How do you feel about heirloom rings?

[prettylnpink419]

I doubt any of you remember me but I was on the list probably a little over 2 years ago now when I was with my ex. It ended badly and I took some time to myself and then slowly started dating again. Fast forward a bit and I am now crazy in love with my new boyfriend (after a rough start) and we are enjoying living together as I just moved in with him in February. We've talked a lot about getting married, even started thinking about specific plans and I know now it is only a matter of time.

He really wants to get married 10/2013 and I told him I wanted at least a year to plan as I work full-time and am also in grad school full-time. However, we are both so excited and it is definitely going to happen sooner rather than later. He let it slip that it'll probably be in June/July. So definitely before August.

I had sent him pics of what I wanted and made sure my best friend was ready to help as well. I desperately wanted an AVC in an antique setting or a setting from van craeynest. He started talking to his parents about it (and they are thrilled and so happy) and his mom offered him his grandmother's engagement ring if we were interested. I was so excited about this possibility because I love the sentimental value and the stories that go along with older rings. But when he sent me pics of the ring it is obviously very different than what I was wanting originally. It is a RB in a very high/edwardian (i think) type setting from the 40s. It's beautiful but I'm not sure if it is me. I got to see it in person this weekend and it sure is pretty but again, still not necessarily what I wanted. I'm not even sure what kind of wedding band would match it.

I said yes that we could use it and it's even grown on me a little more. Both him and his mom told me we didn't have to use it if I didn't want to and that they know an engagement ring is a very personal choice, etc. and they won't be upset. I know that he feels a little like he's "cheaping" out and giving me a free ring when he had planned to spend 5-6k on a ring. I'm just so torn. I'm worried will I regret/resent not having what I really dreamed of down the road? Will it upset her if I take the ring, use it as my "for now" engagement ring but then upgrade before or shortly after the wedding?

I obviously don't want to damage my relationship with my future mother-in-law. And I do like the ring and would love to have it, just not sure I'll be as excited to show off my ring when I'm newly engaged/throughout the wedding process but I feel too selfish to use her ring AND ask for my own.

So...What are your thoughts on heirloom rings? Would you be happy with one for your engagement ring? Would you regret it? Should I just suck it up and be thrilled that she loves me enough to want to give it to me and settle? Wanted to get some thoughts from all of you lovely ladies on how you would proceed!

 

[Mico]

I guess it depends on the ring. My mother came out of the woodwork with settings AFTER we purchased ours, and I would have loved to set a diamond in one of them. My grandmother, however, has some PRETTY blingy NOT ME pieces that i couldn't wear as is. I'm the kind of person who would ask or mention that I was considering changing the setting and feel them out.

I love the idea of wearing it for awhile and then upgrading it with your own style later. You can mix and match which would give it special meaning

 

[junebug17]

Hope you don't mind an opinion from an older woman! Here's my gut reaction - you really don't seem to be excited about this ring being your engagement ring, so I think you should just politely tell your bf and his mom that you think the ring is pretty but just not what you had envisioned for your ering. They've already said that they'd understand if you wanted to go with something else. I just think that you're going to be wearing this ring for a long time, so it should be something you love and can feel excited about!

I don't think I'd wear the ring and then change it before or shortly after the wedding - that might cause some confusion and hurt feelings - I think it's better to be upfront right off the bat, so everyone is clear on how you feel.

I think an heirloom ring as an ering is a lovely idea, but only if the bride to be likes it!

Just my two cents - I'm curious to see what others think!

Oh, and glad to hear things are going so well for you!!

 

[Enerchi]

FMIL is saying she won't be upset if you not use it and you have expressed gratitude at the offer but if you aren't feeling it, you won't be happy. Could You use the diamond for the sentimental connection but set it in a new setting better suited to your taste?

PSers will definitely help you find a diamond and setting within his budget if you go "rogue" and not use the family ring.

Do what feels best for the two of you.You'll be a long time with the ring so if you don't like it now...you probably won't like it any more as time goes by!

(Junebug and I are thinking alike!)

