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Help! Two MOHs or None?

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LauraLoo

LauraLoo

Rough_Rock
Joined
Aug 2, 2006
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78
Happy almost Friday everyone! I was hoping I could get some feedback on this issue. I have been engaged for 5 months and I always thought a very exciting part of this time would be asking the bridal party. Well I have been putting it off as long as I possibly can. We originally planned on getting married next August but we have since moved it up to June, only 11 months away! I need to get moving on this! I know who I want to ask to be my BMs....3 girlfriends, my brothers new wife and my boyfriends sister. I don''t know what to do about picking a MOH.
2 of my girlfriends are my closest friends (they are NOT friends with eachother by any means). I know they would each be hurt if I asked the other. I thought of asking my new SIL, as much as I love her, I would only be asking because she is now my family and so that I wouldn''t have to choose between my friends. I don''t know how I feel about having 2 MOHs but I am scared of feeling, I guess like I am ''missing out'' by not having one. Missing out on what... I don''t know. Does anyone have any similar expiriences to share? What did you or are you doing?
 
I was the MOH in a good friends'' wedding whose sister was the MOH too; it wasn''t a big deal at all that there were two of us and there was no jealousy between us. I had no bridal party and certainly didn''t feel that anything was missing during planning and/or on the day of my wedding. If your two closest friends don''t get along having them as an MOH team doesn''t seem like a very good solution. If I were in your shoes I''d ask my future SIL.
 
I agree, go with you fsil. It''s good politics both with your friends and with your future inlaws.

Besides, while I''m not a bridal party expert or anything, but I''d think that if you had only three bm''s and two of those were MOH''s then the third would feel a bit like a second class citizen.
 
Girls, thanks for responding. Just to clarify...(not sure that it makes any difference, but...) If I were to pick a SIL as my MOH, it would be by current SIL (my brothers wife) not my boyfriends sister. I do want to include my boyfriends sister in the wedding, but we are not very close.
Also, there will be a total of 5 bridesmaids.
 
Is it possible on if married and the other isn''t? I ask because a friend of mine had a Maid of Honor and a Matron of Honor in her wedding.

Just a thought!
 
Aagh! I am in this dilemma myself and WISH I had a future SIL to count on!

I am only planning on having 3 or 4 girls, but as it is a destination wedding, I may not be able to have them all...

I was a Maid of of Honor in my friend''s wedding last year, she also had a Matron of Honor who took over EVERYTHING, so I pretty much did what I could, and really just felt like a bridesmaid. As soon as my friend heard we had even picked out a ring, mind you, this was before I had even been proposed to, she just ASSUMED she would be my Matron of Honor. I am uncertain as to why she has done this as we have not even discussed it, and I still haven''t figured out a way to tell her that my closest friend will be my Maid of Honor. I was truly going to ask her to be a bridesmaid, not a MOH, but at this point I look at it as splitting hairs and why cause the drama of not letting her be a MOH, I guess. It bugs me, but in the big scheme of things, how much will it really matter? (That''s what I keep trying to tell myself, anyways!)

I think you should go with your brother''s wife, bonding your family ties with her and your brother that much more and hopefully eliminating the drama and/or confusion with your two friends.

Let us know how it works out and just remember that it is YOUR day! Enjoy it!
 
To add another perspective...I was a BM at my sister''s wedding...I thought I was the MOH until her BFF from college said something to me the day of the wedding about how "as the MOH I should do this and that for your sister..." and I was totally appalled - mainly at my sister (we are only two kids in our family so it''s not like there was a big selection) - for telling her friend she was the MOH and not her own sister. I never said anything because what''s the point but I bring it up because it can hurt feelings. I dont think you really need a MOH at all, to be honest. If you had a sister I''d say make her the MOH but since it seems you dont, just leave it and let them all be on the same level....I think that way nobody gets hurt. You;re not "missing" anything by not labeling one of them different.
 
