Help with Dealing with Grief & Life after Loss.

[Cosmetologist]

Unsure whether to post this or not but here goes the last few months have been pretty hard, we moved back from a Beautiful Life on the Cornish Coast to the City to care for my Mother-In-Law whom had Terminal Cancer we moved in with her last year she sadly passed in June I was her primary carer & spent every hour of the day by her side, Betty Picture Above my (MiL) was one of the most Beautiful, Caring and Warm people you could meet she was like my 2nd Mother I knew her for 10 glorious years she was so kind to me
but in addition to losing her, My Sister-in-law Gail Betty's Daughter passed 18 days before Betty from a cardiac arrest she died a week later after her arrest, she was in a coma and they withdrew life support.

Sadly my Sister In Law suffered with Addiction all her life she was on bad terms with everyone in the family we all tried to help her numerous times but she always chose the Alcohol & Drugs the last time we saw her alive Betty included she was Drunk and had Wet herself this was an arranged visit to see her dying Mother yet she still turned up Drunk, She hated mine & My Husbands Guts whom she called the Blue Eyed Boy we believe she was feeling guilt for not caring or visting her mom when she needed her most and thought we only cared to make her look bad we tried to facilitate contact between her and my Mother-In-Law so many times but she'd let us down so much and cancel to the point where Betty my Mother-In-Law decided to let it be & no longer engage with her, Gail (The daughter) lived less than 2 miles away from her whereas we were based over 4 hours away till we moved up even when we lived away we still saw her every week.

I feel like we barely had time to Grieve for Gail my Husbands Sister then his Mother was took, he feels guilty that he isn't as sad at the loss of his sister.

We are both struggling in what to do next the Funeral was held on the 11th July it was a Beautiful Service thankfully she had everything all Pre-Arranged Funeral etc so that took alot of pressure off carrying out her exact wishes we are also dealing with her Estate which is very simple thanks to her exhaustive planning beforehand but more emotionally we are really struggling to find life without her she was the Centre of our World for so long obviously now she's gone we feel lost what can I do to try an ease my Husbands pain?

I'm trying to remind him that we are moving back to the Coast by the end of the Year latest and we will start a new chapter of our life together whilst remembering the Wonderful Mother we lost & celebrating the memories we have of her, I am trying to say don't feel bad for not being devestated over the loss of your Sister you can't deny the way you feel.

Sorry if this is abit heavy for here but sometimes it's eaiser to open up to no offence strangers than friends or family.

 

[marymm]

I am so sorry for your and your DH's losses.

It sounds like your MIL was an amazing person. Though I believe you were both fortunate to be able to live with her during her last year, spending that kind of caregiving time and, like you say, having her be the center of your lives, also serves to underscore her absence now that she has passed.

The fact that your DH's sister died a few weeks prior to your MIL, and that your SIL was an lifelong addict with all the mess and hardship that brings, is hard on you both. You're right, you didn't even have time to process the SIL's death before you were hit with your MIL's death. That the grief you each feel for the SIL is different from the grief you each feel for the MIL is just what it is, a reflection of the different relationships you had with the SIL and the MIL.

And much of the grief for your SIL's death may well be put on the missed/lost opportunities, for her to get and stay clean, for the family ties with her to be strong and close and happy ... none of that can happen now ... and what you both may be grieving is a person you loved because she was family but also a person you wished a different better life and different better relationship ... that will take a long time to become less painful.

The grief of your MIL is overwhelming because you both loved her so and she was a good person; you shared your lives and you spent months and hours caregiving and she was your focus. You both sacrificed a lot to be there for her, and that should be something you can hold close to yourselves, that you were there, happily and willingly, and she was with people who loved her and cherished her until the very end.

The experience of grief varies from person to person, for person to person, and is often uneven and unpredictable ... let yourselves grieve in the way that feels natural and allows you to breathe ... grief takes its own course, and I am glad you have plans to move back to the coast. That should help.

Meanwhile, you both will be sad and lost and missing what was ... to the extent you can build in daily walks together hopefully around nature, and hold hands and be there for each other, and eat regular meals, and watch favorite shows and sports, and also give you each a little alone time to mourn and cry or not-mourn and not-cry ... please take care.

 

[seaurchin]

So sorry for your losses.

As far as how to feel better, I don't know if I have any ideas that you haven't already thought of but here are a couple of ways that help me when needed:

First, I like to write stories and though it's not directly translated, my feelings come out transformed on the page, if that makes sense. Then I feel better and also have a little something positive for it all, at least. I'd imagine painting or playing around with an instrument are the same (re "the blues" for ex.)

Another thing I do when I'm in the depths is clean. Small tasks take my mind off the deeper stuff. And then a fresh, deep cleaned place makes me feel like it's ready for new beginnings or something.

