How did your partner feel about your upgrade?

[upgradeposter]

New poster, apologies if this is the wrong forum. I have had a crazy journey with my engagement ring. Initially, due to miscommunication between my partner and I my first engagement ring was not what I wanted. We upgraded after a few years and it was a beautiful ring, but not my "dream" ring I envisioned.

After wearing this ring for a year, I finally worked up the courage to let them know that although I couldn't express how much I appreciated their effort and time, I just wasn't happy with it. We decided I would find my dream stone and take care of it. They were very supportive so I purchased the perfect stone and I feel like it has complicated things.

We definitely have the funds and both contribute, so it's not (or shouldn't be) a money thing. I feel they are low key frustrated with my decision and say they understand but aren't happy. I'm worried about resentment and would love to hear if others have had similar experiences?

 

[yssie]

Forgive me - I’ve read your post a few times and I’m a little lost on who the “they” is - is it the jewellers your partner worked with? Or in laws or something?

Ultimately anything to do with your ring is strictly between you and your partner, so my default reaction is to tell anyone else who feels entitled to an opinion to kindly shove off...

 

[MamaBear]

Im sorry your journey has had these bumps in the road. I think it’s so important to keep the communication flowing through the process. It’s up to each of us to share our feelings and be honest with each other. You can’t be left guessing what/how someone is feeling, as that’s a burden to the relationship. I’d encourage you to tell your partner what you are sensing and see if he can either assure you or confirm your suspicions. In my own relationship, my upgrade was discussed prior to purchase. I knew the rough budget and it was fun. Best of luck to you!!

 

[upgradeposter]

Forgive me - I’ve read your post a few times and I’m a little lost on who the “they” is - is it the jeweller your partner worked with? Or in laws or something?

Ultimately anything to do with your ring is strictly between you and your partner, so my default reaction is to tell anyone else who feels entitled to an opinion to kindly shove off...

Oh, sorry. "They" refers to my partner in this post. My partner was supportive of me finding my dream stone (we discussed finances, etc. extensively and it frankly was not a big chunk for us) but now that I have it I feel my partner is frustrated. I've asked them about it over the last few weeks and they won't admit they're upset so I'm just wondering if they need time to adjust to the idea and if anyone else has gone through something similar.

 

[yssie]

Oh! Okay I’m following now.

My partner wasn’t low-key frustrated - he was high-key irritated!! Until he realized that me being happy with something I wear every single day was more important to him than dubiously assigned sentimorality (seems like the right word splice here)

I think the fact that you both care enough to think about about how the other is feeling is a really good start!

 

[Tourmaline]

This is an issue that my husband and I tackled over many years. We actually had a big argument about it during a romantic trip before we got engaged. He said “it’s the thought that counts” and I disagreed intensely. He thought I was being materialistic and I explained that if I was going to be wearing a ring, it needed to reflect my personality. I won him over, and we went ring shopping together. Fast forward 10 years, and I really wanted a totally different shape than I had wanted when we got engaged. He was put off and sentimental at first, but he got over it, and we traded in the first one (emerald cut) toward a round. Five years after that, I wanted a change again, and then another one a couple of years later. It is no longer an issue for him. He has realized that it’s not a reflection on my feelings about our relationship, and he isn’t bothered by it anymore.

I think and hope that your partner will get over it in time, and will love that you love the ring you are wearing.

 

[mwilliamanderson]

I wouldn't worry about the resentment piece. I'm sure ultimately, they want you to be happy. Mamabears advice is great! All you can do is continue to be open and honest as you have been. Maybe you can take a break from the process for a while so you can enjoy your new diamond while you spend lots of time finalizing the setting you're going to get. For many of us here, the perfect setting this year is the one we're ready to replace by next year, lol. They'll get used to it.

@yssie Sentimorality! I'm totally using that!

 

[Cerulean]

I totally understand. I imagine this too shall pass.

My spouse is terribly sentimental whereas I am not.

