Hooray for inappropriate comments!

[gatorblue]

One of SO's relatives got married this weekend... it was beautiful and I had such a fantastic time with his family. I love them!
One thing I *don't* love, however, is fielding the same question (you know the one) over and over and hearing the same comments I've been hearing for about 18 months straight. While we were chatting, his grandmother even told me that our wedding better be soon, while she's still around. (!!)
He wasn't there to hear that one, but I've seen his reaction to these types of things and it's never positive. What he doesn't understand is that for every comment/question he gets, I get 10 more. And I feel like as a woman, people treat you like some kind of leper - like there must be something wrong with you because your SO hasn't asked you one little (albeit very important) question. Sigh.

We had a talk about it, but I'm still in a funk. So I'm trying to laugh at it. Here's a list of inappropriate comments I've heard in the past year or so:
- "I just wanted to call and tell you that your cousin is engaged. You guys should've gotten on the ball. What if his wedding date conflicts with yours?" (That one was while on speakerphone. I swear I cringed so hard it was audible!)
- "So why aren't you engaged yet?" (I don't know, why are you incapable of being tactful? That one was from a male college friend who used to hate just about everything, including love.. I was shocked and speechless.)
- This one isn't a quote, but my mom signed up for Pinterest and created an entire board of wedding dresses - for me. Without my knowledge. A friend saw it and texted me to ask if I was getting married and forgot to tell her. (Deep breaths....)
- And every time I call my grandma on my dad's side, I get a hello and then immediately, "When are you getting married?" (Classic!)

Please share yours!!

 

[CaprineSun]

One of SO's relatives got married this weekend... it was beautiful and I had such a fantastic time with his family. I love them!
One thing I *don't* love, however, is fielding the same question (you know the one) over and over and hearing the same comments I've been hearing for about 18 months straight. While we were chatting, his grandmother even told me that our wedding better be soon, while she's still around. (!!)
He wasn't there to hear that one, but I've seen his reaction to these types of things and it's never positive. What he doesn't understand is that for every comment/question he gets, I get 10 more. And I feel like as a woman, people treat you like some kind of leper - like there must be something wrong with you because your SO hasn't asked you one little (albeit very important) question. Sigh.

We had a talk about it, but I'm still in a funk. So I'm trying to laugh at it. Here's a list of inappropriate comments I've heard in the past year or so:
- "I just wanted to call and tell you that your cousin is engaged. You guys should've gotten on the ball. What if his wedding date conflicts with yours?" (That one was while on speakerphone. I swear I cringed so hard it was audible!)
- "So why aren't you engaged yet?" (I don't know, why are you incapable of being tactful? That one was from a male college friend who used to hate just about everything, including love.. I was shocked and speechless.)
- This one isn't a quote, but my mom signed up for Pinterest and created an entire board of wedding dresses - for me. Without my knowledge. A friend saw it and texted me to ask if I was getting married and forgot to tell her. (Deep breaths....)
- And every time I call my grandma on my dad's side, I get a hello and then immediately, "When are you getting married?" (Classic!)

Please share yours!!

Just WOW to the bolded!!

Yes, I have been getting them. More & More.. from EVERYONE.
It's so bad now that my mom proclaims she's waiting for a wedding to plan in front of everyone while visiting family for a funeral. Then everyone turns to me. LOL.

I know everyone means well, and we HAVE been together a long time, and there hasn't been a wedding (well, a big one anyway) in the family for a long time. BUT, it's still annoying.

 

[madelise]

I forgive the oldies. They count down their time left by big events, and that's for births, weddings, graduations and funerals. Once you're retired and done traveling, you really have nothing to pass time by.


I get your frustration though. I don't understand why the Q is asked to the gal anyway, since technically, we have no control as to when our SOs propose! I had one coworker that asked me WEEKLY. I finally told her off because I couldn't hold it in anymore after a year of her asking ridiculous Qs.

Your mom is hilarious with the interest account, though. LOL! She's going wayyyyy overboard on the excitement!

