How long is too long to wait?!

[nessvan2002]

Hello everyone. I''m new here and wanted to ask some advice from ladies going through the same thing. Here goes:

My bf and I have been dating for 5.5 years. We met when I was 17 and he was 16, so we are still pretty young. I know we have all the time in the world, but I am so ready to get married! After about 3.5 years of dating, we started talking about marriage. He says that he loves me and knows that I am the only woman for him. We honestly have an awesome relationship. We are both very honest and open and we are still so affectionate and genuinely excited to see each other/spend time with each other. So I started asking when we would get married. he would always say "soon". We went ring shopping a few times and I just kept waiting. Well fast foward to 6 months ago and I said, "I need something more specific than soon because we obviously have different definitions of the word." then all of a sudden he said, "well I''m not ready yet" I''m thinking what happened to soon?! So now he''s not ready and that is where we are. He says he''s not unsure about if I''m the one, but he takes marriage seriously and wants to give me everything I deserve. Well that''s fine and great, but we make a very good combined income. Sounds like an excuse to me. I asked when he will be ready and he said " I don''t know" We always talked about having a short engagement (1-5 months), so I said to him, "let''s get engaged and then we can set the date for 1 year away, that way you can work out or get ready, or whatever it is you gotta do" He''s not willing to do that! He won''t compromise! I''m sick of waiting with no estimate or gauge of when it will happen. How much longer should I hang in there? I love him so much but I''m starting to get resentful and angry all the time. I feel if I keep going he knows I won''t leave and will just keep making me wait. Help!!

 

[Rhapsody]

Although it seems to you that 5.5 years os more than enough time to be together and know someone is the right person your boyfriend may be thinking that 21 is just not old enough regardless of how long you''ve been together. The first couple of years on your own are really difficult and a time of a lot of change. I know my boyfriend wasn''t comfortable seriously considering marriage (even though we had talked about it) until he was really confident in his ability to take care of himself and just handle life in general. If hes not ready pushing him will only make him resentful as well.

As far as how long to wait, only you can determine that. I''ve been with my boyfriend for 7 years now and although it seemed like such a long time as the days were ticking by in retrospect I don''t think I would want it any other way.

Good luck!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 1/12/2006 5:53:10 PM
Author: Rhapsody
I know my boyfriend wasn't comfortable seriously considering marriage (even though we had talked about it) until he was really confident in his ability to take care of himself and just handle life in general.

I dunno why but this just strikes me as so funny/sad today** ... I'm 38 and my fiance is 34 and I STILL don't feel "really confident in my ability to take care of myself & handle life in general." Oh it is just one of those days!

I hear ya ... feeling like you want to "be there" instead of wondering. 21 is pretty young in the big scheme of things. Take it from an oldster, enjoy where're you at instead of focusing too much on where you're going.

ETA: ** funny/sad that a younger person feels that way, when *I* only WISH I did. (not a knock at all on the guy who feels confident. I'm jealous.)

 

[SoonIHope]

Date: 1/12/2006 6:11:00 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 1/12/2006 5:53:10 PM

Author: Rhapsody

I know my boyfriend wasn''t comfortable seriously considering marriage (even though we had talked about it) until he was really confident in his ability to take care of himself and just handle life in general.

I dunno why but this just strikes me as so funny/sad today** ... I''m 38 and my fiance is 34 and I STILL don''t feel ''really confident in my ability to take care of myself & handle life in general.''

I think what my fiance felt was that after graduating college, he wanted to have a while to get "confident in his ability ~ ~ ~", because he THOUGHT that he just needed a few months to get used to supporting himself etc, before moving on to the next big step. Then, after a year or two of us living together post-college, he started realizing that even though we DON''T have everything totally figured out and feel totally confident about our handling of life together, he is now able to see that it''s okay not to have it all together before taking the next step. I think when he was in college, he wanted to have our entire lives planned out and tons of savings etc before getting engaged, but then after being on our own for a while, he realized we could get along all right together without having all those answers. So he then concluded (2.5 years after we graduated) that since we were figuring all these things out together, the "together" part was more important than the having everything figured out part, so he proposed on the assumption that we''ll keep working towards "handling life in general" as a team from now on.

