His friend let it slip...

[thatsthegirl212]

My bf and I went to the Hamptons for the week (we both can work remotely) and we went out to dinner with some of his friends I haven''t met before. It was three other couples and D and I. At some point the women broke off from the men and of course the subject of engagements, proposals, etc was brought up. One of them recently got engaged and was showing off her ring and telling us how her fiancé proposed. I just sat and listened as they all knew each other and were talking about other friends of theirs who also had gotten engaged. What bugged me was that they seemed really competitive about how ''big'' the stone was, how much the wedding will be, etc. I had nothing to contribute as that is really not me, I even started thinking it was about time to go home at this point! Well, then one of the women turned to me and said that she wondered who would be engaged first, me or her. I started laughing because this was not something I think D, of even me for that matter, was even thinking. She then repeated her question to all of us and the other woman (the one who was engaged) said that I would be for sure in that she knew for a fact that he had contacted her fiancé regarding who he used to get her diamond and he wanted to know if she would help him pick out a diamond when the time came. Needless to say I was speechless, this was NOT something I had considered other than hoping our relationship was progressing, sure I thought about the future but not anything happening this year even.. Now I know he has dropped hints about us living together he has yet to even officially ask me. She said that she was supposed to get a ''feel'' for me and as to what sort of ring I''d like! Mind you, I haven''t said a word at this point because I was stunned, then the other when started chiming in about the merits of this cut and that cut and they must of thought I was nuts in that I stood up and excused myself. I went to the bathroom just to get away, I don''t know what to think, on one hand I was excited but on the other hand I was really anxious and scared. Am I ready for this? I don''t even know... I want to talk to him as I don''t even know everything one should know about someone before they get married, does he want kids? What if he doesn''t? I haven''t even met his parents yet or he mine...I can''t just bring this up with him ''gee, I heard you were thinking of proposing but there are several things we should discuss first, like do you want kids and how many??''. What should I do??? Am I overreacting? Over thinking this??

 

[Bagel_Bandit]

I'm sorry that the situation has brought about a bit of stress for you. I think that you should first have a talk with yourself and figure out where you want your relationship to be at this point in your life, then somehow bring the topic to your boyfriend's attention. It will need a lot of tact and forethought because I understand you want to avoid any awkwardness with your boyfriend, but I really think it's necessary to somehow open up a conversation about where your relationship is headed (whether it's just at the "moving in together" point, or at some other point...) particularly since the news that he was even thinking about marriage seems so unexpected by you. You don't even have to bring up the word "marriage"...just have a talk about where he sees your relationship going.

Marriage shouldn't be something you surprise a person with. Surprise them with a gorgeous ring, yes!!!

But a lifetime commitment must be talked about first so that you know it's something that both of you want to have with each other.

Was he within earshot when the lady told you that she was acting as his ring spy?

Best wishes!

~Bagel

 

[KimberlyH]

ttg, if you are really unsure about all of those things it''s time to talk to your boyfriend. You could tell him one of his friends hinted that he was interested in getting engaged and let him know if that''s the case the two of you have some things you should discuss, and even if it''s not true it may be a good time to talk about what you both want and hope for in your individual and collective future. It may be awkward but it is such an important conversation to have.

I was engaged to someone else, before my husband; the proposal was a total suprise and I said yes because I was shocked and didn''t know what else to say. Over time I realized that we were absolutely not meant to be together and had to break things off. You will be much better off having a slightly uncomfortable conversation now than calling off a wedding later because you aren''t right for each other.

I hope things go well and this is resolved in a way that makes you both happy.

 

[katomm]

Wow, I can totally understand why you needed to get away. That''s a lot to lay on someone without warning.

I definitely think your BF should''ve said something by now if he''s asking his friends to fish for info about rings you like. Does he communicate well about other things? It sounds like you''re not ready, don''t push it and don''t do something you don''t want to do.

Opening up a conversation with him about what happened would be a good start. Good luck!

 

[jaylex]

I''m sorry, but does anyone else find it in bad taste that the woman told ttg212 that much?! I would be totally ticked off if the person who was supposed to be acting as my undercover spy spewed the entire plan like she was some kind of erupting volcano. Especially in a setting like that.

Geeze. That woman spared no details.

I def think you should talk to your bf. SOON! That way you both know that you are "marriage" compatible BEFORE you say "Yes!!"

Good luck! sending some "communication" dust your way!

 

[thatsthegirl212]

Thank you so much Kimberly and Bagel for your wonderful advice, it is something that I''ve been wanting to talk to him about but even more so now in light of what his friends fiancé said. I''m not sure how to bring in up, I hesitate just launching into it or saying ''we need to talk''. I''m hoping something will happen and he''ll want to talk about it or maybe it''ll come up naturally? Wishful thinking I know! Maybe a movie which will provoke deep thoughts and thinking? Any suggestions?
Kimberly, like you, I know it would be better to have the talks now and find out if it''s ''meant to be'' than to be planning a wedding by mistake. I was engaged twice before and both times I realized I said yes more out of not knowing how to say no. The first was when I was just out of college (young &clueless), we had only been engaged for a few months before i ended it. the second was to a man that I knew at the time was wrong to say yes, but I was afraid to lose him, we both chose mutually to end it and have remained friends. So I really want this relationship to progress for all the right reasons, and not the wrong ones. I do love him and want this to move forward, he means the world to me and he is such an amazing man. He is truly a romantic and is constantly amazing me with surprise dates, flowers, etc. He even remembered the first time we met in the hamptons, described to a detail what I was wearing because he said he couldn''t take his eyes off of me (well, maybe not in detail but enough to know I was wearing blue! I can''t imagine not talking to him before I go to bed at night and when I arrive at work in the morning there is always a voice mail message from him to say hello or ''I love you''. Two months ago I states home with the worst cold and he had orange juice and chicken soup delivered to me home, along with two chick flick movies I had once mentioned I loved to watch over & over again..
But still....,I''m scared.

