hmm sticky situation, army, deployment and divorce, HELP!

[tamick]

Soooo, My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 months, and he is in the process of a divorce, he got married extremely young and right before his first deployment to afgan. They were separated 2 months before him and I got together, she left and went back home in oct so the legal separation goes back to then which the 6 months for the separation will be up next month in april and the divorce process will begin, But he is deploying sometime between jun-aug for his 3 tour in afgan and many hints have been dropped like would it look bad if i proposed to you the day after the divorce was final, and ill get you a diamond, and little things like that. My best friend is dead set that he will get me a ring before he deploys, and truthfully I expect one before he leaves, i know he wants to marry me but I dont want to wait until he gets back for a ring.. Am I being selfish? Should he wait until the divorce is final to propose? advice would be great!

 

[LibbyLA]

Re: hmm sticky situation, army, deployment and divorce, HELP

You didn't say how old y'all are, but unless you are senior citizens, I think y'all ought to wait until he is back from deployment for several months before you even THINK about getting engaged!

If you want a ring, have him get you a promise ring or an inexpensive, simple vintage engagement ring and treat it as a promise ring, or some other kind of ring, but not an engagement ring.

He wasn't even legally separated when y'all met, and it was only two months after he and his wife split. Yikes! I'd be really wary of someone who goes from a marriage to another serious relationship so quickly. It takes time to heal and assess why the marriage didn't work out, and two months isn't enough time.

Deployments are tough. I think it would be better for y'all not to be engaged during this deployment. It will give you a chance to work on your relationship without the stress of an engagement commitment and how that might affect decisions you might need to make if things aren't working out.

I see red flags flying all over the place. What's the rush?

liz

 

[Amys Bling]

I think you guys should slow it down- seems like he jumped into getting engaged and married quick the first time and I'd hate for things to be rushed for you guys...

 

[amc80]

Re: hmm sticky situation, army, deployment and divorce, HELP

As someone who has been through a deployment (my ex-bf was in the Marines), let me tell you they are tough. There's a huge amount of trust that has to be in the relationship for it to survive (in my case) 7 months apart. We had been together about 9 months when he deployed. He was the jealous type, so in order for him to be comfortable with everything, I basically gave up any social life the whole time I was gone. I didn't go out to a bar one time. Oh wait, I did, once, with a good friend of mine...and he completely freaked out. I think when they are over there they hear all of the stories about girlfriends and wives cheating the whole time, so they naturally assume the worse.

My point- don't get engaged before he goes. Use this as a time to really test the foundation of your relationship. If you're engaged, you'll be so busy planning the wedding and day dreaming about your marital life that you won't be working on the basics. You'll be caught up in a romantic fairytale and not concentrating on the things that really make a relationship successful.

 

[Amys Bling]

Couldn't agree more with AMC last paragraph...

 

[slg47]

Re: hmm sticky situation, army, deployment and divorce, HELP

wait for him to get back to get engaged. there is still time!

 

[decodelighted]

Re: hmm sticky situation, army, deployment and divorce, HELP

Help me understand the reasoning .... is this "engagement" to ensure that you're both faithful while apart? Or w/the intent of protecting you & providing for you in case something (god forbid) happens to him? (Because i don't think it would -- until the divorce is final, his *wife* would most likely receive any benefits due.)

You've only known him six months. Are you even sure the relationship can survive the deployment? Do YOU have what it takes to be a military spouse? Does HE? (His first wife didn't think so ....) I guess I can't imagine that he's "grown up" a hell of a lot in the two months between her leaving him & him meeting you.


ETA: Commitments made out of ignorance, FEAR, and blind HOPE don't mean NEARLY as much as commitments made after standing the test of time & surviving many trials together.

 

[Enerchi]

Re: hmm sticky situation, army, deployment and divorce, HELP

As someone who has been through a deployment (my ex-bf was in the Marines), let me tell you they are tough. There's a huge amount of trust that has to be in the relationship for it to survive (in my case) 7 months apart. We had been together about 9 months when he deployed. He was the jealous type, so in order for him to be comfortable with everything, I basically gave up any social life the whole time I was gone. I didn't go out to a bar one time. Oh wait, I did, once, with a good friend of mine...and he completely freaked out. I think when they are over there they hear all of the stories about girlfriends and wives cheating the whole time, so they naturally assume the worse.

