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How did your career change after having kids?

NewEnglandLady

NewEnglandLady

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2007
Messages
6,299
Maybe it didn't change at all. Or maybe it ended altogether. I don't know, I'm just struggling with my own and I find it helpful to hear others' experiences with this kind of thing.

I won't dive into the chaos that is in my head right now when it comes to juggling work and life. I have an 18-month-old with another on the way. I reduced my hours to give me more work/life balance, which is working FOR NOW, but the result is that my career is stagnant and I'm struggling with long-term solutions. With another on the way, I don't know what to think.

I'm interested in hearing your stories. What were your biggest considerations (commute, hours, job stress, $$)? Looking back, would you have changed anything? Did your husband have an opinion? Did anything change when going from 1 child to multiple children? For those in a high-cost area, did you consider an area with lower cost of living to give you more options?
 
NEL, I changed careers/jobs at the same company after we got engaged. I used to be a consultant and travel 4 days/week like my husband. I moved into an internal role which is a work from home role as I knew we would not be able to have kids with both of us travelling. It is a less stressful position and there are less opportunities for advancement (ie, my boss would have to find a new job for me to move up). We have a nanny who comes to our house, and I get to look in on K during the day which is really ideal. My job does involve some travel usually one night - every other month or so. Since I had K, I have avoided volunteering for any travel which won't be sustainable long term. My team who works for me is doing the travelling instead of me. My husband can make arrangements to work from home that week if I need to travel as it's not that frequent. I was invited to a special leadership training that is 3 nights away from home 2 months in a row when I was pregnant, and I deferred the class. I was just recently re-invited to this leadership class later this year. I really do not want to be away from K for 3 nights, 2 months in a row. So, I am struggling with what to do. I am also still pumping (even though I only get 4 oz per day with 3 pump sessions), and I feel that would not be possible if I attend this class out of state. I am thinking of pretending I didn't see the email and missing out on the class! I definitely work a lot less hours than I used to because I need to stop work when our nanny leaves as most of the time my husband is not home since he's travelling. Also, I have talked to a few friends who said they thought becoming a SAHM around the time their children were school aged is ideal because you can volunteer at school and be available to take the kids to after school activities, and you still get a little time to yourself during the day. So, right now, I am planning to keep my job because it is a pretty great situation being a work from home position, and I'm thinking of quitting work around the time K enters Kindergarten. So, I definitely consciously put my career in the backseat when we decided to get married and have kids. I am older than most first time moms though. I have been working for 20 years so I am looking forward to stopping work in the next 5 years!
 
JGator, WFH and having a nanny would be ideal for me, too. I can see why you'd want to continue that arrangement until K is in school. And I am right there with you when it comes to putting your career in the back seat...and avoiding travel at all costs. I'm in a similar boat here. I also used to do consulting (before getting married) and enjoyed the travel then. My husband was a consultant (for a different firm), but he went client side soon after we got married. He still has struggles with the work/life balance issue.

Are you excited or nervous about making the transition to a SAHM when K is in school? Or both? What about your husband? I have often considered it (and still do), but I worry about finances. And while my husband says he's supportive of any decision I make, I think he's used to me working, if that makes sense. I know he'd feel more financial pressure and I think he'd actually spend less time with us at home (wouldn't have to do daycare pick-up anymore, would feel more pressure to work longer hours, etc.)
 
My DH struggles with work life balance also and talks about getting a non-travel job, but I think he worries about making the switch to the client side since he has been a consultant for so long. But, I would love for him to stop travelling! I am excited about becoming a SAHM, but I would definitely feel more constrained financially which I do not look forward to. My DH never spends money on himself. He is happy to spend money on K, but I think I will feel weird spending money on myself if I don't have an income so I'm not looking forward to that part. My DH will likely feel a lot more pressure financially so I am concerned about that. He is a worrier by nature, and I'm more relaxed about things.
 
My husband is the exact same as yours--won't spend a dime on himself, but wants the best for K. It actually makes me worry because I can see her saying "Daddy, will you buy me a new car?" when she's 16...and he'd say "sure, honey". I can understand your husband's reluctance to switch, the client side has its own issues. And you do sort of get used to the travel.

