Here is my story (sorry it''s so long)

[LyBug]

Hey everyone! I just wanted to say what I great idea this is for us Ladies in Waiting. I wanted to tell everyone my story, mostly so I can get some input and advice, but also because of a comment my bf made on Sunday that''s been nagging at me since then.

My bf and I have been together for two years, since January of 2004. We''ve been living together for over a year now, and I made it clear when we moved in together that I wasn''t going to be content playing housewife for very long. I''m a firm believer in marriage and moving in together, to me, was the step to take before he proposed. I told him that, and he completely agreed. Since we started living together, things have been great. We have our fait share of fights and arguments and it has been a bit tough getting used to each other''s quirks and habits, but right now we''re at a really great place with each other. We''re completely comfortable around each other, very happy, and very much in love. We''ve been renting an apartment for the year we''ve been living together, but we''re looking at houses because we''re both ready to be homeowners and live somewhere a bit bigger than our place right now. It seems like the perfect time for him to propose.

My bf has been married before, it lasted two years and ended almost four years ago. It was a quickie marriage; they had only been dating a few months when he got a job offer in Texas, and when he asked her to come with him, she said she would only go if they were married. So they got married in a civil ceremony before moving there. They lived in Texas for a year before my bf got transferred back to PR, and when they moved back, everything went downhill. There were a lot of fights and she even moved out (and took all his furniture) and finally after seeking the help of therapists and a priest, my bf filed for divorce. Since his marriage, I''m the only person he''s dated seriously.

According to him (and he''s not one to badmouth), his ex-wife was horrible. She used to hit him and even threw a plate of scrambled eggs on him once. (While I''ve sometimes felt like doing this, I''ve never acted on it

) He''s always telling me I''m the best thing that''s ever happened to him and he''s so thankful he gets to spend the rest of his life with me. He''s a bartender at a local pub, and he loves his job. The hours are hard, since he works on weekends, and I work weekdays, but we''ve made it work. Since his line of work is one where women tend to ask for his number or dates and such, he''s taken to wearing a wedding band on his left hand. This happened over a year ago, and he told me that whenever a woman asked him for his number, he''d tell them he was married. That was fine with me, since we always jokingly said that living together was exactly like being married, just without the wedding.

I thought we were on the right track towards marriage and I really want to get married, it''s something very important to me, but on Sunday we were browsing at a local Borders when I saw a book titled "Why Men Marry Bitches". I laughed and showed it to him as a joke, and he says "Yeah, that''s why I''m not getting married anymore." This completely shocked me, since we''ve been talking about marriage and talking about when we have kids and our future house and all for over a year. Right now I feel like I''m wasting my time being with him, because I know that I really want marriage. I haven''t talked to him about this, I''ve just been upset since he said it. I don''t really know what to think about all this. I know he might be nervous or unsure about getting married again, but I really thought we were on the same page. Any advice?

 

[firebirdgold]

Be honest but very calm and non-accusitory. Tell him that his comment at borders confused you and has been bugging you ever since. There's a pretty good chance he'll have no idea what you're talking about.

Repeat the comment in a neutral voice and before he can respond launch directly into the following: Tell him you love him very much and that you have been looking forward to spending the rest of your life with him, but that perhaps the there's been a miscommunication and that you mis-understood his views on your future together? Then pause in a questioning manner and wait for him to respond.

The last bit is worded badly but you get the gist. After all the two genders frequently do have errors in their communications where what one person thinks they've said is not what the other person actually hears! I've also come to the conclusion that there are some areas in life where it's almost impossible to really understand the other person's point of view, you just have to accept that's how they feel and work with it.

I'm betting he never connected his comment about marriage with you. Men are aliens.

 

[robbie3982]

Hi LyBug! Welcome to Pricescope

.

You definitely need to talk to your bf. Sometimes guys just say things without thinking about them. Maybe he didnt'' really mean what he said and it just came out and he didn''t think anything of it. Either way, you need to find out what his long time goals for your relationship are. You''ve been very upfront with him about yours and he needs to do the same for you.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Yeah I would say that you need to talk to him. Casually bring it up. Nothing majorly serious. But maybe for christmas or for a gift you could just buy him a copy of the book and then ask him about the question. Something that could spark a fight should not be treaded lightly.

