How long have you been waiting?

[vivosogno]

Hi Ladies -- I''m so glad I can come to PS to vent! Sometimes I feel like I''m the only one and then I talk to everyone here and feel so much better

I have been with my boyfriend for SIX YEARS and I''m still waiting. We have looked at some settings and rings but I feel like he''s really not doing anything about it. I get the "someday" we''ll get married. I''m sick of waiting!!!!! We are 24, live together, both have jobs, 2 cats. Maybe its sociatal but I want to be MARRIED! As awful as it sounds I am so jealous of all my friends who have been with their boyfriends for 2-3 years and they are engaged and already getting married. Of course I''m happy for them but I want that also.

I was just wondering:

How old are you?
How long have you been together?
What''s your story?

I guess I just need some girlie uplifting advice. Sometimes I feel like a bitch because I get so angry!

 

[Rhapsody]

My boyfriend and I are both 24 and we''ve been together 7 years. We started talking about getting married about 2 and a half years ago but it took another year and a half before there was really any action taken.

I was talking to my boyfriend last night and I asked him when he would have propsed if I had never said anything and left it all up to him. He told me he would have waited another year or 2 until we were more financially stable and had bought a house

And here I am thinking that I don''t want to be making these huge plans and purchases without already being engaged. Men just think so differently sometimes.

Hang in there! Just remember that even though you''ve been together a long time, in a lot of guys minds 24 is just too young to be getting engaged.

 

[akw94]

Vivosogno, don''t feel bad about needing to vent or being angry. You have a right to all of your emotions and this is a great place to express them. Have the two of you talked about a timeline or just generally talked about marriage?

To address your questions:

How old are you? I am 30.
How long have you been together? We met online and had our first "talk" 2 yrs ago this month, officially met two years ago this coming July.... so about 2 years.
What''s your story? Well, we have had pretty serious talks soon into our relationship. I think that''s just the way we both are. What was nice for us is that we became friends first and really got to know each other. So we talked generally about marriage, kids and other such issues. Winter of 2004, we started talking about moving in together the summer of 2006. We''re planning that for this August. Yay!! At some point over the last year or so, we''ve decided to move out of state in 2008, so the "plan" is to be married by then. He and I had a pretty serious talk about timeframes awhile ago b/c I was talking a lot about our out of state move and career plans and he was like, how can you worry so much about that when we aren''t even married. Well, my response was that b/c I can''t control the proposal, I have to worry about what I can control...yes, I am a worrier and a control freak!
Anyway, shortly after that, we had a big talk about timeframes. I realized that we weren''t quite on the same page. Given that we want to be married before our bigger move, I figured that he''d propose by the end of 2006 or early 2007 which would give enough time to be engaged, plan a ceremony, be married, plan my career move, etc... A lot of stuff for a rather short time so i''d like to lessen my stress as much as possible by not rushing everything! He said he definitely wants to be married and is sure about that but wasn''t thinking of starting the process as soon as I was. His thinking was that there''s no hurry to propose so he''d just propose, we''d get married soon after and move soon after that...like w/in some short period of months.

I expressed to him that I needed time inbetween, not only to adjust to each change, but to enjoy each part of our relationship. He said that he understood and would respect how I felt. That''s pretty much it.

Since then, we''ve done some talking about rings b/c he''s asked me what I like. So that''s when I found PS.

So I did all this research (b/c I had NO knowledge before), started getting really excited and was talking about it a lot and he told me he wasn''t ready yet and could we not talk about it quite as much. I was a little hurt by the comment but I understood. After taking a little time to adjust (and receiving great advice here), I am ok w/it. Really, until he brought up rings, I was fine w/where we are. I didn''t really think about being engaged until later this year, at the earliest, but I found it very easy to get caught up w/the idea of being engaged and fantastic, sparkly jewelry.

So, I haven''t been bringing it up for a month or so now and actually feel calmer. He knows I come on PS and doesn''t seem to mind. I don''t bring up specifics and decided against bringing up an antique show to look at rings which I had previously told him about. I worry sometimes about what will happen if.... But I try not to worry too much. I am very happy w/my relationship now and if he doesn''t bring up ring shopping by the end of the year, I will bring it up again. So that''s my story, thanks for asking!

 

[SoonIHope]

Vivosogno, sorry to hear that you''re frustrated!! I agree with Rhapsody though, that as bizarre as it seems to us, the "too young to be married" feeling can be VERY VERY strong in guys. Don''t know why! But pretty much every guy in my age group (I''m 24), including my fiance and my friend''s now-husband who waited 7 years to propose, has said that one of their main reasons they weren''t ready to get engaged is just because their age is "too young" to do something big like that.

