How long till you set a date?

[hoofbeats95]

We got engaged in November last year. Still no date set. There has actually been very little talk about a wedding. Initially there was but we couldn''t agree on how to do it: traditional, destination, etc. He''s been married before. He wanted traditional and I didn''t. Then his attitude became "whatever you want honey". I refuse to make this decision on my own. Actually I will NOT plan this whole thing on my own once the initial decision is made. There was even a very hurtful comment by his mother where she said "I cannot handle another big wedding - just go to the courthouse and have a reception". Well I got news: if we go to the courthouse there will be NO reception. Not like you''d think of a reception. I was really hurt by that comment. We don''t talk about the wedding anymore at all. It''s quite depressing. Does he think "I gave her the ring, my job is done"? What''s typical? I feel like we should have some kind of plans. We talked about a spring 2010 wedding. That won''t happen anymore cause I''d want a year to plan. So how long till you set a date?

 

[Bia]

We haven''t set a date because we don''t know what we''re doing either--DW or local traditional wedding.

I already said that in August, because I''ll be done with school for a good month and a half, we have to decide what we want. We know the wedding will happen in Nov/Dec of 2010. But that''s about it.

 

[Lauren8211]

We set the date 3 days later.. but I don''t think that''s always normal. We didn''t want to wait another year to get married, and we wanted the fall.. so bam... 3 months til the wedding.

 

[laughwithme]

I had three dates in mind before even getting engaged! All in June 2010. FI was cool with this, it worked well with our money/planning timeline. We have always had the same wedding vision (traditional, large, summery.) Within two weeks of being engaged, we had set a date and reserved the country club and church.

I think you two should sort out your "vision" before anything else - make the wedding what you both want it to be. It seems like neither of you know what you want, and frustration is taking over. Your first step is to get excited (!!) about this wedding - you are making him your husband, and he is making you his wife! Once you set a vision, talk timeline - what season fits your vision? What location? How many guests?

But first and foremost, you need to get on the same page.

 

[mrscushion]

We got engaged in February and haven''t set a date, though we''ve been thinking September 2010 all along. For us, the reason is that we are doing a DW overseas and have to wait for an upcoming site inspection trip to confirm venue and date.

I''m sorry you''re frustrated. I think you guys should have the wedding you both want. How about laying out a few different ideas (all of which you could live with) for your FI and then making a decision together?

 

[cammy85]

I think we were a little atypical in the fact we had sorta planned our engagement to coincide with a march 09 wedding. The reason being is his sister would be just coming home from school on break and my MOH would be just ending break around that time meaning that''s the only time they could "easily" make the trip for our wedding in my hometown. The engagement was still a shocker to say the least, I had no idea when he proposed in May 08. We found our reception site the very next day (by accident, but almost too easy haha) and the next week checked what dates they had available in march. They only had 1 Saturday open which would coincide with the breaks, so we took it. and voila - our date was born. We were engaged just under 10 months.

 

[shimmer]

We didn''t start planning and setting a date until 1.5 yrs after engagement! See, there is hope! We decided on a DW in Maui, and my FI totally went through the ''whatever you want'' phase but then when things got closer he became more interested.

Laughwithme gave good advice, start imagining how you want your wedding to be. Don''t consider anything or anyone else, have your FI do the same. Write it down separately and come to a decision that incorporates both of your visions. Then go from there! Work in who you want to be there and anything else that is important to you.

 

[LilyKat]

I'm not engaged yet, but all the couples I know set a date pretty much straight away (ie within a couple of weeks of planning out logistics). I don't think you're being unreasonable at all in feeling the way you are. I would try talking to him and letting him know just how much it bothers you that there are no plans towards an actual marriage, and then be proactive about suggesting possible dates and options. I agree his mother's comments are pretty hurtful, but frankly, it's not her wedding.

Keep in mind that a lot of men just don't get the whole wedding planning thing, so I wouldn't necessarily take his "whatever you want" attitude as a red flag. I'd be more concerned if he was actively putting off the wedding date against your will.

ETA: There isn't a problem in postponing the wedding planning for any length of time after engagement, provided both people are happy with it. It's just that in your case, it seems that you're not.

 

[lala2332]

we took about a month to decide. we were home from law school on our christmas break when FO proposed, so we had about 1 month before school started up again, so we went ahead and picked a couple of potential dates and then when the church we wanted was open for our first date choice it was settled. maybe took a total of 2 months.

I did get really tired of hearing, when is the big day, like 2 days after our engagement, especially because Christmas was 5 days away and having just finished exams I had more than enough on my plate getting presents, and the such without stressing the families out insisting we pick a date! It taught me that i will never ask someone when their wedding is, when learning of their engagement.

