Help!

[cate]

My fiance and I have decided on a very small wedding with only our parents there. We were going to elope, but he wanted to include his parents, so we agreed to just invite our four parents. Besides, we can''t afford to invite anyone else and I honestly don''t want anymore than that at our wedding.

Now his parents want to invite their friends and other relatives. They offered to pay for them. The thing is, I don''t want all those people at our wedding. I just want it to be us and our parents. We''re not even having our own friends at the wedding because we want it that way.

He seems to feel like it''s too difficult to tell his parents no, but this is OUR wedding, not their party. I really feel strongly about only having four guests. He has already told his parents that we want it this way, but they are really pushing him. I''m fuming about this!

Any advice on how to handle this situation?

 

[andex23]

Is it too bold to call up FI''s parents and tell them no?

Tell them what you told us. You would have originally liked to elope, but you are respecting his (FI) wishes to invite your parents (both yours and his).

You understand and appreciate their excitement at seeing their son become married and understand how FI would want them to share in this wonderful ceremony as they (his parents) are very important to both of you. WIth that being said, there will only be six people present at this ceremony (bride, groom, and both sets of parents). (Maybe threaten that if there are more than 6, then someone else can take your place???--that''s probably not a good idea, but you get what I mean)

If they would like to host a dinner, party, Christmas, whatever (at their expense, planning, etc.) for their friends and family, both you and FI would be happy to attend. Just tell you when, where, and you''ll be there.

Stand your ground. I think that too many times weddings become about everyone else and the bride/planner bending over backwards trying to keep everyone happy. If it''s your party, do what you want to.

 

[charbie]

I''m sorry this situation has occurred for you. Its annoying to have people try to make your wedding theirs. What I would do is let your FMIL know that for your actual wedding day/ceremony you have always envisioned a small wedding with just your family, and would appreciate to have the kind of wedding you have dreamed of. Any woman should understand that kind of statement.
In order to keep the peace, see how she would feel about a celebration for the wedding that includes other people at another time. Would that be an option for you?

 

[cate]

Thanks for your answers. This whole wedding thing is getting to be more about stress than excitement. It's not even both sets of parents. It's just my dad and his Dad, mom, and stepmom. I lost my mother recently. It's going to be hard enough for me to get married without my mom there, and hard on my dad, too. I don't feel comfortable calling his parents, though. I've only met them a couple times.

I really love your ideas on a celebration dinner at a later date. I'm going to mention that to him. I hope it goes over well. Thanks!

 

[Miscka]

Put your foot down, for real, or elope. I was stuck in a similar situation, and I went with the eloping.

Now we are throwing a party and I care a lot less about those things than I would if it were my actual wedding wedding.

Good luck!

 

[honey22]

Put your foot down NOW! You talk to them directly if your FI can''t do it. Explain to them that it''s your wedding day and you are not even inviting your own friends. To be honest, they are being incredibly rude and disrespectful!

We are having a small destination wedding. Parents, siblings and less than 6 of our own friends. Our parents wanted to invite other family members but we put our foot down and said no. And luckily now, people have come to understand our vision for our wedding and realise we made the best choice for us.

They will get over it, but you will never forget that you were forced into having people that you didn''t want there. It''s just not fair!

 

[cate]

Wow, thank you for all the support. I need to hear this. I know it''s a problem at a lot of weddings. I told my FI that this is OUR wedding and we need to do it OUR way. I''ve already given in to him once, because I really wanted to elope...just the two of us.

But you''re right, I need to put my foot down. And SOON. Maybe if I explain how I feel regarding my mom they''d understand. The wedding is going to be very emotional for me without her there. My wedding needs to stay small and intimate.

You guys are giving me a lot of strength to deal with this. Thanks!

 

[omieluv]

I agree with putting your foot down. All too often small weddings can explode into a huge event. Would it be possible to have the tiny wedding you want and then throw a party for the rest of the family/friends at a later date?

ETA: if you put your foot down now, you will also be sending a message to his family that you are not their doormat.

 

[honey22]

Date: 8/14/2009 5:58:22 PM
Author: omieluv
I agree with putting your foot down. All too often small weddings can explode into a huge event. Would it be possible to have the tiny wedding you want and then throw a party for the rest of the family/friends at a later date?


ETA: if you put your foot down now, you will also be sending a message to his family that you are not their doormat.

The after party is a great idea omieluv, and a good way to calm the parents down!

 

[trishy]

this is EXACTLY why we eloped.

our parents were upset.

but got over it quickly.

my MIL still ended up planning a reception for us at her house over 8 months later. wedding cake and all. so she still got what she wanted anyway... LOL
why dont you ask for a reception type thing down the road for friends to come celebrate the union. keep your wedding like you two want it.
THATS YOUR MOMENT. however you and the groom want it. PERIOD.
you have my support. sorry about this

ETA - just my mil alone has 9 very close siblings, all with SO and a ton of kids [cousins], the family pic has over 200 people... thats JUST MIL and her siblings!! not including my hubby's dads side or any of my family. my hubby's brother had the huge wedding as does all the cousins. over 400 people. sometimes i wonder how much of the wedding ends up being a status symbol for the parents.

