Hold this MOB back from being a strangler....

[miraclesrule]

Okay, I really, really, love my daughter, but I swear she is on another planet right now.
I declined to go cake tasting with her, because "A moment on the lips, forever on the hips" came to mind and it was my regular gym time, that I have missed due to being out of town on business.

But then I call and ask if they had fun and picked out the cake. Oh yeah, and they all loved the same three unanimously. Who is "they all?" Bride, Groom, FMIL/MOG, her husband. Oh great, what flavor?

Oh not one Mom...3 flavors!!...chocolate peanut butter....lemon poppy seed...and some cinnamon thing!! One for each layer!!

Is it too early to drink right now??????

My first thought was peanut allergies...my second thought was poppy seeds stuck in the teeth for everyone''s pictures, and my third was... How do I react without choking her?

Oy vey....

 

[neatfreak]

Can I ask something here? Why do you want to choke her? It is her wedding...she chose the cake flavors she liked, and you didn''t want to go because you had to go to the gym. Which is fine of course, but if you are so concerned with the cake, why didn''t you go and voice your opinion?

I don''t mean this rudely, but you need to back off and let her make her own decisions for HER wedding. And if you do want to have an opinion, you have to make the time to go to the appointments with her that she invites you to. Otherwise you lose your say. JMHO.

 

[WTNLVR]

I hope they only serve one piece of a layer per plate

. Few people eat the cake anyway, so I wouldn''t be too concerned about it. I do agree with the above. I''d have been really upset if my mother didn''t go to the cake testing because of a dieting issue. You only have to have a very small bite of a cake to taste it. You kinda forfeit any decisions here since you didn''t go to the tasting IMHO.

 

[miraclesrule]

Don''t worry, I don''t take anything rudely, I love directness.

I didn''t go, because I have had to go to fifteen venues, four dress hunts, bridesmaids dress saga''s, and toda will be the third florist and then a 45 minute drive to get some Chargers. I thought the cake would be a "piece of cake".

I realize and appreciate your thoughts that it is "HER" wedding, but it isn''t really. They are not an island. I guess it just hits me in the gut to know that she is not only soooooooo different from me, but that she has become so different from herself. Shes a pleaser. She will go with whoever is there to guide her and then changes her mind a gazillion times.

So, thank you for hitting me between the eyes. This really isn''t about cake at all. It''s about losing her to forces I just don''t understand.

 

[miraclesrule]

ETA: Besides, I thought it would be nice for the MOG to be involved at some level and she really wanted to go to the cake testing. It wasn''t just a "diet issue", it was 9 a.m. on A Saturday after a long business trip and I was jetlagged. Had I known this would have been the outcome, oh you can be sure, I would have joined them.

But, I''m like a flash fire....I''m already over it. I have to Mom-up and go get her to get to the florist.

Thanks for the feedback

 

[risingsun]

I think you sent the wrong message to your daughter by refusing to attend the cake tasting. Your diet and gym time should not have been more important than being there for her. Since you prefer people to be direct, there it is. Maybe you can speak to her now about substituting some more "neutral" choices. We had more than one flavor in our cake and the guests really enjoyed it!

 

[ladyciel]

Four people managed to unanimously agree on 3 flavors, enough so that they didn't want to choose just choose one? Sounds to me like they must all be really good! I understand your concerns, but I think there are positives to consider, too. For one, guests now have an option of what flavor they would like!

Most people with a food allergy, if it is severe enough for one layer of a cake to affect their ability to eat a neighboring layer, aren't going to eat ANY cake unless they know from a trustworthy source that it is allergen free. Obviously this baker has peanuts in their shop, which means ANY of their cakes could be laced with peanut. Having a layer on the cake to make that clear might actually SAVE a peanut-allergic guest who could otherwise eat the cake unknowingly. (Trust me on this - my immediate family is plagued by severe food allergies. Accidents happen when something appears safe, not when it's an obvious danger.)

As for the poppy seeds, are they any worse than guests drinking red wine and staining their lips/teeth purple? Ask your daughter if she noticed the seeds sticking in her teeth - unless they're used in huge numbers in the cake, I really doubt it's even an issue.

And, finally, have you ever tasted cinnamon spice cake?? DELICIOUS!!