Wouldn't you like to just shout out, "One more Q from you and you won't be invited to the wedding!" to get 'em to not ask anymore?

 

[peonia]

i had to chuckle at your mum's pinterest board!!! so funny, and admittedly a bit sweet. i'm a bit of a softie about it since i would love my mum to be doing such things (even if they're crazy!) rather than how she is actually being.

as for the other frustrating comments - i'm sorry that people have no tact although, i think that before engagements etc. were on my mind, i would have made similar comments to others (though i didn't really because i didn't have the chance - no one around me is engaged or married). i was just completely unaware that it was a sensitive subject until i started reading these kinds of forums! it didn't occur to me that it would be a tactless thing to say, i actually thought it was a nice thing/compliment! (as in, you two are so great together, you should get married, kinda thing.)

but now i know.

i hope you don't have to wait too much longer so you can shut them up!

 

[madelise]

i had to chuckle at your mum's pinterest board!!! so funny, and admittedly a bit sweet. i'm a bit of a softie about it since i would love my mum to be doing such things (even if they're crazy!) rather than how she is actually being.

as for the other frustrating comments - i'm sorry that people have no tact although, i think that before engagements etc. were on my mind, i would have made similar comments to others (though i didn't really because i didn't have the chance - no one around me is engaged or married). i was just completely unaware that it was a sensitive subject until i started reading these kinds of forums! it didn't occur to me that it would be a tactless thing to say, i actually thought it was a nice thing/compliment! (as in, you two are so great together, you should get married, kinda thing.)

but now i know.

i hope you don't have to wait too much longer so you can shut them up!

Ditto to the bold part! Until I was in these LIW shoes, I had ZILCH idea that asking these Q's were so annoying and rude! I thought I was showing my sincere excitement, and complimenting the great couple by asking these rather forward Q's!

 

[Chewbacca]

I can't believe the Pinterest board of wedding dresses! Out of control!


I've been trying to discourage this kind of behavior from friends, and especially his family, for years! I don't really mind fielding it anymore (usually), but my SO HATES it. I think I've done that thing - where you compensate in the other direction.

Any time either of us says something along the lines of 'I have something really cool to show you/tell you, I had a really great day, We are going on holiday, I can't wait for..' etc etc, his parents literally double take, brace themselves, leaning forward, wide eyes. So I've taken to prefacing lots of things with 'WE AREN'T ENGAGED, BUT'.

The pressure was terrible during his brothers engagement and wedding, because my SO is the eldest sibling, and we have been together the longest. I imagine his other brother will become engaged in a year or so, so am not looking forward to round two (if we aren't yet).


I don't mind people asking out of curiosity, or excitement, but I do think things like the double take every time I start a sentence thing is completely over the top!

 

[maebelle]

I don't mind people who just seem to be genuinely asking, but I *do* hate it when women who has just gotten engaged act like they've just won a prize and "ask" just to make sure I'm aware they are engaged. Yes, I know, you haven't talked about anything else for 2 weeks...

I always try to take people's intent into account
There is one engaged women who definitely asks questions just to try to make me feel bad, others tend to ask because they just want to know!

 

[audball]

Andrew and I have only been together a little over 10 months so we haven't gotten THOSE questions yet. I had experienced those questions in my last relationship (almost 6 years together). Every.single.event we'd go to, SOMEONE would ask. It didn't bother me as much then because I had a harder time picturing actually marrying him. Early on when I joined the list that round, we were in a really good place (about 2 1/2 years in). After our 3rd anniversary, things started going downhill and we were both changing. That's when the questions started really bugging me because the two of us hadn't even seriously discussed it anymore since I think we were both in a very unsure place and being asked just constantly reminded me of how *wrong* the relationship was.

