How did you choose your bridesmaids???

[ladypirate]

Now that we''re engaged (squee!), I have a bit of a dilemma when it comes to picking bridesmaids. I would really like my 2 sisters to stand up with me, as well as my 2 best girlfriends from college (T & L). I also have 2 good friends from high school, one (A) who lives in the same city I do and one (M) who just moved here and is staying with us for a while while she finds a job and place to live. (Yeah, all of my friends apparently come in twos...it''s weird).

T & L are awesome because they are so low stress--I have a ton of fun with them. While I love A and M and I have known them for almost 13 years and been through a ton with them, they can also be kind of stressful to be around. A is very emotionally needy and she is kind of oblivious to how things she does affect other people. I know that she would be really hurt if I didn''t ask her to be a bridesmaid. It might do some serious damage to our friendship. M is more easy going and I''d love to have her as a bridesmaid, but I really can''t ask her and not A.

A and M also both have gone through some really traumatic experiences in the last year--A came to terms with the fact that she''s an alcoholic and went through an outpatient treatment program (that we supported her through--I went to her first AA meeting with her and K and I attended her outpatient program on family nights) and M had a nervous breakdown brought on by stress and left vet school. Another concern I have is that if I ask A to be a bridesmaid then I can''t really do anything with the bridesmaids that involves alcohol and since K and I are big into wine, that is kind of a bummer. I could live without it, obviously, but it just frustrates me that I couldn''t do what I otherwise would (for example, a champagne brunch). M actually doesn''t drink either, but it''s just a personal choice and so that wouldn''t be a problem.

I guess I could just suck it up and have 6 bridesmaids, but I just would feel silly with all those people up there, especially if we''re doing a more casual wedding. I could just have my sisters and not hurt anyone''s feelings, but K has 3 people for sure that he wants to stand up for him and besides, I really want my two best girlfriends up there with me. If I ask T and L and not A or M, then both A and M would be hurt. M would probably get over it, but I don''t know if A would.

Thoughts? Am I really overthinking this? This is seriously the thing I have been dreading the most about getting married.

 

[lala2332]

first, your avitar is so cute/ Is he a scottish fold? I read two books about one. so adorable!

Anyway, do what makes it easiest on you... long term and the short term, which can be hard to figure out.
My gut reaction from your description is to say yes to your college friends and sisters. It sounds like your high school friends may need to focus on themselves right now. YOu can always blame it on your FI not having enough friends to make 6 possible for you. Maybe ask them to do readings, which includes them but not as much. This decision is so stressful for so many people (me included). Good luck! let us know what you decide.

 

[musey]

Well only you can decide what's best in your situation, but I'll tell you how I 'picked'

I made most of my big wedding decisions based on photographs. I know it sounds silly, but this was my logic... I didn't want anything in or at my wedding that I couldn't be sure would make me happy in 5, 20, 50 years. I didn't want to choose that "best friend" that I'd known since high school but wasn't sure to be in my life through moves, new jobs, babies, whatever. I wanted only people who I knew, without a doubt, that there would be no falling out, no growing apart, no cooling of the relationship, over the years to come.

So in my mental list of everyone I thought of having as a bridesmaid (there were 6), that eliminated all but one person, and I couldn't be happier with the decision to have only a matron of honor. I know that when I'm 73 and looking at our wedding photos on our 50th anniversary, my heart will warm seeing her by my side.


Not everyone feels as strictly about it as I do (including my husband, who just chose his two best friends as groomsmen), but this was important to me, and I have NO regrets.

 

[Blair138]

I took the musey approach...

I have a friend group who I''ve been friends with since college. I felt that I couldn''t choose one without the others so I kept it to family. My sister, FI''s sis and my 2 cousins. My friends have also turned out to be crappy lately so I am really glad I didn''t choose any of them. I know I will be happy in 50 years with my BM choices as they are all family.

