How can I insert myself into the ring selection process?

[PalmTreePanda]

Ok, so my boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years and we started talking seriously about getting engaged about 8 months ago. It comes up every once in a while (maybe once a month?), especially if we've had a couple glasses of wine. I've always been sort of shy about it, even though I am very clear to him that I want to marry him and I will be saying yes. I just tend to project some stress when we discuss it. For example, he has lots of wedding plans already and mentions things casually whenever they come up...where he'd like to have a wedding, the kind of food to serve, songs we have to play, etc. I take more of a worrier standpoint when we discuss it. (We already have two destination weddings of close friends we're attending this year, and we'll be spending more than $6K just to attend them!) I always bring up that I don't know how we're going to be able to afford it. It's not that we can't afford things, it's just that there are so many other priorities out there (we have so many trips planned, could use some new furniture, his car could be upgraded, etc.)

Ok, so with all that being said, I have NO idea how to A) gauge how much we should spend on a ring or B) insert myself into that process. I think he is the kind of guy who would ask for my help, since he always wants my help in buying me a birthday or Christmas gift. However, he also jokes around about it and says things like "I'm not getting you some big fancy rock!" Part of me thinks that he feels like the whole ring thing is superficial, and so he'll just go out and get some really cheap ring. I have managed to get out my two main requirements: 1) sapphire and 2) larger stone size. But since I know he doesn't value this, what if he gets me a fake ring so he can get the size I want? I want to say that I'd rather have a small quality ring than a large junk ring! What if he gets me a setting I don't like? (I know what I want, and if I knew what price range he was thinking I could easily steer him to the right ring).

Since I'm the one who is always shy about the wedding talk, and he's the one who is super open about it, I don't really know how I can just bring it up and speak openly about what I want. And since he talks about the wedding, but has not asked me anything about a ring, I'm afraid he might go it alone. I don't know what to do! Thanks, y'all!

 

[maebelle]

So I was in your exact position: Down to the sapphire and being shy about seeming ring crazy. We'd talk about everything in the same light tones. Finally three months ago when we were talking about it lightly again I got serious, and we came out of the conversation extremely relieved we had finally talked about it in more solid terms. I got a budget and the go ahead to get what I want.

Now all I'm waiting for is the darned stone!

So as nervous as you are, just have the conversation, you'll both feel better about it.

Good luck!

 

[Amys Bling]

The next time he brings up wedding and marriage I would say- "well what kind of ring are youblooking to get me? Bet you can't guess what I'd like" I'd match his joking tone at first then get serious with details of what you like

 

[madelise]

The next time he brings up wedding and marriage I would say- "well what kind of ring are youblooking to get me? Bet you can't guess what I'd like" I'd match his joking tone at first then get serious with details of what you like

^ That sounds like a good plan!

Has he ever mentioned anything about using other types of stones? Or have you ever mentioned your love for sapphires?

(By the way, hello and welcome! )

 

[PalmTreePanda]

Hi! Thanks all for your responses! I have mentioned that I want a sapphire. A friend of ours is a gemologist and one night after everyone had been drinking she started a conversation about what kind of ring I wanted. It was cute and funny, and she was kind of teasing him about it. So a couple months later it came up again, and he said "I know you want a sapphire, and I know you want it big." But that leaves SO many details out. I can imagine a hundred different big sapphire rings that would be terrible. I have narrowed it down to cushion cut, round, or oval...and either solitaire or with 2 round diamonds on the sides. What do you guys think? Here are some inspiration pictures. (If I decide on what I want, I could just make sure he sees it...)


http://thegoldjewelry.com/images/Rings/304-carat-cushion-cut-ceylon-sapphire-diamond.jpg

http://www.thenaturalsapphirecompan...tural-Blue-Sapphire-Ring-and-Wedding-Band.jpg

http://c.shld.net/rpx/i/s/pi/mp/367...pg&d=54d29114ac89fe9b418dfda9c52b075f4d7f05b4

http://ak.buy.com/PI/0/500/221677624.jpg

http://www.angara.com/p/round-sapphire-and-diamond-three-stone-ring-sr0160s.html

I would really love your advice! All of my friends are major diamond girls, so they just can't understand why I want a sapphire. So I don't get to talk with anyone about what looks best. I really appreciate your help!

