Holiday Irritation - advice?

[violet3]

the holidays just irritate me - I am sure this won't resonate well with most of you. My sister is a HUGE holiday fan, and can't ever figure out how we are related.

I love my family, but the traveling is exceptionally hard -- I work three jobs, because I am overly invested financially, as many people are in this country. Every time other people are off for work, I'm working. I work Thanksgiving, New Years, weekends, you name it. The week in between Christmas and New Years, I work every day and every night.

These are unfortunately, the exact times that people want to get together. I get crap from my family for not being available, and i feel guilty. Now that I am married, add an extra family to the mix and I feel stretched and torn and at my wits end. Any advice on how to get a more positive outlook on this? advice would be appreciated.

 

[davi_el_mejor]

If you weren't working, would someone else have to be there? Think of it as a gift to them and their family.

Are long distant relatives making special trips out to see your family? If they are I can see why you'd be getting some push back from them, but if it's local family, tell them you're doing your best to provide for your family and that they can plan a big get together during a time where opportunities to make money are less available.

As long as you're doing what you feel is best for your family, then your family should understand.

 

[kenny]

Just say no.
You are a grown up now with your own family.
Establish and follow whatever family traditions work for you and your immediate family.

What relatives think of you is their problem.

 

[violet3]

thank you davi - i'll take particularly your first statement to heart. I'll try to think of it as a gift to my friends who will be with their families on those holidays (i don't have kids, so I am glad that those do have time on the holidays with them).

Kenny - i just laughed out loud at this "just say no" statement. My immediate family is me and DH i suppose. but i gotta be honest, if i skipped xmas with my mom (or DH and alternated holidays) my mom might not talk to me until next year.

 

[kenny]

. . . if i skipped xmas with my mom (or DH and alternated holidays) my mom might not talk to me until next year.

Sounds like a Win Win!

Seriously, sometimes you have to put your foot down with family.
Many families treat members worse than strangers.
Family members often do not respect boundaries and behave as if individuals have no right to set boundaries.
"I'm your sister, therefore I don't have to knock when I come over. Or, I don't have to ask if I can stay at your house."

You can live under their thumb all your life - or not.
Your choice.
You have the power.

 

[violet3]

. . . if i skipped xmas with my mom (or DH and alternated holidays) my mom might not talk to me until next year.

Sounds like a Win Win!

Seriously, sometimes you have to put your foot down with family.
Many families treat members worse than strangers.
Family members often do not respect boundaries and behave as if individuals have no right to set boundaries.
"I'm your sister, therefore I don't have to knock when I come over. Or, I don't have to ask if I can stay at your house."

You can live under their thumb all your life - or not.
Your choice.
You have the power.

thank you for making me smile on a particularly rotten day

 

[D&T]

awww Violet. Don't feel guilty. You gotta do what you gotta do for your family livelihood! DH used to manage in food business, and he NEVER had holidays off, we used to feel guilty about family gatherings. We also lived a state away, so we had an excuse not to see the family anyways. They all backed off, once we said that OUR immediate family comes first and if we got no bacon then no one gets to see us, unless of course they want to travel down for a visit. We can only see them when the time is right for us. It was hard for them to get used to the first couple of years, now its just a given and on our own terms. We used to bend over backwards to please everyone when we did come into town, mind you we drove for 12 hours straight and we still had to drive to different family memeber's house after we got to our destination

 

[VRBeauty]

That's for those family members who are trying to lay a guilt trip on you!

I'm sorry you're having to work so hard right now. I hope you find some time to relax and enjoy some down time with your (immediate) family.