This also reminded me of a poll from a while ago asking this same question! Here it is if you''re curious!

 

[Sparkles22]

I am almost 23, my husband and I have been married almost 3 years, and we had dated for 2 years and 11 months before he proposed. We had lived together almost a year and a half before he proposed. I was anxious too, I give you credit because I would have been more than a little frustrated. Anyway...here''s a some of the story...I really wanted to at least be engaged before we moved in, my parents were moving out of town, and I wanted to know it was for real before I chose not to move with them. Well, that didn''t happen so I moved with my parents out of state, but it turned out that I wanted to be with him more than anything else, so I moved in with him and left my parents. He had asked me to move in with him earlier and I had told him, no, not without a proposal, but I gave in. I continously asked him why he didn''t want to get married and if he ever did, he said he did, he just wasn''t ready. He wouldn''t elaborate any more than that and would get mad if I asked him to. After about a year or so we came to a compromise, we''d but some money aside and use our tax return to buy rings, he didn''t have to ask, but it would make me feel better knowing we had rings somewhere, even if they weren''t on our fingers. About 6 months later he proposed. I was so happy

I always wonder though if he would have done it later had I not "pushed" him to. He says no, he did it when he wanted to, and that wouldn''t have changed. But I honestly don''t think he would have. So now I always wonder

.... I am glad we are married and we have a terrific relationship, so I am happy he did. I just feel guilty for pushing him if he wasn''t ready

.

Hang in there

 

[Aloros]

Sorry to hear you''re having a tough time. Sometimes people can be a little dense about how other people are feeling. Does he know how you feel about this? I think a good way to broach your impatience might be to tell him what age you''d like to get married at, how long you''d like your engagement to be, and what season you''d prefer to be married in. You could give him a little tug-room (summer OR fall), but if he can put 2 and 2 together, he''ll figure out when he should be proposing to you (NOW maybe?

)

As for your questions:
How old are you? 23
How long have you been together? My bf and I have been together for 5.5 years
What''s your story? At long last, we''ll be moving in together in September. We''ve talked about marriage, kids, what we want our wedding to be like, etc, for a few years now, but he won''t be graduating until summer of 2007. After that he still has to get his teaching credential, which he may or may not be able to do while he is teaching. He would be ok with getting engaged now, but it wouldn''t feel right to me, at least not until he''s closer to graduating. I work full-time right now, at what I deem my "day job", so I''d also like to gain some momentum with my chosen career. I feel like planning a wedding right now might be distracting to both of us. I''d hate for him to run around trying to figure out wedding stuff (he is THE biggest worrier!) when he has finals to study for. So, these are the reasons I''m waiting.

Sounds to me, though, like you''ve got all the pieces in place. He may not see it the same way, though, and may be waiting for another life''s landmark like buying a house or condo. Or he may just be procrastinating.

Good luck!

 

[Mandarine]

How old are you: 29...ouch...just last week

...God I always thought I would be married by now!...hehehe
How long have you been together?: almost two years...
What''s your story?: had "the" about 4-5 months ago. He gave me a very wide 2006 timeframe for engagement and 2007 for getting married.

I thought I was ok with that timeframe, but seriously, I''m not....(maybe I''m just having a bad day today). We live about one hour away so it is really hard....I want to start being able to see him everyday! wake up next to him every day!....then there are other problems (well, one problem....his mom)...and I''m just so frustrated right now...so as much as I want to be with him right now, part of me thinks maybe we should work through that problem first...but that''s not anything that will get "fixed" quickly.

Sorry...I''m just not having a good day

But anyway...welcome!!

 

[bookworm21]

Date: 5/4/2006 4:51:41 PM
Author:vivosogno
Hi Ladies -- I''m so glad I can come to PS to vent! Sometimes I feel like I''m the only one and then I talk to everyone here and feel so much better

I have been with my boyfriend for SIX YEARS and I''m still waiting. We have looked at some settings and rings but I feel like he''s really not doing anything about it. I get the ''someday'' we''ll get married. I''m sick of waiting!!!!! We are 24, live together, both have jobs, 2 cats. Maybe its sociatal but I want to be MARRIED! As awful as it sounds I am so jealous of all my friends who have been with their boyfriends for 2-3 years and they are engaged and already getting married. Of course I''m happy for them but I want that also.


I was just wondering:


How old are you?

How long have you been together?

What''s your story?


I guess I just need some girlie uplifting advice. Sometimes I feel like a bitch because I get so angry!

I totally understand what you''re going through, and a number of other LIWs here know too. I also understand about the jealousy thing regarding your friends, because I feel that way a lot of times. It''s the whole "when is it going to be my turn?" thing.

