Hi all, new and need your opinion....

[softnonly]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been lurking, I confess it. I am going to plunge straight in as I feel I know you all already! So my apologies in advance if this gets a bit boring.

I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for 10 years now. Marriage was discussed when we were younger as not being particularly important to either of us. I will be 30 this year, and I’ve started thinking that maybe it’s time to take that next step. I’ve been thinking that if this isn’t going to the ‘the’ relationship, then maybe we should both start looking elsewhere. Ok, I admit that I am feeling old and may be having a little meltdown about impending 30th birthday…

So, the poor guy, I tell him last year that I wanted to get married and he was completely shocked. Fair enough as we’ve both spent the past 10 years saying we won’t get married and even defending that position to family/friends. So, as I said, I raised the topic last year, we talked, and I thought it was all good, that we were on the same page. I thought that he would propose, eventually, (some time this year), and we would, eventually, marry (sometime in the next 2-3 years).

Let me clarify here, I am not really into a big wedding, but the two things I would like is to be ‘joined’ to him permanently and to have a nice piece of jewellery. I can get the jewellery myself if it comes down to that, but I do need him for the marriage part.

Other than the usual relationship stuff (get your dirty socks off the floor, or whatever) we are very happy. I love him. I am sure he loves me. His family like me, and half of them can’t understand why we aren’t married already. There is only one other issue….and that is children. He says that thinks he thinks he might want them, eventually (but not now), and I am pretty sure I can live my life without them and just enjoy my nieces and nephews.

So, the actual reason for this post is that just a few weeks ago he said to me the only reason he would get married is if we were going to have children and since I didn’t want them, what was the point in getting married and that we should just stay as we are. In this same conversation he says that he would marry me, but it would be only to please me.

This does not please me at all. I’d never want to bully him into marriage. That would just be awful. It would leave a bad taste in my mouth. In fact, this last conversation is making me totally sick.

So what on earth do I do? Are we doomed? If he asks me now, I’d be really sad as I would know it wasn’t really what he wanted…but then if he doesn’t ask me…Gosh, I feel like I am going crazy…and I was trying to pluck up the courage to post here until I remembered that as some of you are just as crazy as me (in the nicest way of course).

I’d appreciate your thoughts….thanks in advance…

Nicola

 

[Mandarine]

Hi Nicola! Welcome!!

We were all lurkers before....so don''t feel bad...and yes, we are all a little crazy...in a good, loving way...of course!

I''m very sorry to hear you guys don''t seem to be on the same page. I guess I just don''t understand how you went from not wanting to get married, and defending that position...to then wanting to get married. Did he mention the kids thing when you guys talk about marriage last year? or is this something new he brought up??

It sounds as maybe when you guys talked about it last year he felt ok with it...but maybe now he is just questioning why the sudden change in both of you to wanting to get married. Maybe talking about kids is just a way to kind of change the direction of the conversation...instead of just accepting maybe he''s not ok with the idea of getting married.

I don''t know...it is definitely a different situation...I''m sure you will get tons of support here and great advice!

Welcome again!

M~

 

[JulieN]

"In this same conversation he says that he would marry me, but it would be only to please me."

Hmm, I don't see anything wrong with that. He loves you enough to marry you. He wants to please you! That's a good thing.

 

[softnonly]

I never really saw marriage as an important thing, in my life at least...but I guess with the length of the relationship and turning 30 this year i''ve been thinking about what I really want. I kind of think it is time to grow up and work out if this relationship is ''the one'' or not. I know it is not fair on my boyfriend to go from not wanting to marry to wanting to get married. So that is why we discussed it, and last year he seemed to be agreeable to it.

As to him ''doing it for me'' - I don''t want that. I think marriage is so important that you both have to want to do it. It isn''t something you just do for someone else. It would just make the whole marriage meaningless in my book.

Sorry, bit of a confused post...

Thanks for your advice gals.

 

[sk8rjen]

Hi Nicola and welcome!!

