Holiday Ruminations

[kenny]

Why, on holidays, do so many folks do stuff say they actually don't want to do?
... especially since holidays are not even real.

What do I mean by real?
Real stuff is:
The earth spinning on its axis causing night and day
The earth orbiting the sun causing the seasons
The lowly spoon that stirs your coffee ...
Those things don't need agreement, faith or pretending to exist.
They just are.
You don't have to pump effort and energy into them for them to happen.

Maybe we do it because we're all nursed on the teat of commercial media, IOW advertising, since holidays generate massive corporate profits.
Many retailers would fail if not for the infusion of holiday profits.

Other countries have totally differently made-up holidays, on totally different made-up special days.
So, maybe ours, and theirs, are not the real and special "givens" carved in stone that we all accept them to be.

Every year we hear the same complaining that folks would rather just have another regular day than once agin take on all the hassle, expense, shopping, cooking, cleaning, traveling, suffering unpleasant family members, and all that hosting pandemonium.

Yet, for some reason, nearly everyone pretends it's mandatory and it's lovely, so they do their best to uphold the romanticized pretense.
Ask them why and they say, "I have no choice! I just have to!"
Really?

I'll bet many around the turkey table wish they were somewhere else, surfing the Internet, gaming, watching sports, getting pizza delivered, fixing their leaky roof.

So I gotta ask ... why, why?

A challenge:
This year, don't do what you don't want to do.
... and if you really do want to do the things you don't want to do (as in what others expect)? ... well, then do that!
Why? ... because that is what you really want to do ... meeting the expectations of others and nurturing their impression of you is a higher priority than what you say you'd rather do ... and that's all totally fine too - though it's good to recognize it.
Somewhat of a paradox.

Of course, if you are in the group who sincerely and truly just loves it all, then by all means do it all!

Don't fret, I'll endeavor to make this my last scroogey holiday observation this year.

Penny for your thoughts, even if it's, "Kenny, STFU!".

 

[missy]

We actually do what we want and have done so for many years now.
It’s freeing

 

[dk168]

We actually do what we want and have done so for many years now.
It’s freeing

Same here!

DK

 

[Rfisher]

Because I’ve been nice for many years.
Currently wanting to be kind, as well.

But that’s more of not being in the truly love/truly hate the traditions- just kinda in the middle somewhere.

 

[seaurchin]

I think the holidays are somewhat a carry-over from ancient traditions, from when people were more tied to the earth and the seasons, with religion far more tied in then, too. The harvest was finally in and there was leisure time to catch up with loved ones far and near and pay homage to the gods.

Nowadays, of course the holidays still have the religious ties for many and are also still a convenient time for get-togethers, since most of the western world is off work and so on. Holidays provide built-in set times where everyone knows way ahead of time to clear their schedules for a big whoopie-do visit, to regularly maintain those family ties.

And I don't know of many bonded groups where you can just do whatever you want, all "me" and no "we." Even, say, a book club, where you don't have nearly the bonds as with family. If you only showed up when you felt like it or when you happened to like the book the group voted in for that month, you'd likely be booted out.

I think there's also that same feeling of breaking a "social contract," when trying to change the family traditions/expectations. It can cause a lot of resentment-- again, a feeling of too much "me," instead of the expected "we," to say "I'm no longer participating in gift exchanges." Or "When it's my turn to host, we'll be going to an impersonal restaurant, paying our own checks, then all going home." If everyone in the family did whatever they wanted instead of considering the group rules at all, there might soon not be any getting the whole family together at all, which I could see being a big loss, too.

That said, I no longer engage with people who I had all those expectations with, without feeling like I had the family benefits that are supposed to lie behind the expectations. But cutting family ties is a lot and typically a long and painful process. Family ties can be so strong and deep, even when they're not positive ones.