To answer your questions:
I''m 25, been together 10 1/2 years, and have talked about engagement and marriage, but there are other priorities. We talked recently, and he pretty much let me decide what the next step would be. Long story short, I opted to wait a bit more the engagement, which is something I can afford to do, because I am still rather young. But if it doesn''t happen in another two years, max, I''m definitely putting my foot down and delivering an ultimatum.

 

[Mimikins24]

Welcome to PS!!! I''m sure you will enjoy this forum and all the great people here!!!

How old are you?
I am 25 (I turned 26 in July) and my BF is 26.

How long have you been together?
We met almost 7 years ago and were friends for 2 years. We started dated almost 5 years ago.

What''s your story?
We moved in together about 18 months ago. We both ended up moving from home to go to school. Soon we were all but living together, so we just found a bigger place together. We started talking about marriage hypothetically about 2.5 years ago. Aparently he started shopping for a ring shortly after we moved in together (~1.5 years ago). He told me about his intentions, and we started to shop for the ring together about 14 months ago.

There is still no ring, and I know that he hasn''t even started the buying process. He knows what I like, and the ball is entirely in his court. He promised me a couple of months ago that we would be engaged before I went back for my last year of law school in September. About a month ago, he said that there was no way he could get a ring together before September because it can take up to 8 weeks to have everything assembled. This comment didn''t even make any sense because at that point he had about 5 months until his own deadline. I didn''t ask for the September deadline --- he simply volunteered that on his own.

At this point, I am no longer involved with the process because he knows what I like and I have really lost patience with the whole scenario. I have a very busy summer position working at our provincial law library and a local law firm, and I simply do not have time to be worried about what he is (or rather is not) doing. Now he is worrying himself sick about finding the "perfect" ring (in his words). Although I appreciate that he is concerned about the ring, at this point it just feels like an excuse. We''ll see what happens. Sorry to have such a negative tone today, but I am tired out from the week and my boyfriend has just found more reasons to delay the ring (i.e.: reduction in federal tax starting in July and the increasing value of the Canadian dollar). Looks like I may be here even longer than I thought.

Oh, thought I would also say how I found PS. Most of the other LIWs were looking for advice on their engagement anxiety. I am different though. I came looking for advice about a particularly nasty situation with an (ex?) friend of mine last November. I was supposed to be her bridesmaid, and it didn''t really turn out very well. Long and sorted story there!!!

 

[Mandarine]

Mimikins that''s funny!...I knew about your bridesmaid story...but I didn''t know that''s how you found PS!

I did find it while searching for advice on how to stay sane while waiting, yep...I''m one of those!

Sorry for the threadjack vivosogno!!

M~

 

[blueroses]

Hello ladies,

You all may be about to feel better about your situations, so enjoy!!!

How old: 31, will be 32 in June (He just turned 33.)

How long together: NINE AND A HALF YEARS

What's our story:.....ummmm, how long do you have? Basically together almost entire 20s, back and forth across the country (he's from NY, I'm from CA, we've been here, there and everywhere together.) Were fine with everything and not marriage-obsessed (it was always just a given for "the future") for quite a while. At 29 it started to occur to me that this WAS the future and I was really tired of people throwing bouquets at me and wanted to start the rest of our lives like, SOON. Girl-soon. Long story short nutshell (if you are a glutton for punishment you can search the old LIW threads from way back in fall '04 and early '05) we have been seriously talking marriage since new year's '04/christmas '03. First time he said "soon." (Boy-soon. Beware the boy-soon.) Touched base again 3 months later, he said for sure by my birthday (his deadline, not mine). My 30th birthday. As in, almost 2 years ago. Plenty of deadlines come and gone countless hours lost on PS, MAJOR problem for the relationship, i.e. the entire relationship became about this impasse between us and helped plunge me into a depression, blahblahblah. We finally went into couples' therapy in January (this is a MAJOR nutshell version) to address the issue of why he seemed to think he was ready and that nothing holding him back but he couldn't actually ACT on it. It kills him that he's hurt me this way but he's like, completely stuck (larger commitment, growing up aversion issues, etc.) So now we are on a counseling-mandated "separation" wherein we each are working on our own crap. It's been very hard and if you asked him if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me he'd say absolutely in a heartbeat. But we are too old to live in limbo and life is too short to settle, so we will just see what happens when we are "allowed" to see each other again in June. The whole point of this time apart is to get both of us to see what our own bottom line is and what we need (and for me to regain some power and perspective about the situation.) I love him completely and obviously want it to work out, but I'm learning that you can't want it enough for both of you. We may come out of this engaged, or we may come out of it apart. But yeah. I've been waiting about 2 1/2 years

(eta: I discovered the godsend that it PS in 11/04, when I'd been "waiting" on my own for almost a year already.....so I've been on the LIW list for a year and a half now. I'm actually #2 on the list, having watched dozens of lovely ladies get crossed off (and MARRIED!!) above and below me, so I'm the penultimate oldtimer, next to JenWill!!!)