 

[thatsthegirl212]

Katomm, D and I are good at talking about our feelings and such but it's not like we have 'deep' conversations all of the time. In fact he's usually the one who starts those conversations, like when he first told me he loved me, he's the one who got me to open up as I'm not as good at talking about my feelings...gee, can you tell?

Jaylex, thank you! I was so overwhelmed by this woman telling me all this and later on mad because I was sure D didn't expect her to share it all with me, I must say that most of D's friends I really line and respect but this group that we went out with I did not like, and not just because of what she said. They just really rubbed me the wrong way. As I said, D has a lot of money but you'd never know it in his lifestyle or attitude, he's very down to earth and most of his of his other friends are the same, this group we went out with just seemed to care looks & money,

 

[Bagel_Bandit]

Maybe the next time he drops another hint about moving in together you can use that as the opening? I don't know, maybe say something like "Aww, you like me that much to live with me 24/7?

" in a flirty, half-joking manner. Hehe, just a silly suggestion.

That's very sweet that he takes the time to do "the little things" that make you happy. It certainly sounds like he cares a lot about you and wants you to know it. Therefore, he could be very receptive to hearing your concerns and especially, too, since you said he usually initiates those types of conversations. You want this relationship to progress in a healthy manner and a way to do that is to be open and honest about how you feel -- and not just the happy, romantic feelings either; fears and concerns need to be shared and addressed, too. It's important to overcome your initial discomfort because in the end what you learn from the conversation, positive or negative, will be invaluable to the development of the relationship. Assure him that the reason you want to talk about it is because you want to build up the relationship that you share. These "deep" (though possibly awkward) conversations can come in handy once in a while

.

Lots of luck to you!

~Bagel

 

[Mannequin]

I am sorry that the female friend seemed so careless with your feelings and your BF's trust. I imagine you felt very awkward and put on the spot! Hopefully she meant everything in the nicest possible way.

Your sweetie sounds like a wonderful person. I definitely think you need to talk to your man, especially if he happens to bring up marriage/engagement/living together again soon. Maybe some books would be helpful in guiding you towards the right questions or appropriate conversations? Among others, I've read three that might be good in helping you narrow down your questions and giving voice to your concerns:

-The Hard Questions: 100 Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do" by Susan Piver

-101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last by Linda Bloom

-The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

The first two are good and the last book is priceless. I can't recommend that one enough. I read it and FF and I took the test in the book to determine our love languages. The book pointed out all the things we'd been doing right and brought us closer as it helped us identify what we were missing and what we needed to enhance in our relationship.

 

[jaylex]

Date: 7/11/2009 12:28:37 AM
Author: equestrienne
I am sorry that the female friend seemed so careless with your feelings and your BF''s trust. I imagine you felt very awkward and put on the spot! Hopefully she meant everything in the nicest possible way.

Your sweetie sounds like a wonderful person. I definitely think you need to talk to your man, especially if he happens to bring up marriage/engagement/living together again soon. Maybe some books would be helpful in guiding you towards the right questions or appropriate conversations? Among others, I''ve read three that might be good in helping you narrow down your questions and giving voice to your concerns:

-The Hard Questions: 100 Questions to Ask Before You Say ''I Do'' by Susan Piver

-101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last by Linda Bloom

-The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

The first two are good and the last book is priceless. I can''t recommend that one enough. I read it and FF and I took the test in the book to determine our love languages. The book pointed out all the things we''d been doing right and brought us closer as it helped us identify what we were missing and what we needed to enhance in our relationship.

We read these together! Both were excellent.
I DEF agree that the 5 love languages is like a marriage communication "manual"! There is no way that we will ever get rid of this book! (unless we let someone borrow it, of course!). I absolutely agree with equestrian, it''s priceless!

 

[Indylady]

I think the other ladies have offered excellent advice.

All I have to say is, cheese louise, bf''s friends sound a little...nosy? ...pretentious? ...rude?

I mean no offense whatsoever, it just sounds like they have put you in a very awkward position!

 

[KimberlyH]

TTG, tell him what you''ve said above! I''ve added to it a bit:

I really want this relationship to progress for all the right reasons, and I am getting the sense that you do as well from your mentioning moving in together and some hints that were dropped at dinner on X night. I do love you and want us to move forward, you mean the world to me and are such an amazing man. I can''t imagine not talking to you before I go to bed at night and I look forward to the voicemails I know will be there when I arrive at work in the morning, I love having you in my life. I''d love to talk to you about this when you''re ready (whether that be now or in the future), I just want you to know that I''m open to having this conversation.

It seems pretty clear he wants to move forward, but you''ll be giving him an out if he''s not ready to discuss it yet. And I do think it sucks that woman told you so much.

I don''t have a movie to suggest, but I would not start off with "We need to talk" I would just bring it up casually over dinner or something.