 

[mandasand]

Have you looked at Gemvera? They have a ton of interesting rings and you can pick all kinds of gemstones.

http://www.gemvara.com/

I also had this conversation with my BF a while ago. We always talked about getting married, not necessarily anything about getting engaged or about a ring. I didn't really care so much a while ago if I got a ring because we've both been married before and as long as he wants to make a real commitment to me, then a ring doesn't necessarily symbolize that to me anymore...the actions do. BUT, when he talked about wanted to get me a ring, I asked him if he knew what I would like. He wanted to know my preferences and asked me to give him some pictures of styles I liked and my ring size. We did eventually go to one jeweler to look at Gabriel & Co. settings. I picked out my favorite, but he said he still has the choice to pick the setting and stone. So, I just need to be patient. I think it's important to talk about these things. But, often I talk to people and they had no clue that they would even get a proposal and they just were happy with the ring they were given. I'm on the fence about that.

 

[maebelle]

PalmTree:

There are lots of threads in the colored stones forum that will help you out, including a list of online stone vendors that pricescope members have used before. The best thing to do is purchase a stone separately first, and then find a jewelry (either a store online or near you) to set it. You can also search the colored stones forum for "sapphire engagement" and you'll find many many helpful posts.

Vendor list:
[URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/can-we-start-a-new-thread-with-respected-cs-vendors.169561/page-3']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/can-we-start-a-new-thread-with-respected-cs-vendors.169561/page-3[/URL]

Also: Many people have had bad experiences with Natural Sapphire Company, so I would do a lot of homework before going with them. Just be forewarned!


Good luck!

 

[audball]

I'm no help with the sapphire shopping, I'm one of those diamond gals

But in terms of the talk, I would try and approach it seriously and hope that he'll take your tone seriously and have a talk about it. If you don't make your wants known, he won't know what to get. Guys are not mind readers, they usually aren't even hint readers. If there is something specific you want, you have to tell him.

With Andrew, it was easy. I never hid Pricescope from him. He knew I was a member from early on and that I had been for years. He knew it was important to me and asked me to help.

When it comes down to it, as much as guys want to surprise you, they also ultimately just want you to be happy. Try to tell him that of all things, a good quality sapphire is important. Don't start by focusing on size or price. Quality. Make sure he understands the difference between natural and lab created. Different enhancements and whether or not they would bother you. Windows. Make sure he knows the basics. IF he seems confused, and he probably will, say you've been researching and learning and that you know of some good vendors who he could use. Shape is the other thing to emphasize.

We all have dream sizes and most will always want bigger than we can afford, but if it's a good quality, no window, great color, and the right shape, you can pick a setting that suits it and be very happy I'm sure

Good luck!

 

[madelise]

I like the first one best out of the ones you linked to! I like how the diamonds make the sapphire "pop" more!

 

[audball]

I like the first one best out of the ones you linked to! I like how the diamonds make the sapphire "pop" more!

Agreed. I tend to think that sapphire rings look more engaementy when surrounded by diamonds.

 

[PalmTreePanda]

Thank you so much to everyone for your help! I was so nervous, but I took your advice and had a serious conversation with him. It was hard because I kind of felt dumb (like I'm asking for a proposal), but he said, "Hey, I told you a long time ago that I was ready, so I was just waiting for you to tell me you are too." It took a couple of glasses of wine for me to get up the courage to bring the topic up. It seems silly that it was hard, but it reeeeally was!

Ok, so our friend is a gemologist and I just talked to her a little bit about what I want, and told him, "Work with Sarah on it." He agreed, and I have no idea when this is all happening, but at least I know it is happening. It has taken a lot of effort to not intervene more...and I'm still up in the air about whether or not I want to. At one point I told him that he should get the stone online and then have Sarah find the proper place to set it, but he said, "hey, I thought you just wanted for Sarah to handle everything and for you to be surprised!" So I haven't brought it up again... But it's so hard! I know Sarah has great taste and she knows one million times more about this than either of us do....but what if something goes wrong? What if its way off from what I want? Eeek.

Anyway, I thank you all so much again.

 

[Sun-Shine]

Could you talk to your friend Sarah and maybe just give her a rundown of your like/dislikes? You will still be surprised, but can give her your list of preferences. It is great to have a gemologist helping, but that doesn't mean she has the same taste as you. I'd be specific about colour, clarity, cut, windows, enhancements, shape and ring style/metal colour. I agree with the girls about liking diamonds with a sapphire if you're looking for any input on design.

