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Hometown vs. current city, should I argue? (long!)

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rachnr

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Hi, everyone - I''m new here. My boyfriend and I will probably be getting engaged this fall (with help from pricescope education!).

I''m from a very small town an hour outside of Cincinnati. I''ve lived in the Chicago area for 9 years, 5 of them living with my boyfriend. Which is actually longer than I spent in my "hometown", as we moved there when I was 11. My boyfriend and I REALLY want our wedding here. The city means so much to us, this is where we met, live, work, and plan on living for a while.

So, I had a conversation with my mom about location because my parents went to a wedding of a girl I went to high school with, which was held in Cincinnati. This girl''s father is an opthalmalogist in our town, my dad is a dentist, and so I think he saw how all the "business professionals" that run in his circle were there and lots of people from our town in general went as well. He made a comment about how the venue would be nice for my/my sister''s weddings. My mom mentioned this to me and she pretty much told me this would be a very large fight when it''s time, because he feels that since he''s paying he should have say on where it is.

I have emotional reasons for wanting it in Chicago, but I also feel like having it in Cincy would mean that we''d have a lot less of our own guests and isn''t as practical. A lot of our friends here are grad students with not a lot of money/time/flexibility to travel; I also don''t think many of my work colleagues able to go. I, further, am in school right now and don''t like the idea of having to go back and forth to Cincinnati while I have a fulltime job and school to juggle as well. And finally, my boyfriend may be starting law school next year and I feel like this just makes it so much more difficult as he will be in his 1st semester and that it would be harder to deal with a wedding if it was long distance and may have to miss more school. My parents, however, have very flexible schedules and it would be easier for my mom to help plan long distance than vice versa.

The final issue is that my dad and I can be extremely argumentative. He''s got a temper and is incredibly stubborn, which I got from him. I also feel like he still thinks of me like I''m 16 and can tell me what to do and yell at me the same way as when I was in high school. I love my dad a lot and we get along incredibly well the majority of the time, but as I''ve gotten older there''s definitely power struggle when we get in arguments (which doesn''t happen that often, it''s just typically bad when it does happen).

I don''t want this to be a "thing" and start out my engagement badly, but I feel incredibly strongly about having the wedding here. But they are also paying. Bottom line - should I make this a fight I pick or not? Has anyone else had to do this when their parents were paying? I appreciate his point of view, but Cincinnati is just so not a meaningful place for me to get married at all and I want where I get married to mean something to me and I also want to be able to do as much planning in person and not via my mother and through pictures, etc.

Thanks for any advice! You guys have all been so helpful indirectly as I''ve been lurking for months and reading all kinds of great stories and advice from everyone on these boards!!
 
As someone who just spent the last year planning a wedding that was an hour and a half away I''m going to have to say have it where you live now!!! It''s a HUGE hassle to plan from out of town. Even if it is only about an hour away. This is the first weekend that DH and I have been able to spend in the town we live in in over 2 months. All wedding appointments had to be done on weekends and we had something at least every other weekend. It was very stressful. I''m sure planning an in-town wedding would have been stressful also, but at least we would''ve been able to clean and do laundry on a regular basis. This weekend is the first time we''ve had any spare time to clean our townhouse in months.

I think this is definitely a point worth arguing over.
 
Well, DH and I live on the east coast now and are originally from the west, but we decided to have our ceremony in our hometown. Planning a wedding while you are 2500 miles away is not only difficult, but bordering on insanity. Trust me. If you want it in the city, explain this to your parents (both the emotional and economic reasons) and just see where they stand on it. You shouldn''t go into a conversation on the defensive and geared up for a fight. My family paid for the wedding (by their request, not mine), but they still understood that it really was our wedding, so we got to make the decisions we wanted (within reason, of course).

*M*
 
I kind of think that if your parents are paying for the wedding and reception, they would have some say in where it could be held. I''d definitely talk to your parents and give them all the reasons why you''d like to have the wedding in Chicao. I think there''s a strong case to be made for getting married in the town/city that holds meaning for you, vs. some other place that doesn''t have much significance to you or your FI.