My point- don't get engaged before he goes. Use this as a time to really test the foundation of your relationship. If you're engaged, you'll be so busy planning the wedding and day dreaming about your marital life that you won't be working on the basics. You'll be caught up in a romantic fairytale and not concentrating on the things that really make a relationship successful.

Well said. Dont get engaged in a panic. Relationships are built on trust and faith and if you don't have that--- you don't have it. All the PP's have made the same point - wait. Rebound relationships are intense at the start, throw in a deployment and the emotions are on red alert. Trust in each other and build on that. Learn about yourself while he's gone.

I agree w the promise ring - I love the antique idea. A full blown engagement ring will look so 'wrong' to the outside world - including his family, no matter what the divorce circumstances are. Start this new relationship on fair and equal ground. let him come home to you.

I hope his time away is uneventful and very safe. Stay strong.

 

[tamick]

Re: hmm sticky situation, army, deployment and divorce, HELP

Thanks for all of your replies, I appreciate the advice, sometimes its better to hear it from a stranger rather than a friend who is trying her damnedest to marry you off. As had been mentioned I did not list our ages, hes 23 im 22. And also he left her, emotionally they have been separated for a lot longer, She was very controlling, would threaten and come at him with knives when they argued which was constantly, and would get mad when he so much as watched tv because he was watching tv and not giving her his full attention, went behind his back during deployments and did things with out telling him which he would have not agreed with other wise and was insanely jealous of his car of all things. Personally, I think they got married bc you get more money in the army when your married and because he was leaving.

And as for decodelighted, there is no question of not being faithful for either one of us, I could never cheat on someone because I know what its like to be cheated on and he is the same way. And as for protecting and providing for me if something were to happen to him, that is not the case, I was raised to NEVER depend on a man for anything so that is the LEAST of my worries if something were to happen to him. I know I can survive the deployment and would be fine as a military spouse. And after serving two tours fighting for our country, I dont see how he could grow up anymore esp with his occupation in the army and all the death and destruction hes seen. I appreciate your input, but I believe it could have been worded a bit differently.

 

[Amys Bling]

wait for him to get back to get engaged. there is still time!

Agreed. Forever is forever- no need to rush it

 

[amc80]

Re: hmm sticky situation, army, deployment and divorce, HELP

And after serving two tours fighting for our country, I dont see how he could grow up anymore esp with his occupation in the army and all the death and destruction hes seen. I appreciate your input, but I believe it could have been worded a bit differently.

Being in the military and having been deployed has absolutely no correlation between relationship maturity or maturity in general. I was with my ex for nearly 3 years (from when he was 22-25). He still wasn't mature when we broke up, and he had been deployed twice. His friends, who had been deployed even more than that, were some of the least mature people I knew. Sure, they thought they were mature...but I was three years older an there was a huge difference between those guys and people my age. They were also really immature when it came to their relationships...vindictive, petty behavior all around. Not because of the military or because they were bad guys...they were just young.

 

[LibbyLA]

Re: hmm sticky situation, army, deployment and divorce, HELP

Being in the military does not guarantee maturity, good judgment, or any other positive quality. (My SO's son has been in the Army for eight or nine years, is getting ready for his fourth or fifth deployment and he's been pretty mature and responsible all his life; my SO hired an Army veteran who has to be supervised constantly; a good friend of mine's son has been in the Army [Special Forces] for several years and he cheated on his second wife, still had two kids with her, and they're now divorcing. One of my nephews served in the Marines and he's been responsible and sensible all his life.)

I don't mean to rain on your parade, but military personnel are humans just like the rest of us. Don't get me wrong. I admire and appreciate their service. But I also realize that they have the same strengths and weaknesses that we regular mortals have.

liz

 

[amc80]

Re: hmm sticky situation, army, deployment and divorce, HELP

Here's a good story. A friend of mine was dating a Naval officer. They had been together over a year when he found he was being sent overseas (not for a deployment, but to be stationed somewhere else). He asked her if she would go with him. She said she would, as long as they were at least engaged. And that's fair, seeing how she'd be giving up her job, friends, family, etc. They continued to discuss it, he agreed with her, they started looking at rings and talking specifics. Then, one day, he stopped calling her. Stopped responding to texts. After several days she got worried and started calling hospitals. Eventually she checked his Myspace account and saw he had logged on that day. Turns out he got freaked out and was fully planning on just leaving the country without ever talking to her again. I remember being shocked because this was not just a military man, but an officer. He should be better than that. Then a friend of me reminded me that he's just a person, who is a douchebag, who happens to be a military officer. Being in the military doesn't guarantee any higher level of character.