I don''t honestly have any great advice. I think 10 years is a long time, and when you are together with someone that long it''s easy to fall into a pattern and so possibly his thinking is "unless children are going to be involved, why change what we have" not so much "I only want to marry you if we have children"

Guys most of the time are not as good at expressing themselves as girls --- it seems that whatever comes out of their mouth -- if it means approximately what they want it to mean -- is good enough. Most of us say it, say it again another way, and then again, just to make it clear. Right??

I''m hoping that in this case you just need another talk with him to clarify, and I sincerely hope you get the answers you want!

Welcome to our dysfunctional family

jen

 

[softnonly]

Hey Jen,

You have a point there. I think it is probably more about keeping the status quo on his part. I am kind of reluctant to talk about this again with him as I do feel he made his point. Funny isnt'' it how even after 10 years I feel like I discover new things about him all the time.

Thanks for the warm welcome everyone!

Nicola

 

[blueroses]

Welcome softnonly!! ......are you me??

Seriously though, minus the 180 in desire to be married, you and your bf sound a lot like my bf and me. (Together 9 1/2 years, we''re now almost 32/33, blahblahblah. More on my own thread--we''re in couples'' therapy now and trying to figure out how to move forward.)

You raise a VERY good question/point, and it''s something that our counselor has been making me face the possibility of: what if he comes back (we''re on this mandated "seperation" right now) and says something to the effect of, I love you, I want to be with you, but honestly it turns out marriage just isn''t all that important to me. So if you really want to be married, let''s get married because that''s what you want and I want to make you happy--and I"ll lose you if I don''t do it" Or something like that--she keeps presenting it in varying incarnations, some sounding almost romantic and sweet and some downright devastating.

So it''s a very good thing to ponder--is it enough for one of you to want it enough for BOTH of you even if the other person still wants to BE with you.....is that enough or even ok?

 

[softnonly]

Ahh Blueroses, a kindered spirit! Something to consider...but I can''t seem to put a happy ''spin'' on "we can if you want to".

Maybe I need to work on that.

Nicola

 

[diamondfan]

Hi! Welcome to PS...it is a great source for so much.

First, I am sorry if you are having sort of an existential issue right now. Ten years is a long time I agree. But I have a few questions, if they are too personal let me know, but just trying to get a whole picture.

I understand now you want to take the next step, and do not agree with the only reason to get married is to have kids. I know many people who are married and "childless by choice" or not by choice, but are still happy to be married. I think it does matter, at least, it did to me, and if you want it you should have it. Is there any particular reason kids aren''t something you think you want? Do you think you might feel differently later? Clearly it is an important issue to resolve before any marriage...and if you are adamantly against or he is adamantly pro, this may not be the long term relationship for either of you. Also, why do you think you are not content to be "life partners" without marriage and yet he is okay with it?

I agree that the fact that he would marry you since you want it shows he is taking your wishes to heart, but I would only want it if he was happy about the prospect, again, being on the same page seems important to me, prior to goiing to the next step.

I hope this makes sense. I hope you sort it out and come to a place that works for both of you. But, since you clearly have to make a choice either way, I hope it works out in the end. I guess, at the end of the day, things happen for a reason. Ten years IS a long time, but at the same time, if you reach an impasse, you do not want to look back at almost 40 and regret anything. Good luck!

 

[blueroses]

Yeah, it''s a tough one to spin. After 10 years I don''t think you really can--more along the lines of when someone who never wanted to get married meets someone who makes them want to (happened to one of my girlfriends who married an older bachelor who was never going to marry....) but of course our long-term relationships don''t really lend themselves to that.

Maybe sort of an I''ll do whatever it takes to make you happy and keep us together forever thing?

Nah, it still always feels like some kind of a compromise, doesn''t it. I struggle w/ it too! Hang in there, Nicola!!! And welcome to the LIW!!!!

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 5/2/2006 8:51:56 PM
Author:softnonly

Let me clarify here, I am not really into a big wedding, but the two things I would like is to be ‘joined’ to him permanently and to have a nice piece of jewellery. I can get the jewellery myself if it comes down to that, but I do need him for the marriage part.