At least you have a couple of years to prepare for the SAHM switch. If I eventually go that route, I think I'll stash away a little money while I'm working...just to buy DH's gifts or something while I'm still making the transition. Right now we're in the midst of doing some home renovations and it feels like money is slipping through our fingers, which makes the decision more tough. You just bought a house, right? You probably feel the same pain. Our house was move-in ready when we bought 3 years ago (we knew we'd have a few project down the road), but I keep finding things I want to change. I tackle as much as I can myself, but you know how difficult it is with a toddler running around.

Anyway, it's good to hear your plans and considerations...sometimes I'm just not sure if I'm making it harder for myself or if it's just difficult to navigate for everybody.
 
I don't think my career has changed at all. The directors in my department are both moms so they know the drill. My company is really good at respecting personal lives. The one thing that has changed is my ability and/or desire to socialize with my coworkers. There have been several events that I haven't been able to attend, but I'm fine with it and everyone understands. My boss is really good about understanding why I can't stay at work late. I do work from home on occasion, late night after B is in bed. My department is huge on "we don't care when/how you get your work done, as long as it's done."
 
NEL, I'm not a great one to give advice since you've been at this mommy thing a bit longer than I have, but I do think about this all the time. I know you're familiar with my situation. I'm an attorney and even before I got pregnant, I knew it would be a problem once I had kids because everyone who succeeds in my firm is a complete workaholic, which is definitely not what I want for myself. I've had to travel about 4 times in the past couple months and be gone from the baby for a night or two each time, and luckily my DH is pretty amazing and handles it well, but it is so not what I want for my life. Before getting pregnant and after having my baby, I have been on the hunt for new opportunities. I've gotten close on a few, but nothing is panning out thus far. Anyway, I just talked with my group leader yesterday, and starting next year, I'm going to be on a modified schedule. I'm not sure how it will all work, but I'm supposed to come up with a proposal for how many billable hours I think I can handle, and they will adjust my salary accordingly. I will either just work a few hours less every day or take a day off every week. I know full well that they will pretty much write me off once I do that, but all I'm hoping for is that it will work out for a few years while my kiddo(s) is/are young, and I will still be bringing home a nice income and get health insurance but have flexibilty to be at home when I need to be.

JGator, it sounds like you have a good plan. I wish I could stay home, but my husband works for himself and doesn't get health insurance, and I agree with the others that, he would feel a lot more pressure if I didn't have my income. He is big into saving and planning for retirement, and it would be a lot harder for us to get ahead if my income went away.

amc, sounds like you have a great position. I too have completely backed out of most social events since having the baby. I just really don't enjoy being away from him anymore than I have to after I've been at work 10 hours.
 
amc, it's great that your directors are also fellow moms. I do think that helps...not just with understanding the day-to-day work/life balance issues, but with things like after-work social events. Sounds like you're in a pretty good place, which is wonderful.

MP, I've been wondering how you're doing. I know your job has been a big consideration since your first TTC days and you've been exploring all of your options ever since. It sounds like you have a good solution (reducing billable hours), but I TOTALLY understand the drawbacks. As you probably remember, I reduced my billable hours to 32/week and took a 20% pay cut, but at my agency, that means I will not get promoted. So like you said, it basically means "game over" for me here. And that's what I'm struggling with...since I'm looking at a couple more years (at least) of no promotion, which starts to make my resume look stale.

It's good that you found a solution, though. And I have to say, the difference between 32 hours/week and 40+hours/week is HUGE. I don't know how I'm going to go back to 40. If it helps you at all, the way it works for me is that my 401K, benefits and taxes are based on my 100% pay (which means more comes out of my check), which I don't mind, especially because I didn't want to reduce what I (and my company) put into my 401K.
 
MP, my husband is big into saving for retirement too. I think the only reason this is an option for us is we both have been working for so long and have some money saved for retirement already. Don't get me wrong, my husband probably will never think we have enough money to retire, but we both have about the same amount saved already. I'm not 100% sure what will happen in 5 years, but hopefully if I want to be a SAHM at that point, I will be able to.

NEL, yeah, our house is becoming a money pit which could impact our plans for me to stop working! The list never will end, I am sure. And, there are things that are functionally fine that I would like to change (ie, brass fixtures and wallpaper) that will always bug me and don't bother my husband so maybe I need to keep working until those bug me items are fixed.
 
Nel, I think I could write a novel about this:-)

Briefly(ish)...

DH and I were both professional classical musicians...now our careers have taken different turns.