Date: 8/2/2007 12:22:39 PM
Author: surfgirl
To add another perspective...I was a BM at my sister''s wedding...I thought I was the MOH until her BFF from college said something to me the day of the wedding about how ''as the MOH I should do this and that for your sister...'' and I was totally appalled - mainly at my sister (we are only two kids in our family so it''s not like there was a big selection) - for telling her friend she was the MOH and not her own sister. I never said anything because what''s the point but I bring it up because it can hurt feelings. I dont think you really need a MOH at all, to be honest. If you had a sister I''d say make her the MOH but since it seems you dont, just leave it and let them all be on the same level....I think that way nobody gets hurt. You;re not ''missing'' anything by not labeling one of them different.
Click to expand...
I''m not sure I understand. You just assumed you were the maid of honour?

I know they can be an in-law or sibling, but isn''t it common for the best man and maid of honour to be a best friend?

Sorry, original poster. I had to ask. Excuse the threadjack.

Z.
 
I understand what you mean! But my situation is a bit better in that my close friends are very unfamiliar with wedding traditions so I don''t think that they REALLY understand a difference between MOH and BM (although in my head everyone in the bridal party is just as important, it''s really just titles). Also that I have two older sisters, and the three of us decided a long time ago that we would rotate. So Sister 1 would be MOH for Sister 3, Sister 2 MOH for Sister 1 and Sister 3 MOH for Sister 2. That has worked out quite nicely.

But in terms of not knowing which one to pick, maybe you can just have two. There are no rules to say you only need one. But if you feel like you want one, then just choose your SIL and ask your two close friends to participate in another way. Like doing two readings, or if one plays an instrument maybe they can play a piece at your wedding.

I was asked to participate in a friends wedding even though I wasn''t even a BM. Its a really sweet way to include pepole if they don''t get the "titles" that you wish you give them.
 
I''m going to have to disagree with the advice to ask your SIL to be your MOH just because you can''t choose between your two good friends. Here''s why: being the MOH is a huge responsibility, much more than being a bridesmaid. I''ve been in both positions, and trust me, it''s different being an MOH. Your MOH is going to have to help organize the bridal party, you''re going to expect her to be there for you for a lot of little crises that come up over the next 11 months, and you WANT your MOH to be someone who is close enough to you that she will WANT to be there for you and share in all of these things with you.

I think the difference between choosing a good friend and choosing your SIL is that your good friend will love being your MOH and she''ll want to be a part of everything, and you SIL may come to resent you for expecting her to be so involved in things that she might not want to be involved in.

I do sympathize with your situation, as I myself have two close friends, I guess if we were younger I''d say "best friends". I also have one sister who will definitely be my MOH, but if I didn''t have a sister I''d choose my oldest friend to be my MOH and I''d explain to my other good friend that even though I consider her to be one of my two closest friends, I chose my older friend because we''ve known each other longer.

This is your wedding, and you should choose who you feel most comfortable with. If these two women are truly good friends, they will respect your choice and they''ll celebrate with you regardless of their "title" in the bridal party.

Good luck!
 
zdrastvootya ---
most of the weddings i have attended, if the bride has a sister she is usually the maid of honor.
i think of it as being expected. (but not a hard, fast rule)
when someone choses a friend over their own sister i usually feel like that means the sisters are not very close. i know this isn''t always the case, but just the perception i get.
 
I say just have two. There''s nothing weird about that.

I''m having both my sister and my best friend as MOH. My sis is 19 and it would be hard for her to do everything herself. And I couldn''t imagine not having my best friend as MOH. So they both are. I''ll have either 4 or 5 girls in the bridal party. I''m putting that decision off until later.
 
I was recently in a wedding where there were just bridesmaids, no MOH, because the bride didn't want to choose one person amonsgt all of her close friends. It worked pretty well in my opinion.