 

[musey]

Date: 6/2/2009 8:04:16 PM
Author:ladypirate
I guess I could just suck it up and have 6 bridesmaids, but I just would feel silly with all those people up there, especially if we''re doing a more casual wedding. I could just have my sisters and not hurt anyone''s feelings, but K has 3 people for sure that he wants to stand up for him and besides, I really want my two best girlfriends up there with me.

Just a side note, and I don''t know if this would be the best solution for your situation, but I saw someone else mention having a number of bridesmaids but only a couple of them actually standing at the altar (or whatever)... the rest sat in the front row of seats with the family. I thought this was a good idea, a nice way to recognize everyone but still keep the crowd at the front small.

 

[kama_s]

Date: 6/2/2009 9:17:59 PM
Author: musey
I didn''t want anything in or at my wedding that I couldn''t be sure would make me happy in 5, 20, 50 years.

That is the logic I used for inviting anyone at our wedding. If I wasn''t sure we''d be friends in 5-10 years form now, I didn''t invite them. To be honest, I don''t think you should keep yourself from doing anything because you might unintentionally end up hurting someone in the process, i.e. if having T&L stand up for you would make you happy, you should do that. So your remaining options would be having 4 or 6 bridesmaids. If you''re just engaged, you still have time to figure this out. Most bridal parties are selected only 6-8 months before the wedding....so I''m assuming you have at least another 2 months to think this through.

Congratulations on being engaged!

 

[princessplease]

I like musey''s approach.
I picked 6 girls and my wedding will be relatively small, but I wanted FI''s sisters who are like my sisters, MOH, and my three amazing friends from my job that I''d be lost without. FI actually has 6 guys who he wanted up there with him, and since I like symmetry, I picked 6 BM''s. I actually left two really good friends out because they live too far away, and I didn''t want to burden them with money for dresses, plane tickets for showers, fittings, parties, etc, so I didn''t include them. I just told them I had to keep the numbers small, even though 6 is not small, lol.

 

[neatfreak]

Aww LP I don''t have any sage advice (Musey''s is great though!) but just wanted to wish you lots of luck! It''s a hard thing choosing your wedding party...

 

[julabean]

Man, LP, I understand where you're coming from. I had four bridesmaids - my best friend as MOH, my sister, my college roommate, and a long time friend. I couldn't include two of my really good friends, another college roommate, or some friends from high school. For the people who I really wanted involved in my wedding but didn't have in my bridal party, I had them do a reading. In this case, it worked out really well because my friend had been in SO many weddings, she was glad she didn't have to go through the dress buying, shoe matching, etc. etc. Some other friends, well, one person didn't come and I think it is because she wasn't in my bridal party. It's sad that it happened, but I don't begrudge it, I guess. It was weird between us for awhile, but it got better. If you really want all 6 of them, I say have all six. Maybe the low key bridesmaids could help with the higher maintenance ones. But also, if making two people bridesmaids now sounds like a lot of work, I wouldn't do it. You don't need that drama months from now, planning a wedding is stressful enough!

 

[katamari]

First, welcome, LP!

Does your fiance have any sisters or SILs that would get you to 3? I personally think that going with family only is always the safest bet, because you know you will always be in each others'' lives (or can be relatively sure).

My personal criteria would be that all BMs should be close friends (or family) to both you and your FI. I have plenty friends that I am tremendously close to, but are not necessarily close to my FI. If they weren''t great friends with my FI, I don''t think I would feel right having them be a BM in our wedding.

I am not having a bridal party at all, though, so I may not be best suited to give you advice.

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 6/2/2009 8:36:37 PM
Author: lala2332
first, your avitar is so cute/ Is he a scottish fold? I read two books about one. so adorable!


Anyway, do what makes it easiest on you... long term and the short term, which can be hard to figure out.

My gut reaction from your description is to say yes to your college friends and sisters. It sounds like your high school friends may need to focus on themselves right now. YOu can always blame it on your FI not having enough friends to make 6 possible for you. Maybe ask them to do readings, which includes them but not as much. This decision is so stressful for so many people (me included). Good luck! let us know what you decide.

