations--that you understand why he is staying, and don''t blame him, and recognize your situation and your reluctance to leave too--just so that it doesn''t start to creep in and affect your relationship in other ways. I don''t know if that''s a possibility, but I sometimes internalize worries about stuff like that, and what happens is I end up getting kind of snippy for no (apparent) reason--but once I think it through, I''ll realize the source is some sort of tension about the LDR and not whatever it was I got testy about.

I''m sorry you''re going through this.

 

[trillionaire]

Gwen,

Haha, so true. I have learned over time that if I am upset about something, we might as well talk about it, because I tend to act it out otherwise, which is oh so unpleasant for both parties involved! It''s not that it''s intentional, I just get so passionate and wrapped up in emotion that it affects my ability to respond normally. It is really helpful for me to have other people to bounce my thoughts off of.

Date: 5/31/2008 1:24:19 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 5/31/2008 1:15:02 PM
Author: trillionaire
Also, one year and three year are very different. I wouldn''t bat an eye at one year, after the many that we have been together, but 3 feels very unrealistic to me. It''s kind of like training to run the 400m, then being asked to run a marathon at the 200m mark. You just can''t get excited about that... so you run as long as you can, then you walk, and maybe you quit, or maybe you finish, but either way, it''s difficult and unglamorous, and very risky.

I hear you. I think it might be a good idea to talk to him about your disappointment about your situations--that you understand why he is staying, and don''t blame him, and recognize your situation and your reluctance to leave too--just so that it doesn''t start to creep in and affect your relationship in other ways. I don''t know if that''s a possibility, but I sometimes internalize worries about stuff like that, and what happens is I end up getting kind of snippy for no (apparent) reason--but once I think it through, I''ll realize the source is some sort of tension about the LDR and not whatever it was I got testy about.

I''m sorry you''re going through this.

 

[trillionaire]

I want to thank everyone for all of their very helpful advice. The more I think about it, the less interested I am in waiting... but not in the way that I thought... I suddenly began to think that getting married sooner than later might not be a bad idea, and we can work the rest out later. Is that insane?

I''ve never been interested in getting married, so this thought process is catching me a little off-guard. Too crazy or what?

 

[beebrisk]

Some relationships are just not worth losing....no matter what!

If you feel that way and you two are committed and have an understanding that one day you will be married, you can make this 3 year stretch work for you. I don''t mean to imply that it will be easy but without a doubt, it *is* do-able.

Take it from me, my (now) FI and I have been living 400 miles apart for---13 years. Honest!

Good Luck to you....

 

[AmberGretchen]

OK, so I''m just going to throw this out there, because its what struck me reading a lot of your posts.

You keep saying you''re just not big on marriage, and aren''t sure you want to be married, and so forth. This sticks out at me because I used to feel the same way - I never wanted the traditional married with kids thing, was never even big on the idea of a permanent relationship with an SO - I''ve always been super career-driven and ambitious, and very independent, and it just never seemed necessary to me. When I did think about it, I figured maybe I would get married sometime in my thirties or forties, if ever.

Then I started dating my now husband. I''ll spare you the sappy details, but suffice it to say that he made me want to get married, and now, going on two years later, I still think it was the best decision I ever made. I suddenly "got" that this person wasn''t just to fit some mold, but was truly a partner and a friend and so much more.

Anyway, I guess all I''m trying to say is that if you feel so strongly against marriage (or at least consistently against it, based on your posts), maybe that''s a message you should listen to.

 

[trillionaire]

Bee:

Ack, I don't know what I am thinking, but thanks for the encouragement! I am trying to figure my position, since I have a tendency to blurt things before I have them somewhat resolve in my head, and I feel that this is a pretty big issue for blurting. I have never thought that a long distance marriage made a lot of sense, but I am not really traditional in any other respect... not religious, don't want a traditional wedding, don't really want kids (MAYBE adoption), not a marriage enthusiast... so, maybe we can freestyle a little. I don't know that I have a problem with the idea of the LDR marriage, b/c as least we are both 100% committed, and it is clear what we are fighting for... Though, of course, this is not preferable.