I replaced my original diamond before we even got married! And I even picked it! But, I didn’t understand my preferences until I wore it for months and I underestimated how particular I was.

It took me months and multiple resets to fess up that I wanted a full replacement. We had many discussions about it, some good, some not. He’d be supportive, but then if we revisited the conversation he’d revert back to being sentimental. It was frustrating, but then, he was probably frustrated too. We definitely got over it though. I also conceded on keeping the original which impacted replacement budget to make him feel better about it.

I’ve converted him from being a die-hard sentimentalist who never even imagined that ANYONE would upgrade or change their ring, to someone who spontaneously offering (on his own) that one day he wanted me to have multiple wedding sets. Yippee!

Don’t fret. Keep the dialogue going. When it’s an emotional topic, there will be ebbs and flows in the productivity of the conversations in my experience. Sometimes, timing is everything!

 

[LLJsmom]

At this point, resigned...

But 10 years ago, flabbergasted. "Honey, I spent $xxx. Can you please help me with the wire transfer?" was the only warning he got. I didn't try very hard to explain, nor wait for him to get over it. I just plowed ahead and he hung on. (I was going through a kinda mid-life crisis.)

Oh, sorry. About the original stone? He didn't want me to change it. So no prob, I spent additional money since I could not get any credit for the old stone.

Hmmmm. I guess being considerate is not my strong point...

 

[upgradeposter]

Wow thank you all so much for sharing!! This is definitely helpful to hear and I'll gently bring it up again with my partner. I think part of it also is that I was thinking about this for years and my partner just heard of it a few months ago! Good reminder to keep that in mind. I truly believe he just wants me to finally be happy with my ring.

Thank you all again this really helps.

 

[maryjane04]

I have a similar issue with my husband. I finally got my upgrade but now itching for a reset. I guess he was frustrated for years that I can't be happy with one ring but then I point to him and his car collection and its the same lol I don't complain about his car collection and he doesn't complain about my jewellery simples!

 

[molecule]

My husband was extremely sentimental towards the ring he picked out and proposed with. He put a lot of thought into all of the details. After we were robbed and it was stolen, he would have reordered exactly the same one.

I had to fess up that our tastes were not totally aligned and instead we both choose aspects that we loved, aesthetically and sentimentally to combine it into a ring that represents us, that we both love. I recognize that part of his issue was that a ring chosen only by me wouldn't have been a ring that represented us. It would have only represented me - similar to the story of The Bachelor that proposed to two different people with the same ring, as if both fiancées were the same person with the same tastes.

Maybe your partner wants to feel like part of the decision?

 

[Dancing Fire]

Rule #1...don't tell your SO.

 

[Gussie]

At this point, resigned...

But 10 years ago, flabbergasted. "Honey, I spent $xxx. Can you please help me with the wire transfer?" was the only warning he got. I didn't try very hard to explain, nor wait for him to get over it. I just plowed ahead and he hung on. (I was going through a kinda mid-life crisis.)

Oh, sorry. About the original stone? He didn't want me to change it. So no prob, I spent additional money since I could not get any credit for the old stone.

Hmmmm. I guess being considerate is not my strong point...

I think we are long lost sisters!

I recently obtained a 2nd ering set and he asked me, "I thought you were done upgrading." Me, "This isn't an upgrade; it's a whole different set, duh!"

 

[AprilBaby]

When I got married no one upgraded ever. At 25 years I wanted a ring to reflect where we had come in life. At first it was a hard sell but his sister upgraded and my ring was tiny. I got my upgrade and my tiny diamond went in a pendant. Last year we could not travel so we upgraded again. It is 41 years in September.

 

[MamaBee]

My husband was also resigned..haha..I say was because I’m done upgrading the diamond. I did tell him I may eventually reset the diamond…He doesn’t say anything now..He just smirks..I kind of feel bad for him..kind of…

 

[MamaBear]

When I got married no one upgraded ever. At 25 years I wanted a ring to reflect where we had come in life. At first it was a hard sell but his sister upgraded and my ring was tiny. I got my upgrade and my tiny diamond went in a pendant. Last year we could not travel so we upgraded again. It is 41 years in September.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding anniversary, @AprilBaby !!

