How do you deal with people and questions?

[fieryred33143]

I’m sure that all of my ladies in waiting have dealt with the question that just pierces through your skin: When is he going to propose??

In my personal life, no one really asks. My family knows where we are in our relationship and so do our closest friends, but in my professional life I can’t seem to shake the questions. It’s Christmas, do you think he’ll propose? Is he going to propose to you this weekend? *Gasp* you’re going to the Keys, OMG maybe he’ll propose!!

Normally it doesn’t get to me. I usually just laugh it off or make a joke out of it but there are days when the questions will literally bring me to tears. I remember this one priceless moment when a Director at my company decided to ask me when was my FF going to propose in front of my entire Department during a break in a meeting. That wasn’t the bad part. The bad part was when she proceeded to say “I had a baby, came back, worked, got pregnant, had the baby, came back from maternity leave and he STILL hasn’t proposed. He never will, get over it.”

I was floored. But had I told her what I really wanted to say, I would have left in tears AND a pink slip LOL.

So how do you ladies deal with the questions? What do you say?

 

[Lauren8211]

I usually want to respond with "Well, when are you going to start losing weight?"

That''ll shut em up!

But really, I just stand as a united front with my boyfriend. I don''t say anything about him dragging his feet, even jokingly, because it makes you look a little desperate.

I just respond with "We take marriage seriously, and we''ll do it when we''re comfortable"

Respondingly confidently will also shut people up!

 

[ahappygirl]

My response would be: When I''ll decide to say yes. (smile)

Honestly, we got engaged so fast after meeting (2 1/2 mos) that people we more like, what? Who? I''m sure a lot of them were thinking it wouldn''t last long! We had our 10 yr anniversary 2 mos ago.

 

[Patiently_Waiting]

I have responded similarly to Lauren - just letting those that ask know that we take it seriously and will do it when it is the right time for us. For those that are rude enough to keep asking even after that explanation, I just kind of blow them off. I''ve even had a co-worker ask me on several occasions why I don''t have children yet

. For some people, nothing is off limits.

 

[StarvingMusician]

I''m the same way, where our friends don''t ask us much. We''re both in fields where people usually don''t get married young, so since I''m on the younger side, almost no one asks.

My family is more questioning...they want to make us "legit". My boyfriend asked my parents last week, and my mom has been asking almost every day...

I just tell her, maybe he changed his mind. Maybe we''re going to break up. She usually figures out to just leave me alone.

 

[fieryred33143]

style="WIDTH: 111.6%; HEIGHT: 84px">Date: 6/2/2008 9:30:45 AM
Author: StarvingMusician
I''m the same way, where our friends don''t ask us much. We''re both in fields where people usually don''t get married young, so since I''m on the younger side, almost no one asks.

It''s funny you mention that because this particular Director got married at 34. I''m only 26 and yet she acts as if I''m way behind.

 

[Bliss]

I'm in the minority here, but as a LIW sympathizer... I think the questions are slightly evil.

Seriously. I haven't ever been peppered with these types of questions, but I have been witness to several people being bombarded with them. And they're typically posed by busybodies or sadistic people who get off on other people's anxiety or challenging times. I always step in and say loudly, "WHEN THEY'RE READY, THAT'S WHEN!" Hahaha. Really, it's a very personal decision and I don't get why people put others on the spot like that. It's so ungracious.

I always step in! So I gotcha backs, ladies!

But seriously, I think people have boring lives and want some drama or they're just mean. Seriously, unless you're 90 years old and a sweet grandma, there is no excuse for tormenting poor LIWs! When they're ready, they'll get engaged... MMMMKAAAAY? LOL!!!!!

Usually if someone says something mean, it's a reflection of their lives...not yours. So I guess the answer is to be as compassionate as possible because if their lives were happy and if they felt complete, they wouldn't be in everyone else's business! Booyah!

 

[gwendolyn]

Almost all of the comments I''ve received from family, friends and co-workers have been with a caring, sweet intent, so I don''t mind those so much. I''ve been getting these questions for years, and I usually say, "Hey, if you were dating someone for years who lived on another continent, don''t you think you''d want to at least live in the same country before committing to marriage?" Of course, that one doesn''t work now since J and I ARE in the same country--200 miles apart though, so we''re going to live together first before we make it official. He''s ready, but I just want to live a normal life with him first before we promise to say some vows.

