How far would you go to have a 2nd/3rd/etc. child?

[parrot tulips]

It took us 20 months and 5 rounds of fertility treatments to get pregnant with our daughter. I would really like to have one more child. Initially I told myself (and my husband), no extraordinary measures this time. Just let nature take it's course, and if "it" happens, then we'll consider ourselves blessed. And if not, at least we have one beautiful, amazing, healthy child. But my sister is pregnant. And a friend just told me she's pregnant with her second. And I'm feeling more envious than I'd like to admit. Thrilled for them, but envious. We've been TTC #2 since summer, unsuccessfully.

I'm starting to reconsider my stance on no "extraordinary measures" for subsequent children. I love seeing A interact with other kids/babies, and I love being a mother so much more than I expected to. Since I'm in my late 30's, and well timed hasn't been effective, I'm reconsidering whether I should speak to my doctor about fertility treatments. Again.

I'm wondering, for those of you who have a child (or children), and want another, how far would you go to expand your family?

 

[amc80]

It took us 20 months and 5 rounds of fertility treatments to get pregnant with our daughter. I would really like to have one more child. Initially I told myself (and my husband), no extraordinary measures this time. Just let nature take it's course, and if "it" happens, then we'll consider ourselves blessed. And if not, at least we have one beautiful, amazing, healthy child. But my sister is pregnant. And a friend just told me she's pregnant with her second. And I'm feeling more envious than I'd like to admit. Thrilled for them, but envious. We've been TTC #2 since summer, unsuccessfully.

I'm starting to reconsider my stance on no "extraordinary measures" for subsequent children. I love seeing A interact with other kids/babies, and I love being a mother so much more than I expected to. Since I'm in my late 30's, and well timed hasn't been effective, I'm reconsidering whether I should speak to my doctor about fertility treatments. Again.

I'm wondering, for those of you who have a child (or children), and want another, how far would you go to expand your family?

Interesting question. I'm not sure what we'd do. What sort of treatments did you go through, if you don't mind me asking? I would probably consider a monitored cycle on clomid, but I don't think I'd go beyond that.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

This is such a tough question--I mean, we can all answer, but it really just depends on how YOU feel. And it's also hard to know how far you'd go until you're really in the thick of it. I know the challenges you faced with TTC and being pregnant, so I know those things are floating around in your head.

I'd like to think that if we couldn't have another, that I'd feel blessed with having one wonderful little girl and not freak out. But I also know myself better than that--I tend to get so caught up in my "goal" that I obsess. And I really do want another, so I have a feeling that if it didn't happen naturally for us within 6 - 12 months, that I'd maybe do a round of IUI and then jump to IVF. I'd want to go right to the options that gave us the highest success rate.

How does your husband feel about #2? I ask because I know that would be an issue in my marriage. I think my husband could accept having one easier than I could, and thus wouldn't be on board with going the IUI/IVF route. So we'd probably have multiple tense "discussions" about it.

 

[monkeyprincess]

PT, I think about this very question a lot! We tried for about 10 months before conceiving via our first cycle of clomid and IUI. Right now, I am struggling to cope with my very sensitive/high needs 7week old, so we are a ways away from thinking about number two. At times, I am not even sure if I can go through this again if our next baby is also difficult. That said, I am pretty sure I would do fertility treatments again if we were set on a second child. Probably a medicated IUI again if we tried for 6 months or so without success. DH on the other hand will probably be reluctant to get fertility help now that we have been blessed with a baby, especially after what we are going through with our little guy right now. Good luck with your decision. Infertility or sub par fertility just plain sucks, and I hope you are blessed with another little one one way or another.

 

[Laila619]

Hi PT,

As someone who also went through infertility, having a second child was very important to me and I did not want my first to be an only child, since I am one and I hated it growing up. So I would have done whatever it took, probably--IUI or IVF. I hope it happens for you very soon!

 

[tammy77]

Hi PT,

My DH and I have been ttc my 3rd, his 1st for 13-14 months and I have my first RE appt today so your topic has interesting timing for me. We've agreed that we won't go to IVF, but pretty much everything else we're willing to try. I don't know if we'd do that if DH had a biological child (with or without me). That said, we do have two girls from my previous marriage so we aren't dealing with an only child issue either.

I think that as long as it won't put your current child(ren) in financial hardship, everything including IVF is really okay. I know it was extremely important to not have my DD #1 grow up an only like I did. I think it's really unfortunate that some people judge others for seeking fertility treatments if they already have a baby.