I do fundraising and internal strategy for non profits, and am graduating with my MBA this semester (whoot whoot! but d*mn those student loans)

DH is currently a full-time SAHD, part-time student, and part-time volunteer EMT. He takes the MCAT next summer and will be applying to medical school.

I am the sole breadwinner for our family and will be for the next 5-10 years.

My current job is not perfect, but is a pretty good situation right now--my boss is reasonable, supports motherhood, and has a daughter in graduate school, my work is interesting, my pay is enough to support our family (but barely), and my commute is 15-20 minutes door to door on the subway.

But...if my boss left I don't think I would want to stay (her boss can be very unreasonable), in another year or two I will have the same "stagnant resume" situation as there is nowhere for me to move up internally, AND we will move where ever DH gets into medical school...so, there are a lot of variables.

For the short-term, this situation is working and when I come back from maternity leave next May I am going to try and work one day a week from home which would be very helpful.

For the long-term, I have no idea...where I would like my career to go is into executive leadership for a major cultural or education non-profit; but, I am not willing to sacrifice nights and weekends with my family right now or probably for a long time...and then when I factor in DH having the demands of medical school and residency...I think that my career will go more on the back burner.

Honestly, my ideal scenario starting when he is in medical school, and definitely when he is in residency, is to work during school hours only and be home the rest of the time. I want to be able to see my children's afterschool activities and be around for the countless little conversations/interactions/life lessons that happen before, during, and after those activities. If I continue working part-time on a consultancy or permanent basis I can "keep a toe" in the water and then possibly go back full-time when my kids are in high school or college.

I love what I do, am very good at it, and would be a great CEO/Executive Director, but my priorities have changed and my family is more important to me than my career. So for now, all career opportunities are evaluated through the lens of my family and work-life balance.

I started the MBA in 2009 just a few weeks before DH and I got married. My career plan was very clear: concentrate on mgt consulting, work for McKinsey, Bain, or BCG for a few years after graduation, work for Bridgespan for a few years after that, and then move into executive leadership and start climbing the ladder to bigger and bigger organizations.

But things change...my perspective changed...my DH's career changed...we have a son with some unique needs and another child on the way...and my life/career/priorities look really different now than they did before kids. I am embracing the concept of a career lattice rather than a ladder and just seeing where this adventure takes me.
 
Career? What career? After having children, I decided to stop working. Heck, while trying to get pregnant, which took almost 2 years, I stopped working (because my job at the time required frequent travel). I am just now getting back into it (sort of) and my kids are in elementary school. I am not in the same field, which is fine, and much of my new career can be done from home :)
 
I struggle with this a bit too.

I'm a bit different from you, NEL, in that I'm still in a training pathway in my profession (subspecialist medical training). My worries are a) how the hell am I going to manage to finish my training when my husband is in an equally small/specialised training program, and will need to go interstate/abroad to finish (as will I)? b) that important people in my field here (where I want to live long-term) think I'm a flake because I've had a baby, taken a full year of mat leave, and am currently doing a higher degree 4 days a week (rather than the status quo, which is to work like a mad person - "full-time study" and "full-time clinical work" at the same time, 1 in 4 on-call, no time for personal life), and c) I will end up without a job and a career.

THAT SAID, the further along I go, the more the conflict in my head resolves in a particular way - which is that I have 30 years to have a career, if it takes me an extra 5 or 6 years to get there, or if I don't scale the heights I think I "could have" or "should have", all will be well. I won't get these family/childbearing years back, so I need to let that happen now and get as much as I possibly can out of it whilst keeping work simmering along (or treading water) until such a time or opportunity that I can pick it up and run without unreasonably compromising the work-life balance I want.

My husband and I think very similarly about work-life balance. I think he would be completely supportive no matter what I chose to do at the moment; initially I had planned to start my PhD part-time when LO was 7 months old, but then I decided to extend my mat leave to a full year. He never questioned that decision, but then again we were lucky to be in a position where we could afford to do that. Next time around it will be significantly more challenging financially, as he wants to start a PhD next year as well. We will essentially be borrowing against our future, as we do know that at the end of this seemingly interminable training pathway, we have good earning capacity, so we don't want to have to be TOO Scrooge-like now, when the going is intense and we need decent breaks and a quality of life to help us deal with it.
 
JGator, isn't it amazing how much money goes into your home? Not just on project, but on general maintenance. Half the time I feel like I don't have enough space and half the time I wish we had a smaller house that didn't take up as much time and money to maintain.