 

[violet3]

thanks D&T - my second job is in a restaurant, so yeah - i'm glad you can understand my predicament. My sister doesn't work and has a baby, so she's free to spend as much time as she wants at any given venue. I always make it to the functions, it's just a matter of how long i can stay --- I'll drive hours to xmas and then my sister/mom gets cranky with me when i want to leave by 8:30 p.m. to drive the couple hours home, because I work at 9 a.m. for brunch. Today i visited my paternal grandmother for an afternoon lunch, and apparently two hours wasn't enough time, because people seem irritated that i had to leave to go to work. I don't get it. And my sister gets snappy with me in general because i don't have the "holiday spirit" like she does.

thanks VR Beauty - i'm hopeful that someday it will all calm down and DH and i can get some relaxation out of it, but for now....it's not relaxing at all. maybe we should have kids - that seems to buy people a lot of leeway in families!!!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Sorry you feel guilty. Actually, for your family to not work around your schedule is kind of selfish (IMO). Yes, there are the traditional times/days that many tend to celebrate, but families should look for alternatives when everyone can't make it. FWIW, my grandma and grandpa got divorced and my mom's family lives in Canada (we're in the US), so we had FIVE different Christmas get togethers to accomodate them and my aunts/uncles! lol Gotta do what works best for the particular family situation!

 

[Haven]

Violet--It sounds like you are doing A LOT to be able to spend time with your family during the holidays! I'm exhausted just reading about all of your jobs and your driving back and forth and waking up early.

I guess my advice is to tell yourself that you are doing the best you can, and if it isn't good enough for your family they are only thinking of themselves and not of you, and that is just not your problem. I'm surprised you're not upset with them, actually, for putting this pressure on you while you're doing your best to hold down so many jobs.

If you were my family, I would do whatever I could to make your holiday easier, knowing that you have so much going on. When I found out that one of my students had to work on Thanksgiving day I brought a plated feast to him AT WORK! I felt so bad for him knowing he would be working that whole day, I just had to do something.

I like Kenny's advice--just say no. Your family is being very selfish, IMO, and everyone needs to cut you some slack, including YOU! Cut yourself some slack, lady, you are doing the best you can!

 

[Imdanny]

And if you weren't working and they thought you should be working or working more? Yikes! Don't let them let you feel guilty.

 

[movie zombie]

wouldn't speak to you until next year?! heck, that's only a week or so off........i'd risk it.

parents do not have the right to "guilt" their children i this way. they do it because they get away with it. i'm with kenny.

it sounds like you are very responsible and trying very hard to keep your financial commitments. unless your family is willing to pay those for you and not complain about it, well, as i see it you have no choice but to tell them its their responsibility to understand the situation you are in, realize you are a married adult, and that it is their choice if they're going to feel hurt if you're not there.

MoZo

 

[Dancing Fire]

the holidays just irritate me - I am sure this won't resonate well with most of you. My sister is a HUGE holiday fan, and can't ever figure out how we are related.

I love my family, but the traveling is exceptionally hard -- I work three jobs, because I am overly invested financially, as many people are in this country. Every time other people are off for work, I'm working. I work Thanksgiving, New Years, weekends, you name it. The week in between Christmas and New Years, I work every day and every night.

These are unfortunately, the exact times that people want to get together. I get crap from my family for not being available, and i feel guilty. Now that I am married, add an extra family to the mix and I feel stretched and torn and at my wits end. Any advice on how to get a more positive outlook on this? advice would be appreciated.

so that's the reason why i couldn't find a job...

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think it's time for you to pop off and tell them like it is.

Just kidding, of course. But I'm serious about telling them how hard you work and how spread thin you are. No one can argue with fact. They may not like how it is, but it is how it is.

And, frankly, you're entitled to a guilt free holiday. If they are going to gripe about what you can manage, then it's time for you to say "okay, this obviously isn't working...we'll get together after holidays when things have calmed down". Plain, simple and concise.

 

[kenny]

Just do what you want.
Include them as much or as little as you want.

You do not owe anyone any explanation unless you are under 18.

 

[violet3]

Sorry you feel guilty. Actually, for your family to not work around your schedule is kind of selfish (IMO). Yes, there are the traditional times/days that many tend to celebrate, but families should look for alternatives when everyone can't make it. FWIW, my grandma and grandpa got divorced and my mom's family lives in Canada (we're in the US), so we had FIVE different Christmas get togethers to accomodate them and my aunts/uncles! lol Gotta do what works best for the particular family situation!