 

[Rhapsody]

Date: 5/4/2006 10:11:30 PM
Author: blueroses

(eta: I discovered the godsend that it PS in 11/04, when I''d been ''waiting'' on my own for almost a year already.....so I''ve been on the LIW list for a year and a half now. I''m actually #2 on the list, having watched dozens of lovely ladies get crossed off (and MARRIED!!) above and below me, so I''m the penultimate oldtimer, next to JenWill!!!)

I didn''t put myself on the list for that very reason. I didn''t think I could handle watching dozens of people come and go and watch my name creep up the list.

I found pricescope in the spring of 2003. 3 of our friends from high school got married that spring/summer and another half dozen got engaged, and my boyfriend told me I should start researching and pick out what I would like. 3 years on the board later my knowledge of diamonds has vastly increased but I''m still waiting. It makes you wonder why they tell you to start thinking about it when they don''t actually intend on doing anything for 3 years!

 

[blueroses]

Rhapsody, you are a wiser woman than I!! When I "joined" the list I HONESTLY thought it was going to be happening like, any day. Crazy. Smart girl!

I actually wrote a long reponse (another one) that was less mememe and attempting to dispense some advice and the thing got lost. THe main thing I think is to keep the lines of communication REALLY open and not assume anything for a second. I think girl-soon and boy-soon (basically being separated by a common language) is the main culprit here that leaves us all feeling horrible. And don''t let the waiting become the whole relationship--it''s a very slippery slope and suddenly all your lives together are about is strife and angst. Bleah.


HANG IN THERE, girls!!!

 

[ellewoods]

Hi Vivo.

Hang in there....I know waiting is tough, but if you''ve waited this long, chances are that your BF is a great guy but the timing just hasn''t been right. That doesn''t mean you''re any less in love or any less ready than some of your friends who are getting married after only a couple years. Also, you guys met very young -- when you were 18. I''m not saying you''re "too young" to get married, but the fact is that you met very young and so there were probably a few extra years in there that make your total time together seem long, but when you consider that you both had growing up to do, you''ll realize that those extra years don''t mean anything negative, it just means you met your BF young and you''ve had such a great relationship you got to grow up a bit together and now you''re thinking about marriage. My BF and I met young also, so I know where you''re coming from. Here''s my story:

How old are you? I''m 27, he''s 29.

How long have you been together? Just over 7 years.

What''s your story? We met in college, I was 19 and he was 21. Had 2 years in college together (didn''t live together), then we both went to grad school for 3 years -- but across the country from each other. It was rough but we made it. We lived together during those summers.

I moved back to our home state to start working, and he had 1 more year of school for an additional program. I lived with him for a few months but then got a job in another city about 6 hours away and moved there. We planned that''d he''d move to where I was (where we decided we wanted to live and where he had a upcoming job) in about 6 months when he was finished with school. We thought then we would get engaged, etc.

But due to various reasons, I decided to go back to school for another program for a year -- across the country again. It''s been tough but at least I''ve really seen the light at the end of the tunnel, that once I''m done this spring we can finally start our adult lives. I''ll be done in a couple weeks and moving back to where he is, and I suspect he''ll propose soon after that (he''s made various comments to that effect).

Several of our college friends are already married, and we''re by far the last ones out of our core group of couples friends. It wasn''t that we weren''t ready emotionally a few years ago, but long distance and trying to get our careers sorted out got in the way. We started discussing marriage and future plans after about 2 years, so we''ve both always planned on being together and getting married eventually, but I know it seems like "7 years? What''s wrong with him?" but it isn''t like that.

Don''t get me wrong though, over the last year or two I''ve definitely had my witch-girlfriend phases when I got engagement (i.e. RING) obsessed

...and I''d bug him about not being engaged, but I know that it has been our circumstances that got in the way, not that we weren''t serious. So I know you probably don''t want to hear this, but give your boyfriend some slack if your situation is like that too.

If you guys have had to make it through school, getting on your feet financially, etc. those things are legitimate reasons for delay. And I think it''s great that you guys have stayed together for 6 years, when you met so young -- I think it shows your BF has really cared about you and loved you enough to be in a committed relationship, even at those early 20 years when most guys just want to have fun and hit on as many girls as possible.