 

[sonnyjane]

Re: hmm sticky situation, army, deployment and divorce, HELP

Wow! I have so much to say.

My husband is in the military and is currently in Afghanistan on his third tour. We have been married for 3.5 years and together for 6. It was crucial for us to "survive" our first deployment to make sure we could make a marriage work. I'll be honest, there were many times when I questioned if the lifestyle was for me and I was tempted to just run away, but I stayed, and we are happily married now, but it is something we must constantly work at, much more so than other marriages.

You are 22 and he is 23, going on his SECOND marriage. Why the rush? You have answered why you think you are "ready", but why won't you be just as ready after he returns? Wouldn't you rather be sure? 6 months is not long enough to test this military lifestyle. You say it's not because you're worried about infidelity, and that's good, because there is a hefty share of infidelity in the military even among those that are married or engaged. In fact, the military divorce rate is much, much higher than the national average. You say it's not because you need him financially. That's good, because the "extra pay" that you get for being married is quite minimal.

Are you prepared to go days, even weeks without hearing a single word from him? Are you aware of how gossipy the military community is? Your reputation entering the community will already be tainted if they know that you got engaged before he was even divorced, and that you started dating so soon after his separation. Are you prepared to drop your family, friends, and job at a moment's notice when the military decides that you must move every couple of years, often times to locations that you would never choose to live in if you had a million years. Are you prepared to be unemployed for many, many months when you do relocate? I was unemployed for 13 months when we moved from WA to CA and certainly not for lack of trying. I'm not sure what your boyfriend does, but I see my husband an average of 60 days a year. 60 days. There are 365 days in a year, so you do the math.

You asked if you're being selfish? I suppose I say absolutely, but I also think you just have no idea what you're taking on. I hope you'll take my advice. In the six years I've been with my husband, I can't even count how many divorces I've seen among his co-workers. There are at least three or four after every deployment. You're being very naive if you don't think you should wait.

 

[Sun-Shine]

Re: hmm sticky situation, army, deployment and divorce, HELP

Wow! I have so much to say.

My husband is in the military and is currently in Afghanistan on his third tour. We have been married for 3.5 years and together for 6. It was crucial for us to "survive" our first deployment to make sure we could make a marriage work. I'll be honest, there were many times when I questioned if the lifestyle was for me and I was tempted to just run away, but I stayed, and we are happily married now, but it is something we must constantly work at, much more so than other marriages.

You are 22 and he is 23, going on his SECOND marriage. Why the rush? You have answered why you think you are "ready", but why won't you be just as ready after he returns? Wouldn't you rather be sure? 6 months is not long enough to test this military lifestyle. You say it's not because you're worried about infidelity, and that's good, because there is a hefty share of infidelity in the military even among those that are married or engaged. In fact, the military divorce rate is much, much higher than the national average. You say it's not because you need him financially. That's good, because the "extra pay" that you get for being married is quite minimal.

Are you prepared to go days, even weeks without hearing a single word from him? Are you aware of how gossipy the military community is? Your reputation entering the community will already be tainted if they know that you got engaged before he was even divorced, and that you started dating so soon after his separation. Are you prepared to drop your family, friends, and job at a moment's notice when the military decides that you must move every couple of years, often times to locations that you would never choose to live in if you had a million years. Are you prepared to be unemployed for many, many months when you do relocate? I was unemployed for 13 months when we moved from WA to CA and certainly not for lack of trying. I'm not sure what your boyfriend does, but I see my husband an average of 60 days a year. 60 days. There are 365 days in a year, so you do the math.

You asked if you're being selfish? I suppose I say absolutely, but I also think you just have no idea what you're taking on. I hope you'll take my advice. In the six years I've been with my husband, I can't even count how many divorces I've seen among his co-workers. There are at least three or four after every deployment. You're being very naive if you don't think you should wait.

60 DAYS!!! Oh my gosh! I am not familiar with the military lifestyle, but I cannot even fathom that! I agree with others particularly after reading the insight given by sonnyjane and amc. I understand being young and in love and thinking you would never leave him or cheat but sweetie, you are 22. I could cite all kinds of sources that say statistically why this is a terrible idea. It sounds like you two are in the HIGHEST possible group across the board at risk of divorce. Previous marriage, Military, under 25, do you both have degees? Are both sets of parents married? Why is marriage so important to you? Let things develop organically, build your house on concrete, right now it sounds like you are glueing popsicle sticks together on quicksand. Just breathe, take it one day and step at a time and read the sage advice of others, even if you don't like the way it's worded.