Aww, thanks lala! That''s Gaffer and yes, he''s a fold. He''s such a sweetheart too--really mellow and easygoing!

I''m sort of leaning that way as well...it''s just such a complicated situation!

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 6/2/2009 9:17:59 PM
Author: musey
Well only you can decide what''s best in your situation, but I''ll tell you how I ''picked''

I made most of my big wedding decisions based on photographs. I know it sounds silly, but this was my logic... I didn''t want anything in or at my wedding that I couldn''t be sure would make me happy in 5, 20, 50 years. I didn''t want to choose that ''best friend'' that I''d known since high school but wasn''t sure to be in my life through moves, new jobs, babies, whatever. I wanted only people who I knew, without a doubt, that there would be no falling out, no growing apart, no cooling of the relationship, over the years to come.


So in my mental list of everyone I thought of having as a bridesmaid (there were 6), that eliminated all but one person, and I couldn''t be happier with the decision to have only a matron of honor. I know that when I''m 73 and looking at our wedding photos on our 50th anniversary, my heart will warm seeing her by my side.



Not everyone feels as strictly about it as I do (including my husband, who just chose his two best friends as groomsmen), but this was important to me, and I have NO regrets.

Thanks for the input, Musey. I totally understand where you were coming from and it sounds like you made a great choice!

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 6/2/2009 9:21:11 PM
Author: Blair138
I took the musey approach...


I have a friend group who I''ve been friends with since college. I felt that I couldn''t choose one without the others so I kept it to family. My sister, FI''s sis and my 2 cousins. My friends have also turned out to be crappy lately so I am really glad I didn''t choose any of them. I know I will be happy in 50 years with my BM choices as they are all family.

Yeah, that is definitely a way I could do it--my sisters and FI''s sister. On the other hand, part of me really wants my two best friends up there with me too--you know?

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 6/2/2009 10:09:03 PM
Author: kama_s

Date: 6/2/2009 9:17:59 PM

Author: musey

I didn''t want anything in or at my wedding that I couldn''t be sure would make me happy in 5, 20, 50 years.

That is the logic I used for inviting anyone at our wedding. If I wasn''t sure we''d be friends in 5-10 years form now, I didn''t invite them. To be honest, I don''t think you should keep yourself from doing anything because you might unintentionally end up hurting someone in the process, i.e. if having T&L stand up for you would make you happy, you should do that. So your remaining options would be having 4 or 6 bridesmaids. If you''re just engaged, you still have time to figure this out. Most bridal parties are selected only 6-8 months before the wedding....so I''m assuming you have at least another 2 months to think this through.


Congratulations on being engaged!

Thanks Kama.

I''m thinking maybe I''ll invite A & M to be readers or something at the wedding...so they''d be included but not be "bridesmaids" per se. I could always just say that I knew they were so busy with stuff that I didn''t want to burden them.

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 6/2/2009 10:13:32 PM
Author: princessplease
I like musey''s approach.

I picked 6 girls and my wedding will be relatively small, but I wanted FI''s sisters who are like my sisters, MOH, and my three amazing friends from my job that I''d be lost without. FI actually has 6 guys who he wanted up there with him, and since I like symmetry, I picked 6 BM''s. I actually left two really good friends out because they live too far away, and I didn''t want to burden them with money for dresses, plane tickets for showers, fittings, parties, etc, so I didn''t include them. I just told them I had to keep the numbers small, even though 6 is not small, lol.

Thanks for the input princessplease. It''s nice to hear that if I end up with 6, it''s not the end of the world.

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 6/2/2009 10:30:27 PM
Author: neatfreak
Aww LP I don''t have any sage advice (Musey''s is great though!) but just wanted to wish you lots of luck! It''s a hard thing choosing your wedding party...

Thanks neatfreak!

