Horrible story! What would you have done?

[Independent Gal]

This is already passed, but I was curious what you ladies would make of it. A friend of mine got married recently in a very small (20 guests) wedding and she basically told her then FI that if his father came to their wedding, she would not. Yes, my friend banned her FFIL from attending her marriage to his son.

Before you all go ''OMG, what a brideZILLA!'', here is why: FFIL has happy hands, and has twice, rather aggresively, tried to corner my friend and molest her. We''re not talking the old ''Oops! brushed against you'' kind of thing, but a full scale, totally over-the-top ''feel up'' attempt. After the first time it happened, she told me but not her FI (what would you SAY?!). But after the second time, she basically said ''Do not EVER leave me alone in the same room with your father again. And BTW, he''s not welcome at our wedding.''

I didn''t know what to think when she told me he was NOT invited.

I''m curious: what would you have done? Banned him? Or just ''let it go''?

 

[diamondfan]

AHIV e to say I am sort of in her camp. I think that is really vile and low and disgusting, and he has some issues clearly. I would not want to feel uncomfortable on my wedding day or worry that he might be drunk and lurking around a corner. And her fiance should want to protect her from him, he is a letch and someone should make him get help. I might be able to ignore or rationalize it the first time but after the second, outta there. And she was upfront about it. How gross...

 

[fabcrab]

That story is so horrible. I feel so bad for your friend. I can''t even imagine dealing with a perverted FIL yikes. I don''t know what I would do. I think I would''ve told FI the first time it happened so he can help prevent the second one from happening. I''m not sure if I''d ban him from the wedding but I can totally understand why she did because his actions were inexcusable. You really don''t need anything stressing you out that day but at the same time it''s his son''s wedding.

This incident kind of reminds me of that episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte met this groomsman at a wedding and it was perfect until his dad has "happy hands" during a slow dance.

 

[sumbride]

It''s easy to say he just has "happy hands" but if he was doing this kind of thing to... oh, maybe a child... not only would he be banned from the wedding, he''d be locked up! This is abuse, plain and simple, and I think it''s beyond fair that she didn''t want him at the wedding. What would bother me is if the new hubby saw nothing wrong with the behavior.

 

[Independent Gal]

What he did is, legally, sexual assault, and I KNOW she''d have had a horrible time if he''d been at the wedding. That''s what makes it such a hard case. Her now DH was pretty supportive, but a little bewildered, too, and devestated that his dad wouldn''t be there, even though he understood. I can just see the conversation "Dad, could you please NOT molest my fiancee?"

If it were me, I''d probably have banned him too. But I would have felt so horrible about it.

What a creep!

 

[So_happy]

I think your friend did the best thing she could have done in that situation. She realized that she could probabaly work out a way to avoid him for ever more after the wedding but she had to figure out a way to avoid his hands during the wedding first. She was very brave and stood up for herself in a very difficult situation. That man should be legally in addition to being socially reprimanded.

 

[crown1]

i really don''t think i could have gone ahead with the wedding if my future husband continued to have a relationship with a man who would attempt to molest the woman his son was to marry. the groom should have discussed the attempted molestation and if something was not worked out he should avoid his father imho.

how is your friend handling things now? does her husband socialize with his father? is the father married? this is sicko! i know some think this is just men being frisky but i take it seriously. i am really sorry for your friend and her husband this really puts a strain on a family.

 

[Jas12]

let''s hope your friend''s fiance is nothing like his fathter....and if he is not, then he should find no issue with his absense. I hope most people''s spouses-to-be would NEVER in a million years silently condone that type of behaviour in the way of an invite...father or otherwise!

 

[ladyciel]

I cannot even begin to fathom being in her situation. It''s creepy enough to be out on the town or something and have a drunk guy try and cop a feel as he passes you at the bar. To have your FFIL do the same, sober or in any other condition, is just beyond appalling. I certainly do not blame her for wanting him nowhere near her wedding. Forget whether there would be any real threat of him making another attempt in that situation- the emotional turmoil his presence would cause is plenty of reason enough.

It might be easy to think "I would have gone to FI immediately after the first incident to protect myself from a second", but I''m sure plenty of feelings of disbelief, doubt, and wishful thinking that it was just a misunderstanding would come into play. How many of us could accept something so horrible point-blank without grasping at the hope we''re wrong?

As already said, what happened to her is a clear case of abuse, and I pray there aren''t any more victims. If this couple has a daughter, can you imagine the horror of trying to decide if she can go visit Grandpa when she''s 5, 10, 16, even 25??

 

[door knob solitaire]

Would have done EXACTLY what she did...but I wish she would have involved the FI in knowing ahead of time. She needed to know where her Future husband''s loyalty was before they married. I am confident my husband would have taken his ball bat to do his talking.