 

[MamaBee]

I think we are long lost sisters!

I recently obtained a 2nd ering set and he asked me, "I thought you were done upgrading." Me, "This isn't an upgrade; it's a whole different set, duh!"

Where are the photos of the other set @Gussie?

 

[daisygrl]

When I told my husband I wanted to upgrade (after only 14 months of having my "dream" ring), he did not like it. I explained to him (gently and diplomatically) that I would go down with color and up in size and that would save us some money (it did not, lol). He thought about it and agreed. So when WF got the size I wanted, I told him I would go for it, explaining that who knows when they are going to get the stone of the size, color...etc I want again. I added that if I miss out on this one, I might not be able to upgrade for a while ... To my huge surprise, he agreed. I am not sure how but he did.

When I received the stone and loved it, I told him, "if it were not an I color, it would be my forever stone." My husband smiled. I found it odd that he was not rolling his eyes or something similar, so I asked him, "Why are you smiling?" He replied, "All I heard was 'my forever stone.' " Now, I know why men seem so care-free. It is because of their selective hearing.

 

[seaurchin]

I seem to want some type of wedding set change every few years. The previous ones were usually upgrades. This time I want a "downgrade" because I don't like wearing and worrying about a diamond that's large enough to get a lot of notice.

If my husband felt strongly sentimental about it I'd probably just get a nice right hand ring instead. But I don't really expect to like the same wedding set for life any more than I'd expect to like the same clothing styles or hairstyle for life.

Also, I think it's very common to decide you're not as crazy about any jewelry piece as you thought you'd be right away too, since most of us are not professional jewelry designers.

My husband doesn't seem to mind the wedding set changes. We just talk about it and figure out the budget. Then I show him endless examples of what I might like while he pretends to be interested lol. I usually get it for a big occasion.

One thing I know he wouldn't like though is if he felt like I was unhappy with the old set all along when he thought he'd done well and made me happy. So I definitely try to put a positive spin on the desire for a change.

 

[Dandi]

I asked my hubby how he'd feel if I reset my 3 stone, yellow gold e-ring, into a 5 stone, rose gold version. He blinked and said 'whatever makes you happy'. I think that was his way of saying 'go for it, but I don't really want to be involved in the process' Which suits me, I love researching and organising my own jewellery!

He wants me to be happy, but doesn't really 'get it' regarding jewellery. Although when I likened it to the constant upgrades to his mustang, he sort of got the idea!

 

[maryjane04]

He wants me to be happy, but doesn't really 'get it' regarding jewellery. Although when I likened it to the constant upgrades to his mustang, he sort of got the idea!

Hahaha this!! Exactly how my hubby is as well!! I would rather spend my money on jewellery not cars because cars get pranged and stuff hahaha. At least we have our own hobbies

 

[Dandi]

Hahaha this!! Exactly how my hubby is as well!! I would rather spend my money on jewellery not cars because cars get pranged and stuff hahaha. At least we have our own hobbies

Amen to that, sista! I remind hubby that I don't have to pay annual registration on my jewellery

 

[maryjane04]

Amen to that, sista! I remind hubby that I don't have to pay annual registration on my jewellery

Hahaha my hubby finally got "club reg" so it means discounted registration. I still don't think it makes it any better hahaha. But if he doesn't tell me to sell my jewellery I won't tell him to sell his cars

 

[Bron357]

Everybody has their “thing” and it’s difficult for others to understand why something is so very important.
Most guys have zero interest in gems and jewellery and some I’m sure think any $$ spent is frivolous yet the same guy covets a stainless steel exhaust upgrade for the car or a surround sound system to match the 100 inch TV or the latest gaming computer.
To me an engagement ring has to be “right”.
It’s the one piece of jewellery worn every day, if possible (some careers, activities are not compatible with engagement rings) so its money well spent in terms of usage and enjoyment.
I have girlfriends and a daughter who have zero interest in jewellery and prefer to spend their $$$ elsewhere. And good luck to them and everyone else spending $$$ on hobbies or experiences or whatever.
Each to their own and to respecting each others choices without prejudice!