So maybe a lot of times, it's more like mixed feelings. Things like buying and wrapping a lot of gifts, deep cleaning and decorating your house, preparing a big fancy meal and maybe having houseguests too, can be quite exhausting, even if you also wouldn't want to give it up. All just my opinion.

 

[ShinyPink]

We don't celebrate holidays on the specific days. One of my kids always works Thanksgiving and Christmas so that those with kids can have them off. Another one started doing Friendsgiving with her BFF a few years ago. I have no problem with it. They're days to be together, so we just choose a different day.

It's changed so much over the years. Holidays were huge - oodles of people. I loved it! Unfortunately, people move away and several have died, including my parents. The kids are grown, and my attitude is so different. My mom was the glue, and since she's gone I haven't been able to recapture the magic. Maybe it will return when/if I'm a grandma.

 

[LilAlex]

Fair question. I'm less hung up on what "society" wants me to do than what friends/relatives want me to do. I do stuff I don't enjoy because other people enjoy it or enjoy it more if I'm with them (and not that I'm such a day-brightener). That's kind of the social contract in our household. I'll tag along with my spouse at some social outings and she'll do the same for me. If she finds better company there, she's free to enjoy it; if not, I'm the back-up. I've pulled her into countless jewelry stores on our travels. And safety in numbers is a factor, too, where we live.

As I get older and have less to give (I'm just not that exciting and new and bursting with seize-the-day vibrance), I figure it's the least I can do -- being there. Plus, as a little brother, I was born into the tag-along role.

I do like "special days" and my spouse drives that a lot. She's a wonderful (if not effortless) cook and we are very food-and-beverage-centric. Although it's not an "official" one, she jokes that food is my "love language" and that's not wrong. I like the punctuation that special days afford in a life that increasingly is a run-on sentence. (I'm an empty-nester in my "terminal job," etc.)

Hosting is a hassle -- before, during, and after -- but we're a big, multigenerational group and it's nice for cousins to know each other as young adults. The relatives I argue with and roll my eyes at would drop anything to help me if I were truly in trouble -- and I'd do the same for them.

 

[Lookinagain]

I like certain holidays mainly because I get to see a few people that I don't get to see often, as they live in other states. I don't care about the traditional holiday food. I don't care about turkey one way or the other, and I don't like stuffing! but I do enjoy seeing the people.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

we have done what we want for many years
im honestly just greatful for a paid day off work, its been a long slog of a year, people need some days off

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

I like certain holidays mainly because I get to see a few people that I don't get to see often, as they live in other states. I don't care about the traditional holiday food. I don't care about turkey one way or the other, and I don't like stuffing! but I do enjoy seeing the people.

to be honest i dont get stuffing as a side dish
i tried saving it and using it in a leftover turkey soup -it made no difference
but maybe i just havnt tried the right kind of stuffing

 

[kenny]

It's nice to read about people's happy holiday experiences.

 

[stracci2000]

I think we'd all agree that rampant gift giving at Christmas has gotten way out of hand.
I think adults should step back and let kids enjoy the Santa thing.
Adults don't need to buy each other presents.

But that's never gonna happen as long as the retail industry has their way.

DH and I stopped giving each other Christmas presents many years ago. We share every day together and that is enough.

And holiday dinners should be optional!
If you don't want to participate, just tell the host you want to spend a quiet dinner at home.
When my kids were small, we had to drag them all over on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, due to certain relatives expectations. I wanted to stay home so badly, but my ex was adamant that we visit all the relatives. It was exhausting and unnecessary.

 

[Lookinagain]

I think we'd all agree that rampant gift giving at Christmas has gotten way out of hand.
I think adults should step back and let kids enjoy the Santa thing.
Adults don't need to buy each other presents.

But that's never gonna happen as long as the retail industry has their way.

DH and I stopped giving each other Christmas presents many years ago. We share every day together and that is enough.

And holiday dinners should be optional!
If you don't want to participate, just tell the host you want to spend a quiet dinner at home.
When my kids were small, we had to drag them all over on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, due to certain relatives expectations. I wanted to stay home so badly, but my ex was adamant that we visit all the relatives. It was exhausting and unnecessary.