 

[Rhea]

It depends on what you are permitted to do with the ring. Is it given with no strings attached? Could you change the setting? Is it a nice stone in the size you were looking for? Are colour and clarity mind clean for you? If so, I'd happily take it and re-set it and invest the entire budget in a setting. VC settings are very expensive.

 

[RebeccaMUA]

If I had the option to use the center stone but use some of the money he would have used for your ring on a fabulous setting, I would go that route. That way part of the ring is with you, yet entirely your own.

You could even have your birthstone put in the original setting and wear it as a RHR. That is if his mother is fine with it.

If you had to accept and wear the ring "as is" then I would politely decline.

 

[junebug17]

FMIL is saying she won't be upset if you not use it and you have expressed gratitude at the offer but if you aren't feeling it, you won't be happy. Could You use the diamond for the sentimental connection but set it in a new setting better suited to your taste?

PSers will definitely help you find a diamond and setting within his budget if you go "rogue" and not use the family ring.

Do what feels best for the two of you.You'll be a long time with the ring so if you don't like it now...you probably won't like it any more as time goes by!

(Junebug and I are thinking alike!)

Well, great minds do think alike Enerchi!

Resetting the stone in a new setting is an idea - just not sure if FMIL will be ok with taking the ring apart? It's definitely something to run by your SO to see what he thinks.

 

[Enerchi]

Oh for sure!!! Don't take it apart until you get the FMIL's approval on that... (speaking as someone who would not want a FDIL of mine to take something apart without asking first!)

 

[madelise]

FMIL is saying she won't be upset if you not use it and you have expressed gratitude at the offer but if you aren't feeling it, you won't be happy. Could You use the diamond for the sentimental connection but set it in a new setting better suited to your taste?

PSers will definitely help you find a diamond and setting within his budget if you go "rogue" and not use the family ring.

Do what feels best for the two of you.You'll be a long time with the ring so if you don't like it now...you probably won't like it any more as time goes by!

(Junebug and I are thinking alike!)

Well, great minds do think alike Enerchi!

Resetting the stone in a new setting is an idea - just not sure if FMIL will be ok with taking the ring apart? It's definitely something to run by your SO to see what he thinks.

That's what I'd do! and if you don't like the setting with a diamond, you can always replace a colored stone in that setting for a RHR or something for family functions, so that grandma and mom in law can see you loving the setting still

so yes, I'd actually LOVE to own an heirloom. I think it's so romantic to pass it down from generation to generation.. or skip every other from grandma to granddaughter.

 

[prettylnpink419]

Thanks for all of your comments. I guess I just feel like a little bit of a brat saying I want something else. I mean having someone offer you a diamond ring but to not be sure if you want it or not is such a "first world problem". It just means so much and the conversation I had with his mom about it and how excited she was meant to much to me. I don't think I can say no to using it. I do love it, don't get me wrong. It's just not what I envisioned for myself. Maybe when it's in my size and I can actually put it on my finger I'll feel more comfortable and at ease with it.

I love the history that comes with it and it certainly is romantic to think about how excited his grandmother must have been when she got engaged and all of the amazing moments she went through while wearing that ring and that now it will be mine as I start my life with him. A little part of his family, his grandmother (who I never got to meet as she passed away shortly before we met), with me throughout this journey.

BF is completely on my side if I want something else or he even suggested resetting it in the future or getting something new all together. Not sure how his mom feels but he said she doesn't think she'd mind. I think I've pretty much decided to use the ring as is for the engagement (provided they are able to size it up - a concern I have because of the style of the setting) and then maybe hint to the fact that AVC earrings or a pendant would be lovely as my "something new" for the wedding day to tide me over for a few years.

So I guess where I'm kind of stuck now... is what kind of wedding band would look good with that specific style. If I post a picture I'd love for some ideas from all of you lovely ladies!!

Hmm...now to figure out how to add a picture or 2. It's been so long!

ETA: Ok, so I have no idea how to post a picture. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Is there directions listed somewhere? Feeling like a goober! Thanks!

 

[audball]

I DO remember you!! Do you remember me?! You're back from my original time here as well! First off, congrats on your new found happiness!!