Bella, it's so neat that you and your husband were both musicians before your career paths took you in other directions. That was my plan when I was a junior in high school, but by the time I was a senior I was feeling very burnt out in music and decided to go another direction. My husband was a music major before switching to math. Now we just enjoy playing as a hobby, though I miss playing with a group sometimes.

Anyway, it sounds like your boss and your commute (jealous) really help in making it work for now. I think if you could work from home 1 day/week, that would also be really helpful. If I go back to 5 days/week at some point, then I'm going to push to work from home on Fridays. Just being home and getting a few things done while on calls helps tremendously.

Taking into consideration DH's career and goals is a big factor for you, too. Sometimes I feel like it's not just about work/life balance for me, it's about work/life balance for the whole family and how I can best accommodate that.

And I definitely understand the whole idea of having a plan for your life, only to have it change. That's definitely me. I spent a good chunk of my 20's (after college) working really hard and having lofty goals. At some point, I think the hypercompetition just got to me and now that I'm in my 30's, I've carved a niche for myself and don't have the energy to "compete" anymore.

momhappy, it sounds like your decision to stay home worked out really well for you--and now that your kids are in school and you found a position where you can work from home, you get the best of both worlds.

Pancake, you have a very good point about a career lasting 30+ years, so not getting hung up on the next year. Or 3 years. I think about that a lot--I'm 32 and while our goal is to retire in our 50's, that's still decades away. I agree that if you need to tread water (exactly how I feel right now) and put things on hold for a bit, then it's not the end of the world.

I saw you're going to TTC in the next month and that is really exciting! But I also understand that it brings up the whole career discussion. When we had K, I didn't think twice about slowing down for a couple of years. But now with another on the way, I realize that it's extending this whole "treading water" phase and I don't know how that's going to affect me down the road. Or if I should start thinking about making changes.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and considerations!
 
I think it will always be hard if you have a high demand career. For me, it hasn't changed, but I don't have a high demand job. It's not high demand, as in my hours are set and there is no travelling involved. I don't think about work at all once I exit the office. I know some coworkers who are constantly complaining about too much work or pressure from management, and feeling stressed. So maybe it also depends on the person. My commute isn't bad, 15 miles, which equals to typically a 30-45 min commute. Money-wise, I get paid decent. MIL babysit for us, so there wasn't much a childcare cost until we put the kids in preschool. My kids are 5 and 3.5 now, and I wouldn't really change a thing. I, maybe, would've like to be able to stay home until they were preschool age. But I think it's good for me to have time away from them and having adult interaction because some days they drive me nuts. LOL. I actually really hope to move toward management level now that they are older.

ETA: Oh, I decided not to put my career on hold because I wasn't sure that I can easily get my job back after 3-5 years, and then I wasn't sure that I would want to start over as a newbie.
 
Well, I will start by saying that I've worked for a public university since 2002. I just happened to start that job literally 2 weeks before I found out about a surprise pregnancy! So my career really is hard to judge for that reason. I definitely feel like I could have advanced much more if I had not become pregnant and had one, then two children 2 yrs apart.

That said, I'm not the least bit upset about my career being stagnant. If anything, I'm upset that I didn't get to throw in the towel before now so I could stay with my girls. I know that having a career is ultimately a very personal decision and there really is no right or wrong. Some moms would go NUTS being a full time SAHM. Some would be miserable being away from their kids because their primary focus and what makes them tick is different. Doesn't mean one loves their child more or less, just different!

I worked part time quite happily while my first was a baby and family watched her. Once my second DD was born, my job threw me a curve ball and said I needed to go full time as soon as maternity leave ended. ;( At that point, I was buried in a mortgage with my now ex husband and his parents were watching the girls for "free" (ha, nothing's truly free...but that's another story ;)) ). So I couldn't justify quitting.

Now that I am remarried, out from under that mortgage, away from the family that helped for "free" and expecting our third baby, it's time for me to finally stay at home with my three girls. It's going to be financially tight, but we knew that prior to TTC. It means not buying a home for quite a while, but we like where we are renting and hope to move back to NY again someday so we aren't too worried about that. It just doesn't make sense at all for us to pay for childcare for three kids to keep me working. My take home pay would be so little and we'd have so much more stress. So the plan is for me to stay home until at least the youngest is in school, then reevaluate. I know that's a HUGE blow to my career and it will be a challenge to get back into the University if that's the route I choose, but I'm at peace with the situation. I'm really looking forward to it actually, even though it means living quite a different lifestyle than what we've been accustomed to.
 
