Helping friend with divorce

[Rhea]

One of my co-workers turned friend has broken up with her partner after about seven years together. This friend and I have lunch together a couple of times a week and I''m never entirely sure what to say to her. She''s bouncing back and forth between emotions that I don''t understand. And I''m a very practical person so I think of things like getting a lawyer, filing the correct papers. My friend is a bit more laid-back than that so I try not to bring those type of things up.

Is there anything I can do to help her? Anything I should avoid saying?

 

[joflier]

I think it depends on her situation. Was there a 3rd party involved where there would be a lot of bitterness and anger? Or just a breakdown in the relationship? Was it the friends decision or the s.o.''s? That would make a difference in how to approach it, I think.

 

[Rhea]

Friend''s decision. Controlling partner, lots of yelling and tears. No 3rd party involvement.

She''s a pretty new friend and is looking for support, but I can never seem to figure out what to say. Mostly I just sit there and listen, which seems the right thing to do. Honestly, since moving over three years ago I haven''t had any friends. I think I''ve forgotten how to interact with people on a personal level. And I feel it''s really important that I don''t say anything stupid. I''m a solver, someone tells me something and I want to solve it. She''s not a solver, she wants a hug and a shoulder to cry on. It sounds silly, but I''m really having trouble.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 1/16/2009 3:36:00 PM
Author: Addy
Mostly I just sit there and listen

Honestly when a friend is in distress this is one of the best things you can do IMO

 

[Rhea]

Date: 1/16/2009 3:55:34 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 1/16/2009 3:36:00 PM

Author: Addy

Mostly I just sit there and listen

Honestly when a friend is in distress this is one of the best things you can do IMO

I agree. But it can''t be the only thing I do. She commented that I was a bit like a nodding brick wall. Not the most flattering description. Or maybe she was just trying to lighten the mood. I can''t tell. When she said that I went into problem solving mode in an effort to try to engage with her more.

I''m honestly good at this type of thing in my job. We regularly are updated with counselling training, active listening skills, and all kinds of other courses. But she''s not my client, she''s a friend, so there needs to be a personal involvement that I can''t seem get right. Or maybe I am and she''s just teasing me to lighten the mood.

I''m sure this all sounds silly. Maybe I can find a course on how to be a good friend, my interpersonal skills seem to have lapsed.

 

[AmberGretchen]

I think I would just put extra effort into trying to read what she is asking you for. It sounds like she may be pretty confused herself about what she wants and what would be helpful for her right now, so I think just listening is a great idea.

Another good idea would be suggesting things that could be good distractions and/or would help her build her self-esteem back up - maybe giving her some fun books to read (if she likes to read), or suggesting taking a class or something together? I''d also consider sending her notes/checking in outside of work - sometimes it helps just to know someone is thinking about you.

 

[joflier]

I would just tell her that your there for her. That you can be her shoulder to cry on. Tell her that you support her. I know the one phrase that really has helped me, as I have a similar situation, was hearing someone tell me that I was brave. That they admired me for doing the brave thing in leaving that "comfort" zone. Even if it was a controlling one, it was still a comfort zone. And it took some serious courage to walk away from that. As I imagine it did for her.

 

[Rhea]

Thank you! That gives me a starting point and a bit more confidence in helping her when she needs me. I''ve been worried about sounding cliché by saying that she''s brave. I think we''re going to a poetry reading in a week and I''ll be sure to check in with her more often. I''ve been trying to give her space, but it makes sense that like any break-up she might need something to keep her mind off of things sometimes.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I''ve had a similar situation with my sister going through a divorce
I would say the best advice would be to just be there for her and lend a listening ear
It''ll work wonders, tryst me

 

[Gailey]

Addy, are you in the UK?

 

[Rhea]

Date: 2/15/2009 1:15:22 AM
Author: Gailey
Addy, are you in the UK?

Yes, I am. If nothing else, my posting time gives it away!

 

[Gailey]

If your friend''s situation continues the way you think it will go, then she may well need a solicitior. Divorces do not need to be adversarial these days and there are solicitors out there who promote mediation and collaboration. Here''s a website that may help: http://www.collaborativepractice.com/

I think that James Pirrie is the best guy in town - Google him. I met him 20 years ago and he did amazing work for my husband and I with the CSA

Good luck!

 

[Rhea]

Thank you. My friend hasn''t thought that far ahead yet, but if she gets that far I''ll pass this on to her.