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 6/2/2009 11:06:58 PM
Author: julabean
Man, LP, I understand where you''re coming from. I had four bridesmaids - my best friend as MOH, my sister, my college roommate, and a long time friend. I couldn''t include two of my really good friends, another college roommate, or some friends from high school. For the people who I really wanted involved in my wedding but didn''t have in my bridal party, I had them do a reading. In this case, it worked out really well because my friend had been in SO many weddings, she was glad she didn''t have to go through the dress buying, shoe matching, etc. etc. Some other friends, well, one person didn''t come and I think it is because she wasn''t in my bridal party. It''s sad that it happened, but I don''t begrudge it, I guess. It was weird between us for awhile, but it got better. If you really want all 6 of them, I say have all six. Maybe the low key bridesmaids could help with the higher maintenance ones. But also, if making two people bridesmaids now sounds like a lot of work, I wouldn''t do it. You don''t need that drama months from now, planning a wedding is stressful enough!

Thanks for the ideas about the readings--I hadn''t thought about doing that, but it seems like a great way to have people involved without making them bridesmaids.

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 6/2/2009 11:38:37 PM
Author: katamari
First, welcome, LP!

Does your fiance have any sisters or SILs that would get you to 3? I personally think that going with family only is always the safest bet, because you know you will always be in each others'' lives (or can be relatively sure).


My personal criteria would be that all BMs should be close friends (or family) to both you and your FI. I have plenty friends that I am tremendously close to, but are not necessarily close to my FI. If they weren''t great friends with my FI, I don''t think I would feel right having them be a BM in our wedding.


I am not having a bridal party at all, though, so I may not be best suited to give you advice.

FI has a sister, but we''re not super close and I don''t know that she''s really the type to want to be a bridesmaid, you know? I don''t think she even owns a dress. She''s really nice, but I just don''t think she''d be interested.

The other option I suppose is to just not have a wedding party, but that doesn''t feel quite right either. I don''t know--I guess it will all get sorted out.

 

[sunnyd]

I think asking A and M to be readers would be a good alternative, but prepare a response in case they say, no, no burden at all!

If you want your two besties with ya, you should have them!

My MOH assigned herself the job years ago

and I''m too much of a sissy to say anything, so I have her plus FI''s 3 sisters. I''m closer to them than my own sister, whom we asked to officiate.

 

[doodle]

I''d just go with the 4 you really want and ask the other two to be readers. singers, jugglers, whatever works. Blaming it on your FI''s numbers could work really well, and if their feelings are hurt, tell them it''s nothing personal and you still want them to be a part of things, but you had to cut back somewhere. I was in a similar position--I have TEN best girlfriends that I''ve been friends with my whole life, and I also have 2 half sisters and a stepsister, and 1 cousin with whom I''m extremely close. I wound up going with my two half sisters, my cousin, and three of my friends. One of the other friends was a reader, three other of the friends threw my bachelorette party, and some of the others helped one of my bridesmaids with my bridal shower. Go with your gut on this one--it sounds like you already know what you want to do and are just looking for a diplomatic way to spare the other girls'' feelings.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

How did I choose? In two words: Too quickly.

You do need to take your time and think about it..I don''t think that''s a bad thing. I probably would not pick A..even if it will hurt her feelings. She sounds like she is going to be an unneeded stress to the wedding. Anyway, congrats and best of luck wedding planning..

 

[Elmorton]

I''ve always wondered if I''d choose the same way again if I had the chance...I think I probably would, even though it made for a lot of chaos. I basically chose 1 friend as a "representative" of different parts of my life. MOH was my oldest childhood friend. We''re like family, though we''re not necessarily close on an every day basis. Next BM was a friend from 2nd grade-high school, then a friend from college, and then DH''s sister. Past-present-future bridesmaids. The friends that "didn''t make the cut" were asked to be readers, ushers, etc.