Amber:

Thanks for your thoughts! I am not really and have never been an marriage enthusiast, this is true, but my SO and I started dating when I was 20, and I never thought I would marry until I was 27 or older. I also never thought I would be dating someone for half of a decade or more! Our relationship has been very content and stable, and if it were local, I don't think I would be thinking that much of marriage, but when I think about losing all that we have, and after briefly flirting with tossing in the towel, suddenly marriage seemed like a real and exciting option. That is pretty big for me. No, HUGE! I have had many dreams about marriage where I wake up hyperventilating! lol. He really does plan for us to have a future together, and if I had ever acted interested in marriage, we might even be engaged now (or married!), it's hard to say.

Just today, we were talking about our alma mater (where we met), and the new building that they are constructing. He asked me if we could have our names engraved in the building together as donors, and after I silenced the dissenting voices in my head, I said sure. He was VERY excited. He has no doubts about us, I was always the drag-@$$.... Maybe I am just coming around... ?

 

[GemView]

I''ve been involved in a long distance relationship and an eight-year relationship (not the same one). It takes the patience of a saint to wait it out, but if there is complete trust it can be accomplished. If, however, there is a lessening degree of communication as more time passes it can magnify what otherwise would not be issues (e.g. "Is he worth the wait?", "Has she found someone else?", "Is he carrying on with that ''friend''?") If those questions aren''t an issue, it can be done. But whatever the case may be, allow it to evolve into whatever it is supposed to be. In my three-year long distance relationship, absence didn''t make my heart grow fonder but rather distance made my doubts grow stronger (he was in the army and when I stopped getting regular letters I feared he had taken up other "pursuits). The good news is that you are still young enough to wait, but whether you want to wait is a question only you can decide. Without an end date in sight -- or one that seems so far off -- it can be heartbreaking. The best you can do, if you aren''t ready to make any difficult decisions, is to take it one day at a time. Keep talking about what your common dreams/goals are in the meantime. On the other hand, if you find yourself increasingly eying other guys (or he other gals), take that as a sign that perhaps it is best to move on. Just make certain that whomever you have your eye on -- if that should happen -- is worth losing what you''ve already got. As for the companionship aspect, this isn''t what you want to hear but it''s the best substitute: Keep busy. And keep calling your girlfriends and making new ones. Time will fly when you''re too busy -- or having too much fun -- to mope.

I wish you all the best!

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 6/4/2008 11:29:10 PM
Author: GemView
I''ve been involved in a long distance relationship and an eight-year relationship (not the same one). It takes the patience of a saint to wait it out, but if there is complete trust it can be accomplished. If, however, there is a lessening degree of communication as more time passes it can magnify what otherwise would not be issues (e.g. ''Is he worth the wait?'', ''Has she found someone else?'', ''Is he carrying on with that ''friend''?'') If those questions aren''t an issue, it can be done. But whatever the case may be, allow it to evolve into whatever it is supposed to be. In my three-year long distance relationship, absence didn''t make my heart grow fonder but rather distance made my doubts grow stronger (he was in the army and when I stopped getting regular letters I feared he had taken up other ''pursuits). The good news is that you are still young enough to wait, but whether you want to wait is a question only you can decide. Without an end date in sight -- or one that seems so far off -- it can be heartbreaking. The best you can do, if you aren''t ready to make any difficult decisions, is to take it one day at a time. Keep talking about what your common dreams/goals are in the meantime. On the other hand, if you find yourself increasingly eying other guys (or he other gals), take that as a sign that perhaps it is best to move on. Just make certain that whomever you have your eye on -- if that should happen -- is worth losing what you''ve already got. As for the companionship aspect, this isn''t what you want to hear but it''s the best substitute: Keep busy. And keep calling your girlfriends and making new ones. Time will fly when you''re too busy -- or having too much fun -- to mope.

