How did you bring it up the first time?

[Olive Oil]

Hello ladies. I''d appreciate some advice it you have it to give.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for several years, and have lived together for the last two. When we first started dating, I was in my early twenties, and I felt waaaay to young to be getting married. I made some comment at that time that I couldn''t believe my friends were starting to get married, they all seemed so young, and I wasn''t sure I ever wanted to get married. He is six years older that me, and said that I''d probably change my mind once I got older. And that''s the last time we ever talked about marriage.

Fast forward to now, I''m 27 years old, and he''s right, I have changed my mind, but I have no idea how to broach the subject. For the most part, we talk about being together in the future as if it is just assumed, but the idea of getting engaged has gotten more urgent, because in about 4-6 months, he is going to have to move a plane ride away for work, and I have two years left of grad school, so I can''t leave. We plan on me moving to join him as soon as I''m done, an until then visits once a month and for a few weeks in the summer. I have been in LDR''s before, and I think he and I have a strong enough relationship to survive the distance, although it will be hard. But for me, it would be nice to have the "official" commitment before he leaves. It may seem a little silly, but I think it would make the distance a little easier.

But, I have no clue how to bring this up. I''m afraid he''s gotten used to the idea that I said many years ago I didn''t know if I ever wanted to get married, and I''m a little worried about being rejected if he''s decided he doesn''t want to get married. He''s not a particularly talkative person, so I have no idea his feelings on this. Any suggestions?

 

[~*Alexis*~]

You should maybe bring it up after a scene in a movie or seeing someone pass buy with a ring and say, I want something like that!
Be casual and then dig a little deeper and tell him how you feel......

 

[dawn74]

You know, I am always just a fan of the honest and direct approach. But I wouldn''t make it overly heavy or pressure laden or anything. The first time I brought the subject up with my boyfriend, we were just having one of those great nights where we were sitting around at my house, eating pizza, aimlessly channel surfing and having a couple of drinks.
It was just such a laid-back relaxed environment, it was easy to approach the whole subject in a non-confrontational, non-pressure laden way.
I just flat out asked him if he had given any thought to us getting married. I said that we hadn''t really talked about it and maybe it was time to give the idea some thought. I told him that I''d like to see us get engaged this year, and wanted to know what he thought about that. He said he wasn''t ready, but that my request sounded "perfectly reasonable."
It was a good opening talk. Now, in the interest of full-disclosure, I will say that he still hasn''t asked and I am starting to get frustrated. But, I am still really hopeful that we''ll meet that end of the year time frame.
I think the big thing to remember is that guys can be very non-emotional creatures: when you get really upset and emotional, it tends to freak them about a bit. So just stay calm, be honest about what you want, and have a frank discussion. Listen to what he has to say and then respond accordingly.
I really don''t think you can go wrong.
Good luck! You may find that he''s been thinking about it too, but hasn''t known how to bring it up because of your discussions a few years ago...

 

[firebirdgold]

A few drinks tends to make this conversation a bit easier, imho.

Basically wait until he''s relaxed and comfortable, and then just say ''Remember a few years ago how I said I wasn''t sure I ever wanted to get married, and you said I''d probably change my mind once I got older? Well, you were right."

And just leave it at that.

 

[Curls]

I think you should consider the type of person he is and how you two interact. My boyfriend always makes jokes when he''s uncomfortable and we pick at each other a lot. I know when we first started discussing engagement I would make jokes about how maybe he shouldn''t make a particular purchase because I have expensive tastes in rings and he needs a lot saved. Or I would say things in a very sarcastic manner about how it was a good thing we were never getting married and he''d pick back at me, which let me know that he was being sarcastic too. Gradually we began to have more serious and realistic talks. Being this way worked for him.

If he''s more of the serious type then a good serious, yet casual conversation would probably work best.

Just don''t let the fear of rejection keep you from starting the talks.

 

[KimberlyH]

The first time hubby and I discussed marriage was when two of his friends got engaged. It was a "is that where we''re headed" sort of conversation. We had a bit different time frames in mind but we just kind of talked it through until we came to a mutual agreement.

We were in an LDR for the first year of our relationship and I moved to be closer to him to see if we could get along in the real world (grocery shopping, being sick, etc.). It''s obvious you and your guy have that part down, so there''s no reason not to just ask "where are we going from here? do you want to get married? do you see us together forever?" sort of things. Be open and direct and you''ll work it out together. It sounds like he''s aware that you would want this at some point, just not in your early 20s.

 

[Larissa]

He brought it up about 2 weeks after we started dating. We had several serious talks and got engaged 1.5 years after we started dating.

I''m a big fan of being direct and laying it all on the table. Tell him what you told us. Being engaged/married is important to you as is having an "offical" commitment before he moves. You''ve discussed your future together but now want to discuss it in more concrete terms.

 

[anchor31]

To answer your question, in July 2005, our second anniversary was approaching and I wanted to know if my then-boyfriend wanted to get married someday. Not "right now", but marriage is extremely important to me and not something I would give up on, so I wanted to know if the man I was with wanted the same thing out of life. So, I asked him point blank if he wanted to marry me someday. He said yes. I''m pretty sure it got the wheels turning, because two months later he started talking about proposing, he gave me his self-imposed 2006 timeframe in late November, took me ring shopping in February, bought the ring in May and proposed last July.

My advice to you is also to have a "point blank" discussion. Those work very well. Hints, not so much. Welcome on PS, and good luck!

 

[Christa]

Date: 9/20/2006 5:55:23 AM
Author: Larissa

I''m a big fan of being direct and laying it all on the table. Tell him what you told us. Being engaged/married is important to you as is having an ''offical'' commitment before he moves. You''ve discussed your future together but now want to discuss it in more concrete terms.

Ditto! Look at it as the first of many frank and honest discussions you''ll have with him if you marry him. This is someone you should be able to talk about anything with, right? Good luck, and keep us posted!