 

[museikchik]

I just ate breakfast and those three flavors do not sound like they go together at all. What would they do about peanut allergies? Most places just put the cake in front of you and you have no idea what you are eating. If they really liked those flavors I think it would be best to pick the one they like the best and have it for the bride''s cake and pick the second best and have it for the groom''s cake. That is just my personal opinion. I don''t think there is anything wrong with being concerned about the cake flavors regardless of whether or not you went to the cake testing. If you feel this way who is to say that many of the other guests will not feel this way. I would much rather hear it from my mom then from all the guests at my wedding (once again just my own personal opinion). Don''t stress, there are other things to look forward to...

 

[laine]

I'm not really seeing a problem with this either. Its pretty common to get several flavors, that way people have a few types to choose from. They don't have to go together, each plate only gets one flavor. As for peanut allergies and poppy seeds in teeth, you should trust your guests to be smart enough to consider these issues for themselves. Anyone with a severe peanut allergy is not going to blindly eat anything placed near them--they'll check first. They eat every day, they'll be ok.

And you're right, the wedding is about family, not just the bride, but the little things, the ones that really don't matter, like the cake--let them go. If these little things are going to bother you, well, you're probably going to have to continue to go to every little appointment, but if you don't want to deal with the whole saga, you can't complain about the outcome.

 

[sumbride]

My wedding cake was orange cream, lemon mousse, lemon, and raspberry... each tier was a different flavor, and I suspect tier is what she means when she says layer. My grooms cake was chocolate-peanut butter. And if anybody had said anything to us about it while we were planning, I would have been annoyed and dismissive... so I say "butt out". It IS her wedding, and if it matters that much to you, you should have been there. You''re saying she''s a pleaser? That she''s not herself anymore? Who is she pleasing here? Is the problem that she''s not pleasing you?

Also, poppy seed cake was served at my brother''s wedding. It was great. I don''t remember that being a problem in pictures, especially because most of the pictures are taken before the cake.

I think you need to let this go. PLEASE.

 

[rainbowtrout]

I feel like Sumbride hit it...is the problem that she's "a pleaser" or that she's not pleasing YOU?

So she liked the cake in some crazy flavors. If you wanted control over the choice, you could have a) dictated that beforehand b) gone with or c) refused to pay for her wedding and then not had to feel like it was your problem.

My Mom and I are really different--she would have had a totally beige and white, very formal wedding. I'm all about color and am having a chocolate cake. It might not be to her taste but she's totally supportive, even if she rolls her eyes a little once in awhile. Why is being different from your daughter a problem?

 

[Sabine]

I agree that the flavors don''t go together, but think each flavor would be delicious on its own. If she is set on having all 3, you could suggest having a cake table with all the slices placed out for people to go up and choose instead of having servers pass out the cake. That''s what we''re doing because I didn''t want people to just have a piece plopped down in front of them, and if they try to choose off the tray it causes chaos. I also have to agree that since you declined to go to the tasting, you don''t have much pull in changing the flavors, just helping her make her choices run more smoothly.

 

[swingirl]

Who picked out the flavor of your wedding cake?

 

[surfgirl]

Well, none of those flavors are at all appealing to me either but that''s what happens when you dont go with her! Anyway, it''s not that big a deal. I hear you on the allergy and poppyseed thing but if they dont care then why should you? Let it go...You''re more bugged I think, that your daughter is being influenced by her inlaws rather than her mom, right? Therein lies the issue. Why not talk to your daughter about that aspect, not cake? I imagine it wont be the first and only time she takes her cues from her inlaws now...It might be a good opportunity for you two to bond in a new way?

 

[Gypsy]

I have to agree that you leave opt out of participating you can''t really be upset that they don''t make the same decisions you would have.

It is hard to chose menus for a crowd. I just had to pick our rehearsal dinner menu, and despite my best intentions, and posting on here... I messed up and had to go back and re-work the thing.

I love almond cake. Didn''t choose it because of nut allergies, and because our cake will pretty much be our only dessert I wanted to accomodate certain things. But when push came to shove, I picked something that''s unique and reflects my own tastes. We picked a citrus cake with ginger and white chocolate(lemon, lime and orange zest in the cake with ginger and orange cream cheese and white chocolate buttercream). It was divine. But... not what my mother would have chosen. And I''m sure a lot of guest are going to be ambivelent about it.

I would make an annoucement about nut allergies though, and maybe have something like fruit salad offered through your venue for the few people with the allergies.