Thank you MC - they do, for the most part, try to work around me/us. But it's still a matter of "between these days to a week that WE (meaning they) have off, when can we get together?" It's really hard. When we were going to arrange a time to see my grandmother, i told my sister there was just no way that DH and i could get together at night to do it. It's a miracle we have christmas eve AND day off, and i'm right back to work sunday at 9 a.m. I told her an afternoon would be better, because we'd both have to work after. But still, it just never seems like it's enough. And this year, i waited until the 22nd to get irritated -- usually it starts around the beginning of the month with my sister's emails saying...."when can we all get together to do THIS?" "When can we all get together to do THAT?" i don't get my schedule until a week or two before it happens, and while i can request off, i never know when I will REALLY be able to committ. last year i got a really unkind email from my sister's husband saying "i really don't care if you know your schedule or not. you should be able to committ to a date."

FWIW, my sister is my BEST friend and we talk every day. it probably sounds like i'm bitching about her, but i'm not. she's just a much better holiday person than i am -- she's always had the holidays to herself, and i've always worked my butt off during the time leading up to the holidays and New Years (with the exception of one year).

thank you for your support...as i've just gotten home from work, i am feeling much better in reading the helpful responses. happy holidays to you!

 

[violet3]

Violet--It sounds like you are doing A LOT to be able to spend time with your family during the holidays! I'm exhausted just reading about all of your jobs and your driving back and forth and waking up early.

I guess my advice is to tell yourself that you are doing the best you can, and if it isn't good enough for your family they are only thinking of themselves and not of you, and that is just not your problem. I'm surprised you're not upset with them, actually, for putting this pressure on you while you're doing your best to hold down so many jobs.

If you were my family, I would do whatever I could to make your holiday easier, knowing that you have so much going on. When I found out that one of my students had to work on Thanksgiving day I brought a plated feast to him AT WORK! I felt so bad for him knowing he would be working that whole day, I just had to do something. I like Kenny's advice--just say no. Your family is being very selfish, IMO, and everyone needs to cut you some slack, including YOU! Cut yourself some slack, lady, you are doing the best you can!

this brought tears to my eyes haven - what a lovely thing to do for your student! Was this a college student or high school? I've worked thanksgiving for three years (in a restaurant). it's a good day to work - people are happy and having fun, and you're helping them celebrate, which is pretty great. The only drawback is that you aren't celebrating yourself, but we've made a cool little work family together.

At two of my jobs, I can work from home primarily, which is great. The third is a night job, which ISN'T flexible, and unfortunately at this time of year is as busy as it ever is. It's just a really hard time to try to work around other people. Thank you for your words of support - i really appreciate it.

 

[violet3]

thank you IMdanny for weighing in - i appreciate the support. They're not bad people, but they don't understand how stressful the holidays are around here - they think i'm the grinch.

movie zombie - your kind words have helped. I was in real estate for many years before the market dropped out around the country. now, it's OK, but not enough to sustain the investments i made earlier on. I try every day to make the situation better, and i am sure that eventually it will be, but i AM dedicated to keeping afloat - which meant four years ago getting a second job, and two years ago, getting a third. I'm not thinking "poor me" at all, but sometimes it gets irritating when my family doesn't understand.

italia - thank you! i agree, i am entitled to a guilt free holiday. we are getting together at my sister's house in january with my mom. The problem is...we already spend the whole day with my mom and her family on christmas day. We spend the ENTIRE christmas day with her and her family (siblings, parents, and extended from ther), and she's still mad that we don't have a SEPARATE day for just her and us. Last year, we set up a day to meet her and she cancelled on us - she said my sister now had a new family (because of the baby) and we should just skip it. It came back to haunt us three fold - she brought up the fact that she still had presents for us 9 months later that "we hadn't bothered to come and get."