 

[MillieLou]

I asked my hubby how he'd feel if I reset my 3 stone, yellow gold e-ring, into a 5 stone, rose gold version. He blinked and said 'whatever makes you happy'. I think that was his way of saying 'go for it, but I don't really want to be involved in the process' Which suits me, I love researching and organising my own jewellery!

Exactly the same here. "Sure, whatever you want, just leave me out of it"

I replaced my original diamond before we even got married! And I even picked it! But, I didn’t understand my preferences until I wore it for months and I underestimated how particular I was.

Yep this happened here too (though I replaced - quite soon - after we were married). Though DH didn't mind at all, I felt bad that I had chosen the original and still wanted to change it. But you just don't know until you're wearing it every day. And tastes change. It's just jewellery - it can be as sentimental or unsentimental as you want it to be.

sentimorality

THIS right here is the word I've been searching for, to describe the prevailing UK attitude towards engagement / wedding rings. "I am sentimental and you need to be too or you're a bad person"

 

[Bron357]

With my engagement ring, the original ring was Art Deco and the setting a bit too “delicate” so I had it reset. I went with the three main diamonds set against each other with a bezel setting around the trio because I’m very rough on rings!
The setting was, as I appreciated when back from the remake, a little too solid and weighty. The remake wasn’t cheap, the ring was like 15 grams of platinum. And I didn’t ask for “cut outs” to fit my wedding ring and later eternity ring. So it was a bit odd looking on the finger with gaps between the three rings.
My finger size changed, fatter, and I realised because of how the diamonds were set I couldn’t resize the ring up enough to fit. So it sat for quite a while in the jewel box while I just wore my wedding ring and eternity ring.
I gave the final reset a lot of thought.
I went through hundreds of photos of art deco style rings and rings with Emerald cuts. I considered adding coloured gems into the mix. In the end I went with all diamonds, though I added in some small rounds and two kite shape in 18ct white gold rhrodium plated. I never really liked the look of platinium.
Its been a few years since and still every time I look down at it I fall in love all over again.

 

[oncrutchesrightnow]

I upgraded and regretted it. Both for sentimentality and for my husband’s feelings. If I had to do it over again I would wait five years and buy a second ring.

 

[Gussie]

Where are the photos of the other set @Gussie?

Here it is!

Antique OMC cluster by Sako with SS Makayla band

I have been trying to be good and stop stuffing my jewelry box with things that I love but never wear. I tend to wear the same pieces over and over so I was definitely hesitant to have a 2nd ering made. Wow! Am I glad I did! I have worn this awesome antique French OMC cluster component...

www.pricescope.com

 

[heididdl]

New poster, apologies if this is the wrong forum. I have had a crazy journey with my engagement ring. Initially, due to miscommunication between my partner and I my first engagement ring was not what I wanted. We upgraded after a few years and it was a beautiful ring, but not my "dream" ring I envisioned.

After wearing this ring for a year, I finally worked up the courage to let them know that although I couldn't express how much I appreciated their effort and time, I just wasn't happy with it. We decided I would find my dream stone and take care of it. They were very supportive so I purchased the perfect stone and I feel like it has complicated things.

We definitely have the funds and both contribute, so it's not (or shouldn't be) a money thing. I feel they are low key frustrated with my decision and say they understand but aren't happy. I'm worried about resentment and would love to hear if others have had similar experiences?

The hubby is happy for my to have "projects" he used to contribute for holidays , birthday or I love you days. But doesn't want to hear the details of the hunt or the thrill I have of creating the project (I just upgraded my studs). But yes my partner is happy when I am happy