 

[Maria D]

miraclesrule, I found your post funny. Maybe your first thought really *was* to choke dear daughter, but somehow I just read it as funny hyperbole. Anyway, I completely disagree with everyone that says a (good?) mother has to be there for the cake tasting. Nothing gets in the way of my Sat. morning step aerobics class so I can totally sympathize. My daughter is only 14 and she knows I'm not available Sat. mornings for anything -- end of story. You want mama to taste the cake? Schedule it for Sat. afternoon! But yes, I do agree that if you're not going to go to the cake tasting you have no cake say.

As for the cake itself, I am probably the last person alive that LOVES white wedding cake with white frosting. I used to look forward to traditional wedding cake. But now they have become all fancy -- and not always an improvement. Maybe this is why few people eat the cake?

 

[blondie23]

I have got to agree with others that this is NOT a big deal. Her flavors may be unusual, there may be people with allergies (heck I''m allergic to poultry and I''m serving a dual plate of Filet and Chicken and I''m the bride), and heaven forbid there may be poppy seeds in people''s teeth (which I think is unlikely to happen...what is more like to happen is people spilling wine or food on their clothes)...BUT I agree that it is HER wedding. I have met so many brides that, when asked, said that their wedding was their "mother''s wedding" and not their own...their mom had picked almost every aspect of the wedding and if the bride wanted something different, the mom would then NICELY force her to see things another way. I believe that money does not come with strings or threats and if she wanted this cake, then I think you should let her have that cake. Yes, a wedding is also about family, but a wedding is also supposed to have people there that love and support you and if people are going to get angry because of her cake flavors then maybe they shouldn''t be there in the first place.

Seriously, it''s a cake...LET IT GO.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Well none of the flavors sound good to me, but I am a traditional buttercream kind of gal. It''s her wedding, but I think you should at least think of your guests a bit, but hey if they''ll like it then go for it I guess. I just would never put those three together personally, woo.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 4/13/2008 1:55:32 PM
Author: miraclesrule
I guess it just hits me in the gut to know that she is not only soooooooo different from me, but that she has become so different from herself. Shes a pleaser. She will go with whoever is there to guide her and then changes her mind a gazillion times.

So, thank you for hitting me between the eyes. This really isn''t about cake at all. It''s about losing her to forces I just don''t understand.

My mom went through this BTW. What I had to point out to her is that John is in my life. And to make our relationship work he and I both compromise. So it is rare that things that affect both of us, like wedding plans, will reflect MY taste completely. OR his taste completely. That doesn''t mean I''m selling out or being absorbed or losing sight of myself. It means I''m being a considerate partner. Putting on my big-girl pants.

As for the MOG having an influence, as you pointed weddings are about family. The MOG is family now. It''s a cake, when all is said and done. It''s okay if it reflects other people''s tastes. Marriage is all about melding families, tastes, and compromises.

If she''s different from herself, that''s because she''s part of a unit now. She''s still HERSELF, she''s just growing and changing.

 

[blondie23]

Yeah but does it matter if the flavors don''t go together? They''re going to be on different tiers and people will only be getting a slice of each..this way people can choose what they want.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 4/13/2008 3:37:52 PM
Author: blondie23
Yeah but does it matter if the flavors don''t go together? They''re going to be on different tiers and people will only be getting a slice of each..this way people can choose what they want.

I guess not.

Sorry I am a VERY picky eater.

 

[bee*]

I''m another one who doesn''t see a problem with what she did. D and I have picked out three different flavours for our cake, a different one for each layer. My mother did come to the tasting but she told me that she was happy with whichever ones D and I wanted. I agree with Gypsy in that she probably isn''t losing herself, just becoming a couple and having to make compromises.

 

[zoebartlett]

I agree with everyone else. If the flavors of the cake was something you really wanted a say in, then you''d have been there at the tasting. I can see being cautious about nuts and people with allergies but chances are, guests wouldn''t eat the cake if it could be an issue for them. Poppyseeds -- not a big deal -- let it go. The flavors of each layer sound great alone but I don''t think I''d choose to put them together (but that''s just me). Having said that, I don''t think it''s a big deal that they are, and if I were you, I''d let that go too.

 

[CJ2008]

miracles, I took your post as more funny than anything, like Maria D...I didn''t think you were going to do or say anything about it to your daughter. Or were you?

I don''t think it was bad that you chose to go to the gym and not to the cake tasting. It sounds like you''ve been there for everything else. I think it''s OK to say no if you have something else you need to/rather do. But, as others have said, you did miss out on being able to voice your opinion. So I don''t think it would be fair to now say anything about the cake other than "sounds good!" Like I said, I don''t think you were intending on it anyway.