I wish you all the best!

Thanks for your advice! I haven''t even noticed other guys for years! LOL. I am just so tired, and a bit heartbroken over the sudden prospect of 3 yrs when we had discussed 6 months. I am trying to find the magical solution... haven''t come up with it, but still fighting! I wish I could silence the voices in my head, but once they start going..... *i-yi-yi!*

 

[GemView]

Date: 6/5/2008 1:44:25 AM
Author: trillionaire

Thanks for your advice! I haven't even noticed other guys for years! LOL. I am just so tired, and a bit heartbroken over the sudden prospect of 3 yrs when we had discussed 6 months. I am trying to find the magical solution... haven't come up with it, but still fighting! I wish I could silence the voices in my head, but once they start going..... *i-yi-yi!*

Eventually the shock of holding out for another three year wait will wear off. If I recall your first post correctly, you have a Ph.D to concentrate on so that should keep you VERY busy (a distraction is always good). It sounds so cliché but it is so true: Just keep taking it one day at a time. Some days it will get to you worse than other days. Just allow yourself to go through the ups and downs, and eventually you will come out the other side. The older you get, the faster time seems to whip by, also, so you have that odd phenomena to your benefit too. Another thing that might help is to consider this situation akin to the glass half empty or glass half full scenario. You can say that each day you feel more time has come between you and your BF, or you can say that with each passing day you are one day closer to being reunited.

I do think that if you are going to be exclusive, there should be some talk of marriage, however. My ex army BF asked me to wait for him upon returning from his leave one summer, but we hadn't talked about getting married when we made that decision. That's one reason I began to doubt his loyalty when the letters stopped coming (maybe 1 letter in six months vs. 2 every week prior to that for over two years). I had well meaning friends -- guy friends -- who said that the pressure in the armed forces is to go out and be a guy's guy (drink and get laid). I didn't think my BF was that type, but when you are so far apart and don't remain in stable communication some weird ideas can get stuck in your head (or at least mine, LOL). About two years ago -- after I became engaged to the guy I had been with six years at that point (and now -- my ex BF, who started out as a friend in high school, found me on reunion.com. He's living in another part of the state and also had a long-term relationship of about 5 years at that point (and still counting). Initially, we talked a bit about the past at which point he said he had, in fact, been loyal all those years ago (over 12 years ago now). However, I broke off that relationship, in part, because I didn't want to be an army wife. When we caught back up, I learned he had been honorably discharged after we broke up due to an injury that prevented him from making a career in the armed services. All of which I share to illustrate that sometimes what you think will happen in the future is the last thing that actually does happen.

Similarly, what your BF has going now with the job situation could change, especially in this economy. If those opportunities don't turn out to be as rosy as they at first seemed, perhaps the important thing for him to do is to have faith that he can make a go of things closer to where you are (hence, reuniting sooner). You just never know how things may change in the next few years!

As for my former LDR, my ex and I are friends now -- again from a long distance -- but the funny part is that both of us are essentially the same people so it didn't feel like getting to know each other all over again. Similarly, my mom remains in touch with her best friend from high school and former matron of honor -- someone she's known for nearly 50 years now -- and she says the same thing: For all the time that may go by before they get together, it feels as if they pick up right where they left off. That's how it is with certain relationships, and it looks like you have that element going for you too.

Hang in there!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Marriage is full of compromises, and each of you will have opportunities to make sacrifices for the benefit of the other over the years if you wish to stay together. I think our society has become so individually focused that it is hard for two people to actually be willing to give something up for the other. However, in both your cases, you have good reason to keep doing what you are doing. Obviously, he needs a job. I wouldn''t really like for my husband or fiance to just quit his job with no prospect for another. Good jobs are hard to find. If your field would likely require you to move once you finish your program, then I think it makes little sense for him to move there because he''d have to start over looking for another job in three years. So that''s really not fair to him, either. You apparently chose to move there for the PhD program fully knowing how long it takes, so I think you should be willing to just wait out the time if your BF is staying loyal to you. And you guys probably need to aim for seeing each other every other weekend since it is only 4 hours away.