Second, it seems you've already made a decision. To upload photos, hit the "post reply" button as you would to make a post. Just below the text box is a blue panel with tabs. The second tab says "upload attachment". Click that tab and there will be a place for you to click "choose file" and select it from your computer. Make sure to hit "add the file" (a blue button to the right of the choose file button) in order for it to attach to your post. There must be SOMETHING typed in the text box in order for the post to go through (it won't allow picture only posts). Then just hit submit like you normally would. Hope this helps! I want to seeeeee itttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!

 

[madelise]

ooh me too me too, I wanna see!

 

[prettylnpink419]

Here goes...these are a few pics of the ring I took when I got to see it this past weekend. It has not been sized or cleaned yet. It's just been sitting in a little box for quite some time. Don't mind my chubby little fingers! I suppose I should get a manicure soon!

Hopefully these aren't huge...if so, I apologize in advance!

Aud - I do remember you! I'm most a lurker, never really left but didn't feel like I had much to contribute either. I have followed your story though and am so so so happy for you and absolutely adore your beautiful new ring. It's so funny how things work out sometimes! It is really true that sometimes things fall apart so better things can come together.

Thanks for the info on how to load the pics!!

 

[prettylnpink419]

Here's the last one...for now, at least until it gets sized although I'm not sure I'll be able to see it again until the actual proposal.

 

[prettylnpink419]

We have no idea what the size is currently but it's obviously small compared to my chubby 8.5 maybe 9 size finger. I'm worried that the setting might not be able to sized. What do you guys think?

I don't really know anything about the ring yet, no stats, or anything to share but I can certainly share once we get it looked at. I don't think it's a modern RB, maybe transitional? It's from the 40s, that's about all I know.

 

[audball]

Here goes...these are a few pics of the ring I took when I got to see it this past weekend. It has not been sized or cleaned yet. It's just been sitting in a little box for quite some time. Don't mind my chubby little fingers! I suppose I should get a manicure soon!

Hopefully these aren't huge...if so, I apologize in advance!

Aud - I do remember you! I'm most a lurker, never really left but didn't feel like I had much to contribute either. I have followed your story though and am so so so happy for you and absolutely adore your beautiful new ring. It's so funny how things work out sometimes! It is really true that sometimes things fall apart so better things can come together.

Thanks for the info on how to load the pics!!

Aww, thanks! Glad to see you're back to happy yourself! I think the ring is very pretty! You're right, though...a band will be tricky. It doesn't really look conducive to wearing a band with it. Hmm..let me think on it. No problem on the picture help! PS 2.0 is way harder to navigate than PS 1.0 was!

I'm not sure if it's sizeable. Looking at the pictures it looks like there is lots of detailing. It also depends on how much. Most jewelers don't recommend sizing even sizeable rings more than 2 sizes (1 up or 1 down). You'll just have to take it in and see.

 

[Enerchi]

It's a lovely ring - thanks for posting photos.

Looks delicate so not sure how much sizing room would be allowed.

Do you love it enough to be thrilled to wear it for life? I like the earlier suggestion of using the setting for a coloured stone and the diamond for something that makes you insane with joy when you look at it and show it off. I sort of feel like the family is leaving you an out to chose something else, recognizing that the heirloom piece is not everyone's taste.

 

[audball]

It's a lovely ring - thanks for posting photos.

Looks delicate so not sure how much sizing room would be allowed.

Do you love it enough to be thrilled to wear it for life? I like the earlier suggestion of using the setting for a coloured stone and the diamond for something that makes you insane with joy when you look at it and show it off. I sort of feel like the family is leaving you an out to chose something else, recognizing that the heirloom piece is not everyone's taste.

Agreed. It IS lovely. But your initial post really SCREAMED that it isn't *you*. I'd ask if they'd be okay with you using the stone and putting it in a setting that you love (that can also easily be worn with a wedding band). That's my only issue with it, I WANT a wedding band and I feel like most would go awkwardly with it due to it's style.

I'd probably want to use his grandma's stone in my setting of choice and put a beautiful BLUE stone in her ring to wear on my right hand. You have her diamond in a more modern setting, her setting as your something old and something blue.