When we were deciding where to get married, my FI and I considered the area where I grew up. My hometown has a lot of meaning for me, but it''s small and there are no wedding venues there. We got engaged in another state, really close to where my FI and I had both lived. This town has meaning for both of us, so we decided to get married there. My parents didn''t care one way or another. My mom did think that since most of the guests would be from out of town, why not have the wedding at a place that would be more of a destination, with plenty of things for people to see and do (a coastal town in Maine). We went with that thinking and it''s worked out great. It is an hour or so away but we don''t mind. NOt to threadjack but I wanted to give you an example of having the wedding at a place that means something to you.
 
Well, count yourself lucky you''re only dealing with 2 cities in the same region!
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My father and my mother live in 2 different countries. His parents live in a third country, and the two of us live in a 4th country. And we''re talking multiple continents here! But we managed to work it out so that almost everyone is happy. I bet you can too, with a little creativity.

Here are some suggestions:

You''re going to have to approach this issue strategically. So:

1) I would make a list of all the reasons (non-defensive ones) why it''s important to you that the wedding be in Chicago.

2) Then I would make a list of all your father''s probable concerns about it and the reasons he''d want it to be in Cincinnati. Try to think of solutions to the problems. E.g., your dad wants to entertain his business connections etc? Well, why not have a separate reception in Cincinnati? He''s worried about costs? (I assume Chicago will be more expensive?) Well, think of things you''re willing to do without to make up for it. Etc. In my experience, whenever I approach a boss or a parent with a problem AND a solution, it goes down smoother.
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Instead of saying ''Look out! Here comes trouble!'' You''re saying ''Here''s something that COULD have been trouble, but here''s how we can fix it so it isn''t.'' People react much better to that.

3) Then, choose your time to bring it up carefully. Your dad should be relaxed, content, etc. Then broach the subject like this "I''ve been thinking about the wedding and where we should have it. I was thinking about various reasons why it might be important to you and mom to have it in Cincinnati." Then list them. That way, you start out by showing him that you understand HIS point of view - and in the process take some of the wind out of his sails. Starting with his perspective shows you''ve given it due weight. Then go on to explain why after LOTS of thought, you realize that it''s very critical to you to have it in Chicago. Say how upset it makes you to think of the disadvantages for your parents, and then put forward some of the solutions you''ve come up with.

This might not defuse the bomb, but it will at least slow it down.

Good luck!


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I''m getting married in Virginia and I live in TX. It''s been hard not having a ton of say or being able to drive there when I have a question. It''s also been a huge pain in the ass because I have to rely on FI''s family to meet with vendors. I actually have to rely on them for EVERYTHING. It hasn''t been easy.
And then everything seems like extra work. For instance, the gifts will probably be sent to our house so that we don''t have to mail them back to TX, which means they''ll be sitting in front of our front door for weeks while we have our wedding and honeymoon. Definitely have your wedding where you are!

Save up the money and pay for the venue yourself.
 
I was in a similar situation when DH and I were deciding whether to have our wedding in my hometown or Chicagoland. I grew up about 3 hrs. west of Cincy in south central IN, but he grew up in the west burbs of Chicago and most of our friends and family were here. We ended up having the wedding here and I''m very glad we did. In the end it came down to how many of our respective guests would be able to travel easily to which location, and with Chicago having two major airports that was the clincher. My parents weren''t completely ecstatic about it, but most of my family from down home came and so did quite a few of my friends from high school and college, and everything turned out well. Plus I think my parents got a kick out of being able to tell their friends that their daughter was getting married in a big city, lol. My dad had no problem paying for the wedding even though it wasn''t in my hometown...I''m their only daughter and he''d always expected to help out anyway. Best of luck to you in your decision! Which town by Cincy are you from? DH and I stayed in Covington, KY last year for our anniversary, he took me to see my beloved Reds!
 