 

[SoonIHope]

Oh yuck, I''m sorry!!

I agree that you should bring it up in a non-confrontational "so I was just wondering" sort of way and see what he says. As misguided as it is, some guys seem to think comments like this are funny!!

I know my fiance has made the occasional somewhat similar remark and then when I get mad at him he gets all confused and doesn''t understand what the fuss is about since oooobviously he was joking. My persistent "there are some things you just don''t joke about!!" reminders only last so long.

It sounds like, from your description of your relationship, that he is (at least mostly) on the same page as you. I bet he just was reminded of his bitchy ex and was thinking, ha, don''t want to do THAT again! and thought it would be funny to say, even though, in reality, he DOES want to marry you and is looking forward to his future with you - precisely because you''re not a bitch!

Just approach the subject casually, ask him if he really meant it and gently remind him that getting married IS important to you! There don''t seem to be any other red flags in your story, so I bet this was just a case of him not realizing it was a sensitive subject. Good luck, and let us know how your talk goes!!

 

[sk8rjen]

I agree with everything Albi just said, but I am also curious -- how did you respond to him when he said that? Knowing me, I''d have immediately said something like "you''re kidding, right?" or clarified "that''s why you''re not going to marry a bitch ever again," but I am also prone to speaking without thinking. I''m just curious how you controlled the impulse to say something right then and there? It certainly is worthy of a talk, but I''d be calm about it if I were you -- I''m sure he didn''t mean it the way you took it (based on the description of your relationship)... good luck and let us know how it goes!
jen

 

[LyBug]

Thanks so much for your responses, I am going to try and talk to him sometime soon and see if we can get this all sorted out. He knows I''m upset, so he''s been treading lightly around me lately and I know I need to get this out of the way or it will drive me crazy.

In answer to your question sk8jen, I, who am usually outspoken and have jammed my foot in my mouth one too many times, remained very quiet, turned around and went back to browsing. His comment caught me so off guard and was so hurtful to me, that I just couldn''t say anything.

Hopefully I can maintain my calmness and sanity and our talk won''t erupt into a huge blowout. I''ll let you guys know, and thanks again for the support!

 

[akw94]

LyBug, sorry to hear that he made an insensitive comment. I definitely agree that the likelihood is that he meant it differently or that he just didn''t think before making the comment. Speaking from very recent experience, men just view things/statements very differently than we do. I know that I analyze just about everything, especially when it''s relating to an important subject. They don''t always think through what they say or just don''t always mean it the way that we take it. So definitely talk about it. I agree that casually is the way to go. I also agree that he probably has no idea that you are upset about that one comment.
I hope your talk goes well!

 

[bobacha]

maybe he just meant "yeah I''m not marrying another bitch".. ?

you need to let him know that his comment has been bothering you for days.. good luck and keep us posted !

 

[aquarius_ser]

My guess is, chances are, he was semi-kidding. Since he''s been burned before, it sounds like he was just taking a cheap shot to stereotype women (aka - "bitches").... Nothing personal towards YOU. (I''m not condoning it, BTW)

My FI used to make similar comments about women and did a lot of stereotyping of women as well. It irritated me at first because he did it quite a bit. He was also married before, in his words "to a whore" that cheated, etc. He also said he would never marry again. Well, now we''re engaged and he has pretty much quit making those comments.

I think time heals everything... he''ll eventually get over the past and if he truly wants to be with you forever, the past will not matter.

 

[FireGoddess]

Is it crazy that I keep thinking of Sex and the City episodes mirroring people''s lives? Big said this to Carrie while they were dating (he''d been married before) in one episode. She hadn''t even wanted to get married before he told her that he never would again. (And he does end up getting married again.)

Now for real life...

I do think that since this bothered you, it''s something to bring up gently to him. I can see this nagging at you until you blow up about it if you don''t say something. I would tell him that he may think it''s silly but what he said in the bookstore about not getting married ever again really hurt you since the two of you have discussed spending the future together. It may have been a snarky comment he made in reaction to seeing the book and knowing what he''s gone through in the past. I don''t think it was an underhanded statement towards you. But why not just be open about it? That''s what I''d do. Good luck!