But onto happier notes...with Andrew it's great. His family adores me, I adore them. My family loves him, he loves them. It's wonderful. There hasn't been any pressure for marriage, but my parents want another grandchild (their only is already 2) so they always joke that my sister and I (the two unmarried ones, and the oldest...) need to work on getting married so they can have more grandchildren. Lol. I always remind her that's not in the plans for another 7+ years and she shuts her trap when I threaten 10+ if she doesn't stop begging. Hah.

 

[star sparkle]

I hear ya on being annoyed by those comments, it annoys the hell out of me!

The most guilty parties are not my family, surprisingly, they really don't ever ask or make me feel pressured or anything. The people who drive me the most nuts with the questions are the wives of SO's coworkers. His office only has like 8 guys in it and all the wives are super close, and I'm the only SO who isn't a wife. Whenever I get together with them, it's a constant barrage of questions that makes me want to tear my hair out! But I'd never thought of it as a compliment before, the way a couple of you have described. Maybe I should cut them some slack?

 

[princesss]

So, I should preface this with the fact that a) I don't mind making people feel uncomfortable if they cross the line with me and b) I have maybe a little bit of a sick sense of humour.

My ex and I were together for about 5 1/2 years. We got those questions a LOT. So finally I just decided to start giving jack ass answers. Not to your average person on the street, but to people who knew at least one of us well enough to get our sense of humour (yeah, that's a lot of "us" and "our" - we have nearly identical senses of humour). So at his cousin's wedding, we got asked this all the time. Well...he got asked it all the time. I was only asked it once, and it was in front of a crowd of his cousins. One of them asked me when I was going to finally tie him down, and I said, "Not sure. Why buy the cow, you know?" and winked.

I also said, "Never," "And ruin a good thing?" and a few others that I can't remember now (it's been a few years).

 

[audball]

One of them asked me when I was going to finally tie him down, and I said, "Not sure. Why buy the cow, you know?" and winked.

This reminds of the female flip side to that saying.

Men say: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Women she rebuttal with: "Why buy the pig when all you wants a little sausage?"

 

[Schafenm]

Haha audball that made me laugh out loud. This thread is turning out to be a great study break. SO and I have just started hearing comments. The best one though was from his mother. She wanted to know why we couldn't get married while I am in school. SO replied, "mom she is in an accelerated program, she needs to focus only on school for the next 18 months. Also she doesn't get any vacation time." His mothers response was " well what about Christmas?"

My response: he has to ask me first before I can physically marry him.

 

[gatorblue]

One of them asked me when I was going to finally tie him down, and I said, "Not sure. Why buy the cow, you know?" and winked.

This reminds of the female flip side to that saying.

Men say: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Women she rebuttal with: "Why buy the pig when all you wants a little sausage?"

AHAHAHA, I LOVE that!! Definitely going to use that one next time I get 'the' question. (Unless it's Grandma asking...)

 

[gatorblue]

I forgive the oldies. They count down their time left by big events, and that's for births, weddings, graduations and funerals. Once you're retired and done traveling, you really have nothing to pass time by.


I get your frustration though. I don't understand why the Q is asked to the gal anyway, since technically, we have no control as to when our SOs propose! I had one coworker that asked me WEEKLY. I finally told her off because I couldn't hold it in anymore after a year of her asking ridiculous Qs.

Your mom is hilarious with the interest account, though. LOL! She's going wayyyyy overboard on the excitement!

Wouldn't you like to just shout out, "One more Q from you and you won't be invited to the wedding!" to get 'em to not ask anymore?

I agree, the grandmothers have very good reason to be impatient. Aside from wanting to *be* there to witness it, I know it's also such a departure from the way things were done in their generation, or even their childrens' generation. My mom got married at 21, SO's mom got married at 23 or so. They mostly don't understand what the holdup is.

And yes! Usually I just reply with, "I don't know, ask him." I know they're just either trying to make conversation or trying to be nice, but it's difficult to figure out how to respond. I used to feel the same way when people asked me how my job search was going when I was unemployed... if there were any news, you would know! It's just small talk, but when you get asked the question over and over and over, you can't help but get irritated!