The one comment that was not so sweet was from an aunt of mine (oh, haha, and my godmother too, although you''d never know it since she can''t even spell my name--AND got me an ID bracelet once when I was younger). Anyway, she kept pressing and pressing to know when J and I were going to get married and where it would be and what our budget will be and what sort of venue we want and how it would compare to her daughter''s (who is getting married this summer and is having a RIDICULOUSLY expensive wedding) how even if we got married in Europe she''d DEFINITELY be there (um, you weren''t invited?). No doubt to compare and contrast against her daughter''s wedding to find my lacking! Well, I''m not going to spend over a hundred grand on ONE DAY because that''s insane, and I don''t want anyone at my wedding who will be there to criticize everything! Blarg.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/2/2008 9:06:30 AM
Author:fieryred33143
I remember this one priceless moment when a Director at my company decided to ask me when was my FF going to propose in front of my entire Department during a break in a meeting. That wasn’t the bad part. The bad part was when she proceeded to say “I had a baby, came back, worked, got pregnant, had the baby, came back from maternity leave and he STILL hasn’t proposed. He never will, get over it.”

I was floored. But had I told her what I really wanted to say, I would have left in tears AND a pink slip LOL.

Are you kidding? That is one of the most unprofessional things I have ever heard anyone say. I hope you lodged a formal complaint. That was seriously uncalled for.

 

[Rhea]

I felt like I got a lot of questions in one of my previous relationship. Thing is, I''m only mid-20s now and have been in this relationship for 5 years so my previous relationship was really quite early, 19-22.

I went to a university in an area where it was odd not to graduate with a ring on your finger. The bible belt, people didn''t want to disappoint their parents by living together before marriage, and marriage was really the only way to stand up for your relationship and explain that you were both looking for jobs in the same area of the country. Sad really. Anyway, lots of pressure. I cried a few times when people asked. I didn''t necessarily want to get married and especially not to that guy, but the pressure of constantly having to explain yourself is so tiring and makes you feel like the odd woman out.

No snappy comebacks from me, just lots of crying and self-doubt about not fitting in.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 6/2/2008 9:06:30 AM
Author:fieryred33143

I’m sure that all of my ladies in waiting have dealt with the question that just pierces through your skin: When is he going to propose

So how do you ladies deal with the questions? What do you say?

PERFECT timing for this question! I need similiar help!

My SO and I have been together for almost 5 years, and his younger brother is getting married next month. The brother and his FI have only been together on and off for a few years, got secretly engaged in January and the situation has been a bit crazy with the fams not being very enthused/supportive about the pairing, as well as other issues. (gotta love familes!) ANYway, SO''s family LOVES me, and would love for SO and I to get married, (they have been asking for years now, talking about how happy they will be to have me as a daughter-in-law, etc) so I am anticipating a LOT of these types of questions/comments at the wedding, and I am not sure how to respond. I used to get totally freaked, and I could always say that we hadn''t really discussed it, but that''s not exactly true anymore, and right now, marriage is not really on the horizon...

So, what am I supposed to say!?!

(hope I am not stealing your "fire" Fiery!)

 

[mayachel]

Ahappygirl Your response is priceless. I''d love to see the look on their face. All the same, what bugs me about the question is, that implies I''m pinning away for him to ask me, and I can''t possibly be happy, complete until he does. Now, my own inner monologue on this is fair game for you ladies, but random clients at work? Nu uh. Sometimes I say, "Soon I''m sure, we just are so busy these days we haven''t gotten around to it." If it is his family, or someone who knows us both, "You''ll have to ask him." Especially within family settings, I hate that it''s always directed to me. Even when it is just polite chit chat.

 

[Izzy03]

Thanks for asking this question!!

I just went to a wedding on my SO''s side of the family and they were all asking us when we are going to get married. The groom even walking over and handed the garter to my SO when it was time for garter throwing. Every single time we were asked the question, we were speechless, not to mention it launched me into another "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PROPOSE?!" frenzy.

 

[dragonfly411]

I keep getting the "When are you guys going to get MARRIED?!" and I simply say... "when he asks"


Seriously, is it anyone''s business anyway? be happy, enjoy life, forget them.

 

[glitterbug]

First of all, what that woman at your company said was tremendously unprofessional, unwarranted, and just plain RUDE!

How did you respond?! I probably would have excused myself to the bathroom and shed a few angry tears! I''m sorry you had to deal with that.

My BF and I are delayed on our road to engagement because of a recent job loss that not too many people know about. We''ve been together more than 3 years and yes, it hurts every time someone asks (I won''t lie!), but I know in my heart of hearts that the reason is NOT because we don''t want to get engaged! And I''m sure it''s the same for you and all the ladies here too. What we usually say is that we hope to get married sometime next year... for some reason that satisfies most. Of course, there ARE those people who''ll respond with... "Wait - are you ENGAGED?" To which we politely say... no, not yet. It''s really frustrating, but what can you do.