 

[amc80]

I think that as long as it won't put your current child(ren) in financial hardship, everything including IVF is really okay.

I agree with this. We couldn't afford IVF without some very serious lifestyle changes.

 

[Puppmom]

DH and I decided before I got pregnant this time that we were done if we couldn't get pregnant on our own and, if I miscarried again, we wouldn't continue to try.

However, I do think it's different when you had medical intervention the first go around. If I had gone through treatments to get pregnant with DS, I probably would have been open to it this go around. In fact, if it was financially feasible, I might just cut right to the chase early in the process. I don't know if insurance would allow that though...

Good luck!

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

It took a year of trying and a month of clomid...plus 4 MC's, the last quite late..... At 36 with one child, I said, "enough". I did not want to spend my life in reproductive limbo--that is what it had become "to me". Apparently, I was one and done. It was such a relief to let it go.

cheers--Sharon

 

[qtiekiki]

Not that I want a 3rd, but if we did, we probably wouldn't go more than clomid. With that said, we didn't need fertility treatments for our 2, and I think I may answer this differently if I had. With my first, we stopped preventing for a few months and actively trying for a year. We got a referral for RE, but I got treated for asymptomatic UTI and got pregnant the month that we got the referral. My second was conceived much quicker after a couple months of not preventing. So you never know.

 

[parrot tulips]

Thank you for all the replies. It's interesting to see the variety of responses.

We had trouble conceiving our first, and it seems, are having a bit of trouble conceiving again. At first I was very resistant to the idea of medical intervention a second time around. It seemed, somehow, greedy, for lack of a better word. But as I mentioned before, I love being a mother so much more than I expected. As time goes on and I feel more confident being a mother, the desire to have a second has grown stronger. I am 36, so I don't feel I have the luxury of tons of time to let things happen naturally. DH wants a second. He has left the decision of how much (or little) medical intervention to seek, completely up to me. Whether we see an RE or not, he's happy knowing we've actively tried to expand our family. Most likely, we'll end up at least consulting with an RE and re-examine our situation then.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

parrot, I am not sure, but sending you lots of dust for a peaceful decision!

 

[Rosebloom]

Thank you for all the replies. It's interesting to see the variety of responses.

We had trouble conceiving our first, and it seems, are having a bit of trouble conceiving again. At first I was very resistant to the idea of medical intervention a second time around. It seemed, somehow, greedy, for lack of a better word. But as I mentioned before, I love being a mother so much more than I expected. As time goes on and I feel more confident being a mother, the desire to have a second has grown stronger. I am 36, so I don't feel I have the luxury of tons of time to let things happen naturally. DH wants a second. He has left the decision of how much (or little) medical intervention to seek, completely up to me. Whether we see an RE or not, he's happy knowing we've actively tried to expand our family. Most likely, we'll end up at least consulting with an RE and re-examine our situation then.

I know these are hard decisions and I wish you wisdom as you determine what to do. But I would encourage you not to feel greedy. Being a mother is an expression of selfless sacrificial love. It is absolutely incredible and also a ton of very hard work (as you know!). But not greedy.

 

[Skippy123]

Personally I think if it is in your heart to try it, then I would go for it. I never been through it but my cousin has 2 kids through IVF and he told me it was lots of work to do all the shots, etc. sending dust you get your answer.

 

[february2003bride]

Parrot-

It's your life, your money, your family, If you need to turn to fertility treatments for #2 or #3, it's no one's business but your own.

-Feb03bride

 

[Dreamer_D]

Agreed with others, don't let judgement from others or yourself stop you from pursuing another child if that is what you desire in your heart.

To your original question, its likely impossible to say what I would actually have done if we had trouble TTC #2. But I have been thinking about this a lot lately because a friend of mine is in that situation.

There is a psychological phenomenon where when you have a goal, and that goal is thwarted or interrupted, it makes the goal seem even more important and it makes the goal hyper activated in your mind. This is one of those tricks our brains play on us to make sure we actually work to pursue goals we might have in life. This seems to apply to the goal of TTC as well. When you are in that state of desiring and trying to achieve the goal of having a child, and that goal is being thwarted, it takes on such importance that tunnel vision develops. In that state, I think it is probably almost impossible to gain perspective. In the same way its impossible to gain perspective when ANY important life goal is thwarted and one's efforts to attain that goal are interrupted. It is our nature. But I think this makes it really hard to make TTC related decisions when you are actively TTC, because the interruption of the TTC goal makes achieving that goal a million times more important than it would otherwise be!