A close friend of mine just got married and her family basically made her have it on the opposite coast from where she lived. It was a huge hassle. Perhaps if you picked out a venue that you really loved in Chicago, you could show it to your parents and give them all the reasons why you wanted to have it there. Having a specific place to go up against the venue that they''d like to have it in might help your cause. Good luck!
 
If you expect your parents to pay for the wedding you should also expect them to have some say in the major details, including location. If you can''t agree than it''s time to seek out alternatives:

1. Have two receptions, you pay for one in Chicago, they pay for one in Cinncinati
2. Have the wedding in Cinncinati, have a party in Chicago later to celebrate
3. Elope
4. Have a destination wedding somewhere else
5. Have the wedding in Chicago, pay for it

But I think you''re putting the cart before the horse, I wouldn''t go into a conversation with your dad with boxing gloves on...talk about it, see what he thinks then go from there.
 
I know this is tough, but I think you should have the wedding where YOU want it. Maybe you have to pay for it, but that is likely the only way to flat out avoid a power struggle. Since you know this is the type of thing that goes on with the two of you, I would try to avoid it. Is your sister still living in the area? Maybe she can appease him if she gets married there, but even that is not your decision to make, so I would, in a very calm and adult manner, explain your feelings. If money is the sword over your head, do not take any from him. Show him you cannot and will not be bought and manipulated. The most important thing is being mature in how you handle yourself. Do not get into screaming matches, hold your ground nicely, but do not allow yourself to be verbally abused.
 
Wow everyone - thanks for the opinions! This has been great. No problem on the "threadjacking", zoe - I really appreciate hearing individual stories! I''m glad to hear a number of people don''t feel it''s 100% necessary to do in the hometown even if they are paying...I was starting to think I was being a real brat because I was doing some searching earlier on Pricescope to see if the discussion had been had before and there was a LOT of "if they''re paying, you should do it in your hometown/where they want" and I''m hopeful to hear a number of people who have arranged alternatives.

To the poster who asked about my sister, unfortunately she lives in NYC and also does NOT want her wedding in Cincinnati (she''s not yet engaged but will probably be in the next couple years). Which has its benefits and drawbacks. On the upside, I have someone on my side who can also voice concerns and back me up on my preference; and it doesn''t make me look like a jerk if I say "No" to Cincinnati and she said "Of course". But the downside is that I feel like he''ll be more hurt because neither of us want it.

My bf was of the opinion that we should just not take his money and do our own thing here if he won''t back down, but I just know that will cause some serious family rift-type issues if I do that, so I''ll probably back down before that happens, but I''m hoping to take all of your advice and logically write down all the advantages/drawbacks of both and try to stay as calm as possible - hopefully that will work!

PS - monarch, I''m from Hillsboro which is a very small rural town east of Cincy.

Thanks again, I appreciate all the advice!
 
if the discussion does come up, maybe you could team up with your sister (in a calm, non offensive way) and she could back you up in the idea that you have your own life now and that life is chicago, and that the locale is really important in representing you. maybe if he sees that both of his daughters feel the same way then he'll be more likely to concede - you won't look like a rebellious brat, and he'll understand that you both have your individual hopes and plans, which are both a far stretch from his own.
 
Date: 9/23/2007 10:44:35 PM
Author: rachnr

My bf was of the opinion that we should just not take his money and do our own thing here if he won''t back down, but I just know that will cause some serious family rift-type issues if I do that, so I''ll probably back down before that happens,
I actually very much agree with BF....if nothing else can be worked out.

Echoing Kimberly, IG, and others, I''d approach and tell your dad you''ve been giving much thought to the wedding, and you''ve realized that it''s really monumentally important for you to have the wedding in Chicago. Get his reaction....he may agree.

If he doesn''t agree and details why he wants to have things in Cinci, then I''d suggest "perhaps we can work out an alternative......we can have small event in Chi, and have a second reception in Cinci." Get his reaction.