Sorry, I know this is really incoherent but I''m sick so my mind can''t make it clearer.

But the point, since I just realized I didn''t make one yet

, is that since you two are still young (& I''m only 2 years older than you so I feel weird saying that

) he probably just doesn''t realize that things WILL work in the end, whether you are married/engaged or not. So I recommend just hanging in there a while longer, and if in a year or two he is still wanting things to straighten themselves out first, then have a serious conversation. But I think you are still in a transitional enough stage that he might not feel confident in his ability to get by without feeling "confident" about everything!

One thing that bugs me is that both my friend''s new husband and my fiance said, "Man, that was so much easier than I thought it would be, I don''t know why I didn''t just do it earlier!!!" after they proposed.

So at least take solace in knowing that he''ll probably admit that you were right AFTER the fact!

 

[Rhapsody]

Date: 1/12/2006 6:11:00 PM
Author: decodelighted

ETA: ** funny/sad that a younger person feels that way, when *I* only WISH I did. (not a knock at all on the guy who feels confident. I''m jealous.)

I think now he''s mostly confident in his ability to throw money at a problem

Men seem to think money will solve all problems. Regarding everything else he''s very laid back, figures things will work out the way they should. While I worry constantly!


When my boyfriend and I hit the 5 year mark we both were done with college (well in my case mostly done

) and that summer I think 5 of our friends got married. I all of a sudden HAD to get engaged and wanted it to have happened yesterday! I think this completely put my boyfriend off and he was afraid I wanted to get married for the wrong reasons and if any thing it probably slowed things down. I got pushy asking questions all the time and he closed up. When I backed off and he saw that I was secure in the relationship I think it incited him to want to be engaged and finally he was ready and willing. Relationship dynamics are complicated, you have to let your SO know what you want and need but you also have to respect where they are.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 1/12/2006 6:36:58 PM
Author: albicocca
he THOUGHT that he just needed a few months to get used to supporting himself etc, before moving on to the next big step. Then, after a year or two of us living together post-college, he started realizing that even though we DON''T have everything totally figured out and feel totally confident about our handling of life together, he is now able to see that it''s okay not to have it all together before taking the next step.

Albie ... that made me feel better! OF COURSE! Now I remember: we NEVER really have it "all together" --- even if we''re rich or retired or geniuses! Now I don''t feel like such a dunce!

Even though it''s a crappy day!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 1/12/2006 6:37:05 PM
Author: Rhapsody
I think now he''s mostly confident in his ability to throw money at a problem

Men seem to think money will solve all problems. Regarding everything else he''s very laid back, figures things will work out the way they should. While I worry constantly!

Hee hee. You & me both!

 

[rainbowtrout]

heh, maybe engagements are like the rest of marriage---if you wait until you are totally ready and the timing is perfect and you have it all together, you''ll never have kids/buy a house/etc...life just doesn''t tend to work that way.

 

[SoonIHope]

Date: 1/12/2006 6:42:04 PM
Author: decodelighted

Albie ... that made me feel better! OF COURSE! Now I remember: we NEVER really have it ''all together'' --- even if we''re rich or retired or geniuses! Now I don''t feel like such a dunce!

Even though it''s a crappy day!

Good - I hope you feel better!!!