Well, I've decided that the next level in my career is unattainable with small kids. The amount of effort required to make that jump is like having another job on top my regular high-stress job. I work 45-60 hours/week so taking on additional projects to prove myself means I'll never see my child. DH seems to be ok with that scenario in theory. He wants to me to climb, climb, climb and to have more kids. Kinda don't see the point of having more kids if I never see them.

I've thought about being a SAHM but this article recently posted in NYT Magazine completely turned me off the idea. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/08/11/magazine/the-opt-out-generation-wants-back-in.html?pagewanted=all...
 
Prior to having my daughter, I worked 40-45 hours a week in the office and another few hours every week at home nights and weekends, especially when things were busy at work My commute was about 40 minutes in the morning and an hour in the evening. Once I went back to work after maternity leave I really struggled. I couldn't put in the extra hours at home any longer because I was either taking care of an infant or exhausted, and I couldn't stay late if I was in the middle of a project because I had to pick up my daughter so it stressed me out to always feel like I was behind. Additionally my commute got even longer since I had to stop at daycare and I was driving at a heavier traffic to make the pickup, so I was spending over two hours a day on the road. I no longer felt like I was excelling at my job, instead I barely felt like I was getting by, although I think most of that was in my own head and my supervisors assured me I was doing fine.

When DD was nine months old, a manager in my department asked me if I would be interested in applying for a new higher job in her group. I really struggled with the decision, even though the job sounded interesting and challenging, I worried I wouldn't be able to give it the effort I felt like I would need to in order to get up to speed, and I saw that many people in her group worked extra hours nights and weekends, and the job would require some additional travel. But I talked myself into it, applied and got the job.

Only a few weeks later, I found out about an opportunity at another company that was only 15 minutes from home, and even though I felt guilty about applying right after I had taken a new job within my company, I couldn't pass up that chance, and I ended up getting that job. I've been in my new job a month now and feel so lucky that things worked out this way. It's very similar to my old position in responsibilities, but the shorter commute has made all the difference, and now I feel like I have some balance in my life instead of being stretched so thin all the time.

If I hadn't had my daughter, I might have looked for this opportunity anyway, because I do hate driving, but having her really put a premium on my free time and made me realize that the most obvious way for me to get a little more of my time back would be to not spend so much time on the road. I'm lucky that there was a major company in my industry so close and that they were hiring at that time.

I'm not sure how things will change when we have another LO in a few years. My new company is big on flexibility so I may look into working reduced hours or a split schedule (some people work 5-6 hours a day in the office and then finish up 2-3 hours in the evening). But I know the newborn years will probably be easier the next time around with a shorter commute!
 
Steph, congratulations on the new job! I totally understand where you're coming from re: the commute. Add in possible accidents and its so stressful!
 
I'm a lot more focused at work than I've ever been before having my daughter.

I don't really know if I WANT to stay home or if the fact that I can't stay home makes it more appealing to me. Either way, I struggle with the fact that I work so many hours outside of the home.

My situation is a bit different from the majority here in that I really do have to work. SAH as even a consideration is more of a dream than reality. Because of this, I'm actually more focused. The way I see it is if I have to spend 8-10 hours a day away from my daughter then I'm going to make those hours count. I'm more present, I volunteer for a lot of assignments, I'm climbing the ladder, etc. I don't waste time on silly things. I've actually grown a lot as a career woman.

I would probably be a lot more conflicted if staying home was a reasonable option. Actually, I would probably just make staying home work if I could in any way possible.
 
Well I think I've chimed in a few times so maybe I shouldn't rehash, but I've put a great deal of thought into this too, although things always evolve at different points in time. I am definitely happy I stuck it out and kept working. I am not sure how much more I have left in me though.

First off I was never some intense career woman. But I was single a while so had built a career and my parents gave me a wonderful education so there was always potential. My mom was a SAHM - I would have been ok going that route, but being in a HCOL area and DH being in same income bracket as me makes it bit harder to pull the plug (I think your case is different).

I have been very lucky in that my mom has watched my kids from day 1 (age 5 and almost 2) so that took away some guilt factors. It also meant we could save more. We also did a big house reno, lots of expensive house projects which have paid off investment wise, bought new cars...all that we likely wouldn't have done had I quit. So the money is a factor...but how much more and how long, that's a tough one. Of course retirement accounts is also not something to write off so easily either.