Ditto to the suggestion of taking your time to choose. Think about what''s important to you. Do you want responsible friends there to plan your bach and shower? Do you want to choose based on sentimental reasons? Friends that will keep you laughing? Whatever it is that you foresee wanting, choose your BMs based on that.

 

[merrymunky]

I went with family members.

I have too many "fairweather friends" and not enough absolutelly stick by my side for life best friends (well, none if truth be told). Most of my friends drift in and out of my life as I change jobs etc. We stay in touch via facebook or whatever, but we don''t maintain a proper friendship.

I asked my niece (step brother''s daughter) when she was about 7 years old when I first got engaged. Since then her father has remarried (his first wife lost her life to cancer at only 32 years old) and two step nieces have joined the growing family. You don''t ask one without the other two. They are a single unit in my book. I love them all equally. I couldn''t be happier with my choice. My niece and her step sister are coming up 13 years old now, and the younger girl is 9. They all look beautiful in their dresses. It is a shame that I don''t have a friend I class as close enough to join them, but at least I will look back in years ahead with a smile.

 

[bee*]

I just picked my sisters and D''s sister-it saved me picking friends. I think you should have the people that are going to not cause stress during the planning and the wedding day. Musey''s idea is great too.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Date: 6/3/2009 12:46:18 AM
Author: SarahLovesJS
How did I choose? In two words: Too quickly.


You do need to take your time and think about it..I don''t think that''s a bad thing. I probably would not pick A..even if it will hurt her feelings. She sounds like she is going to be an unneeded stress to the wedding. Anyway, congrats and best of luck wedding planning..

DITTO! I had a bit of a dilemma because H adamantly had to have 5 that he had chosen an age ago. I had chosen 3. I am all about symmetry and played out different scenarios in my head in a million ways. How they would walk down the aisle, who would hold the chuppah, who would stand under the chuppah with us. Where would the extras stand. In the end, I added on the two I had chosen to be personal attendants as BMs so the numbers could be even. And because my friend J is really going above and beyond the call of a friend because she finished a wedding with the same rabbi about a year ago and knows all the ins and outs of everything.

Now I am in this situation of having a gigantic wedding party, I also have a jr. BM and 2 flower girls and 2 ring bearers for a smallish wedding. Max 150 people, probably more like 100. We are on a tiny budget and I am freaking out about how to afford gifts for the bridal party. If I had waited, I may have been wiser in my choosing, or the symmetry would have gotten the best of me. Nonetheless, I absolutely love all of them, and the choosing came quite naturally to me. I didn''t have to think or rule out people. Because in your heart, I think you just know.

Good luck LP and welcome to the other side!

 

[FrekeChild]

I chose my best girl friend to be my MOH. She''s been there with me through a lot, and I''ve been with her through more, but I know that she''s always going to be at the very least a FRIEND, even if someday in the future she''s not the best. She''s dating my best guy friend (they just moved in together! YAY!) and she was my immediate choice.

I also considered asking my other friend to be a BM, but I decided against it for a lot of reasons. I think she and I will always talk, and she''s been an amazing help for a lot of wedding related stuff, but I kept thinking about it and thinking about it, and not just doing it. She''s a great friend--was there by my side throughout my mom''s passing, and we take around 75% of our classes together. Unfortunately I found out recently that she may not even be able to make it to the wedding, so I''m kind of glad I didn''t pick her, because I think she would feel really guilty if she had to bail and had already said she would do it.

A while back I was chosen as a BM by a friend, and then a whole bunch of things happened, and I ended up feeling really horrible about things (I wrote a couple of threads about the situation a while back) and gave her the choice of me being in it or not. She had asked me the weekend after she had gotten engaged--18 months before the wedding, and before she had even chosen a wedding date. I think she asked too soon. I think she regrets asking me in the first place. I think she asked me to be her BM because she felt an obligation to. Her wedding is this weekend, and I''m not going for multiple reasons (the main one being money) but in a way I''m boycotting it a little because of all of the drama she put me through. I still love and support her, and I wish I could be there in a lot of ways, but she also really hurt my feelings in the process and our friendship will never be the same.