One more thought as a mother. You mentioned the feelings of your parents and a wedding. I would urge to to consider including at least your parents in an elopement. Someday you may have the chance to love and raise a child, and then you will understand why this would be important to them to be there. The wedding is yours, of course, but I think it is important to consider the feelings of others who have loved you.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 6/6/2008 10:17:50 AM
Author: diamondseeker2006
Marriage is full of compromises, and each of you will have opportunities to make sacrifices for the benefit of the other over the years if you wish to stay together. I think our society has become so individually focused that it is hard for two people to actually be willing to give something up for the other. However, in both your cases, you have good reason to keep doing what you are doing. Obviously, he needs a job. I wouldn''t really like for my husband or fiance to just quit his job with no prospect for another. Good jobs are hard to find. If your field would likely require you to move once you finish your program, then I think it makes little sense for him to move there because he''d have to start over looking for another job in three years. So that''s really not fair to him, either. You apparently chose to move there for the PhD program fully knowing how long it takes, so I think you should be willing to just wait out the time if your BF is staying loyal to you. And you guys probably need to aim for seeing each other every other weekend since it is only 4 hours away.


One more thought as a mother. You mentioned the feelings of your parents and a wedding. I would urge to to consider including at least your parents in an elopement. Someday you may have the chance to love and raise a child, and then you will understand why this would be important to them to be there. The wedding is yours, of course, but I think it is important to consider the feelings of others who have loved you.

As a parent, how would you feel about a big to-do afterwards? I really love the idea of an intimate 2-person wedding, and would have a videographer to document it all. I have been trying to mentally prepare my parents for some time now, for the fact that I don''t want a wedding or kids. I love my parents, my family, and I don''t mean to disappoint them, but I feel like you should be able to have the type of wedding that you want. I parents got married the way that they wanted to, and I feel like I should be entitled to the same decision. Three years from now, we would have been dating for so long (8 yrs), and our marriage would be such a foregone conclusion, that a lot of fanfare just seems superfluous. And having people watch such an intimate moment just sounds so uncomfortable. The idea of being the center of attention sounds dreadful to me, even if it is my family.

After we were married, I''d be fine with a celebratory event, esp. because I would love to get our families together again, though I would be okay with a simple 2 family vacation as well. Who knows, I have a lot of time to think about it. However, I can''t help but think of all the money my parents would save, sans wedding!

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 6/5/2008 9:04:59 PM
Author: GemView

Date: 6/5/2008 1:44:25 AM

Author: trillionaire


Thanks for your advice! I haven''t even noticed other guys for years! LOL. I am just so tired, and a bit heartbroken over the sudden prospect of 3 yrs when we had discussed 6 months. I am trying to find the magical solution... haven''t come up with it, but still fighting! I wish I could silence the voices in my head, but once they start going..... *i-yi-yi!*

Eventually the shock of holding out for another three year wait will wear off. If I recall your first post correctly, you have a Ph.D to concentrate on so that should keep you VERY busy (a distraction is always good). It sounds so cliché but it is so true: Just keep taking it one day at a time. Some days it will get to you worse than other days. Just allow yourself to go through the ups and downs, and eventually you will come out the other side. The older you get, the faster time seems to whip by, also, so you have that odd phenomena to your benefit too. Another thing that might help is to consider this situation akin to the glass half empty or glass half full scenario. You can say that each day you feel more time has come between you and your BF, or you can say that with each passing day you are one day closer to being reunited.