Welcome Nicola... glad you decided to post! This forum is so great for just getting some new perspectives when you''re feel "stuck" for some reason. Without knowing you guys personally, I have to say what jumped out at me first was your simple desire to be "joined" permanently and of course have a beautiful piece of jewelry to represent that. I also sometimes feel like I would be perfectly happy to just skip over the whole wedding part and head right into the "happily ever after" part... but with a guy I can finally call my husband, rather than boyfriend!

My impression is that you both have a really healthy attitude about marriage in general... rather than just jump right into it because "everyone else does"... you''re taking the time to think about what will be best for your relationship and future together. I''m not sure if you guys are questioning your long-term future as a couple, or just the neccessity/practicality of being married in this culture... but if you DO feel the need to be more official about the "happily ever after" part... I''m wondering if maybe your BF would be more comfortable skipping the formal "proposal" and just shopping for rings together to commemorate the past 10 years you''ve spent together... then eventually planning some sort of special commitment ceremony that would be unique to you guys and your situation. That way, you are joined in marriage for all practical purposes (and if you should decide to have kids someday), but without it being a bigger deal than it has to be. You will still be exactly who you are, as a stable, happy, unique couple. Just a thought!

Good luck to you!!

 

[softnonly]

You know, I could really skip the whole wedding part altogether. You hit it spot on Ephemery, it''s not about the wedding, it''s about the ''joining''. And we have moved this year from the city to a more rural area. Maybe I am feeling the social pressure to marry. It was never an issue in the city.

And as to kids...we have plenty of nieces and nephews...and I LOVE kids, really I do...but I just think kids are one of those things where you really really have to want them...and not just have them because you can. I just think we are both of us far to selfish to have children. We like our current way of life too much. My boyfriend always just ''assumed'' that you grow up and have children.

Thanks so much everyone, it just feels good to ''vent'' and toss ideas around.
Nicola

 

[~*Alexis*~]

One thing I can say is depending on where you live ( i am from WI) if you have lived together for that long and ben together you could be called a common law marriage. You could point that out to him, that might help his prospective. Sometimes guys are not all that forward with their feelings (go figure!!) You could just have a commitment ceremony, have a big party and just get the ring.

He should ever get the milk without buying the cow.

What are your thoughts on this????

 

[ello]

I feel for you and totally understand you hopes and dreams. I think after 10 years you deserve to have a ''joined'' commitment. I think the only thing left to do is to have a heart to heart and truly say want you feel that including wanting to proceed to the next step. You should never have to sacrifice your hopes and dreams because someone else might have a different view of commitment. If it''s something you truly desire you should be FIRM. I hope it all works out - please keep us posted! Crossing my fingers on this end!

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 5/2/2006 10:16:38 PM
Author: softnonly
You know, I could really skip the whole wedding part altogether. You hit it spot on Ephemery, it''s not about the wedding, it''s about the ''joining''. And we have moved this year from the city to a more rural area. Maybe I am feeling the social pressure to marry. It was never an issue in the city.

And as to kids...we have plenty of nieces and nephews...and I LOVE kids, really I do...but I just think kids are one of those things where you really really have to want them...and not just have them because you can. I just think we are both of us far to selfish to have children. We like our current way of life too much. My boyfriend always just ''assumed'' that you grow up and have children.

Thanks so much everyone, it just feels good to ''vent'' and toss ideas around.
Nicola

If it is just being joined, there is the common law issue (I think it is 7 years) like someone mentioned. You could always skip the stress inducing hoopla and just go off somewhere together and do it...have a little get together after...

As for kids, maybe he really does not care? Thinks, like you said, it is part of the natural progression to things? Maybe owrth exploring?




It might also

 

[firebirdgold]

Hi Soft!

Welcome to LIW!!

Sounds like you need to have another talk with him (fun) to clarify what you're feeling. Also I've learned that it never pays to assume that the other person really understood what you meant or that you understood what he meant.