I just think it''s none of anyone''s business to pry, because you just never know what''s going on in a couple''s world. It would almost be akin to asking a married couple why they haven''t had children yet, which, despite being in bad taste, is another all-too-common and inconsiderate question, too.

Sigh.

 

[Izzy03]

I agree, when people ask us it makes me feel like I am dying for an engagement and he is the one postponing. We are both dying to get married but my boyfriend is a realtor and we all know how poor that market is right now. How do you explain that to people?

You guys did give me an idea though. I think I should talk to my BF and let him know how these comments make me feel. That way we can come up with a response together and be ready when we are questioned by others. Anything beats that awkward silence that follows the question!

 

[Deelight]

Date: 6/2/2008 12:56:13 PM
Author: Bliss
I'm in the minority here, but as a LIW sympathizer... I think the questions are slightly evil.


Seriously. I haven't ever been peppered with these types of questions, but I have been witness to several people being bombarded with them. And they're typically posed by busybodies or sadistic people who get off on other people's anxiety or challenging times. I always step in and say loudly, 'WHEN THEY'RE READY, THAT'S WHEN!' Hahaha. Really, it's a very personal decision and I don't get why people put others on the spot like that. It's so ungracious.


I always step in! So I gotcha backs, ladies!

But seriously, I think people have boring lives and want some drama or they're just mean. Seriously, unless you're 90 years old and a sweet grandma, there is no excuse for tormenting poor LIWs! When they're ready, they'll get engaged... MMMMKAAAAY? LOL!!!!!


Usually if someone says something mean, it's a reflection of their lives...not yours. So I guess the answer is to be as compassionate as possible because if their lives were happy and if they felt complete, they wouldn't be in everyone else's business! Booyah!

Bliss You can come and hang out with me here anytime and I totally agree with you people who ask I find are generally unhappy in their own lives, exceptions to this are friends that ask nicely.

As others posters have mentioned this question is a burr in the LIW's side, I have gone home and cried so many times and had masses of fights with the BF over these questions it is infuriating that people ask and then judge so callously without any thought for the effect of the question that comes out of their mouth.

I wish I had a dollar for each time I heard that question seriously there was a time that I didn't get it at least 3-4 times a week from different people thing is boys here don't get that question. Once this woman who is a friend of FMIL gasped in amazement that I was not married to my BF because of the way his mum talks about me, so obviously my ringless state means that I am less worthy as a person and have even had a friend tell me once that I would never get engaged or married so just get over it, this was after I said one day if we get married

.

Personally I have found some of the easiest ways to deal is to deflect the question politely like "Oh he is over there why don't you ask him? Or I am sure that when or if we decide to get engaged between the both of us I think we can work out how to tell people.

If you tell off enough people politely they eventually stop asking.

 

[absolut_blonde]

I''m fortunate in that I haven''t encountered a lot of this YET. But it''s probably a matter of time -- once we move in together, I''m sure I''ll get more of it. Plus it hasn''t been that long yet, we''ve only been dating just under a year. With time...


Depending on the question, one good generic way to counter rude inquiries is with "Oh, why do you ask?" or "What makes you ask?". A lot of the time people are just left stunned because they were being nosy/prying and don''t know what to say! But that''s only if you want ot put them on the spot (albeit in a nice way, you can smile and be sickly sweet as you say it... haha).

Or like some other people have said, ''when he asks!'' is a good retort. Or you could just change the subject. Basically, just try to turn the situation around a bit so you''re not as on the spot.

Easier said than done, I''m sure, though!

 

[TryingAgain]

I don''t get the question much since we haven''t been together entirely too long. Sometimes I use sarcasm, "Neither of us wants to get married. We might just tattoo each others initials (which are both NG) on our backs." Other times I answer with the truth, "When the time is right."

I don''t feel bad when people ask. I''ve been there and pursued marriage with the wrong person because of feeling obligated by society. Whether he and I decide to run off tomorrow and get married or wait 10 years... I''m doing it on my terms with no doubts.

 

[ringless]

We''ve been together for almost 7 years, so I get this question a LOT. I just say "when the time is right".. and they usually will stop there. People understand for the most part that just because you''re together a while doesn''t mean you''re ready for marriage... but there are a handful who are always asking and it can be rather annoying.