To get around the "who stands closest to the bride during the ceremony" question, she just had us light up in height order, so the shortest girl was closest to the bride purely by accident of nature. She did ask two of the women she was closest to give the speeches- one at the rehearsal dinner and one at the actual wedding reception. So, that would be a way for you to honor your two friends specially without having them be co-MOHs (and without them having to work together on anything).

There's no reason really why you HAVE to designate someone as a MOH (where did this idea come from anyway??). As long as one or two of the bridesmaids are the organizing type and will take the reigns in shower planning and whatnot, there's no need to have a heirarchy within your bridal party. So I say don't stress yourself out about this and don't have an MOH at all. Just have five equal bridesmaids (but give your two friends the two speech jobs).

Good luck with it!
 
I am not getting married for quite some time, but as I always thought it is your wedding you can do whatever you want. I am having possibly 7 BM and 3 MOH's I have two sisters and a best friend of like 12 years which I was the MOH in her wedding. So I said I will have 3 and no one really cares or thinks I am crazy. But having none is just fine as well. I say do what feels best.
 
Thanks for all of the responses. I am pretty sure I have decided that no MOH would be best. My boyfriend seems to think that problems could arise as far as things not getting done (he is not exactly sure what things though...) without having a ''leader''. I am sure everything will be fine though.
Its funny, some say its a huge responsibility and some say its just a title. In my case, I think its just a title. I will not be placing huge responsibilities on my bridesmaids. Pretty much just my shower and bach party, which is a given and then prob some little things like tying bows and crap like that - that any girlfriend would help with. What I am going to do though, is kinda unofficially designate 2 team captains to keep the other girls in line and keep things organized. They will be one of my girlfriends and my brothers wife. They have it together the most of all the girls. While my other girlfriend is one of my closest friends and I love her to death, she is not completely responsible, organized or reliable, which is what was making the whole MOH decision very tough in the first place.

Thanks everyone!
 
I was a co-MOH in my best friend''s wedding last year. I shared the duties with her future SIL, but we also were friends.

It was no biggie. The FSIL is a stay at home mom, so she did more of the logistical things and was the RSVP for the shower, but I did all that I could outside of work. It worked out really well actually, because as the MOH, you feel more responsibility to get things done and it was good to have 2 of us that felt that way instead of one person feeling like they have to do it all. Oh, and the groom did not have two best men, but I was ok with that, because my "partner" for the wedding was my fi!

When you say your two friends are not friends, do you mean that they do not get along, or that they do not know each other? I think as long as there is no bad blood between them, they will probably become fairly close through out the process. And what''s bad about that?!
 
LL,

It sounds like you''ve worked out a good solution for you. Your definition of MOH was an important factor in deciding what to do. If your expecation is that you have someone who holds your hand through the entire planning process then your best bet would be to chose an MOH who is responsible and likes to plan events; if you want all of your girls to plan a shower and bachelorette party together and help with some small tasks then having an MOH would simply be delegating a title. Glad you came to a decision that works best for you.
 
I feel much better already about having this decided. Now I just have to come up with some foo foo ways to do the asking.....and hope that everything goes as smoothly as possible. My 2 girlfriends that I was deciding between do not get a long.....Heres a little breakdown to give you an idea.... I will have my now SIL and my fusture SIL, they are very easy going and easy to get along with. Now my 3 girlfriends....lets call them A B & C.
A & B know eachother, were never really friends and do not get along at all. A & C used to be very good friends, but had a stupid falling out and are not friends now.
Yup, should be nice and awkward!!
 
Date: 8/3/2007 1:12:17 AM
Author: MMM
zdrastvootya ---
most of the weddings i have attended, if the bride has a sister she is usually the maid of honor.
i think of it as being expected. (but not a hard, fast rule)
when someone choses a friend over their own sister i usually feel like that means the sisters are not very close. i know this isn''t always the case, but just the perception i get.
Click to expand...
Ah, the things I don''t know! (being a guy) Thanks for clarifying.

But the best man is usually a close friend, right?

Z.
 
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