 

[Prana]

My fiance and I had a date picked pretty much within two weeks of being engaged. I felt like I was rushing things, and not letting the engagement really sink in, but we picked our date based off of where we want to go (hopefully) on our honeymoon. We didn''t really get the dates that we wanted (June 2010), but I''m happy anyways!

But all of this New England weather that we''ve had this year really makes me nervous about what next year will be like! I don''t think I''ve seen the sun in 3 weeks.

 

[merrymunky]

I think every couple is different.

My fiance and I were engaged for 5 years before we finally set a date. I wanted to set one immediately, we initally planned on a two year engagement, until he became tetchy everytime I mentioned marriage.

I got to the point where I was considering whether the relationship was worth all the emotional upset it was causing me. Then one day he suddenly changed mind, told me we should get the ball rollling and the next day the ceremony was booked.

 

[Morgie44]

We took awhile to set a date as well, got engaged in December, set a date in late May. My fiance was very "whatever you want" as well, his only real priority was that there needed to be an open bar. We did sit down and agree on an overall vision for our wedding, from there, I did all of the research of venues, eliminated ones that weren''t what I wanted or weren''t within the budget and then I set up appointments with places that made the cut and we visited together. Then, as we visited venues, he had the gall to complain about how stressful ''all of this planning was''

That has pretty much been our process with all of the planning, I research and set up appointments and then if he has any input to give he would come to the appointments... caterer, baker, DJ he attended and we decided together what we anted. Florist, Day of Coordinator he did not attend. But this is very much how we work as a couple. I like to research, plan, make lists and spreadsheets etc. and he does not. At All.

Overall, I think that most men just don''t care about wedding planning so I think you shouldn''t take offense if he isn''t showing a whole lot of interest. Maybe you should sit down and discuss what you both envision for the wedding and if you don''t see eye to eye, try to reach a compromise.

 

[grapegravity]

It took us 5 years to set the date....

 

[aveda6]

From the male poiint of view, we were engaged in April of this year and haven''t yet set a date. We have a general idea of 2011 but I have a feeling it will be before then, perhaps late fall/early winter of 2010. It does get annoying to be asked, but we just politely say that we haven''t set a date yet. It will be my second wedding and her first and we have to save up money before we can even begin to plan. I think the wedding can be just as important for the man it just depends on the situation....

 

[Laila619]

We set the date very fast--the day after he proposed, we''d already decided on the month. From proposal to wedding day was 5 months 2 days. We started planning the very first weekend! Was lots of fun and fast-paced.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

We were also engaged in November, but we knew that we wanted a destination wedding and that we wanted his children (and our guests'' children) to be out of school to avoid having them miss school.

We set our date in December and then re-scheduled due to his ex late in January, but we are getting married in about 6 weeks! In August.

A couple of things to consider because this is my FIs second wedding as well:

1) Is he generally the planner and he is dragging his feet on this? or do you generally plan and he follows happily? My FI is the second and let me pretty much pick everything. I know that he''s interested because he helps when I ask him and he will put his foot down on a couple of things (NO GIRLY FLOWERS for his boutonniere, no lavender, etc.), but he''s never been the planner...I want to go to the movies and he looks for the movie times, I want to go dinner and he finds a good parking spot, I want to go to a black tie and he wears his tux...I don''t take this personally, it just gives me more freedom to go on and do what I need to do. If I stray too far off course, he comes and flags me down and brings me back...

2) Are you hoping his family will contribute financially or help with wedding details like programs or dress shopping? We are paying for everything ourselves and while his family did make a comment initially about how a "big second wedding is in poor taste", no one has said a word about it since we decided on our wedding date and went right along with the planning. We had some drama initially with FI''s ex-wife, but I didn''t let it bother me. I bought my dress on ebay, we selected our location, sent out Save-the-Date''s, and told everyone that we would miss them if they didn''t come. Since we didn''t become paralyzed by their lack of enthusiasm, they have really come around in their own time and I really believe that they are looking forward to the wedding now. I recently asked FMIL to pick up a BM dress for me because I couldn''t leave work, and she not only did it right away, but she did so gracefully. I think that the fear parents face is that they will be asked to be financially responsible for the wedding. We told them we would pay and we have really stuck to it, didn''t ask anyone for anything, not my parents, not his and that has really freed up all the families to come through for us in ways we didnt'' expect.

3) How long are YOU ok with waiting? It sounds like you would have liked things to move along. I don''t know about your FI, but mine is very motivated by deadlines. How would he react if you tell him you would like the STDs to be out by Sept. 1, 2009? Would he feel threatened? or would he be relieved to know that by September 1, you will have a wedding date and location?

4) Do you NEED his help with the decisions? or do you WANT his help? The difference is that if you NEED his help (he needs to give you a check for the venue deposit, or you need him to create the Save The Date Card) then you have to have his buy in from the start. If you WANT his help (you want him to like the venue or suggest other places that he likes or help you stuff envelopes) then you can make the decision and coax him to assist as needed throughout the process.