My mom is too funny. She really means well (and she did find one dress I love), she's just getting very, very impatient. And she's terrible at hiding it! Right now she's distracted with my niece and the upcoming arrival of another niece/nephew, so the pressure has let up just a little teeny tiny bit.

I should probably mention that my ex and I dated for 5 years, so I'm used to all of this by now... but this time I actually know it's right, so it's hard to wait!

 

[gatorblue]

I don't mind people who just seem to be genuinely asking, but I *do* hate it when women who has just gotten engaged act like they've just won a prize and "ask" just to make sure I'm aware they are engaged. Yes, I know, you haven't talked about anything else for 2 weeks...

I always try to take people's intent into account
There is one engaged women who definitely asks questions just to try to make me feel bad, others tend to ask because they just want to know!

That is so rude! I hate how some women treat it like some trophy... look, I have one of these - do you? Oh, you don't? That's too bad. Ugh! Must be some kind of sign that something else is missing in their lives, so I almost feel bad for people like that.

 

[gatorblue]

So, I should preface this with the fact that a) I don't mind making people feel uncomfortable if they cross the line with me and b) I have maybe a little bit of a sick sense of humour.

My ex and I were together for about 5 1/2 years. We got those questions a LOT. So finally I just decided to start giving jack a$$ answers. Not to your average person on the street, but to people who knew at least one of us well enough to get our sense of humour (yeah, that's a lot of "us" and "our" - we have nearly identical senses of humour). So at his cousin's wedding, we got asked this all the time. Well...he got asked it all the time. I was only asked it once, and it was in front of a crowd of his cousins. One of them asked me when I was going to finally tie him down, and I said, "Not sure. Why buy the cow, you know?" and winked.

I also said, "Never," "And ruin a good thing?" and a few others that I can't remember now (it's been a few years).

I am all for the sarcastic approach, it's definitely the way to go! I love to see peoples' reactions in those situations. That'll teach 'em to ask...

 

[Chewbacca]

I always try to take people's intent into account

There is one engaged women who definitely asks questions just to try to make me feel bad, others tend to ask because they just want to know!

That is the worst! I can live with the endless genuine curiosity, but this really does annoy me. Implying that their relationship must be better, or feeling 'sorry' for me - so mean spirited!

 

[audball]

Haha, I always thought that was funny. It was my younger sister (who is married) who told me that once. It's a great response to people giving the whole cow/milk grief, especially if you live together already.

But some other ladies have a point. I never thought about it being a compliment in that you're so good together that you should be married. Nice perspective.

 

[daintyG]

I remember those comments. I got them at weddings. People thought that they were being cute and gently teasing me because they figured it was coming (I guess). But what they didn't know was that we weren't ready yet and I was feeling so much turmoil over it because I wanted to be! The engagement came over a year later. Those comments were salt in a wound for sure.

OP, I'm sorry that people are being unrelentingly insensitive.

 

[mandasand]

I get the comments, even though my SO and I have BOTH been married before. Last visit with my g-ma, she asked, "when is he going to put a ring on that finger?" I told her she should take that up with him! Seems like every time I talk to his mom she says she can't wait to have me as her daughter-in-law. The problem with all of this is he HATES being pressured, so even if I'm not doing it (and I can't say that I have been perfect at not pressuring), he tends to back way off. Even though family and friends mean well, they sometimes don't understand it's none of their business. It's hard to not get caught up in it. But, in the end, if we get catty about it, then our guys often don't respond well to it.

There is no way to avoid this...I'm sorry. Maybe the best response would be: "He'll ask me when he's ready." And make sure he hears you say it.

 

[gatorblue]

I get the comments, even though my SO and I have BOTH been married before. Last visit with my g-ma, she asked, "when is he going to put a ring on that finger?" I told her she should take that up with him! Seems like every time I talk to his mom she says she can't wait to have me as her daughter-in-law. The problem with all of this is he HATES being pressured, so even if I'm not doing it (and I can't say that I have been perfect at not pressuring), he tends to back way off. Even though family and friends mean well, they sometimes don't understand it's none of their business. It's hard to not get caught up in it. But, in the end, if we get catty about it, then our guys often don't respond well to it.