 

[Erin]

Ness my bf is 32 and I'm 30 and we've been together for 4.5 years. You know what we're waiting for? For him to feel like he's in a place where he has all his ducks in a row and has saved enough money (outside the e-ring which he already has) and knows exactly what the future holds concerning his career. He's worked at the same place for 2 years and isn't positive this is where he wants to spend the next 10 so a company change might be in his future. To me it's ridiculous because none of those things matter to me - I think what's the difference we'll just do it together. However, I am (rather impatiently) respecting his desires for feeling when the time is right for him. The balance is to remind him that the time is right for me and he has to take that into consideration, too. i.e. it's not all about him

Also, I hate to say what you don't want to hear but coming from someone who's 30, never married, no children, 21 is rather young. Sorry

 

[qtiekiki]

Maybe he is just not mentally ready for the responsibility of a marriage. DH had told me once before that he didn''t see himself marrying his ex although his ex mentioned that maybe they can get married in a few years. So being the nosy and psycho-analyzing person that I am, I asked why. He said he was just not ready for it, even though he loved and enjoyed being with her, was out of college and working. He was pretty stable with his job for a couple of years then, but he was just not mentally ready to see himself in a marriage. Of course other things went into it and they eventually broke up. He said looking back now, he is so much more mature than he was a few years ago and it''s not only because he is a few years older but the fact that his mentality is more like a 35 years old now. I actually saw a lot of growth in him as we were dating. I don''t think you should continue to push him and make a deadline because you are still young and the more you push the more he will step back. I think he just needs to do things at his own pace.

 

[monarch64]

Just wait til you do get married...the next question you''ll be trying to pin him down on is when you''re going to start a family! LOL!

My husband is still dragging his heels 2.5 years into our marriage and we are not getting any younger--he''s 35 and I''m 28! Freakin'' man time...

 

[MissAva]

I dont think 5.5 years is too long at all. I would give him at least ten years. I told mine once that I would wait until I was thirty and we started dating at 17. It is just about your comfort level.

 

[Caribou]

21 is so young. I'm sure you hate hearing that but it's true. You have so much life to live. I could never have imagined being married at 21. I was engaged at 26 and it didn't fell right, not only because of the guy but I don't think I was ready.

The only advice I can give is to not keep 'nagging' your BF on this subject because that will either slowlly push him away from you or he'll propose because he's tired of hearing about it...you don't want either of these to happen. You want your BF to propose when the time is right, not because of pressure.

I'm with Matatora, wait another another 4.5 years....you'll be 26 more established in life. Maybe he'll propose before than. In the mean time don't let an engagement run your life, you do what you have to do to make yourself happy. Trust me, 10 years down the road when you are 31 you'll be wondering what you were thinking wanting to get married at 21.

ETA: 4.5 years seems like a long time to wait but it will fly by....believe me. Last year, it felt like I went to bed on Jan 1, 2005 and woke up and it was Jan 1 2006!!!!!

 

[Momoftwo]

Resentment and anger aren't going to make this any easier. I was 21 when I got married and we're still going strong after 25 years, so, don't let people tell you it's too young. Its less about age and more about expectations. You probably feel you have no control over this issue and he has it all. After 5.5 years, either it's right or it's not, no matter your age. And, you have the time you have, not all the time in the world. Some people are just so afraid of not doing everything "right". If he's not ready, there's not much you can do about it though without him thinking you're pressuring him. Guys like to use that word. Have you thought about some couples counseling just to see if you're on the same page? It's true, there is no perfect time for anything. I've also told friends that if you wait to have kids til you can afford them, you never will. Ours are in college and we still can't afford to have them.

 

[tulip928]

My daughter and her beloved started dating at the same age as you. They got engaged after 8 yrs., and will be getting married this Nov. after being together over 10 years. It just worked out for the best - He wanted to feel he could provide, and is now gainfully employed and seems ready for marriage. There was a point at 7 years though that she was starting to question if the dating arrangement was as far as he intended to go. He''s come a long way in the last couple of years. She''ll be 27 and he''ll be 28 when they get married.