I do know one good consequence of waiting this long without a proposal....my BF will get me (or maybe has already got me!) an awesome ring, much better than any he could have gotten before now. And I know the ring is about the relationship and commitment, not about the size and all of that.....but I know he wants a large sized center stone and I like that after all the time we''ve been together and the trials and tribulations and our friends getting married way before us....we will have the most awesome ring and I think that signifies all of that.

I''ve got to tell you, I''m happy to wait 7 years for 2 carats.

 

[vivosogno]

hello everyone. thank you for your kind words and encouragement! we had a long talk last night...that always helps to talk about it. he said that it will happen befor the end of the year...we will see!

 

[sumbride]

Welcome! There are all sorts of stories and all sorts of situations here, so hopefully you''ll take comfort in it... I understand the "we''ve been together for x number of years" thing, but for many guys, that''s not the formula... it has a lot to do with their age and readiness, not how long you''ve been together.

How old are you? I''m 28, almost 29. He''s 30.

How long have you been together? Three and a half years, living together almost a year.

What''s your story? We met online in late 2002 and clicked instantly on our first date, but it was my first episode of dating after a bad breakup and his first serious relationship, so we took it really slow. We didn''t get around to the "L word" until 5 months in. He didn''t even tell his family about me until almost a year into it, but that was for my protection! We''ve discussed marriage pretty openly for a while now and he told me he had a "list" of things to accomplish before he''d feel he was ready.
His list:
1) We have to date at least 3 years
2) We have to live together at least 1 year
3) He wants to buy a house first
4) He wants to feel financially secure

Last spring he decided it was time to move in together... I was ready 6 months before that, but he wasn''t so I waited. During that time, we started looking at houses. He bought one and we moved into it together at the end of July. The bonus is now we''re saving cash because we''re splitting expenses so #4 was accomplished along with 2 and 3, and 1 just happened. So his list is complete. Now I''m waiting.

He told me early this year that he had "a plan" so I told him that his plan should allow for me to pick my ring. I''m not sure exactly what his timeframe is, but I''m not that impatient yet because I have an arbitrary idea in my head about when he''s going to do it and we''re not there yet... if that date passes without a proposal, I might start getting antsy!!!

 

[SeaShellSummer]

How old are you? 25
How long have you been together? 6.5 years before he proposed, 7 years currently
What''s your story We talked about moving in together during my senior year of college. When I graduated we started looking for a place, at the same time we started talking about marriage. After we moved in together, we had many talks about when it was going to happen finally I had him give me a time line, which he ended up breaking by a few weeks IMO, he seems to think end of summer includes all of September. Anyway, I had hard time cause I loved living with him and I knew he loved me and we were going to be together but it''s hard when you want that level of commitment and he wasn''t ready. I began to resent him and have a lot of conflicting feelings about it through last summer. On one hand I really want to be with him but I felt like he was jerking me around. It turns out he had the ring for a month before he proposed and he planned a fantastic proposal.

 

[anchor31]

How old are you? 21 tomorrow!

BF is 24.

How long have you been together? 3 years in August

What''s your story? We met when I was 17, got together when I was 18. We''ve been long distance all this time (1 hour for 1½ year, 5½ hours for the rest), but we''ll be living closer come September (finally!). What really got him thinking about proposing (I think) is when I told him I wanted to be engaged before moving in together, and he wanted to move in with me this summer. I wouldn''t say I pressured him, though, because he says that he thinks that after three years together, it''s a good time to get at least engaged.

I have to say that both our parents married young, so that probably influenced our choice, and J is an extremely family-oriented guy. He wants children (3 of them! good thing I want them too!) more than anything and he wants them sooner than later! And he wants to be married before having kids. So, that certainly affects how he plans his thing!

 

[Mimikins24]

Vivosogno, glad that you guys talked and you feel better about it. I know how hard it is to wait when you have been given a deadline. I have been trying to think about the last day of the deadline as a best case scenario --- sometimes it helps me to be a bit less stressed and others it doesn't help a bit!!! Good luck --- we are all here to vent. Sometimes that helps to keep me from harassing my BF.

Mandarine, that whole bridemaid story gets worse if you can beleive it. I don't even want to post about the rest of the story. It is just too much!!! She emailed me the other day to say that she still wants to be in my wedding party!!! Interesting since I'm not even engaged --- and I have never suggested to her that I would ask her!!!

Anchor, have a happy birthday tomorrow. I will likely be running errands during the day, so it will cut into my PS time. Happy Birthday!!!

Sorry for the hijacking!!!