So now that I'm thinking about it, something to "lose myself in" that comes with a positive outcome, however small, helps a lot for me, though of course it's just some relief.

If it needs to be said, I would resist the urge to drink etc. to alleviate grief or other bad feelings. Been there, done that, oops.

Re the SIL, it's a shame when a family member leaves you no choice but to distance yourself or allow them to tear up your life along with their own. Imo it doesn't help that we're inundated with the myth of the family being something straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting when family members imo are likely to bring as much bad as good. At least she's in peace now and that chapter is closed.

Best wishes. Hope to see pics of your new life by the coast soon.

 

[diamondringlover]

I am sorry for your losses

 

[dk168]

Blood may be thicker than water, however, that has nothing to do with how one should feel about another person.

I don't choose my family. I choose whom I like and dislike.

Just because someone is family does not mean I have to like that person.

On top of that, everyone grieves differently. Not everyone wear his/her heart on his/her sleeve.

The world does not stop spinning just because someone has died, life goes on for the living, etc. etc...

So grieve in you and your OH's terms and take your time. Most importantly, cherish the time you still have with each other.

<<<hugs>>>

DK

 

[kenny]

How I grieve:

Go easy on myself
Take it one day at a time
Try to keep in mind that I will feel better in time
Let my feelings and emotions flow freely and be whatever they are without judgement

IMO the worst thing to do is worry you're not grieving "correctly".

 

[Karl_K]

How I grieve:

Go easy on myself
Take it one day at a time
Try to keep in mind that I will feel better in time
Let my feelings and emotions flow freely and be whatever they are without judgement

IMO the worst thing to do is worry you're not grieving "correctly".

This is perfect advise.

 

[Ibrakeforpossums]

God help you. Take comfort that you cared for people who were important to you, Sometimes that's all we can manage. The outcome is not up to us.

 

[HollyJane]

Grief doesn't really get better or go away. What can happen is finding joy in life and building a life without the person you've lost.

Thoughts and feelings come up, sometimes seemingly out of nowhere. Hope is harder on some days than others. Pain can feel almost unbearable. It will ease up. Ride it out. Don't try to control grief or make it go away. It has to be experienced and be a part of you you can live with, because it will never go away.

 

[icy_jade]

This is from Reddit years ago in response to someone who asked about dealing with grief. I do not know who wrote it but it beautifully describes the process and I hope it helps as you deal with the waves:

 

[missy]

I am so sorry for your losses.

This quote has stayed with me through challenging times.
"Grief is the price we pay for great love".

And while there is no cure for grief the only way to manage grief is to grieve.
The pain will always be there but it will lessen with time and in time you will be able to remember your loved ones with more happiness than sadness.

Sending you gentle hugs.

 

[VRBeauty]

It sounds like husband is dealing with two different emotions: grief, and guilt. Of course grief is often intertwined with grief, but in your SIL’s case it’s possible that the guilt might be a larger component of your husband’s feelings than the grief. Even overwhelming grief will ebb over time. Guilt might not - and it could even fester and grow over time if it’s not dealt with.

A few options come to mind for dealing with the guilt component:

Writing - either in the form of a journaling, or writing “letters” to the sister-in-law, as a way of working through feelings.

Support groups - Alanon is one option for someone affected by the addiction of a family member!!

Counseling.

(In recent years, I’ve been faced with a combination of grief and guilt after two deaths. Journaling helped me a lot - but I was also drawing on tools I had previously developed in several years of attending alanon meetings.)

 

[Diamond Girl 21]

I'm so sorry for loss. We all grieve in our own way, and process our loss differently. I truly wish I had sage words of advice that would help alleviate your pain, but no words can change the process you must go through. Sending my deepest condolences and healing thoughts.

 

[Cosmetologist]

Wow, I am really humbled by all of your kind & supportive advice it's so reaffirming to hear there is no right or wrong way to grieve its so hard to see that yourself when you are also experiencing it.

I spoke with my DH earlier regarding Gail his sister he isn't feeling as guilty as he was I said it was only Gail's actions & addictions while she was alive that has caused you to feel like this you aren't doing it out of malice you cannot fake your true emotions and sadly Gail made so many choices that irreparably hurt those who loved her most so its completely understandable to have strong mixed feelings about her passing.

On a lighter note we had our first good chuckle earlier about something my Mother-In-Law used to do so it's nice to experience that side of her loss remembering all the happy times we shared as a family & I know we can take great comfort in that and celebrate her memory by remembering the happy times.

So long as she lives on in our hearts she is never truly gone, Again I cannot thank you all enough for the overwhelming warmth & kindness you've all shown here during this very difficult time it's a testament to what a wonderful community this is & I feel honoured to be apart of it.