In terms of work and career, mine took a shift for sure after kids. For one thing I negotiated a day from home. Great that I got it, but I'm quite sure they sidelined me in ways I can't pinpoint..but time home is money too to them. I also always leave at 5pm. I take every day off I'm given. These things don't make for a fast track career path! I also reached a fork in the road when I was given a choice to take a role in a more "front office" position and lose my 1 day at home OR go into a more mid-back office role and keep that day home and the nice hours. That was a ROUGH decision. The pay would have been the same, but not the potential. I took the latter (the mommy track jobO. It has been tough in that sometimes I feel I am not at my potential..I get frustrated with what gets dumped on me and so forth. Then other times I feel like I got the last laugh while I'm home with my kids more than any of them at a full salary! Being a working mom is truly the most challenging frustrating thing, because you just end up losing something somewhere. MY DH is pretty much quiet in terms of what he thinks, he just says he'll support whatever I decide. Which is nice, but then more pressure on my shoulders! And while many mention taking a few years off..really you have to think about that. It is not so easy to get back into a career after a year or 2..after 5 or 10 even worse. I've seen many moms try and realize they were no longer viable. So if you leave you will likey never go back or go into a different less career driven field....of course I'm in finance though,, that tmight be different in other more progressive fields.

The juggling is do-able but not easy...laundry, groceries, play time, buying everything on Amazon, thinking ahead to birthdays, activities..plus work, commute, office drama..there is little time for much else. You get used to it but doesn't mean it's ideal.
So what to do? For me I've heard it's becomes more important to be home (accessible, observing, participating) for your kids when they get older. As babies they need someone to change them, feed them, cuddle - but when they are older they need you in a different way that is harder to outsource, even to other family. So I am considering bowing out of this rat race when my first hits 1st grade (2 years). In that time, I will stash savings, be sure we're in a top public school district for the long haul, pay off our mortgage more. Having time helps. I may start putting out feelers for p/t work, just for that extra $ for the splurges on designer clothes ;). Honestly I just don't know how I'd make it work otherwise, with one in grade school and the 2nd still in preschool..other than nannies and aftercare, and not wanting to do that. I also know my girls' personalities....they really do value the time I'm home and express it. It's tough though, because there will be a hit to quality of life, retirement, self-fulfillment - but there's more room for that too once they're in school.

Such a long post but it is a big big topic for all of us I'm sure. What are your thoughts? I think if you feel overwhelmed just think short term. I mean I never thought I'd be looking at 7yrs at the same firm after my first was born same dreaded commute and all..but thank goodness I made it through those rough patches because now we do have more choices as a result.
 
steph, congrats on the new job, that is really exciting! And I agree that a long commute is a dealbreaker. That is a big consideration for me. Mine is about an hour door-to-door (not including drop-off). The only upside is that it's only 15 minutes of driving. I take a commuter rail into the city, so I can spend that time working or (more often) reading...I do enjoy having the time to read, but the commute just makes my entire day more crunched.

There is a company about 15 minutes from our house that I would like to work for. They don't have openings in my field very often, but I think it's my best long-term option. I feel like the long commute is just going to get harder as the kids get older.

Fiery, it's interesting that needing your job is more motivating to you. A good friend (she's in my mom group) is in the same boat. She's actually the bread winner in her family and has taken on a TON of projects since having her daughter. I don't know how she does it--she has a very supportive husband who works, but has basically taken on the bulk of all the domestic responsibilities including childcare. Anyway, she says that since having her daughter--and knowing the financial burden is mostly on her--she has a tough time turning anything down that could bring in more potential income.

Janine, I'm glad you chimed in because I know this is an issue for you, too. And it is really nice that your mother can help on the childcare front. Not just from a financial standpoint, but the fact that they get to see grandma every day is really nice.

I do feel like living in a HCOL area is a big consideration. I'm not the breadwinner, but my salary is nice because even with the high cost of childcare, it makes it easier to do all of those things you mentioned: home renos, savings, vacations, put more towards retirement, etc. And in a HCOL area, having the financial burden on one person is even tougher. Lately I've been talking with D about the option of moving. But realistically, I don't know if that's best for our family.