 

[firebirdgold]

I have to agree that waiting with no estimate or any way to gauge how long is incredibly nerve-wracking. And men just don''t seem to understand why. I''ve finally just put it in the category of ''valid personal points-of-view that are mutually incomprehensible". I also think that men just don''t seem to understand that once they bring the subject up we have this internal clock that just kicks in, and it''s so easy to get obsessive about it. And so terribly hard not to press them on it.
Mine finally and somewhat unwittingly calmed me down by giving me a time frame. He told me that he needed to concentrate on this thing he''s doing and that our engagement was too important to just stuff into the little spare time he had. Sooo romantic. And it gave me a time frame since this thing has a deadline of four months. The best part, he probably has no idea how much hearing this helped me. Although he has put a few cracks into my new-found calm recently.

Anwyay, pressing them on it isn''t productive. You may not feel too young, but he probably does. Don''t forget that men mature slower than women and I thinks that particularly obvious right about your age. There''s every chance that he won''t be ready within the next year. So here''s what you do: Tell him that you feel insecure, although you don''t know why. He''ll probably counter with a ''of course I love you, I''d never leave you'', which isn''t terribly helpful and hard to get around. Tell him you need something concrete you can look at and touch when you''re apart and you feel scared. Basically you''re trying to get a promise ring out of him. It''s a pre-engagement ring. This will/should make you feel alot calmer about the whole thing.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 1/13/2006 9:46:21 PM
Author: Momoftwo
I was 21 when I got married and we''re still going strong after 25 years, so, don''t let people tell you it''s too young. Its less about age and more about expectations.

Obviously 25 years ago times were different. People jump so easily into marriage nowadays with out even thinking. Not saying that all couples who are 18-22 when they marry now will fail...obviously that''s not true...but in most cases I believe it is.

When I was 21, I didn''t have my sh*t together, I had a poor paying job, I still lived at home (which most of my friends, guys/gals alike, did), I lived paycheck to paycheck...I had no business getting married then.

I agree that counseling might be good...maybe at 21 you are ready for marriage...maybe you have your sh*t together more than a lot people my age (33) do and maybe by going to counseling you will both find that. Or you may find that you still have some growing up to do. Doesn''t hurt to try.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Date: 1/18/2006 3:23:26 PM
Author: Caribou

When I was 21, I didn''t have my sh*t together, I had a poor paying job, I still lived at home (which most of my friends, guys/gals alike, did), I lived paycheck to paycheck...I had no business getting married then.

I SECOND AND THIRD THAT! I got engaged the first time at 18. I thought that my ex was "the one" and that we were soul-mates because we had been in love for 5 years before we got engaged. Yeah, I was wrong. I didn''t have my crap together either, was holding three jobs to make ends meet (my ex ate A LOT) and I was going to school full-time. The LAST thing that should''ve been on my mind was the wedding. But I kept asking and asking about it and got nowhere. As a result, the wedding kept getting pushed back year after year after year... Over 4 years later, still no wedding planned and no marriage. Although I stressed about the planning for all that time and wanted to get things done, we really weren''t ready. I also found out a lot of things about him when we were living together, that made me dislike him a great deal. He wasn''t the man I thought he was and like a lot of people say: You won''t know someone until you live with them. In the end I hated him for wasting so much of my life and my time (9+ years worth), but a few years later I finally realized that the time wasn''t wasted. I learned a lot about myself in the process and I''m GLAD that I waited. I can''t imagine what my life would be right now if I had placed our wedding/marriage at the top of my priority list. I''d have limited education, a crappy job and maybe a crappy marriage.

Now that we broke up and I''ve finished my Bachelor''s degree, my life is finally starting to calm done and get stable. I''m hopefully about to get my first full-time job too! So when my current fiance proposed (April of 2005), I was ready! I can finally focus on our relationship and not worry about where my next meal is coming from or how my future is going to end up. I have time now to plan a wedding and not stress about so many things.

I know it''s hard to hear, but 21 is young. It doesn''t matter how long you''ve been together, it''s all about timing. 5 years from 25 to 30 years old is a LOT different than 5 years from 16 to 21. My advice to you is to just be patient. You don''t want him to feel pressured. Besides, you spent this many happy years together, why throw it away just because he didn''t put a ring on your finger yet? Give him time. When he''s ready, he''ll do it.