There is no way to avoid this...I'm sorry. Maybe the best response would be: "He'll ask me when he's ready." And make sure he hears you say it.

My SO is the same way. Even though I'm not the one who's been making the comments, it's really spooked him. And as much as I don't want to get sucked into it all and let it affect my mood, it's so hard to hear the things people say over and over and not start believing them.

I like your answer, it takes the pressure off of both of us.

 

[Sun-Shine]

This topic made me laugh out loud! I've never been bothered by the questions/teasing, but definitely if my mum made a pintrest (which, by the way, I had to google to find out what pintrest is.... ) I'd be mortified to say the least.

The only occasion I recall feeling offended was on my 27th birthday; I blew out the candles and Gran said, "Sunny is officially the oldest female in our family to have never been married.... Or even engaged." My sister then raised her glass and said "Cheers all." Once I got over the initial shock of the Granny-burn I chalked it up to a generational thing, and laugh at it all the time now.

 

[Phdecorate]

This is funny. My parents asked me over and over again NOT to get married until I was AT LEAST 30. Then, when I got engaged at 26 they were disappointed....my dad even said no when he asked, which I didn't find out til years later. They were supportive and said they wanted me to be happy and if i was happy, they would be happy for me. Since we are divorced now, maybe father knows best?

This time around, they are excited and looking forward to me being officially asked. SO actually asked my dad back in October and my dad asked if it was a secret. When told it wasn't, he couldn't wait to tell me.

When "nosy" people ask, I say "I'm not in a rush. I am sorry YOU are so concerned about it since I'm not!" shuts them up right away!

 

[QueenB29]

You think those questions are bad? After you get married they'll switch to "When are you having a baby?" Trust me, that one's far, far worse.

 

[rosetta]

You think those questions are bad? After you get married they'll switch to "When are you having a baby?" Trust me, that one's far, far worse.

Um yeah.

Is it inappropriate to answer back "never, I'm infertile"

 

[maebelle]

Is it inappropriate to answer back "never, I'm infertile"

Well it'll certainly get people to shut it and think twice about what they say to people from then on!

 

[audball]

Is it inappropriate to answer back "never, I'm infertile"

Well it'll certainly get people to shut it and think twice about what they say to people from then on!

Definitely! My Mom has told Andrew and I to get on it (the marriage part) so that she can have more grandbabies. I told her that even if we got married tomorrow it would be 7-10 years before we'd be talking kids. She protests. I tell her we can make it longer. She shuts up.

 

[star sparkle]

Definitely! My Mom has told Andrew and I to get on it (the marriage part) so that she can have more grandbabies. I told her that even if we got married tomorrow it would be 7-10 years before we'd be talking kids. She protests. I tell her we can make it longer. She shuts up.

I always find these types of mom stories so funny and foreign. My mom is the type that has no use for babies/kids, and I know she'd be happiest if I never have kids. My brother had a baby a year and a half ago, his first and my mom's first grandchild, and while she loves him to pieces I know she hasn't been bitten by any kind of grandchild bug or anything. Also, I've been with BF for 2 years and she has never once made a comment about how we should get married or whatever. In her ideal world, I'd probably never even get married.

 

[audball]

I always find these types of mom stories so funny and foreign. My mom is the type that has no use for babies/kids, and I know she'd be happiest if I never have kids. My brother had a baby a year and a half ago, his first and my mom's first grandchild, and while she loves him to pieces I know she hasn't been bitten by any kind of grandchild bug or anything. Also, I've been with BF for 2 years and she has never once made a comment about how we should get married or whatever. In her ideal world, I'd probably never even get married.

Haha, that is different. How was she when you and your sibling(s) were younger? Was she the super motherly type or no?