I think that you should talk to your FI when you aren''t upset about his lack of enthusiasm, and just tell him how you feel. Make a list of your expectations and maybe ask him what are the things that are important to him that he would want to have control over. In the end, you want to be married to him and he asked you to marry him, so presumably he feels the same. Maybe he''s embarrassed by his families reaction and wants everything to die down before forging ahead....just talk to him...it''s all speculation until the two of you sit down and discuss it.

 

[katamari]

You really can''t set a date without knowing what you are doing, so I agree with PPs who say you need to do that first. And, just to point out something you might be overlooking with good intentions, if you two have different views--and different to the point unable to execute them simultaneously--one of you has to effectively "cave", right? I am not sure you can be upset with FI for doing this, so long as he will speak up when it does matter or when he does feel entitled to his way.

As for us, we were engaged a good 5 months before we started thinking about a date and it took another month and a half probably to actually finalize everything and work it out.

 

[whitetulips]

We were engaged the end of October and just set our date about three weeks ago. For us, we didn''t know what we wanted or where we wanted to get married so it was hard to pick a date. Then we decided on a location and picked a date that we both liked (June 2010). My family was itching for a date sooner, but we did it the way that worked for us. Plus this way there is more time to save up for the wedding.

I hope you figure everything out, but don''t stress over not having a date yet. I felt pressured to pick a date but I''m glad we waited because we were originally thinking May of 2010 and that wouldn''t really work with where we eventually decided to have the ceremony and reception.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

When i got engaged we had planned NOT to set a date for some time, be engaged for a year and then see what happens but after about a month we started talking about when and the general logistics of it... what months would the wind not be howling in the afternoon (we live close to the beach) but still be warm enough to be outside in the evening, when would our garden of frangipannis be in full bloom (getting married at home).Turns out that the month of March was it, FI phoned me at work one day and said that March 2010 was still available for him to take annual leave but if we wanted it he would have to book the holidays now before someone else took them. I told him all the different dates of Saturdays in March and he chose the 13th, as it was his dads lucky number and the day was set with just under 12 months to figure it all out.

Suprisingly it happened ALOT easier than i had anticipated, Fi was very much like yours with the ''whatever you want honey'' attitude, but i found that talking about the logistics got him interested and involved, he likes that kind of stuff, show him pictures of flowers and cakes and there''s a totally different reaction!!

 

[elrohwen]

I think we had a date set before we got engaged actually ... or at least very soon afterwards. We knew we wanted it to be in the fall, so I even told him that if we were going to get married by fall of 2009, he need to propose before fall of 2008 to give us enough time to book things. After that it wasn''t too hard to pick a date.

I would sit him down and really try to have a conversation about this because you can''t be in limbo forever! Maybe try what we did and pick a season you like first, then work from there. Once we wanted fall, it was easy to narrow it down to September or October. From there we could already cross off certain weekends, and it just kind of narrowed down until we were at September 25th. Thinking in terms of seasons might help him focus without needing to pick a date out of thin air.

Now if his problem is really that he doesn''t want anything to do with the wedding planning process, I think you need to have a serious discussion about that. If he just doesn''t want all of the hoopla and you''re ok with that, start planning a DW or something small. I think once you get a place picked out (whether it''s a reception location or a Caribbean island) it''ll be more concrete and he''ll have to start thinking about it. When you have no plans or date, it''s easy to procrastinate and continue to put things off. I know, because if our date wasn''t fast approaching I wouldn''t be doing a darn thing for our wedding right now

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

We were engaged in September, and still haven''t set a date, because we haven''t nailed down what type of wedding we want or where. And it takes so much time to actually find a free weekend to travel and look at places. So it''s been... (counting)... 9 months...

oh my gosh!! I didn''t realize it had been that long. Haha, ok I''m going to do some deciding this weekend! We''ve kind of said we want next spring/summer to be our cutoff for date considerations, and I''d like some time to plan and not feel rushed... so, I have max of a year from now. OK, haha thanks for this thread!

Running off to tell FI we need to do some planning this weekend...

 

[KatyWI]

It took a few days to nail down...

I always knew I wanted to get married September 4th, the same day that my parents and my mom''s parents tied the knot. So when he proposed on Thanksgiving last year, it was a matter of deciding which year we wanted to get married... luckily, it''s a Friday this year, a Saturday next year, a Sunday the year after, AND it''s Labor Day weekend, which is more conducive to people wanting to travel. (Well, or not, but since we only invited family and close friends, that''s not really an issue.)

I agree with everyone else that you should decide what kind of wedding you really want before you pick a date. Good luck!