I am curious to learn where the new husbands loyalty will fall. Lets hope he does the right thing by his wife. For goodness sake she was to be his sons wife...the mother of his grandkids. No moral compass here. He lost his parental papers with that move!

I hope everyone is told why...it sure sounds like that creep is an old hand at that/almost second nature. He probably wouldn''t think twice about touching a child.

Please encourage her to have husband inform the family members. Before it is too late.

DKS

 

[Pandora II]

How awful for your friend. If it had been me, I would probably have done what your friend did the first time but told FI his father was rather inappropriate.

The second time, FI and I would be going to see his parents together to seek an apology and explanation. (You don''t mention if the FI''s parents are still together - if so what did FMIL think???) I would be extremely open about the situation with other family members, and my future kids would NEVER stay alone with their grandparents.

 

[Independent Gal]

My friend''s in laws are long divorced (big surprise!!). So far as I know, she hasn''t seen her FIL since, and her now husband certainly does support her completely, although it makes him sad. The dribs and drabs I got suggest that the view in his family is that the dad is ''off kilter''. It''s impossible to tell whether they say that to make themselves feel better that their dad / ex-husband is a slimebag, or whether, for instance, he has a condition that makes him behave inappropriately.

In any case, I''d be VERY surprised if my friend would EVER allow her kids to go visit grandpa without her and hubby in the room, if at all, even though perverts who like kids tend to like kids specifically, I think? So I doubt he''s a child molester.

But still. It shows some VERY weird judgment to try to feel up your FDIL. So who knows?

WHAT a situation!

 

[jesterjigger]

My grandpa was the same way. Trying to cop a feel on my mom now and then. My dad never stood up for her, he did it before they got married and after they got married. I don''t think he does it anymore. This same grandpa molested me when I was five years old. He forced a french kiss on me seven or eight years later. He forced a french kiss on my sister a year or two after he molested me. I called him a couple of years to confront him...he denied everything. This may sound harsh, but she''s a bad mother to be if she''s even considering allowing her kids to see that man in any setting other than a restaurant, and scum like that should never touch them. My grandpa molested me on a bench surround by family when it was dark on the Fourth of July. She never should have married her husband without first getting him to agree to the terms necessary to save their children years of shame and suffering. I didn''t tell my dad until almost 20 years later. He didn''t say anything but apparently called my grandpa, who of course denied it. Apparently my grandma got wind of it and went off on him as well. So I''m guessing it wasn''t completely out of character for him, he could have done it to another family member, ages ago.

 

[Independent Gal]

Jester that is truly HORRIBLE!!!! I''m so sorry for what you went through, which must have been just awful and so confusing.

I''m pretty sure that my friend has NO intentions of seeing her FIL again if she doesn''t have to and I''m sure she wouldn''t leave her kids alone with him. Family outings with him seem inconceivable, given the way she feels. But it would be good for her to know that people like that really ARE a danger to kids, not just adults, so she never even considers it.

Thank you so much for sharing that with us. I will tell my friend to be EXTRA cautious and maybe you just saved her future kids from what you went through.

 

[ladykemma]

i would ban him from all events. make sure he does not have access to children. let all family know in writing. these guys are "good at it" and are real sneaky.

refer him to "sex addicts anonymous". this is a behavior called frotteurism and is a treatable condition.

 

[cara]

I think the FI might also be a candidate for counseling - if he is shocked and confused and sad, all of which are understandable, it might help him figure out what he wants to do going forward. Lots of people cut their parents out of their lives, or keep ones in despite really serious problem behavior, but there are emotional consequences for each decision. Can''t hurt to have some professional advice.

 

[Kit]

Wow. FFIL clearly has problems. How unfortunate for her and the whole family, really. Who knows what other victims he has preyed upon? There is probably a ton of hard core denial going on about his behavior. Did her FI--now DH--agree 100% with her? To me, this would be the key issue. I would want my FI to be fully supportive and carrying the water on such an important issue such as this. I mean, if she didn''t want him at her wedding, how is she ever going to want him at holiday functions, and seeing visiting her own kids for that matter! This is obviously going to be a source of long-term pain and conflict for them.

I guess if I had 100% buy-in from FI, I then would certainly have NOT extended an invitation to FFIL and also would have hired private security if I felt that scared for my personal saftety and security. Seriously.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 5/12/2007 8:00:59 PM
Author: Independent Gal
I can just see the conversation ''Dad, could you please NOT molest my fiancee?''

Or anyone ELSE for that matter?! Eeesh. What a cad. It''s not a good situation in any respect - don''t know what I would have done, but it would have been something.

 

[anchor31]

Not only would I have banned him from the wedding, but I would have banned him from my life - forever. And if my FI/DH wouldn''t stand up for me... So long, pal. I was molested at 14, and I would never again keep it under silence and say nothing.

 

[february2003bride]

She did the right thing! Not only did she protect herself, but all of her guests and any staff that helped with her wedding.