Anyways, that little bit of human nature doesn't help answer your question, but I share it because I think it suggests its important to try and make these types of decisions before one begins actively pursuing the TTC goal. So that your own cooler head can prevail when the goal-pursuit tunnel vision sets in.

 

[gongjoo143]

I feel like I can relate to your situation. Due to male factor infertility, we TTC a year for our first and luckily got pregnant with the 1st injectable IUI. When our son was a year old, we started TTC for #2 and I desperately wanted another. 6 months later and still not pregnant, I went back to the RE and it took 4 rounds of IUI, the last one being a cancelled IVF attempt that converted to IUI. I knew that I'd go as far as possible to have a second child, and while it was difficult, there wasn't nearly the same emotional roller coaster going through infertility tx as the first time. Baby girl is 7 weeks now and I feel so incredibly lucky to have 2 healthy children. My husband and I have talked about having a 3rd. We'll probably TTC casually for awhile and if the urge is strong, we'll go back to RE and go straight to IVF with single blast transfer to eliminate the chance of high order multiples.

Best of luck making a decision and hopefully conceiving a second baby naturally or with assistance.

 

[Puppmom]

Agreed with others, don't let judgement from others or yourself stop you from pursuing another child if that is what you desire in your heart.

To your original question, its likely impossible to say what I would actually have done if we had trouble TTC #2. But I have been thinking about this a lot lately because a friend of mine is in that situation.

There is a psychological phenomenon where when you have a goal, and that goal is thwarted or interrupted, it makes the goal seem even more important and it makes the goal hyper activated in your mind. This is one of those tricks our brains play on us to make sure we actually work to pursue goals we might have in life. This seems to apply to the goal of TTC as well. When you are in that state of desiring and trying to achieve the goal of having a child, and that goal is being thwarted, it takes on such importance that tunnel vision develops. In that state, I think it is probably almost impossible to gain perspective. In the same way its impossible to gain perspective when ANY important life goal is thwarted and one's efforts to attain that goal are interrupted. It is our nature. But I think this makes it really hard to make TTC related decisions when you are actively TTC, because the interruption of the TTC goal makes achieving that goal a million times more important than it would otherwise be!

Anyways, that little bit of human nature doesn't help answer your question, but I share it because I think it suggests its important to try and make these types of decisions before one begins actively pursuing the TTC goal. So that your own cooler head can prevail when the goal-pursuit tunnel vision sets in.

Yes, yes and yes! DH and I were on the fence about having another. Then we had a whoops and I miscarried. I could NOT get the thought of another out of my head. In order to gain perspective, I had to force myself to think about it for months and not act on it. It was so hard. Everything in me was saying, "Do it!"

 

[Laila619]

Parrot-

It's your life, your money, your family, If you need to turn to fertility treatments for #2 or #3, it's no one's business but your own.

-Feb03bride

Exactly! Do whatever feels right for you.

 

[lizzyann]

PT, you know all of the ups and downs I went through to get with pregnant with DS #2. Don't feel "greedy" one bit. If having a second baby is what you and your family wants and you have the means financially and the support system needed then I say go for it! If we ever decide to have a third baby I have three frozen embryos ready so hopefully I wouldn't have to do the entire IVF process again. But if I had to and it was important to me to have a third, I would. My kids may never have any first cousins as both my DH and myself have lost brothers at a young age. My DH has one brother but he may never settle down. So it is very important for me to be sure that my kids will have each other for a support system in the future. Go with what you are comfortable with.

 

[AP1976]

HI:

It took a year of trying and a month of clomid...plus 4 MC's, the last quite late..... At 36 with one child, I said, "enough". I did not want to spend my life in reproductive limbo--that is what it had become "to me". Apparently, I was one and done. It was such a relief to let it go.

cheers--Sharon

Sharon - that is my exact situation!!! We did not need fertility treatments to conceive our son, but we had a lot of trouble trying for #2. Countless clomid/injectable/iui cycles, 4 positive tests, 4 miscarriages.... A few months ago we decided to let it go and move on, and what a blessing it has been for us! Reproductive limbo is tough, it took too much of an emotional, physical and financial toll on us so we stopped. I just turned 36 too, so we really are very similar in our experiences! DH got a vasectomy last week since the pill gives me migraines and we hate condoms, and being one and done is perfect for us. It all worked out and was meant to be, I think.