I hope it's speedy for you! The waiting is rough lol

 

[Phdecorate]

Could you talk to your friend Sarah and maybe just give her a rundown of your like/dislikes? You will still be surprised, but can give her your list of preferences. It is great to have a gemologist helping, but that doesn't mean she has the same taste as you. I'd be specific about colour, clarity, cut, windows, enhancements, shape and ring style/metal colour. I agree with the girls about liking diamonds with a sapphire if you're looking for any input on design.

I hope it's speedy for you! The waiting is rough lol

I agree with all of this. You could always say something like, hey Sarah, I know you are working with SO on a ring and I have been looking a lot online myself. I don't want to know too much about it so I am surprised but I am really hoping for a blank blank blank. Make sure you get at least a few things in there, ie platinum or WG or YG, solitaire or three stone, possible shapes, hoping for such size. Maybe even a few pics to show her and see if she can indicate if those are in budget? What kind of place does she work at? Do you know where she is sourcing from or who will be making the setting? Does she or her place have a website where you can get a feel for what she may be working up for you and make sure it is something you like?

 

[vintagelover229]

I'm all for helping the guy head in the right direction


But I do want to point out that many guys hold onto rings for YEARS and their SO has NO clue.

I know of at least 2 guys who had the ring for over a year (not including my own). One was with his SO for 6 years and then she got pregnant and everyone thought he was proposing bc of that (hello-they'd been together for 6 years and he had the ring for over a year-pretty sure he had plans on doing it at some point in the near future without the baby on the way) but they got engaged/married and are doing great (actually just had baby #2).

Now his younger brother has been with his gf for over a year. He knows I'm into rings/etc and so does she. Never talked to me about anything but come to find out-he's had a ring for quite some time too. No plans on proposing in the near future (I'd say at least a year-maybe longer) but he bought one at some point for her and is holding onto it until the right time.

Another guy I know (who isn't engaged or even dating serious at this point-but at a few different times I believe he was) saw a ring he really liked quite a few years ago and bought it and put it in his safe for when he met the right girl/right time. I think he still has it in his safe-he bought it at a mall store so I suppose he can always upgrade/change it if when the time comes she doesn't like it he can always get something more suited to her tastes.


My point is ladies-if you think your SO is the one-and you want to give him some direction on it-some times you might need to be quick about it. Men do strange things when they are in love-like buy something on a whim cuz he knows your the one and is just waiting for the right time/point in your life to pull it out-dust it off and put the ring on your finger


I love sapphire rings and would have gotten one myself when I was younger. I love them and there is a LOT that goes into them vs diamonds IMO (there is a LOT to diamonds to but finding the right color/size/shape is so difficult compared to diamonds since they vary so much and are so hard to photograph). So I would start looking at the colored stone threads and see what colors they photograph and go see in person all the sapphires you can. Skip Jareds though since they told me that man made sapphires are always lighter than natural ones (the dark black/blue ones) and the dark ones are more expensive bc they are more desirable and you can't get a natural one lighter since they don't come that way

 

[maebelle]

Jared's also once told me that sapphires didn't come in any shape but oval, and that if I wanted anything over a carat I'd need to get a man-made one

 

[RebeccaMUA]

Wow ok so I don't know why I just saw this thread but I think you should just show your friend what exactly it is that you like. He doesn't have to know you gave her any specifics. I mean, you are going to be wearing it everyday and it's something you should love.

Also ladies, if you all are in a mature adult relationship, openly discussing rings and prices should not be that hard. As long as you aren't asking for a Khloe Kardashian sized stone (unless he can afford it ) and keep it within a budget he can afford be upfront and tell him what you want!

 

[madelise]

Jared's also once told me that sapphires didn't come in any shape but oval, and that if I wanted anything over a carat I'd need to get a man-made one

Jared's is FOS! LOL!!!

OP, if you frequent RT, you'll realize that gemologists doesn't really mean too much. There are a bunch of licensed gemologists by the GIA who make horrible appraisals that are not accurate. I'm not trying to say your friend *IS* one of these, but I wouldn't trust her with everything 100%. There is a reason why there are a million posts in RT about getting screwed over by friends or friends of friends.