For now I'm doing what you mentioned: just focusing on the short-term with some ideas about what to do long-term. Do you think you could find a job in the 'burbs (closer to you)? Like I was saying to Steph, I think that going that route (ideally part-time) would be my best option, I just don't know how feasible it is. But like you, after this one is born I might start putting out some feelers. It can't hurt!

Babymonster, thanks for posting that article. I didn't read every page, but read most of it and enjoyed it. Definitely something to consider--like Janine said, I feel like once you jump out, it's really difficult to take a break and jump back in (depending on your field). Everything moves so fast these days, it's easy to feel "behind".

Tammy, given that this is your third child and you know about all the sacrifices you had to make when balancing working and being a mom, I have no doubt you've given this a ton of thought and are doing what is best for your family. It's really exciting that you know your decision and can just focus on it without the constant waffling and trying to figure out what to do. And it will make it that much nicer when you have your baby and can just focus on that without having the career question floating around all the time.

qt, I think having a not-terribly-demanding job while having young kids is ideal. You can walk out the door with no stress. Plus your commute isn't so bad and you have your MIL watching the kids, which is really nice. There is something to be said for having time away from them. I know that when I'm home after being away, it's very easy to for me to be in "mom" mode. And it's good to hear that you feel you're at a place where you can start to focus a little more on your career--makes me feel like there is some light at the end of the tunnel.
 
After working my entire career for 2 other companies within in the same industry, I quit my job when our son was 6 months, came home & opened my own consulting business. Hired a nanny & we have never looked back. He graduates this spring.

It was the best thing we ever did. This was back in the mid 1990's & home offices had just barely entered the lexicon. A bit of fear, but just forged ahead.

Income has been more net of commute time, wear & tear on automobile/gas, clothing/dry cleaning, lunches out, etc. Its been a dream come true. I really can't imagine going through what younger families have to go through in an effort to make it all work. We've been truly blessed.
sarahb
 
NewEnglandLady|1378239246|3514139 said:
Janine, I'm glad you chimed in because I know this is an issue for you, too. And it is really nice that your mother can help on the childcare front. Not just from a financial standpoint, but the fact that they get to see grandma every day is really nice.

I do feel like living in a HCOL area is a big consideration. I'm not the breadwinner, but my salary is nice because even with the high cost of childcare, it makes it easier to do all of those things you mentioned: home renos, savings, vacations, put more towards retirement, etc. And in a HCOL area, having the financial burden on one person is even tougher. Lately I've been talking with D about the option of moving. But realistically, I don't know if that's best for our family.

For now I'm doing what you mentioned: just focusing on the short-term with some ideas about what to do long-term. Do you think you could find a job in the 'burbs (closer to you)? Like I was saying to Steph, I think that going that route (ideally part-time) would be my best option, I just don't know how feasible it is. But like you, after this one is born I might start putting out some feelers. It can't hurt!


qt, I think having a not-terribly-demanding job while having young kids is ideal. You can walk out the door with no stress. Plus your commute isn't so bad and you have your MIL watching the kids, which is really nice. There is something to be said for having time away from them. I know that when I'm home after being away, it's very easy to for me to be in "mom" mode. And it's good to hear that you feel you're at a place where you can start to focus a little more on your career--makes me feel like there is some light at the end of the tunnel.
Click to expand...

To answer some of your ques..there is no answer that flows ideally, that is what is so difficult! I also considered moving away from HCOL area. But then income drops (if you move away from the city let's say where you work) and #2, typically a lower HCOL (not always) is related to the school district..and also resale value. In my case the school district is definitely related (property taxes etc). And having a less demanding job (why I chose my current role) does help in that you have fixed hours and work stays at work, but you still have to deal with 8-10hrs away, childcare, work drama, juggling errands and the commute. Part time (especially in the burbs) always sounds ideal, but in those cases it's a big pay cut plus a job that is not that fulfilling - so it's tough. I am considering it though, be nice to find a small firm who needs a person here and there. It's a combination of prioritizing and sacrifice I suppose....and the ever elusive perfect timing. Also, the retirement account is piece many forget and company match (it's not just commute + childare costs if we are just talking $). Did you read a recent NYT article of a career woman (trader I think) who left when her kids arrived and came to regret it (she left in the 80's). It was an interesting, not often mentioned perspective but touched alot of nerves ..and no real answers.
 
pancake|1377656221|3511105 said:
THAT SAID, the further along I go, the more the conflict in my head resolves in a particular way - which is that I have 30 years to have a career, if it takes me an extra 5 or 6 years to get there, or if I don't scale the heights I think I "could have" or "should have", all will be well. I won't get these family/childbearing years back, so I need to let that happen now and get as much as I possibly can out of it whilst keeping work simmering along (or treading water) until such a time or opportunity that I can pick it up and run without unreasonably compromising the work-life balance I want.
Click to expand...