Also IF you're considering taking it apart to redo in any way (it sounded like a maybe option from some posts above), I'd have it looked at for it's cut quality. It may be a good candidate for a tiny partial recut to make his grandma's stone a real performer and last another generation to be passed down again someday.

ETA: I hope I don't get flamed for the partial recut suggestion. I have NO IDEA what the cut quality is like on it as is and it's hard to tell from the pictures you posted. Stones from the 40s are hit or miss based on cut and PSers love cut quality = sparkle. I really hope my sincere intention isn't misinterpreted as it not being good enough. It is a LOVELY ring. I'd only even personally look into it if I were going to dismantle it anyway.

 

[prettylnpink419]

I honestly don't know if I can answer that. I didn't want an RB, so I'm not sure even if we reset it if I'd be happy with it FOREVER. I really had my heart set on a cushion.

I'm afraid it might not be able to be resized properly anyway so we'll have to see what the jeweler says about that and then go from there.

I did think about using the diamond in another setting and having a colored stone reset into the original and to use that as a RHR but the diamond is pretty small so I'm not sure if I'd be completely happy with it that way either. I think I'd prefer to keep it as is if possible to avoid damage to the setting or the stone.

If it can't be sized, then I think we'd probably start from scratch. Which I think would be disappointing to both of us.

I think writing my thoughts all out here helped me to realize that the sentimental value means so much more to me than whether or not it's my dream ring. The fact that he loves me and his mom/family love me enough to pass something like that down to me wins out, ya know? So I'm hoping it does work out. But if not, we'll have to consider our options.

 

[audball]

I think writing my thoughts all out here helped me to realize that the sentimental value means so much more to me than whether or not it's my dream ring. The fact that he loves me and his mom/family love me enough to pass something like that down to me wins out, ya know? So I'm hoping it does work out. But if not, we'll have to consider our options.

THAT is the important thing. I hope it works out either way!

 

[prettylnpink419]

That's funny Aud, I even mentioned putting a blue stone in it and having it to wear on my wedding day as my something old and blue a week or so ago. BF, while supportive, is definitely not the best when it comes to jewelry...he's still learning as he has never really purchased any before our relationship. So I think to him...that sounds like a lot of work. Not that he's against it.

But I guess I go back to, would I love the diamond in another setting? I'm not sure. It appears much smaller that I thought it would be. And with larger fingers, I'd worry it would get lost on my hand, ya know? Hope that doesn't make me sound like a brat.

If we did decide to take it apart, we would definitely have it evaluated. I'd probably avoid recutting because it already looks pretty small so I'm not sure it would be worth it. But I'm not opposed to the idea either.

 

[audball]

That's funny Aud, I even mentioned putting a blue stone in it and having it to wear on my wedding day as my something old and blue a week or so ago. BF, while supportive, is definitely not the best when it comes to jewelry...he's still learning as he has never really purchased any before our relationship. So I think to him...that sounds like a lot of work. Not that he's against it.

But I guess I go back to, would I love the diamond in another setting? I'm not sure. It appears much smaller that I thought it would be. And with larger fingers, I'd worry it would get lost on my hand, ya know? Hope that doesn't make me sound like a brat.

If we did decide to take it apart, we would definitely have it evaluated. I'd probably avoid recutting because it already looks pretty small so I'm not sure it would be worth it. But I'm not opposed to the idea either.

It would take TIME, but it wouldn't really be hard. I get wanting presence, that doesn't make you sound like a brat. It could be haoled to help with spread if it's smaller. Quite honestly, Brian at BGD is AWESOME at recuts and usually VERY little is lost. And even if it did make a tad smaller, ideal stones look so much brighter you probably wouldn't notice.

If his budget was 5-6k I'd honestly probably prefer to have my own. But that's me. Taking the heirloom would make me feel obligated to never change it and always use it.

 

[madelise]

That's definitely got the higher crown and small table like an old cut! You can see that even in those pics!

First, CLEAN IT UP! Give it a good bath. Soak it in some diluted dish washing soap, and give it a light scrub a dub dub. It should be able to sparkle a bit more. In my opinion, this is a beautiful ring. I love the setting it's in. It's beautiful! But I love those old type things. I understand that that's not your style.