 

[TooPatient]

Re: hmm sticky situation, army, deployment and divorce, HELP

I think it is important to wait until he comes back.

The other ladies have given great advice. I really hope you'll take the time to read it and reflect on what they are saying.

Another thing you need to consider is how HE will feel in 2-3 years. Will he feel trapped like he rushed into something and regrets it? He's already done this once. I don't want you to suffer through a difficult time (possibly even divorce) because he decides later it was all a mistake.
Give him (and you!) time to really know each other and experience what life together as a military family would be. Then, when he gets home, you can get engaged and truly be happy and comfortable knowing that he wasn't rushed.

 

[audball]

Re: hmm sticky situation, army, deployment and divorce, HELP

I don't have much else to add that hasn't already been said, but I do want to caution you in moving forward. It hasn't been that long and with the divorce and deployment it's just complicated further. Think carefully and consider waiting until he gets back to get engaged. It's a long hard road ahead, what's the rush?

 

[mandasand]

Re: hmm sticky situation, army, deployment and divorce, HELP

Some advice from a fellow military "bride-to-be:" In order for him to legally divorce, he MUST do it BEFORE he deploys in June. If he DOES NOT finalize his divorce, he will have to wait until he is back from deployment.

On another note, in the eyes of the military, what he is doing is adultery, which is a punishable offense. Even though he is "legally separated," until he is divorced, him being with you is a huge risk and he can be kicked out of the military.

Also, if you have an issue with faithfulness while is is deployed, it's illegal for men and women to engage in sexual relationships while deployed, unless they are deployed WITH their spouse. Don't get me wrong, people break the rules all the time...but, if caught, he could get an article 15. IN REALITY, there is a HUGE epidemic of military spouses being the unfaithful parties while the spouse is deployed.

Also, you MUST be very prepared to be OK with him being gone for 6 months out of the year. The days of 3 month deployments are over...he will be going for 6 months to a year the next time. You have to be super strong and independent. That's what helps me. I do wish you luck and hope that you are able to have some conversations with him about this stuff.

 

[decodelighted]

Re: hmm sticky situation, army, deployment and divorce, HELP

in the eyes of the military, what he is doing is adultery, which is a punishable offense. Even though he is "legally separated," until he is divorced, him being with you is a huge risk and he can be kicked out of the military.

Well now that IS a "sticky situation"!

 

[MissStepcut]

Re: hmm sticky situation, army, deployment and divorce, HELP

Thanks for all of your replies, I appreciate the advice, sometimes its better to hear it from a stranger rather than a friend who is trying her damnedest to marry you off. As had been mentioned I did not list our ages, hes 23 im 22. And also he left her, emotionally they have been separated for a lot longer, She was very controlling, would threaten and come at him with knives when they argued which was constantly, and would get mad when he so much as watched tv because he was watching tv and not giving her his full attention, went behind his back during deployments and did things with out telling him which he would have not agreed with other wise and was insanely jealous of his car of all things. Personally, I think they got married bc you get more money in the army when your married and because he was leaving.

And as for decodelighted, there is no question of not being faithful for either one of us, I could never cheat on someone because I know what its like to be cheated on and he is the same way. And as for protecting and providing for me if something were to happen to him, that is not the case, I was raised to NEVER depend on a man for anything so that is the LEAST of my worries if something were to happen to him. I know I can survive the deployment and would be fine as a military spouse. And after serving two tours fighting for our country, I dont see how he could grow up anymore esp with his occupation in the army and all the death and destruction hes seen. I appreciate your input, but I believe it could have been worded a bit differently.

First, I sincerely appreciate his service.

Second, let me tell you, I know a lot of vets at my law school, and I don't think a single one of them would agree with your conclusion that a person who has gone on two tours has grown all they can. Far from it. While there's a lot of growth during service, don't think for one minute that there's not a ton more growth and, more importantly, CHANGE, after you get out. Especially at your young ages. You're going to grow and change in so many ways you don't even know yet.