If you value quality, choose a few vendors that cut to maximum optics, and tell her you insist that the center stone is purchased from one of those vendors. And if you seek to have an authentic, natural untreated center stone, make sure it gets sent to AGS. GIA has had history of not recognizing heat treatment in CS. *I'm* always emphasizing to PS-ers that seek advice to let your man have more room to play in the setting portion of the ring, but make sure he knows exactly what you want in terms of the center stone. You can always change your setting. The center stone is the bulk of the $$, and the center stage of the symbolic ring. Most guys won't blink if you change your setting in a few years, so long that you keep the center stone. (Luckier ladies have guys who don't care about upgrading the center stone either )

And make sure you are very clear on what COLOR sapphire you want. There are so many diff shades available. If you're particular with a specific color, make sure he knows that. If I wanted a ceylon blue sapphire and instead got an almost-black sapphire, I wouldn't be happy, and vise versa. Guys just think, "oh its blue, great!" and don't really think beyond that.

Also, TALK TO HIM. Be direct. I don't see why you'd need to talk to your friend about your wants, rather than directly telling him. Isn't she just going to tell him anyway? He can write down the specifics you "need", like color, shape, etc, then rely on your friend for "help". I would hate for you to tell only your friend, then she misconstrues what you meant or thinks she knows better than you, then you end up with something that your SO completely trusted your friend to pull off, that isn't exactly what you want. I get that you want to be surprised, but you bypassing SO by telling your friend isn't exactly any different than directly telling SO. SO knows you're telling your friend, and you know he's talking to her too. If anything were to go wrong, your friendship and trust in your friend might get damaged, too.

So make him his favorite meal, pop out the wine, get a little comfy, and TALK! You'll feel better to get some of it off your chest, I promise

 

[madelise]

I'm all for helping the guy head in the right direction


But I do want to point out that many guys hold onto rings for YEARS and their SO has NO clue.

I know of at least 2 guys who had the ring for over a year (not including my own). One was with his SO for 6 years and then she got pregnant and everyone thought he was proposing bc of that (hello-they'd been together for 6 years and he had the ring for over a year-pretty sure he had plans on doing it at some point in the near future without the baby on the way) but they got engaged/married and are doing great (actually just had baby #2).

Now his younger brother has been with his gf for over a year. He knows I'm into rings/etc and so does she. Never talked to me about anything but come to find out-he's had a ring for quite some time too. No plans on proposing in the near future (I'd say at least a year-maybe longer) but he bought one at some point for her and is holding onto it until the right time.

Another guy I know (who isn't engaged or even dating serious at this point-but at a few different times I believe he was) saw a ring he really liked quite a few years ago and bought it and put it in his safe for when he met the right girl/right time. I think he still has it in his safe-he bought it at a mall store so I suppose he can always upgrade/change it if when the time comes she doesn't like it he can always get something more suited to her tastes.


My point is ladies-if you think your SO is the one-and you want to give him some direction on it-some times you might need to be quick about it. Men do strange things when they are in love-like buy something on a whim cuz he knows your the one and is just waiting for the right time/point in your life to pull it out-dust it off and put the ring on your finger


I love sapphire rings and would have gotten one myself when I was younger. I love them and there is a LOT that goes into them vs diamonds IMO (there is a LOT to diamonds to but finding the right color/size/shape is so difficult compared to diamonds since they vary so much and are so hard to photograph). So I would start looking at the colored stone threads and see what colors they photograph and go see in person all the sapphires you can. Skip Jareds though since they told me that man made sapphires are always lighter than natural ones (the dark black/blue ones) and the dark ones are more expensive bc they are more desirable and you can't get a natural one lighter since they don't come that way

LOL WHAT IS THIS BLASPHEMY?! Holding on to bling and not giving them the light of day for us to ogle over and love and cherish?!? The horror! Jk

Actually I think that's kind of cute. Finding one that he thinks is PERFECT, and buying it even before meeting "the one"-gal. I think it's kind of awesome that a guy would think of a ring as "the one"-ring. Closet romantics! Where are they! They sound like they'd be awesome SOs and husbands.

 

[pandabee]

Jared's also once told me that sapphires didn't come in any shape but oval, and that if I wanted anything over a carat I'd need to get a man-made one

Jared's is FOS! LOL!!!

OP, if you frequent RT, you'll realize that gemologists doesn't really mean too much. There are a bunch of licensed gemologists by the GIA who make horrible appraisals that are not accurate. I'm not trying to say your friend *IS* one of these, but I wouldn't trust her with everything 100%. There is a reason why there are a million posts in RT about getting screwed over by friends or friends of friends.