I hear you. But I do enjoy buying my adult (single) daughter Christmas gifts. It gives me a chance to give her nice things without her protesting. Any other time, besides her birthday, she argues with me if I want to give her a gift. So that's my excuse!

 

[Gloria27]

Why, on holidays, do so many folks do stuff say they actually don't want to do?
... especially since holidays are not even real.

Haha! Taking every opportunity to bash something that you decided long ago it wasn't for you.

FYI, it's called Christmas

 

[dk168]

Every time I spent Christmas Day with other people since 1983, it ended up in some drama.
The biggest one was with my would-be outlaws before I got married. I ended up in tears on Christmas Eve for a number of reasons and I swore I would never spend Christmas with them ever again.
The last one was with my late partner's mother in 2004. He and I walked out after our meal on Christmas Day, and I never went back up to see her with him after that.
I am a bit of a loner and like my own company.
I find I prefer to be on my own more and more lately, shunting big social gatherings and avoiding small talks with unfamiliar people.
Perhaps it is an age thing.
Not sending out cards this year as I am still a bit emotional at the thought of no need to send a card out to my mum and one of my best friends.
Not slaving away in the kitchen to make edible goodies except for roasted seeds and nuts as I don't have a lot of time and energy to spare due to existing commitments with the two service charities where I volunteer - December is a very busy and tiring month!
I do not feel pressured into doing anything unless I am happy to do it myself.
I am usually one of the first to put my hand up to volunteer as I would have the opportunity to pick the event, time, date etc. that suit me.

DK

 

[MissGotRocks]

Fair question. I'm less hung up on what "society" wants me to do than what friends/relatives want me to do. I do stuff I don't enjoy because other people enjoy it or enjoy it more if I'm with them (and not that I'm such a day-brightener). That's kind of the social contract in our household. I'll tag along with my spouse at some social outings and she'll do the same for me. If she finds better company there, she's free to enjoy it; if not, I'm the back-up. I've pulled her into countless jewelry stores on our travels. And safety in numbers is a factor, too, where we live.

As I get older and have less to give (I'm just not that exciting and new and bursting with seize-the-day vibrance), I figure it's the least I can do -- being there. Plus, as a little brother, I was born into the tag-along role.

I do like "special days" and my spouse drives that a lot. She's a wonderful (if not effortless) cook and we are very food-and-beverage-centric. Although it's not an "official" one, she jokes that food is my "love language" and that's not wrong. I like the punctuation that special days afford in a life that increasingly is a run-on sentence. (I'm an empty-nester in my "terminal job," etc.)

Hosting is a hassle -- before, during, and after -- but we're a big, multigenerational group and it's nice for cousins to know each other as young adults. The relatives I argue with and roll my eyes at would drop anything to help me if I were truly in trouble -- and I'd do the same for them.

I think you have hit this on the head. Holidays can be a reason to step out of one's self and do things for the benefit of others. The shopping, decorating, cooking, etc. can be a lot of work but it can also bring pleasure to you and those that benefit from it. I love the holidays and look forward to them every year. I am also thankful for every year that I am able to do all that I want to do to prepare for them. I honestly don't do anything that I really don't want to do, so I don't look at it as a chore.

 

[seaurchin]

Every time I spent Christmas Day with other people since 1983, it ended up in some drama.
The biggest one was with my would-be outlaws before I got married. I ended up in tears on Christmas Eve for a number of reasons and I swore I would never spend Christmas with them ever again.
The last one was with my late partner's mother in 2004. He and I walked out after our meal on Christmas Day, and I never went back up to see her with him after that.


DK

Ugh, yes. I recall lots of drama, between the strain of holiday preparations and people being off work and able to drink more than usual. It seems to me that unstable people often do poorly when taken out of their usual routines. I don't miss that BS!