Another time I was a BM, and it was my SIL as the bride. I hardly knew her at that point. But she totally felt obligated to ask because I was related. Out of the 4 BMs/MOH, there was me, his other sister from his mom, my other SIL and a friend, and on his side, my other bro, the bride''s two bros, and one friend. The flower girls and ringbearers were my nieces and nephew, and the only people who were family members who weren''t in the wedding party were parents. It was weird and totally awkward because we didn''t know their friends, but also because they didn''t really care about us being around if that makes sense. They sort of just did their thing, and we were left to our own devices. Anyway, I''m rambling. The BEST thing about being in my Bro and SIL''s wedding--the bride told me I could have 6 inch tall light up lucite heels. I STILL wish my mom had let me buy them...

 

[ladypirate]

Thank you guys again for all the advice. I talked to M and she let me know that she didn''t WANT to be a bridesmaid, so that makes it a bit easier (because I would have felt really bad asking her and not A). As it stands, I think I''m going to ask my sisters and T & L. I don''t know which one I''ll have as my maid of honor, but I know that those are the ones I want standing by my side. Maybe I''ll ask A to do a reading or something, but maybe not. I really don''t want to be stressed out on my wedding day (even though I''m sure I will be).

 

[wyndham]

Date: 6/4/2009 2:04:47 PM
Author: ladypirate
Thank you guys again for all the advice. I talked to M and she let me know that she didn't WANT to be a bridesmaid, so that makes it a bit easier (because I would have felt really bad asking her and not A). As it stands, I think I'm going to ask my sisters and T & L. I don't know which one I'll have as my maid of honor, but I know that those are the ones I want standing by my side. Maybe I'll ask A to do a reading or something, but maybe not. I really don't want to be stressed out on my wedding day (even though I'm sure I will be).

Hi LP.

Congratulations on your engagement! What a great proposal story!

It sounds like you've really put a lot of thought into your bridesmaid situation already, and that's awesome. I would encourage you to sit with the decision for a while before you actually ask anyone to be in your wedding. Like SarahLovesJS mentioned, sometimes you can ask people too quickly (but I've rarely heard of brides asking someone too late!).

Personally, I feel that brides shouldn't really ask anyone to be a member of their wedding party until they have specific event details (date, location, etc). If you think about it, your friends can't even give you a truly committed 'yes' unless they know these details (what if they say yes and then your wedding date happens to be on the same date as one of their siblings' weddings? Stranger things have happened). I would wait until you've figured out the basic details, and then ask your sisters/friends to stand up with you.

By the time I get married I will have been engaged for 15 months, and I waited about 3 months after we were engaged to ask anyone to be in the wedding. After 3 months I had the date and the location/venue selected, so I was able to write each of my friends a card asking her to be in my wedding. In the card, I mentioned all of the 'specifics' that I had at that point...that they would need to pay for a hotel for two nights, pay for a dress, and come to the rehearsal. I think this was a good way of setting up expectations ahead of time...and it gave them a much fuller, clearer picture of what they were actually saying yes to!

A lot of the BWW threads center around disappointing friends/bridesmaids, so I think it's important to make your expectations clear ahead of time BEFORE your friends commit to being in your wedding. Long story short, I would wait until you can provide them all of these details and then let them accept your request knowing what is expected of them.

Regarding your particular situation with your friends...I would definitely NOT ask A. I know it stinks that it might hurt her feelings, but if you ask her to be in your bridal party and she continually disappoints you, YOUR feelings are the ones that are going to end up hurt. Asking friends to be in your wedding party is (in my opinion) one of the times that you should err on the side of caution and pick the people who you know will support you and let it be all about you. Life is so rarely all about you...you need friends who will make it all about you for your one day!

Best of luck to you in the planning process -- I look forward to hearing more about it!