If you value quality, choose a few vendors that cut to maximum optics, and tell her you insist that the center stone is purchased from one of those vendors. And if you seek to have an authentic, natural untreated center stone, make sure it gets sent to AGS. GIA has had history of not recognizing heat treatment in CS. *I'm* always emphasizing to PS-ers that seek advice to let your man have more room to play in the setting portion of the ring, but make sure he knows exactly what you want in terms of the center stone. You can always change your setting. The center stone is the bulk of the $$, and the center stage of the symbolic ring. Most guys won't blink if you change your setting in a few years, so long that you keep the center stone. (Luckier ladies have guys who don't care about upgrading the center stone either )

And make sure you are very clear on what COLOR sapphire you want. There are so many diff shades available. If you're particular with a specific color, make sure he knows that. If I wanted a ceylon blue sapphire and instead got an almost-black sapphire, I wouldn't be happy, and vise versa. Guys just think, "oh its blue, great!" and don't really think beyond that.

Also, TALK TO HIM. Be direct. I don't see why you'd need to talk to your friend about your wants, rather than directly telling him. Isn't she just going to tell him anyway? He can write down the specifics you "need", like color, shape, etc, then rely on your friend for "help". I would hate for you to tell only your friend, then she misconstrues what you meant or thinks she knows better than you, then you end up with something that your SO completely trusted your friend to pull off, that isn't exactly what you want. I get that you want to be surprised, but you bypassing SO by telling your friend isn't exactly any different than directly telling SO. SO knows you're telling your friend, and you know he's talking to her too. If anything were to go wrong, your friendship and trust in your friend might get damaged, too.

So make him his favorite meal, pop out the wine, get a little comfy, and TALK! You'll feel better to get some of it off your chest, I promise

clap clap, very good advice!!! listen to maebelle, she knows her stuff I hope you are able to come to some sort of middle ground and guide DBF towards what you *both* want and I'm sure you can still be surprised.

also yeah, seriously I can't imagine a guy who would hold onto a ring forever!!!! agreed though, that is definitely adorable, not something I could ever see my DBF do though, sadly haha.

 

[audball]

I think madelise's advice is spot on. We don't know your friend or her qualifications, but madelise is right. Anyone can get a GG, that doesn't mean they know anything. (Not trying to be offensive). The best thing you can do is make sure you DO know and make sure that SHE understands what YOU want. I have read too may horror stories over the years of buying stones from a friend, I probably just wouldn't. I'd go with a PS vendor and source your stone and maybe have her/your SO work on the setting.

 

[gem_anemone]

Also ladies, if you all are in a mature adult relationship, openly discussing rings and prices should not be that hard. As long as you aren't asking for a Khloe Kardashian sized stone (unless he can afford it ) and keep it within a budget he can afford be upfront and tell him what you want!

This...

 

[madelise]

OP, any updates?

 

[maebelle]

Of course it should be easy to talk about these things, but the existence of this board shows that it isn't. We are somehow supposed to be completely surprised while getting exactly what we want while society makes it seem like us gals are only looking to get a ring and have a big fancy party. And if we do mention rings first, we're "forcing a guy down the aisle" I'm not saying this is how our SOs feel, but it is how some people feel! It's completely valid to be nervous about something like this.

 

[audball]

Of course it should be easy to talk about these things, but the existence of this board shows that it isn't. We are somehow supposed to be completely surprised while getting exactly what we want while society makes it seem like us gals are only looking to get a ring and have a big fancy party. And if we do mention rings first, we're "forcing a guy down the aisle" I'm not saying this is how our SOs feel, but it is how some people feel! It's completely valid to be nervous about something like this.

I think maebelle is spot on. I get the negative stigma about a lady bringing it up. However, this is the first of many things that you'll have to learn to communicate about with your SO. Not everything is an easy talk, but many are necessary and it gets to a point where you have to mentally think, "who the hell cares what everybody else thinks...this is about *us* and *us* only". It is a touchy subject, but do as others have suggested, have a glass of wine, bite the bullet, and get it out there. I'm sure you'll both feel better once it's out in the open.

 

[Chewbacca]

Good luck! I agree that is is best to lay it all out on the table - you will feel so much better for it!

 

[Mico]

palm, you are currently not on our list, would you like me to add you?

 

[audball]

palm, you are currently not on our list, would you like me to add you?

Recruit recruit!

 

[Mico]

palm, you are currently not on our list, would you like me to add you?

Recruit recruit!

lol, she never came back!