He''s not ready, and I don''t think I am, either.

[WeightLifterChick]

I''m glad the BF and I had this talk now and got everything out in the open. It helped me realize that I have been freaking out over engagement and marriage for no good reason.

We talked Saturday about the whole engagement/marriage issue. A friend of his recently proposed to her boyfriend. When he told me, I used the opportunity to try and casually bring up our future together. He told me that he is too young to get married, and that we won''t be engaged for at least another 2-3 years. I asked him why he mentioned proposing and getting married a few weeks ago (which had me thinking that he would pop the question in Washington, DC next month) and he said he did not remember ever saying those things. I did get a bit upset at that point, which I then told him to NEVER bring up the subject again unless he means it, because it is a form of emotional abuse.

He told me that just because he doesn''t want to get married now, doesn''t mean that he does not love me any less, or is any less committed to me. I believe that - we do have a solid relationship, rarely ever argue (this is the first argument we''ve had in months, other than a, "I said take out the trash now, not next week" type of tiff). He is a very loyal, trustworthy, kind and caring guy. But, he''s just not ready. Honestly, maybe I''m not ready, either. I think we are all entitled to a "freak out" every now and then in a relationship, and I had mine. Maybe I was just looking for some sort of reassurance from him that he does intend on asking me one day.

We''re both 25 years old, which is still young (in guy years, I guess he''s about 22 or 23). None of our friends are engaged or married. We do not want children. Why the heck am I trying to rush things?

Anywho, I just thought I''d let it all out here. At this point I am not at the "marry me or else" stage, and I don''t want to ruin a perfectly good relationship over this.

Thanks for listening!

 

[SuLi]

Hi there -

I''m glad that you had a chance to talk to your BF and set aside some of your concerns. It seems like both are you are thinking about your relationship very logically, and seem to be at the right place.

Enjoy your trip!

 

[Tuesday]

Oh hon, I''m so sorry to hear that. While it''s probably for the best, it''s still hard to cope with.

Maybe with the pressure off, he''ll be more receptive to taking time to think about why he''s not ready and what the two of you can do together to work toward being ready.

 

[Mara]

good for you two for having the talk and reigning yourself in!! in my opinion...if marriage is forever then i never quite understand why people are in such a rush to get to that part. to me it''s a natural progression and while i dont think that anyone should just wait around forever, i do think theres a time and a place for it. i would just continue to enjoy your relationship and know that when it''s time, at least you two are on the same page! kudos.

 

[bee*]

Fair play to you for having the chat with him. D and I had that chat over two and a half years ago and it went kind of the same way. I was happy waiting as the reasons that he gave me were valid ones and I wasn''t in that much of a rush. The time has flown by. I can understand how upsetting it can be hearing that they don''t want to get married straight away but it is better to wait until they''re ready also. Enjoy your relationship and it will be great when you guys do get engaged.

 

[mimzy]

good! i''m glad you''re feeling more about peace about it

and i am SO GLAD you guys had that talk before you went to DC expecting a proposal.

 

[WeightLifterChick]

Thanks for the support, ladies. The talk did get a little heated at some times. I tried not to get too emotional about things. When I told my mom what happened, she was pleased to hear that we had discussed things and that we know where we stand in our relationship. At this point, the main thing that is going to make us more ready together is time. We''re still young. We plan on moving either back up to Orlando or possibly to North Carolina next summer, I''d like to possibly start on getting my master''s degree (ugh, I''m dreading it but I must do it) and eventually we will both be ready to get married. For now, we''ll enjoy things how they are and take life as it comes

Something else I was thinking about is to use this time to grow as an individual. Sometimes it feels as if all I do is work out, work, eat, sleep and repeat

I''m considering becoming active in the local chapter of the Florida Public Relations Association to network and help develop my professional career. I also thought about making a list of what really interests me (such as writing) and becoming involved in those things again, such as taking a creative writing class at the local community college. Or getting off my butt and at least take the GRE. But not overwhelm myself, as I do want to have a home life

Tuesday - You''re right, it was hard having the discussion and it not ending up the way I thought. Sometimes I still get a little sad about it, but I remain positive

Deep down, I know it is for the best.

 

[Tuesday]

My BF and I were at that point earlier in the year. We''ve had a lot of heated discussion on the topic in the last year and a half, but I won''t say we ever argued about it since we''re almost always on the same side of the issue. I think it''s that I''ve just always been a lot more comfortable with risk.

Everything in my life is pretty much a trial by fire, and I jump into things with both eyes open. After my divorce I had pretty much made up my mind that I didn''t need to be married again. That still holds true today - I don''t need to be married, but after dating my current BF (and former high-school crush!) for a year, I knew that I wanted to be his wife, and I knew that we both had what it took to make it work.

We were both scared (hell, I still am sometimes when I think about it) but for him the fear was something that kept him from thinking about it at all. He''d tell me straight out he wanted to marry me someday, but if you asked him about specifics he was just paralyzed on the topic. He could say he wasn''t ready, but he didn''t know why. It took the kind of discussion that you had with your BF for my guy to realize that I was not only serious about the issue, but confident that we could handle it. I think my confidence has bled over and helped bolster him as well and within the past few months he''s told me straight out that he''s ready.

Hopefully this will be an honest exchange that will serve as a stepping point to more discussion for you both. I know that right now you''re probably going through a million emotions, from being sad and disappointed to maybe even feeling a little relieved. It''s ok to be disappointed (or even relieved!), just don''t let it distract you from all the things that are great about your relationship, and all the reasons you want to marry him in the first place!