 

[distracts]

Re: hmm sticky situation, army, deployment and divorce, HELP

Soooo, My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 months, and he is in the process of a divorce, he got married extremely young and right before his first deployment to afgan. They were separated 2 months before him and I got together, she left and went back home in oct so the legal separation goes back to then which the 6 months for the separation will be up next month in april and the divorce process will begin, But he is deploying sometime between jun-aug for his 3 tour in afgan and many hints have been dropped like would it look bad if i proposed to you the day after the divorce was final, and ill get you a diamond, and little things like that. My best friend is dead set that he will get me a ring before he deploys, and truthfully I expect one before he leaves, i know he wants to marry me but I dont want to wait until he gets back for a ring.. Am I being selfish? Should he wait until the divorce is final to propose? advice would be great!

This isn't a sticky situation. It sounds like he's pretty much told you that while marriage is an option for the future, getting engaged before he deploys is not an option. If that is the case, then leave it alone. I mean, I think you should leave it alone regardless, for all the reasons that have been articulated so well above, but especially ESPECIALLY if he is not keen on jumping headfirst into a second engagement (which I would not blame him for at all, given the way the first one turned out - he probably wants to make extra-sure your relationship will go better).

Plus, yes, it is a major etiquette faux-pas to get engaged before someone's divorce is final. Even if they have been emotionally separated for a while, it takes a long time to fully process the divorce mentally and emotionally, and there are all sorts of social consequences as well. I'd say you shouldn't even consider it until his divorce has been final for at least several months.

 

[clar3540]

Re: hmm sticky situation, army, deployment and divorce, HELP

I definitely agree with these ladies that you should wait. You guys are still so young and for him to be married, divorced and engaged again by age 23 seems really quick. You guys have been together a short time so maybe waiting until he is back and seeing how things go together would be better for you to know whether its forever. Good Luck with everything!

 

[canuk-gal]

Re: hmm sticky situation, army, deployment and divorce, HELP

HI:

Is this one of those posts....new user....sentences start with.....add bad grammar.........include major drama for effect....responses end up quoted in some article elsewhere...etc, etc............

 

[sonnyjane]

Re: hmm sticky situation, army, deployment and divorce, HELP

HI:

Is this one of those posts....new user....sentences start with.....add bad grammar.........include major drama for effect....responses end up quoted in some article elsewhere...etc, etc............

Yes, I do fear something is "amiss". I hate falling for these types of posts

 

[allycat0303]

Re: hmm sticky situation, army, deployment and divorce, HELP

If the divorce is not final, what's the point of an engagement either than having a nice ring?

It doesn't really signify a comittement, because he is still embroiled in a much more significant vow with someone else.

 

[Kitten35]

Re: hmm sticky situation, army, deployment and divorce, HELP

Wow! I have so much to say.

My husband is in the military and is currently in Afghanistan on his third tour. We have been married for 3.5 years and together for 6. It was crucial for us to "survive" our first deployment to make sure we could make a marriage work. I'll be honest, there were many times when I questioned if the lifestyle was for me and I was tempted to just run away, but I stayed, and we are happily married now, but it is something we must constantly work at, much more so than other marriages.

You are 22 and he is 23, going on his SECOND marriage. Why the rush? You have answered why you think you are "ready", but why won't you be just as ready after he returns? Wouldn't you rather be sure? 6 months is not long enough to test this military lifestyle. You say it's not because you're worried about infidelity, and that's good, because there is a hefty share of infidelity in the military even among those that are married or engaged. In fact, the military divorce rate is much, much higher than the national average. You say it's not because you need him financially. That's good, because the "extra pay" that you get for being married is quite minimal.

Are you prepared to go days, even weeks without hearing a single word from him? Are you aware of how gossipy the military community is? Your reputation entering the community will already be tainted if they know that you got engaged before he was even divorced, and that you started dating so soon after his separation. Are you prepared to drop your family, friends, and job at a moment's notice when the military decides that you must move every couple of years, often times to locations that you would never choose to live in if you had a million years. Are you prepared to be unemployed for many, many months when you do relocate? I was unemployed for 13 months when we moved from WA to CA and certainly not for lack of trying. I'm not sure what your boyfriend does, but I see my husband an average of 60 days a year. 60 days. There are 365 days in a year, so you do the math.

You asked if you're being selfish? I suppose I say absolutely, but I also think you just have no idea what you're taking on. I hope you'll take my advice. In the six years I've been with my husband, I can't even count how many divorces I've seen among his co-workers. There are at least three or four after every deployment. You're being very naive if you don't think you should wait.

Coming from another military spouse, +1.

+2.

+3.

 

[audball]

Re: hmm sticky situation, army, deployment and divorce, HELP

Hi tamick! You've been give lots of great advice! I hope you come back and update us on where things are now