both of our parents [hubby and i] are both divorced and remarried. all the divorced people DO NOT get along... is that the reason we eloped? nope. we wanted it to be a super SUPER personal, very private moment. i love love love my wedding. it couldnt have been more perfect. it was so dreamy. so much about him and i. everyone celebrated with us when we told them over the phone. MIL cried tho. and didnt talk to us for two weeks. then called us up and invited us over to apologize for being selfish. i am very close with my MIL. both before and after the wedding. i adore her, and im sorry she was hurt, but it wasnt about her... it was about us. and she knows that, hence forgiveness, and i couldnt have been happier at what she planned for us all those months later... on my hubbys birthday. i so appreciate what she did for us after, i felt even more welcomed to the fam... and forgiven. also, she was allowed to plan whatever SHE wanted and i loved it, instead of feeling like it took away from our wedding day... it added to it.

one of these days we will renew our vows, and she will be there.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 8/14/2009 6:12:19 PM
Author: honey22

Date: 8/14/2009 5:58:22 PM

Author: omieluv

I agree with putting your foot down. All too often small weddings can explode into a huge event. Would it be possible to have the tiny wedding you want and then throw a party for the rest of the family/friends at a later date?



ETA: if you put your foot down now, you will also be sending a message to his family that you are not their doormat.

The after party is a great idea omieluv, and a good way to calm the parents down!

Yes-a celebration party can go a long way towards hurt feelings. Just tell them that you were going to elope but wanted to respect their wishes and include them AND ONLY THEM at your wedding. But that you''d love a chance to celebrate with their friends and family when you get back.

And don''t be wishy washy or leave it up for discussion. Just have your FI say "Look mom and dad, thanks so much for offering to pay, but that isn''t the issue. Our wedding is extremely sacred to us and we want only the closest family in attendance. Since it''s the most important day of our lives we hope that you understand that this is what is really important to us". End of discussion.

 

[ficklefaye]

cate, i have to agree with everyone here, i wanted a very small intimate wedding, but it''s not going to happen because i just didn''t have the guts to put my foot down, don''t get me wrong, i''m happy with my upcoming wedding, but it''s definitely not what i wanted in the beginning, if you want your small intimate wedding, stick to your guns!

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

I just wanted to agree with everyone else and say put your foot down now!!

My original plan was to elope with just us and our 2 kids, (4) then we had to include our mums for baby sitting purposes, (6) but then it wouldn''t have been fair not to include our sisters ( and you can''t forget the husbands (10) and my sister would be mortified if her children weren''t invited (13), then my mum said that we only have a small family and it would be rude not to include my aunties as they are ''the only family we have'' (17), then FI would have to include his aunties to be fair, (21) and then we thought that if we have to put up with all our relatives we would need our close friends there too to balance it out (41), but we have a lot more friends than we realised and now the guest list is pushing 60!!

ha ha.

Did you see how that happened?

Please don''t let it happen to you!!

If you let her get her own way with one thing, it just gives her the green light to keep going with other things...

You need to tell her now that it will only be the 6 of you or just the 2 of you... her choice.

Good luck!!

 

[LilyKat]

Another vote for absolutely putting your foot down. Or rather, as it's his parents, your fiance should be putting his foot down.

I would feel incredibly awkward having an intimate ceremony without even my closest friends, but having some random friends of my in-laws tag along. Your fiance needs to reiterate to them that you would have preferred an elopement, but are making an exception for parents ONLY, regardless of who's paying.

If they want, they could throw you and your husband a party after the wedding and invite whoever they please. Maybe offering that option would appease them?

ETA: I see the party option has already been mentioned. I would make sure I emphasise that they would be the ones to throw the party, to avoid getting sucked into paying for it though.

 

[cocolaw]

i''m sorry that you are going through that! you have already accommodated them. since fiance won''t handle his parents, im afraid that you are going to have to. i would tell fmil (with fiance''s permission) that the whole thing is getting much larger than what you and fiance had envisioned for your wedding. that you two plan to now elope, but that they are welcome to throw you a party when you return!

they should feel honored to be included on your special day-hopefully saying something like that will put it in perspective for them!

 

[KimberlyH]

Just chiming in to add another, you have to say "No more guests" now. The celebration afterwards is a great compromise (it''s what my sister and BIL did and it worked out wonderfully).

 

[cate]

UPDATE! I sat down and explained my feelings fully with my FI and he put his foot down with his parents. He''s not too keen on an after-party, but that''s not important. We''re getting the wedding that WE want.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Yay!

 

[Dannielle]

Thats a great outcome

 

[tyty333]

Date: 8/15/2009 11:02:08 AM
Author: KimberlyH
Just chiming in to add another, you have to say ''No more guests'' now. The celebration afterwards is a great compromise (it''s what my sister and BIL did and it worked out wonderfully).

Way to go!

 

[Kelli]

Oh good! I was going to tell you to put your foot down, and you already did! YAY for you!

 

[charbie]

Date: 8/16/2009 8:48:49 PM
Author: cate
UPDATE! I sat down and explained my feelings fully with my FI and he put his foot down with his parents. He''s not too keen on an after-party, but that''s not important. We''re getting the wedding that WE want.

Good for you. It sounds like you two have a great relationship and it''s so great to have those open communication lines. Can''t wait to hear how things go!

 

[honey22]

Fabulous news!!!!!!!!!!!