 

[miraclesrule]

Back from the third floral appt in 95 degree heat and her home/office had no a/c turned on.

Wow, this thread worked up a sweat too!!

Some of you already know from my earlier posts that I try to make everything humorous. Except my MOB dress..that part is really freaking me out.

The fact that I have to deal with people suing my company everyday over peanut allergies makes me cringe.

But it''s also job security. So this post was half funny venting, and half seriously considering how my daughter/FI/MOG don''t consider the consequences of decisions most of the time. It''s one of the reasons that the MOG still has doubts that they are ready to be married. But really, what is "ready"? Is someone ever "ready" to have kids?

I am not jealous of MOG. Those posts were actually cracking me up. I''m soooooo glad to not have to bear the burden of being a single parent and full time caretaker of a parent. After this wedding, I am hoping to fly to some third world country and get away from the madness...

Sabine: You''re right, I think they should do that, because I usually never find out that someone had another type of cake until I walked over to another table across the dance floor. But I don''t think they give you that option at this venue.

Gypsy: I think your cake sounds divine. Thank you for understanding the "risk management" aspect of my mind.

But for now, I''ll just suggest she toss dental floss into the favors.

Oh, on a side note, I just watched a video of a wedding where the bride apparently didn''t realize that she was so obviously trying to suck out a huge piece of steak stuck in her teeth for at least 25 minutes. She probably didn''t realize it would be so obvious on the video. So Note to Brides...DENTAL FLOSS. Carry it close. Or make sure MOM does.

 

[luckystar112]

This reminds me of my mom so bad. lol. Except I think miracles was more joking than actually pi$$ed off (right? lol)

Originally we were only supposed to pick one entree for the reception (destination wedding).
My mother tells me to order everyone chicken. That''s what she likes.
Problem was, FI and I wanted to pick the fish. "I don''t like fish!" was her response. I''m like, "that''s great, mom...but we do."
(Side note: my mom is the most picky eater EVER. FFIL bought some really expensive steaks to cook all of us the first day that our parents met, and he had to make my mom her own chicken breast because she doesn''t like red meat.)

So mom throws a fit...throwing excuses out there like she doesn''t know ANYONE who likes fish except for me, to keep in mind that fish in the caribbean is different from fish where we are from (huh?), and that I''m being selfish and not thinking about what the guests like (i.e. her).

It caused such an uproar that I had to beg our wedding planner to let us choose two entrees. She agreed. I picked chicken and fish. The best part? EVERYONE HAS CHOSEN FISH EXCEPT MY MOTHER.

 

[miraclesrule]

rofl LuckyStar... Too funny!!

When I went with my daughter to all of our appts today I was asking her about the cake and she said she really wanted pineapple. I know that my daughter''s very favorite cake in the whole world is pineapple upside down cake. Which, of course, they can''t serve at a wedding, but thought this vendor would have at least a pineapple flavored option.

She said she was bummed because they only had one that had a pineapple flavored filling but the cake part tasted gross. I told her that the best cake I ever had at a wedding was a grooms cake that was shaped as a pineapple with fresh pineapple in it and that I would have the same person make a grooms cake for her with that same flavor and she was like "Oh that would be awesome Mom"...but then we both realized that the venue wouldn''t allow it and we both like "Bummer".

 

[diamondfan]

I would not be super upset since you did not go with her, but might tell her that that is A LOT of flavor going on and between allergies and the fact that those three things do not seem to go together all at once, she might want to tone down the flavors. Personally each one alone is fine but all together sounds a bit gross.

 

[Haven]

I have no idea what the problem is with their cake choices, which is making me a bit nervous because I have to choose a cake myself soon . . .

ANYWAY, it sounds like you''ve put in some serious time helping your daughter plan her wedding, and I just wanted to remind you to cherish this time together. As frustrating as all of this work can become, I''m sure you''re creating memories that will mean something to the both of you in the future.

 

[Love in Bloom]

Date: 4/13/2008 2:07:58 PM
Author: risingsun
I think you sent the wrong message to your daughter by refusing to attend the cake tasting. Your diet and gym time should not have been more important than being there for her. Since you prefer people to be direct, there it is. Maybe you can speak to her now about substituting some more ''neutral'' choices. We had more than one flavor in our cake and the guests really enjoyed it!

ITA with risingsun. My mom declined to go with me to pick out my flowers and it hurt me deeply. It was even worse when she was upset because she was not included in the decisions that were made, much like yourself. It breaks my heart to think your daughter might feel other things were more important to you than being there for her.