You might want to be careful about making decsisions under the influence of the approaching big 30. I panicked when I turned thirty and had been single for a decade. I latched onto the first reasonably smart guy on Match.com and ignored all the many warning signs. Of course if I hadn't I never would have met my beloved, so I'm not too unhappy about my fit of delusion. Anyway, part of your urges may be the age and new enviroment thing. But it could also just be wanting a sense of permance and making it official. We're all pretty tired of referring to our S.O.'s as our 'boyfriends'. And I don't know about your area, but people around here make certain assumtions when you use the word 'partner'.

It's funny about the kid thing. When we first started going out I think my bf thought the same thing as yours- kids are just what you do when you grow up. But I feel like he's starting to change his mind about having kids, which is fine with me. Don't feel bad about not being enthused over having kids. I think it's not that uncommon. Both my sister and I are not exactly hearing ticking noises and we're both in our thirties.
However my mom always says that it's different when you have your own kids. She didn't care for kids originally, but the whole instinct thing kicked in when she had my sister and she never regretted having kids. possibly a last ditch effort to have grandbabies without fur!

The relationship sounds a bit precarious at the moment, perhaps you guys might consider couples counseling? Work out what you both really want from your future.

Good Luck!

ETA: oh yeah, forgot. I wouldn't want to get married to someone who wasn't just as excited about it as I am. I feel like you really have to want the marriage for it to work. It's not like being married is easy, you know?

 

[Mannequin]

Not much more to add to the comments above other than my support, softnonly. The other LIWs have covered my advice already.

Good luck in making progress with this situation!

 

[Blenheim]

I don''t really have much to add, but I just wanted to welcome you to Pricescope.

It''s a great place for support and advice. I hope that you figure all of this out!

 

[ilovesparkles]

There has been a large influx of discussion about couples counseling lately, and I would highly suggest it. (There is even a thread on it you may have read.) Don''t look at it as for people that have issues, but as a tool to really help you understand eachother. Having a moderator to help you understand each other and raise questions you might never think of can truly be helpful. Perhaps this is a better way for you two to discuss the issues at hand. Goodluck and stick around!

 

[Rhapsody]

For the first 5 years of our relationship I was pretty ambivalent about marriage. I felt like I didn't need it, and that a relationship would either survive or fail regardless on whether the people were married.

But then we started talking about buying a house together, and possibly moving across country and all of a sudden I felt like before I made these huge changes I wanted a more "solid" commitment. He couldn't really understand why I all of a sudden cared about getting married, and was a bit put off by my change of opinion on the subject. Like you, we don't want a wedding and we don't want kids, so my bf felt like the formality of marriage wasn't important. But I found myself wanting to get married and I wasn't even sure why.

My boyfriend has also agreed to get married because it's important to me. He kinda views marriage as a religiously constructed event, and he doesn't like the idea of needing an outside source to tell us our relationship is now "official". He also doesn't put much value on symbolism and ritual, but I do so he's willing to do what will make me happy. Sometimes I worry that I'm bullying him into it, but I believe he's not doing this because he's afraid to lose me but because he wants to respect whats important to me, whether he understands it or not.

I certainly don't think you're doomed, and I think if you know your boyfriend well enough you'll be able to tell if you are "bullying" him or if he loves you and just wants you to be happy.

Welcome and good luck!

 

[allycat0303]

Hi Nicola!

Welcome to PS! I''ve also been with my boyfriend for 10 years (we started dating when we were 16) and recently got engaged.

So basically, I''m ambivalent on kids too, I''m not sure I want them, but he says he might. The thing is, I''m not all that crazy on this marriage thing either, for lots of reasons. For one thing, we have an AMAZING relationship, and I don''t want anything to change. I don''t know if it will, but it might. Plus I can''t really be bothered to plan the marriage. I go back and forth on this...there have been times where I actually want a wedding, but 90% of my daily life, I think to myself...grrr... it''s too much trouble. But I really love him, and there isn''t a doubt in my mind that I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I would want that to be enough for him.

But he sees marriage as a big committement, etc., so ok, we''re going to get married in a few years, no big deal. Now if I were with a guy that didn''t want to get married, I would be ok with that too. I don''t think that means I''m being "BULLIED" into marriage....I want him to happy, and marriage either way doesn''t matter to me, so might as well make him happy. I just don''t think it''s a reflection on the quality of your relationship.