If his stance is "my way only and no compromises", then I''d agree with BF......tell him you love him, and you respect how he feels on it, but that this is incredibly important to you and that perhaps it would be best if you instead paid for the festivities yourselves.

If that causes family rifts, well......you''ve tried. You''re an adult woman, and your first responsibility is to your partner, not to pacifying your dad. Now is the time to walk the walk. I know it''s hard, but it''s worth it. Good luck with it.
 
Should you argue? Yes!! If it''s like this before you''re engaged, after it''s just going to get worse if you don''t put your foot down. Don''t let anyone manipulate either if you out of having the wedding you want. It''s not your dad''s wedding, it''s yours! The fact that they are paying should not change that. My parents are paying half and they''re not happy with all of our decisions, but we''ve worked things out by making it clear that them giving us money didn''t mean that they are the ones to decide.
 
Thanks again everyone! Everyone''s so friendly here!! Seriously, it''s of course always nice to be validated, but I''m glad to hear that people don''t necessarily think we have to just do as told if the parents are paying. Anchor31, can I ask if you guys set that "policy" beforehand or if it came out of discussions?
 
I am probably in the minority here...but I sort of believe that by accepting money from your parents, you are giving them the right to have a say in what happens at your wedding. Now, is there a difference between having a say and controlling everything? Well yeah, but you know your parents...I don't.

If you are lucky, your parents will say here is $xxxxx.xx, go plan your dream wedding - and maybe your parents will do that...but it seems like a good amount of the time, the parents pony up the cash and make some pretty wild demands about the location, the food, the guest list, etc...

I had a friend who went through a HORRIBLE time with his wife's parents...they paid for everything, but he ended up not having the wedding he wanted...it was beautiful, but it wasn't what he wanted. Lots her parents' friends were there. Many of her dad's business associates. The wedding kind of seemed more about him showing off than celebrating his daughter's marriage.

I'm not saying you won't be able to convince your parents to go along with you, just that it makes for a tough family dynamic...especially considering the fact that you guys already disagree about stuff now.

My advice? Pay for the wedding yourselves. Tell you parents YOU are paying for it and tell them that any $$ they might want to give as a gift will be used as a downpayment on a house, condo, whatever...
 
Date: 9/25/2007 3:41:45 PM
Author: rachnr
Thanks again everyone! Everyone''s so friendly here!! Seriously, it''s of course always nice to be validated, but I''m glad to hear that people don''t necessarily think we have to just do as told if the parents are paying. Anchor31, can I ask if you guys set that ''policy'' beforehand or if it came out of discussions?
I had assumed it (yeah, I know, bad me), so we had to discuss it. My grandmother, bless her, never got her dream wedding, so she was a total momzilla when my mother got married, and my mom told me about it just after I was engaged. So we talked about it and I said that I was hoping that the money would be a gift with no strings attached. My parents agreed. Not that we''re having HUGE disagreements (some bar and guestlist stuff), but still, it was good to clarify. We''re also paying for the other half (my FI''s parents are contributing nothing but bitchiness
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) so we really want to be the main decision makers. The less decisions we make, the less control we have over the money that WE will need to spend, and we simply don''t have enough money to let that happen.
 
I do not think that giving someone money means you should have control, but I agree that is it what many people think. To me, paying for your child''s wedding is your gift to them, and gifts are supposed to be given freely without strings. OKAY, now that I have stopped dreaming, honestly, weddings are so emotional and laden with overtones of god knows what, that I think even the best meaning parents get caught up, as do the bride and groom on occasion. But, bottom line, communicate! If you try to approach this as adults, and explain your feelings (not justify, just clarify), hopefully your folks will see your view. Using money to control, especially wedding money, is nothing new, sadly. You can also nicely say, Look, this is what we plan to do, and we are really sorry we won''t have your support, financial or otherwise, but hope you can understand our feelings. (if it comes down to this). It is hard not to get sucked into to the emotional blackmail pit, but worth trying. I like the idea of having a party back home, maybe after the wedding, sort of a post wedding bash for local family back home. That might work!
 
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