Second, go get this ring evaluated by even a jeweler just for a quick estimate. What color and size is it in a rough estimate. If you want, go get it appraised by an appraiser that ONLY appraises and doesn't sell jewelry (that'd be biased). That way you have an idea of what you have on hand.

Then, talk to your SO. He was going to spend 5-6k prior to this offer. Is he willing to still use that 5-6k for your engagement? 5-6K could have gotten you roughly a 1 carat if you went to an H-I-J range, and still get you an excellent quality diamond. Will he let you get a modern engagement ring, and use this as a RHR sort of thing? As your "something old"? Then you can keep it in its original setting, just resized.

I also like the idea of resetting this and putting a sapphire into the original setting.

How do you feel about these options? I know you said he feels like he cheapened you out of 5-6k, but do you feel that way?

I have larger fingers too, and if you do choose a reset route, I definitely think it's worthwhile to look at a 3 stone, so you can get a nice feel of finger coverage I say you get it evaluated regardless of taking it apart or not. That would be my first step! Figuring out what I have, then working forward from there.

 

[audball]

Great advice madelise. I'm interested in your responses to madelise's questions too!

 

[prettylnpink419]

He said yesterday if they aren't able to resize it then he will take another approach and I will get something that is "uniquely mine". While I know he knows what I like, I don't know that I completely trust him to design a new setting that I would be 100% happy with without me. He had to leave and didn't get back until I was asleep so we didn't get to talk further about it. He doesn't know much about jewelery so I'm nervous to let him make decisions regarding the ring by himself. I'm not sure I'll be happy with that diamond in another setting so I'm going to tell him I would rather be apart of that process. He did say he felt like he was "cheaping out" by using a free ring so I know he's still open to buying something else. But we were both excited about having that extra money to put towards the wedding instead.

The ring will be in my hands tonight. He left it at his parents over the weekend and went and got it last night. I think we are going to go to the jewelers Friday or Saturday this weekend so I'll keep you posted.

I love the idea of a 3 stone, but I'm wondering...is that harder to find stones that match in the older cuts?

If it can be resized, I'd love to still have it as is or with a sapphire to wear on my wedding day as my something old.

I feel like I'm all over the place with these responses. Let me start over...

So this is what I'm thinking in order of preference:
1. If the ring can be resized I'd like to keep it as is and use it as my engagement ring. (Knowing that after the wedding and a few years we'll probably upgraded to a larger stone/different setting but I'd still have this ring as a right hand ring.
2. If it can't be resized then take a look at the diamond separately and see if it is worth using in a new setting and go from there.
3. If the diamond isn't something I'd be happy with then in a new setting then I'd probably just reset it in the original and give it back or hold on to it for my children some day to keep it in the family. Or maybe make a pendant out of it? I don't know, I do love the idea of the setting and the diamond staying together so I guess I go back and forth on that. And we'd start from scratch for my ER.

But I also think the setting would be beautiful with a sapphire too, so I don't know. I guess I'll see what the jeweler says and go from there. The last thing I want though is the setting or the stone to be damaged in the process since sentimental can't be replaced, ya know?

 

[maebelle]

I love the idea of a 3 stone, but I'm wondering...is that harder to find stones that match in the older cuts?

It would be hard to find other round/ antique cuts that even matched each other. For a three stone you'd probably want to mix it with some fat pears, french cuts, or half moons

 

[LibbyLA]

For a three-stone, also consider colored stones as the other two, in shapes/cuts other than round. Pears are really pretty.

 

[Mico]

there's a preloved sapphire wrap on preloved

 

[audball]

there's a preloved sapphire wrap on preloved

Ooooo....linky?

 

[Enerchi]

What a very logical, common sense, practical plan you have in place, prettyinpink! Sounds well thought out - good thinking!

I think taking things step by step is probably the best way - no sense worrying over one option vs another until you have all the facts and info.

It would be very nice as any of those options and if you use the stone in a 3 stone, I do like the idea of coloured stones as side stones- eliminates the challenge of matching diamonds!

Eager to learn more after your jewellers visit!