I am trying very hard to think of it this way!

NewEnglandLady|1377702974|3511309 said:
I think about that a lot--I'm 32 and while our goal is to retire in our 50's, that's still decades away.
Click to expand...

My dad retired in his early sixties. For eight months. Then he unretired himself because he was bored of traveling. :roll:

I am hoping I can have babies in the lull between campaign seasons - I hear you can't plan it but I've seen a number of political operatives do it - because lots of people are underemployed in off years anyway, and it is more likely I'd be able to find 20-hr/week contract work that could be done mainly from home. Not ideal, not a ton of money, but keeps me from having to totally start over. I did that this year and don't even have a baby and am getting lots of calls for interviews now that hiring is starting up. It's possible I could work in a elected official's office - idk if they have maternity leave or not but if they did that would be ideal, even if just a few weeks. I have no idea how it will all shake out, basically! I do know that even though I like that being a SAHM is a clear path and would give me a clear idea of what I will be doing, I don't think I would be happy as a SAHM long-term. I think for six to eight months I would be happy and then I would feel the itch to work. But idk.
 
Of course I respect everybody's choice about being a sahm or a working parent, but for me, I wanted to continue to work even after having my daughter. While I love my little girl, I also need the balance of having work and adult time. My situation is also a little different in that I work from home, so I don't have a commute, I only have to take my daughter to daycare, which is just a couple minutes away. As for my job itself, I work for a small family owned company, so there isn't much room to move up persay. But, they treat me well and value my effort, so that's nice. Because I work from home, I also travel once a month or so, but I am okay with that, as I get to socialize a bit (besides with my cats or dog). Overall, I find that I work less late nights/long hours, because I don't want to spend that time away from my family, but that would be the biggest change. For the time being, I don't have any plans to leave the workforce, but time will tell.
 
Late but thought I would comment.

I have two kids and I am a pre-tenure prof at a research-oriented university.

The biggest change after having kids is I can't work evenings and weekends like I used to. When our older son was younger and went to bed at 6pm, sure it was still easy to work in the evening like I like to do. But now that he is 4.5 and goes to bed at 9pm, that is out the window (still naps in the day, so later night time). So my work day is just 10 to 5. Yes, I don't start until 10am. That makes mornings very nice in our house too.

My days are busier and I also need to focus on projects and not get distracted to get things done like I would like. I also find I am very forgetful of anything but the most essential things. So I have a lab manager now who helps keep me on track. That helps. But I think my productivity is down from the pre-kids era.

Still, when I need to I will work evenings or weekends and my husband just has to pick up that slack. Thankfully he is supportive. And on the whole we have a good routine, in large part because we have no commute at all, hubby works at home, and I can ride my bike to work. It all combines to make life simpler and allow me to focus on work and not other silly things like organizing life and juggling schedules. We purposely arranged our living situation to be super simple. But if it was not, if we had a long drive or something, then that would have been a change post-kids -- the simplification of life. Dropping uneccesary responsibilities and simplying the daily routine so that everyone can breath and have more time to themselves and to do the things they love. Which for me, includes work.
 
I quit my job when my daughter was born to be a SAHM. Above all, I wanted to be there for my kids. When I was 8 my parents separated and divorced three years later. My mom got a job and I became a latchkey kid. I do not want my kids to experience that. I want to be here every day when they get home from school. They are now 8 and almost 10. I am lucky that DH is on the same page as I am. His career continues to be more and more demanding so I do the 50's housewife thing. He does help around the house quite a bit, mostly with cleaning the kitchen. It somehow relaxes him because it is mindless. I cook a lot so that is a good thing that he is willing to clean up the mess no matter how bad it is. I had my kids late in life at 40 and 42 so I didn't feel like I was giving up some fabulous career when I quit. Hopefully my husband won't have an affair and dump me because I am probably not terribly marketable in the workplace anymore. Luckily, I handle all of the finances so he would have trouble cleaning out the accounts before I noticed. :)
 
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