So, today we spent with my dad and my grandmother (on his side). Tomorrow we will be with DH's family for christmas eve, and the next morning we will travel to my family's christmas. My DH will have to go alone on Sunday to his paternal side (who I LOVE) because i have to work. How can there possibly be so many people to visit? Between the two of us, at our wedding, we had 90 family members - just our parents' parents, their syblings, and the sybling's children. It's overwhelming.

And DF - funny. come to my neck of the woods and i'll find you a job you might not like it though

 

[lulu66]

violet, i don't really have any advice but wanted to send you (((HUGS))) i hate that you're being made to feel guilty when you are doing your best to provide for yourself & hubby.

you are obviously very caring of your family & DH's or you wouldn't even question just skipping all festivities. all i can say is take care of yourself & DH. working 3 jobs is hard & stressful, especially if you're working any customer-related job around the holidays. if that means, skipping certain parties or functions, so be it. and if not, just remember in about a week it will be all over & everything will go back to normal!

 

[charbie]

When I was younger, I used to have the fights of who went where what day, which holiday, how many hours we spent where until I finally said screw it all, im going to work.
I work in a nursing home where people don't have ANY family. If mine was going to be a bunch of a$$holes and argue, id rather spend my time with those who appreciate me being there.
When I told my mother this verbatim and she backed off and it put things into perspective. Maybe tell your family you're going to volunteer in a soup kitchen on Christmas since your time you can offfer them isn't enough and so the little free time you do have would be better spent helping those in need.

 

[VRBeauty]

Violet - So your sister just can't enjoy the holidays unless everyone and everything involved doesn't live up to her expectations. That's immature - most of us grow out of that stage at some point - and it's her problem, not yours. Ditto for anyone else in the family who's playing this game. It's their problem, not yours.

Your problem/challenge is to not let their "disappointment" affect your mood. To decide what seems right and reasonable to you, what you "owe" your extended family and what you owe your immediate family, and to do your best to act accordingly. (and to forgive yourself if you can't.)

Next year you might try to make it about what you and your husband "will" do instead of making it about what you "can" do. Don't leave it open to negotiation. Even if you're not crimped by insane work schedules, you have the right to determine how you spend your free time, even if that means spending some or all of it by yourselves...

Best wishes for today and tomorrow!

BTW I'll admit to having played the expectations game. It's hard not to, when you've grown up with Norman Rockwell-esque images of the ideal thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. Somewhere along the line I finally learned to enjoy the family get-togethers for what they were, and not what I hoped they would be. What a wonderful difference that made! Now if I could just get my mother to accept that the time my SILs and nephews and I spend around a jigsaw puzzle IS family time... does anyone know if there's a Norman Rockwell painting of a family working a jigsaw puzzle together?

 

[LGK]

I completely sympathize. We play that game with our families ever year, and I've grown to hate the holidays. I'm wishing I worked later today, lol. We end up driving all over the state and it's just exhausting, and we always work xmas eve and the day after xmas, so it's not easy. And someone always ends up miffed that we aren't spending more time with *them*.

Last year we just left for two weeks. We *still* have been hearing about it a year later. Oh well. It was the best xmas we'd had in a decade. I totally recommend it if you can get some time off. We had to work hard to arrange it but it was absolutely worth it.

You've gotten some good advice, but I just wanted to chime in and say you're not the only one, for whatever that's worth.

 

[Cehrabehra]

if you have yourself financially extended and most in your country are, wouldn't your parents understand that? is it possible you help to create an environment that makes it impossible to take time off to share the holiday because you don't WANT to go? Or is it possible that you don't enjoy the holiday because you do want to be there but feel you cannot? No matter what, getting a handle on your financial situation so that you don't have to work so much would be the first step I'd recommend... deciding whether or not you actually want to be there can be an option regardless.

 

[allycat0303]

Irritation indeed. You have nothing to feel bad about. Your family should be mature enough to understand that you have responsibilities and commitments. I find it incredibly insensitive that you already have to work during the holidays (which undoubtedly stinks enough) and people are giving you grief onto of it. That's just too much. I hope they can be a little more understanding.