So yes, I think of it as working together to find a solution that works for both of you. I know a girl that tricked her husband into marriage...now that''s bullying. She told him she wanted to talk to the priest about something or other, and if he would come with her. Anyway when he got there, he found out it was for marriage counselling because she had booked a church

. He went through with it....now that''s bullying.

I would just say to him, "Marriage is really important to me, and I want to get married one day." Then let him talk, see how he feels. You are basically changing the pattern of your relationship...all these years you haven''t really discussed marriage and now you are. It''s a change and a shock to his system, let him adjust to the idea. Good luck!

 

[Cailet]

hey Nicola!
Wow - I am another kindred spirit!! My bf and I have been together about 9 or so years.
I''ve written my story a couple a times - but short story - I didn''t even think about marriage for at least the first 6 years - then I started thinking of it in a "future" sense. Late last year I suddenly wanted to get married NOW! I also just turned 30 (last week!) so that probably has something to do with my sudden rush. So far the bf seems to be on board with the plan of getting engaged by the end of the year. We shall see if it turns out that way since he hasn''t made any progress on that front as far as I know!

We aren''t sure on children either - although we both talk about what "our kids" will do we haven''t made a definitive decision on whether we will actually have children or not.

I''ve been looking at counselling for us too - it''s just hard to know where to go! I think that I would have to end the relationship if he decided he didn''t want to get married - it''s hard to say how I would react if he proposed with a "i''m only doing this cause you want to get married - but I don''t really care" kind of speech.

I guess I don''t really have any advice either - but just wanted to let you know that there seem to be a bunch of us in similar situations.....

Good luck and welcome!

 

[froufrou]

hi soft, welcome

is it possible that he doesn''t want to marry you because he thinks he might want to have kids but you don''t want to have any for sure? like maybe he really wanted kids but after meeting you decided he only might want them, since you said you didnt, but then he wants to keep his options open in case in the future he really does want to have kids a lot and wants to meet someone who would have kids with him? its possible that kids are after all very important for him. i dont know your situation well at all but i thought maybe that should also be mentioned?

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 5/2/2006 11:12:17 PM
Author: IndieJones

You might want to be careful about making decsisions under the influence of the approaching big 30.

Funny, I was thinking through the same thing as I read this thread...

The "big 3-0" does have a way of making the best of us do the wig-out. Hey, it made me quit my great job and run off to Europe with a backpack...all my clothes fit in two 2-gallon ziploc bags. Man, I was grubby! I have lots of friends who are a decade older than me and they turned the big 4-0 a lot more gracefully than a lot of us who turned 30. What is it about 30....

Anyway, I''m happy to welcome you over the hump when it happens. In the meantime, see if you can sit back and see how things go. When I was in my 20s, I was sure I was going to be married by 30. Not because I wanted to be married, mind you. I thought this only because it seemed like a normal rite of passage. When I got close to 30 and there was no prospect in sight, I kind of felt like the deadline was a noose around my neck. When 30 came and went, I honestly didn''t care anymore. The mental block of 30 and married was gone, I would never be married pre-30, so why sweat it? I''d worry about it when I turned 40. Or 50.

I swear, life has a way of dropping things in your life when you truly don''t expect it. Of course as fate would have it, I met my man during that backpacking trip.

 

[FireGoddess]

Here''s another reason to get married - it doesn''t matter how long you''ve been living together, God forbid something were to happen to one of you and you were hospitalized - and only ''immediate relatives'' were allowed in. Guess who wouldn''t be let in??? That''s a damn good reason to me. Shouldn''t be the only reason of course, but it''s a good one.

I know people hem and haw about marriage being just a piece of paper...yadda yadda yadda, whatever. If it''s just a piece of paper, then why not do it and benefit for all the legal reasons? You can come up with as many reasons to do it as not to do it. The bottom line is, if it will make you happy and its what you want, I hope it''s not such a huge deal that he won''t consider it!