I do think that if you are going to be exclusive, there should be some talk of marriage, however. My ex army BF asked me to wait for him upon returning from his leave one summer, but we hadn''t talked about getting married when we made that decision. That''s one reason I began to doubt his loyalty when the letters stopped coming (maybe 1 letter in six months vs. 2 every week prior to that for over two years). I had well meaning friends -- guy friends -- who said that the pressure in the armed forces is to go out and be a guy''s guy (drink and get laid). I didn''t think my BF was that type, but when you are so far apart and don''t remain in stable communication some weird ideas can get stuck in your head (or at least mine, LOL). About two years ago -- after I became engaged to the guy I had been with six years at that point (and now -- my ex BF, who started out as a friend in high school, found me on reunion.com. He''s living in another part of the state and also had a long-term relationship of about 5 years at that point (and still counting). Initially, we talked a bit about the past at which point he said he had, in fact, been loyal all those years ago (over 12 years ago now). However, I broke off that relationship, in part, because I didn''t want to be an army wife. When we caught back up, I learned he had been honorably discharged after we broke up due to an injury that prevented him from making a career in the armed services. All of which I share to illustrate that sometimes what you think will happen in the future is the last thing that actually does happen.


Similarly, what your BF has going now with the job situation could change, especially in this economy. If those opportunities don''t turn out to be as rosy as they at first seemed, perhaps the important thing for him to do is to have faith that he can make a go of things closer to where you are (hence, reuniting sooner). You just never know how things may change in the next few years!


As for my former LDR, my ex and I are friends now -- again from a long distance -- but the funny part is that both of us are essentially the same people so it didn''t feel like getting to know each other all over again. Similarly, my mom remains in touch with her best friend from high school and former matron of honor -- someone she''s known for nearly 50 years now -- and she says the same thing: For all the time that may go by before they get together, it feels as if they pick up right where they left off. That''s how it is with certain relationships, and it looks like you have that element going for you too.


Hang in there!

Hi Gem!

No, we certainly do not have a problem with closeness or picking up where we left off. I think the busyness is precisely what concerns me about 3 more years, because he currently works 50/hr weeks before OT and weekends (which will increase with more responsibility), and I will be bombarded with my school work as well. I am a bit nervous that that is going to be too much strain, esp because we already have somewhat opposing schedules. There are a LOT of job opportunities in his field where I live, so it might not be so much of a sacrifice to move, but the cost of living is lower here, so the salaries are too. We initially discussed him moving because he wanted to leave his job anyway, so he was going to come here while I finished school. I could certainly use the support.

As far as marriage, I think he is just really waiting for me to indicate my willingness. He has always planned to marry me (he unequivocally told me that if that wasn''t my plan for our relationship, then we needed to have a serious discussion), and I have been the one that is uncertain about marriage. I''m sure we will talk about marriage ad nauseum over the coming months, because if we are forging ahead, we are going to need a action plan and timeline!

 

[Bev]

Trillionaire - How I feel for you, gf! I know exactly how LDR is like. Dh and I have been together almost 10 years, and if feels like we have been doing LDR on an off for the whole time! We were separated in college, he graduated and was commissioned into the Army, we got married...and were STILL doing LDR even after that. He was also deployed for a year. It was and has been crazy.

I guess in the end, it is really up to what you want and what you can handle. I think it is great that he has a "bigger picture" in mind, but the reality is that it is extremely difficult without your companion physically with you, especially when you''re in the middle of a rigorous phd program. This is the time where you need to re-evaluate your relationship and determine whether or not the two of you are on the same page, and whether or not two of you are heading in the same direction. If you don''t think LDR is an option at this point and he does...well then I guess there are some decisions that will need to be made.

The only reason Dh and I made it through is that we both saw eye to eye when it came to our future. We knew that eventually we would end up in the same place, under the same roof. It took a while but we were willing to sacrifice until we got there. There is no right or wrong answer. It is just a matter of preference. I hope you work things out...whatever your decision may be. Good luck and keep us posted!